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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How important is it to keep hearing "I'm sorry"?
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Asked this in the menz thread but thought I'd ask here as welll. The last couple of times WW and I talked about her A's she's sworn she's changed, will never do it again, etc., but there's been no "I'm sorry". I've told her before I don't need to hear it every day. But after thinkng about it, I don't really know how often I want/need to hear it. I'm not sure if it'd make a difference if I heard each time we talk or not. Do you find it helps to hear it, does it not matter, or does it ring hollow when you do hear it?


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 281 | Registered: Dec 2012
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only 3 months out.

But right now, if it is heartfelt, it means everything to me to still hear it.

On the other hand, when it is empty or going through the motions, it hurts.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It made me feel better when I saw how sorry he was.

In the first few months I wanted the words, but after the shock wore off I needed to see the "I am sorry" in action.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
misslocket
♀ New Member
Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, sorry may be all well and good but I think sometimes they sorry to make themselves feel better about what they did not necessarily for you.
Sorry should be shown in the actions of making things right not just a word.
My OH says sorry every day and to be honest im sick of sorry, i just want him to put in the work not keep apologising for the mistakes hes made.


'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the actions speak louder than the words - but that's me. You get to choose how important it is to you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally - The words early on meant nothing. He had just spent the last 7 months lying and justifying, to get away with it. Sorry meant zero.

What did mean something? Actions. When his behaviors changed, and saw him healing himself, I knew he was sorry and full of remorse for what he did to us. I also was happy to hear that his goal was to heal us, heal himself, and make me laugh every day (which he does). That meant more than sorry. It meant the actions changed and it wouldn't happen again. It meant he was doing the work.

He isn't a really verbal emotions kind of guy either, and I knew this. I needed reassurance, that he was happy with his choice, I needed to know he didn't have regrets in regard to his family, kids, and me. When I did need to hear the sorry from him, I would get it, if I asked for it, but it was rarely offered up on it's own.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

11 mos out here, and yes it is very important to hear I'm sorry. Frequently, and in detail. Not just sorry, but I'm sorry that my car is triggering you, it was awful and thoughtless for me to give her a ride in the same seat you use. What can I do to help? Sell the car?

I will say that sorry was hard to hear early on. I would think, sorry? Are you kidding? If you're sorry, then why do it in the first place? It was just hurtful to hear., and felt insincere.

Now, it feels sincere. It is backed up by actions, and it helps me when I am hurting.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it did help. Though after he said it hundreds of time, I wanted him to say what he was sorry for. That way I knew he meant it.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1068 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
jupiter13
♀ Member
Member # 40999
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry is something he has maybe said 10 times in 3 yrs. I need to hear it every time I am hurting, I want him to tell me what it is he is sorry for in detail. I won't get it and I will always feel he is not sorry enough. If he ever held me when I cried well maybe he did a few times and said he was sorry then it would have meant a lot to me. If he had listened to me or read my emails and responded with his feelings with details expressing remorse instead of sarcasm and short "I'm here for you now," it would help. If he every validated my feelings as if I or we meant more to him than the day to day life and the business it would have helped. Just to name a few things that would have really meant something to me.

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Modesto
Topic Posts: 9

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