I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger
Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!
In my case, remorse wasn't immediate, but when it truly arrived it was complete and game-changing. And clear. I had no more questions about whether he was remorseful or not. But it took a full 3 months after DDay to get there, with some truly shitty behavior in the interim.
I don't think everyone experiences remorse, no matter the timeline or hurt of their spouse.
I do think for those that do hit remorse, some hit it much faster than others.
I think the game changer this time is that I started the 180 immediately and threw him out of the house. I was doing 180 before I had even found this site. He was truly devastated. At first I thought it was due to being caught, but no he was really affected by how he hurt his kids and myself. You could see it in his eyes.
Fast forward a few days. We both started IC and after the first sessions we had the most honest and real conversation we have ever had with each other. It's a shame it took almost 30 years to get to that point. We will start MC soon, but he is still living outside of the house. We are going to take this slow - start totally over (dating).
I can say that I have seen true remorse this time. Did not know what it looked like until now. One thing that really helped him see the A's real affect on us was to read "How to help your Spouse heal from your Affair". He said it helped him see his selfish ways and that he needed help (IC and MC) if this was going to work. He has already uncovered issues he is going to work on with his IC. As of this moment, I think he is ready for the hard work.
Just to mention...I still do the 180 to a certain extent. I do not get emotional with him and I think my self-confidence is letting him know that I have not made my decision. He knows I am waiting to see if he does the hard work and rebuild the lost trust and security.