I guess the first thing is to have an open discussion with WH. Before you decide on D I would ask for a full disclosure of what happened, the extent of the betrayal, frequency, etc.
Do not expect truthful answers. Many will give you what is called trickle truth (little bits of the truth) others (like my WH) will outright lie to your face.
Moving forward if you want to explore and offer reconciliation then he should go no contact with OW and give you full access to his email / phone/ Facebook and any other records to verify.
There's a wealth of knowledge on this website. Read here, post often.
Good luck, your among friends.
You have already established that he has broken marital boundaries by kissing a 3rd party. For me this would be more than enough to nuke his little fantasy.
I always tend to forgive him everything ...
1. Go see a lawyer to find out what your options are.
2. Expose the OW to her husband/boyfriend
3. Expose your husband's behavior to his parents. Make it clear to them that his behavior is unacceptable.
4. Make him move into the guestroom/whatever.
5. Initiate 180.
6. Surround yourself with family/friends who are on your side. Do not suffer in silence. Go to IC if you feel you need it.
If he gets angry about the above - tough shit. That is the price he has to pay for breaking boundaries. If you feel threatened/fear he may physically hurt you then surround yourself with loved ones. Ask your parents to come over etc.
If he has shown enough remorse and has come 100% clean, then you can gradually start to map out a plan for rebuilding your marriage.
2. Expose the affair to everyone. Affairs EAs, PAs, etc. love the darkness. Turn the light on.
3. See a lawyer to know your rights
4. Any other requirements that you have.
Was it just a kiss? Probably not. From my experience, men who are willing to make out with women other than their wives are also willing to have sex with them. You're probably getting lied to. Tell him you want a polygraph. If he's telling the truth he will have no problem with it. If he isn't, he'll come up with a bunch of excuses. If you do go to a polygraph, he will probably confess everything on the drive to the polygraph office. But be prepared. he's probably lying.
For me it started with a friend saying they had seen them hugging in public.
A week later I caught her kissing him on the cheek. Said it was 'just a kiss'. In fact, they were already having sex behind my back.
I would not believe the just a kiss. It is minimising.
And even if it is just a kiss, it is still cheating, a betrayal of trust.
I agree with the ZepplinLed and Mike7. Act now. Act strongly. Do not make my mistakes and be 'nice' It did not work in my experience. Only gave him more power to carry on behind my back.He got sneakier and more nasty, she did too.
Sorry you are here. Good luck
This is all about his own failings and has NOTHING to do with you. Remember that and take care of yourself. You did not do anything to cause him to act in this way and should feel no shame or responsibility.
But he carried on seeing her for another 5 weeks. I feel so stupid now making such an assumption. I so wish I had asked him straight out to go NC.
Most likely it was not just kissing. So definitely get tested for STIs. Usually what we find out is the tip of the iceburg and the WS will only admit what they absolutely have to until you have evidence of more.
Hugs because I'm sorry you're here. There are a lot of great people here though and a lot of great resources
[This message edited by begintoday at 5:55 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
On Dday #1 I got, "we're just friends" a year and a half later of therapy, lying, it was 10 other women in 3 years with a long term girlfriend. Tip of the iceberg.
Good luck and again sorry you're here with us. This place has saved me in more ways than one, I can honestly tell you that...
Look at me now, I don't care about him and I"m soooo happpy and freeeee. You. Will. Survive. This.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 6:20 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]