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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help!! feel so upset today, terrible night! :(
Blanket
♀ Member
Member # 43881
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your posts really hit me as they are so so similar to how I feel and my experience !
Firstly well done for running your self that bath and even if just momentarily you enjoyed something for you it is a step in the right direction to finding the woman you are again. (Don't use past tense - you are still that person and she will emerge from this stronger it takes time but you will find her). You should be proud of your self in making that first step to regaining control. Although it might not feel like it you are in control of you . Having forced my self each day to do something for me I feel stronger than I have in months. I keep reminding my self that he is lucky even if he doesn't know it yet.
I kept thinking I can't do this , leaving would be easier but I accepted that is not who I am . I have never given up on anything that is important to me and I'm not about to start now. I thought fighting would destroy me and I would never feel 'normal' again. But I gave my self a serious talking to and decided that if I was going to give my marriage a go I couldn't lose myself in the process. Each day got a little bit easier.
The Ow in my experience also lived with her parents ! Isn't that just a joke!
It does feel forced because all the gestures you once cherished are now tarnished . There is a question mark over everything you once held as sincere. My H was pretty cruel at times, he said the most awful things but I realise that actually that was his self hate - nothing to do with me! It is completely normal to feel like this, things are in a different light now. There is a big fat OW shaped elephant in the room with you each day. Have you had all your Qs answered? I made a decision that once I had all my info I would not mention her again. That's not to say you ignore the emotions and feelings but I felt every time I spoke of her I did two things - I brought her to the forefront if his mind again, reminding him how easy it was with her during a difficult miserable conversation with me, and second it brought her into my home again, two places she is not welcome. I'm not saying this is the right or wrong way, just my way.
You are NOT a mug, you are a strong woman that made vows and is sticking to them. You believe you have something worth salvaging so you are giving it your best shot - good for you. You will never have to ask your self I wonder what would have happened if I'd tried. You would not be being true to your self if you demanded a D if that's not what you really want. You love your H, that is not a bad thing.
Of course it is normal to feel like strangers, I look at my H all the time and think, who the hell are you? He is no longer that person that you placed every bit of trust you had in , I think that is the hardest, saddest part, and you are not the strong dominant woman in the relationship, so at this moment in time I guess we are like strangers. You have to get to know each other again , very sad. You can get back to a good place, but it is hard work. I spent a lot if time pretending to enjoy our days together when in fact I was dying inside but for the most part I do now enjoy the things we do together. I was careful not to mention the A everyday and in fact now only raise it at MC as it spoiled the day for me as much as him. This is not something that works for all but often I would feel worse for raising it so I would think whether what I wanted to say was essential ie did I really need something or was I just trying to hurt him and did the answer to the Q make a difference. If I felt I really needed to say it then I would wait till it felt right and I knew I wouldn't get a hostile response. I spend a lot of time picking my moment and although it seems very unfair I know that if I'm not patient then I will end up feeling hurt again because the response will be defensive.
I'm really pleased your H is positive about the MC, it's really not that invasive. The first session we just talked about ourselves, our backgrounds and our views as to why we have reached the point we have. I think I mentioned before that my H didn't even mention the A at this point! I let him go first as I wanted to hear how he perceived it. The following sessions have been on communication style as how people communicate differently and finding a mutual language. I always regretted not having spoken up at the first couple if sessions but the last one I really found my voice and felt so much better, so try not to leave wishing you'd said something you really wanted to. I called the MC before the session to ask what to expect as I was so nervous , perhaps you could do the same? I really do find it beneficial and come out if it feeling lighter. Sometimes she'll say something I've been dying to say and I could hug her! I though he would feel attacked too but even in the difficult conversations he doesn't seem to put up the barriers he dies when talking to me.
My H was also sleeping with me I'd stay over (at MY home!!) sleep with him, iron his work shirts, clean little dud I know I was making the place all nice for his 'visitor' the next day!! How humiliating!
I hate social networking sites!! After I moved back in my H put a block on me on twitter and used it to tweet about what he was doing making it sound like we were still separated and he was loving the single life! What a dick! It took me 2 weeks to bring it up but biding my time got me the result I wanted he I has now closed down all his accounts.
I know exactly what you mean about wanting to fast forward. You want all this agony to pass and just feel normal again. But for the most part you just want to know if it will even be worth it. Sadly we won't know that for a while yet.
You have taken the hard option but if that's what your gut told you to do then you must follow it don't do anything because you think you should or because a friend tells you to always always do what feels right for you. If it doesn't feel right there is usually a reason for that.
You give your marriage your best shot girl. You will be ok . Even if we don't get what we ultimately want, we can hold our heads up and say we gave it everything we had, we loved till the end.
I hope you have a strong day x


D day 20th may 2014
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger


Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Uk
misslocket
♀ New Member
Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

your post has literally brought tears to my eyes, your words bring me so much comfort, thank you.
I find the mornings particularly hard, when he has left for work and im rattling around in my house getting ready for work, I was eager to get to work to come on here, at the moment its my salvation.
I cant go on at home as I dont think he would be happy about me discussing all this on here, especially if he read my posts, particularly about the tent lol.
I find if I am on here, Im not checking my phone every five seconds to see if he's text me, hanging on his every word.
I definitely don't want to give up on us, I know although the A was not my fault and I take no responsibility for that behaviour, I know that our relationship did have its flaws and for the most part I leading up to this wasn't probably being the best person I could be and neither was he. We have had a crappy couple of years because of things beyond our control and instead of uniting, like we normally would have, its kind of pushed us away from each other, especially because he's not a talker, he would shut down. Hes the kind of bloke who for example if I did something that upset him he may wait three weeks before he said anything about it,
ive just hit send without finishing....so will carry on..
and for the most it could be something he was completely wrong about so instead of confronting teh situation he would stew and then when he did speak about it he would be completely wrong or taken something completely out of context.
He has answered all of the questions and just this week I have thought that it's pointless dragging stuff up again because the answer isnt going to change now.
Like yourself I know when all is said and done I gave my all, when I was completely on my arse being treated like absolute crap I still gave my all, I went and did the food shopping myself because he could not face reality he didnt lift a finger in the house, I was in total turmoil and still somehow tried to keep it together, all he wanted to do was go to football and arrange football matches with his mates from work, he left me at home in tears sometimes whilst he went and did that. Ive spoken to him in depth about this and he understands it was wrong but says he was in a bad place also.
I do that, I pretend im having a nice time because I dont want to rock the boat or ruin the day when inside I feel like i am dying, we spare them so much but what about us.
I hate we are strangers but im comforted knowing its completely normal, I hate it all.
I find what works is texting, its the only way we really communicate, I said to him last week we have a text and sex relationship, nothing else but I've realised even if its just by text at least he is communicating so I will accept that for now.
With your experience in mind i am definitely going to make sure I have some level of input into the counselling in these early sessions, I dont know if I feel a bit of weight lifted today because I know we have that. I'm terrified it may not be what I hoped and Im gonna feel absolutely shit again tomorrow, maybe Im running away with myself.
Ive come off Facebook because I cant cope with everyone's wonderful lives whilst im going through this.
I have his twitter account on my phone now as well, I blocked her, she only set up an account to message him whilst in las vegas SAD COW. All his tweets come to my phone now, I know this is controlling but that is how he betrayed me so he has to let me see what he's doing.
Doing this is the hard option at the moment its like we are friends with benefits, I cannot believe I am going through this with him, I cannot believe he has it inside him to make me feel this way.
I hope you're ok, was thinking of you last night at home, knowing that you were probably feeling as shit as I was but trying your best to be normal for him. :( its never ending.
Thinking of you.... x

[This message edited by misslocket at 5:31 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop trying to pretend that things are normal "for him."

Things are not normal.

He has dropped a bomb on your marriage.

Don't rugsweep.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop trying to pretend that things are normal "for him."
Things are not normal.

He has dropped a bomb on your marriage.

Don't rugsweep.

^^^Exactly. Do not tiptoe around the infidelity. He shattered your life, DO NOT hold your feelings in. The ONLY way he will understand the hell HE has put you through is to SEE the damage. He is whining, well, too bad, he wants all of this go go away. It's not going away any time soon.

ROCK HIS BOAT! GET EMOTIONAL!

It will take YEARS to move through this nightmare he created, DO NOT make it easy for him. Your D-Day is soooo recent.

Do not ignore your feelings. Let them out. I am nine years out, and I can tell you, as I'm sure many of the "oldies" here will attest to, that you should NOT hide your feelings. I was like a freaking raging crying lunatic, questioned him every day, and I mean every day. Repeated the same questions over and over and over.

The first sign of a TRULY remorseful spouse is their willingness to accept responsibility for their actions AND ALL the consequences of the affair. Your emotional state is a consequence, he should NOT be defensive at all. What has changed in HIS life since D-Day?


Posts: 7591 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
misslocket
♀ New Member
Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think its always just for him though, im sick of speaking about it as well, surely there must come a time where you have to try and not go on and over the same things.
If we go out for the day or for a meal I dont want that to be totally consumed by his actions I want to try and feel even just for that moment a little bit of normality, not normality as it my old normality just not the person who was cheated on, not the sorry ass cow who cries at every minute of every day thats all.
I understand what your saying though, again Im thinking of him, its a hard 12 and half year habit to break because I always but him first.


'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Blanket
♀ Member
Member # 43881
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad this brings you some salvation. I would never imagine that sharing my experiences with strangers would so therapeutic but it is doing my sanity the world of good and finding someone with such similar experiences and such similar hurdles has been ... Well I don't what the word is but I'm grateful for you. I too was thinking of you last night wondering what your evening had brought you. It's a constant unknown, wondering what mountain you are going to have to over cone each day. At one point I was literally getting a different version of my H morning, noon and night. I had no clue who I was going to be dealing with from one minute to the next. He became a total stranger during the A and for the weeks after. I has a really firm talk to him one evening (the day after I had been to a D lawyer as I thought I had reached breaking point and couldn't take any more). I said that I wanted my H. Back and e person he had become was not a nice person and the only people that he was endearing were also not nice people. During this time he distanced him self from his family, me, real friends and surrounded himself with virtual strangers. Something seemed to click that night because I've not had to deal with the unpleasant cruel stranger I had been faced with for months. That wasn't the last hurdle I crossed but the venom he was spitting at me stemming from his self hate seemed to subside.
I would never let my H know I was on here he wouldn't get it in a million years!! So like you I can't get on here in the evenings or at night.
I spent weeks staring at my phone willing him to text or call, turning my phone on and off just in case his message hadn't come through, texting him about nothing in the hope he'd say something meaningful. Any text I got no matter how brief or irrelevant, I'd then spend hours analysing it for 'what it really meant'. Then you think I can't believe I'm doing this with a man I've known and loved this long!! It makes you crazy! This is a welcome distraction! Rationally we know that a text means little and the actions are what counts but so much weight is placed on the tiniest of things now. I've never tried addressing how I feel in a text, I'm not sure it would get me anywhere he tells me it's fine, he's fine, everything is fine, fine ,fine- this is his most overused word! Who wants to be fine?! I was happy I don't want bloody fine!!
All relationships have flaws, we too had a crappy year leading up to the A again things beyond our control and just like you it seemed to divide us rather than unite us. I was not a perfect wife probably what people would describe as high maintenance and demanding but I literally did everything, planned everything, cleaned, cooked , made sure family birthdays weren't forgotten, mothered him, the only things he contributed were financial that was it . Things on reflection were deteriorating but I hadn't realised and he didn't tell me. I wasn't unhappy though. More to the point I didn't go running in to the arms of another! Is your H a people pleaser? Happy when others are happy ? Tells people what they want to hear?
My h would never tell me if something was bothering him - ever!
The fact you still managed to get your self to the shop and function albeit barely shows your strength and fight. Don't let that make you feel like a doormat you held it together.
My H did the same he'd plan boys nights out, trips to the pub, football then his holiday which he booked when I needed him here! It's all indicative of not facing the reality they have created.
I'm not advocating rug sweeping by any stretch, and I totally think that people should face the consequences of their actions and own it complete,y. I'm just saying that sometime you have to be patient and approach things in the right way in order to get what it is YOU need which is for you not him. I think you get a sense for when is a time when you'll get the response you need or when you will be faced with a response that will leave you feeling bad. That's not to say neglect your own needs or let he get away with it or even protect him. I look at is as protecting my self. Usually if I'm patient a window of opportunity comes when I get the right time to talk. I think that is an individual thing depending on who you are and what type of communicator your WS is.
Isn't it just hideous looking at how happy everyone else is all of a sudden everyone is happily married with children and having the time of their lives! It's not real everyone is facing demons and overcoming their own hurdles. Not to mention the fact that people only advertise on FB exactly how they want to be perceived not how it really is . I did a really stupid thing as soon as I found out I posted the texts I had found on FB tagging him in it so the 1000 'friends' (not to mention colleagues, clients and family) we have between us, all knew five minutes after I did! I do not know to this day what I was thinking!
I spent weeks saying I just can't believe it, total disbelief my IC told me I was in shock and I truly believe I was. You may still be it is an incredibly hard thing to digest. Where do you start in believing that this person you thought you knew has this capability that you had no idea existed. I found identifying his vulnerability to it, the type of affair it was and why our M was vulnerable to it helped. Not making excuses for him (it is inexcusable) but just understanding it all I had no idea it was so complex! I needed to know what I was dealing with and why. The problem now is that I know why but he doesn't therefore it is still present- the next hurdle! It just keeps on coming one after the next!
I really really hope your MC goes well tonight and you get a little something from it and I truly hope your H embraces it because the sinking feeling I got each wk when my H said he didn't want to go was just horrendous it felt like that was my only hope and that was being dashed.
Thank you for thinking of me I literally take my day one hour at at time , this helps!
Take care of your self x


D day 20th may 2014
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger


Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Uk
misslocket
♀ New Member
Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the same feeling of him being a different person at different times, sometimes he can be loving, then when hes enthusiastic talking about something hes great, then and then when he seems a bit off my heart sinks again its like I hang on his every emotion, why does have to have so many facets to him now. It may not even be that he's off, more-so just not as attentive as I want him to be, or what I want him to be, its mind boggling.
I find it extremely hard to talk to him about anything that may interest me as im scared he will just brush it off, or just say, 'yeah' even though he speaks complete crap to me about his interests and I engage and show interest because I want that side of him at that moment as its positive for him.
My OH definitely distanced himself when he was having the A he decided he wanted to go out with the 'losers' (his words pre A) from his work, when hes never had the time of day for them, he just wanted to escape anything connected to me or our normal life.
He's most certainly not cruel now, he can be unkind when hes in defence mode, the night before last when we were arguing about everything I made it clear to him that if he was ever to cheat again I would not be like this, I would not be on my knees and not be begging him, I told him I would pack his stuff and he ignored all that and said 'well you wont be horrible to me because I wont let you'. I then had to try and get him to realise that one he just instigated he may cheat again and two what right has he got to control how I would then react towards him.
I don't believe at all he was saying he would cheat again, he was just enraged at the prospect of me not being nice to him and that he would not tolerate it, he then tried to back track saying he didn't mean it in the context of cheating and that he simply would not allow me to be horrible to him.
Madness, he did apologise for that but that is what its like, he doesn't look at the whole picture, he selects the bit he doesn't like from what I have just said and defends himself on just that small bit, very frustrating, very childish.
I often find he apologises for something and then later will back track on his apology and then try and justify again the thing he has already said sorry for.
During the bad time, the week, I was the same with the text and analysing what it meant, how to perceive. I find because he's not a talker its easier for him to bring things up on texts, its all so juvenile. Today via text he's mentioned counselling, that its positive we are going to see a professional, he also asked if I was going to see this woman and then become strong and realise what a bum he is then leave him, so ever so slightly insecure I think, which empowers me slightly but only for a glimmer.
I've never looked at him as a people pleaser but to an extent I suppose he is, he doesn't kiss anyone's arse and definitely has an opinion on things but he is pretty submissive and would just go along with whatever, I suppose that's what he has always done with me, which obviously he wasn't happy with.
I agree with the rugsweeping thing and again its just so draining to go over and over and over. My thing now isn't so much the A as I know that's over, I know he regrets, its the lack of compassion to me and remorse, just like you feel and the feeling that they are not embracing the chance they have been given.
We dont have children, to be honest I dont know that I ever did want them, I think he did initially but this situation in the beginning made me think I do I do want them now but I know that was just my fucked up way of trying to keep him plus the tart loved telling me she may be pregnant as they didn't use precautions, that to me is mindless, Ive been careful for 12.5 years and he goes and sleeps with some scutter without a moments thought or clarity of what he was doing and the risk he was taking in doing that.
Facebook is a farce, no one is ever going to say day to day how shit their lives are, its just a bragging competition. my H isn't on Facebook but I don't blame you for what you did, I think at that point and that time you were totally justified in your actions and I would probably had done the same had he been on it.
I was signed off work with acute shock, so I definitely believe that this is what we all experience, you just shut down and are not able to function, I remember whaling constantly, I cant believe I'm going through this, over and over and over.
I think he is totally aware of how our relationship was prior to this and has some comprehension of how we got here so that's something, he also realises how amazing we were before and I think that's what we are probably holding on to, that we can be that again, hopefully better after working on ourselves, something I have already started to do.
I do think he is ready to embrace counselling too, I just hope this counsellor 'FITS' for us, as if he doesnt like her he wont open up and I cannot face another two weeks waiting for a new appointment.
He has always been totally against counselling so the fact he is open to it, to me, is a miracle in its self.
Im finishing work in half an hour, leaving early as I commute and need to get home and get ready for counselling which is 30 miles from my home.
The session is at 6.30, I hope to god we get something from it, else then what, im know I am running before I can walk but we need this to be positive for us.
I will be thinking of you tonight, I hope its easier for you, a step closer to happiness, if only a small one.
What did we do to deserve this? thank goodness we have this forum and each other to get us through.
Take care, you are truthfully making this easier for me and for that I am grateful x

[This message edited by misslocket at 9:12 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Blanket
♀ Member
Member # 43881
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so so bizarre reading your posts as you could be me in so many respects! I actually look forward to hearing from you as it is a god send to be able to have you to relate to.
People pleasing Husbands , I don't know if this applies to you but I'll share how I view my experience of my H it might help. My H is a total people pleaser (pp) he is a salesman and as such totally programmed to tell people exactly what they want to hear, he is also one of five siblings so having a voice as a child was a challenge. Throughout our relationship he just did whatever made me happy, including getting married! In the months leading up to the A things wee difficult, I was difficult, I had developed very mild OCD and would have a meltdown if things weren't quite right. I am very organised- he is not. Anyway I digress, he obviously got to a point where he felt he couldn't make me happy we argued a lot about his selfishness and I remember saying , I love you but I love me more and I just can't be your second priority anymore. So along comes OW , (half his age) thinks he is the funniest man ever , he showers her with gifts, expensive hotels drives her around I his flash car buys designer clothes he can't afford (all of this load for with money left from a loan from his parents to pay for our wedding), she loves this, probably thought she'd won the bloody lottery. This in turn makes him feel good as be us making her happy. He sees me I'm not happy . He sees her she's happy =he's happy! It's not real or sustainable but this then becomes addictive the elation mixed with the sex makes for a high. He created a total fantasy world for him self.
I totally get what you are saying, the affection and attentiveness is a constant need at the moment and when that need is not supplied its horrible. You hate him for not giving it and yourself for needing it in the first place. It's all so alien.
I too struggle to share anything re my day/ interests with him. And to be honest he is rarely that interested. He occasionally asks what I've been doing but again it's a reminder that I'm not doing what I should be (working!) as a result of his actions. I sit patiently listening to work/ World Cup chatter whilst thinking who gives a f**k our marriage is falling apart!!
My H totally labelled the people he was spending g time with as losers but I think at that time they are the only people they can relate to as they too are losers and there comes the self hate again!
It seems to me that unless that self hate is fixed this can not be fixed and that scares me!
My H said exactly the something about not putting up with me being difficult or horrible! Really ?! Well you didn't have the balls to even talk about our problems before so you think you will this time or will you just be a total coward again and run to the next young slut that massages your ego?! Pathetic!
My h does the same thing with apologies he's all sorry and the says he has to defend himself! Everything is an attack and he is so selective about which part of what I've said he actually hears. Incredibly childish and so so frustrating!!
Im so pleased your H is glad to be seeing a professional. It does sound like he may feel insecure. It is not possible for him to have forgotten the strong woman you are so there is probably a part of him that is concerned that you will wake up one day and decide to be without him. My h said to me one night (drunk) that he doesn't feel he deserves me. So I had a glimmer of control that night too. It is empowering and you have to change your perspective slightly to actually they are lucky to have us! It just doesn't feel like they appreciate that gift but that is a consequence of not facing up to things - another consequence of thier shitty behaviour!! I have said several times now to my IC (not to H yet but I will in time). It won't be the A that breaks us it will be how he deals with it from here on.
Wow! I don't want children either but I too went through the whole well if I got pregnant we'd always have a connection. Would I want a connection to a liar? No thanks! The only reason I'd crave that connection is because we wren together and if we are not together why would I want a connection. More to the point if he can't deliver emotional availability to me how would he to a child?
It seemed to be situations where people asked about how we met, holidays, our wedding etc that made him appreciate how good things were once .
I will be thinking of you this evening and hoping that your session goes well I truly hope it does.
I'm so grateful to have found you on here albeit sad that you are going through this shit too.
Keep telling yourself everything happens for a reason and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can be put together in their place.
X


D day 20th may 2014
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger


Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Uk
Blanket
♀ Member
Member # 43881
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondering how your MC went?


D day 20th may 2014
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger


Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Uk
misslocket
♀ New Member
Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning, I hope you're ok?
So here we go, counselling was pretty intense to be honest, I found though she just let us talk, H talked more than ever, in fact couldn't shut him up. Im not sure if she was trying to get the gist of the whole picture, she records the whole session and says that she will listen to it back from next week. I was so upset, I cried the whole time, H got choked at points too. She has a none judgemental approach and says im there for your relationship not to take sides. We kind of established that in life H just shuts down and sweeps any kind of wrong doing from him or anyone else under the carpet and just moves on and although at the end I felt a relief, what she said to me when we finished played on my mind in the car on the way home.
She was summing everything up and was trying to explain that his way of coping with things (just trying to get on) is how he copes with things in life, it's not personal to this situation and if I think about it actually that's true and then said to me about crying every day and how im responding that's my way and she said your both not wrong, hes not, your not its just how you handle things. So with that in mind where is the accountability in that? I mentioned it in the car and he kind of said 'well if i am wrong or something is wrong with someone else my way of dealing with it is to brush it under the carpet and that's ok'
So did she validate how hes responding or was she just stating a fact at that point, so Im going to mention that when we go next Friday.
Really hurt hearing him talk about her but she established that his blasť attitude towards the whole thing was the fact that it meant nothing to him, it wasn't emotional, he said she was like one of the lads (attractive!!!) energetic person and that is what he was attracted to not her. If I explain about him as a person, he is 1 of 13 siblings, he didn't have much growing up hence why I felt the need to spoil him. His Dad has battled with anxiety for years so much so he didnt leave the house for 10 years, all of his other siblings bar the youngest two all have some type of mental illness, be it anxiety, depresson, OCD, anorexia, Ive always counted my blessings that he seemed to dodge it all, until now. Prior to all of this happening if I look back I feel from last year he was suffering with depression, he wont say that though, he will say he felt sad and low, the lead up to the A I read and researched everything I could about depression and he had all the symptoms. In desperation I went to our Doctor and spoke to him about OH and explained all this and although without seeing him he couldn't completely diagnose he did say he had the symptons, although was in complete denial. He always suffers with OCD , not excessive, but he checks doors, plug sockets, he cant rationalise on some things that are simple to me but I have lived with it for our whole relationship, Ive asked him if he wants help but always proclaims to have it under control, prior to the A that went completely out of control. Last night the therapist said to him I that although he wont say the word depression prior to this does seem like a factor, now im not trying to justify his actions by blaming that he may have had a bout of depression, that is what it seemed to her. We were both going through a terrible time, it was tough, we were bickering and stuff and although i wasn't depressed I felt pretty shit and I suppose living with me made the 'depression' for him worse, so ever the one trying to keep me happy he would never in his dreams let me know that he felt this way, one I feel he thinks depression is a weakness, not an illness and for him a loss of control so would never admit it to himself let alone me, we watched his brother two years ago be sectioned, he was 19 and I think that coupled with the rest of his families illness terrifies him.
So hence he engaged with a 'energetic' person (twat) to try and lift himself back up because obviously I couldnt do it.
I felt I had so much more to say at counselling but obviously you have your hour and that's it.
I hope that over time we look at how he and I can make changes to a better place. The little that she did say did make sense, I thing I just expected a magic wand to put it right in an instant but OH felt absolutely fabulous about going, so that's good at least but then is that because its reaffirming that how he is acting is ok?
He was more attentive last night, it didn't feel forced and this morning, he apologised to me 'for everything' before he left for work and told me he loved me and has text me saying he felt good about the counselling and that he's sorry again.
AT the session he did say its hard for him to give anything when every day i am crying and crying and crying and its draining him and although might seem like he is rugs weeping, I can 100% see his point.
So why was I awake in the middle of the night questioning if it was beneficial at all. I feel completely insecure again because right now I am far from 'energetic' unlike the tart, so I have apologised to him for being such a negative thing in his life because i am now worrying that how I am right now is going to drag him down again.
Do you think I just need to keep going to the counselling hoping she will guide us.
I told the counsellor I resent him and wish I had the strength to just leave when it happened and he said to her I made it too easy for him, I just forgave him on the spot and said I want you its fine so he never had to fight.
I find now I just constantly go with what he wants to do, sick of world bloody cup but I watch it, sick of boxing but I watch it, do we do anything I want to do, NEVER, not any more but last night he proclaimed he was fine to do anything I wanted to do, do I feel safe to suggest something, NO WAY!
I made it clear last night he wants to be with me, I said I didn't believe him but the counsellor said, he has said many things that would support that so I suppose I have to take it for what it is.
Felt very upset this morning, I don't know why, I told him that I'm just broken and he says hes 100% responsible for that, that hes not responsible for how our relationship was but he's to blame and responsible for how I am now.
Why cant I take all this as positive, I think after counselling he felt great, I just felt I said the same things I had been saying to him for three months.
I suppose I can only hope for a better tomorrow, the next day, whatever. I wish I could go forward a month or two.
I do hope you're ok, how was last night for you, I too rush into work so I can see your posts, its all i have right now, I don't know how Im going to survive the weekend without your support as right now it means so much.
I truly believe after last nights session I have become a victim of my own creation, Ive created a monster and he says it himself, how ive spoiled him mothered him, not expected anything in return, he admitted hes become lazy in our relationship, maybe his actions this morning are a tiny glimmer of him trying to make a change but for now I will just take it as that and not expect any more.
I hope your ok, look forward to hearing from you and how you are and how today is for you. x

[This message edited by misslocket at 3:42 AM, July 4th (Friday)]


'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Blanket
♀ Member
Member # 43881
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, good to read your post. I'm struggling today. Each day a little more frustration grows with his lack of remorse and understanding. I know I am going to burst at some point but hoping I can hold it together until our MC on tues. he knows something is up but still isn't understanding enough to allow me to open up.
I'm glad you opened up at the MC and it's sounds really positive that he talked openly and felt good about it afterwards. I was probably a huge relief for him. I wish my MC did more work on infidelity and not just our communication I really need to address it now or I feel I can never move on.
I'm not sure if your MC was just acknowledging that people deal with things in different ways rather than saying how he deals is the best way. Maybe if she hadn't said that he wouldn't have felt so comfortable opening up? Maybe her next step is to take how you both deal with things and create a way that suits you both and meets both your needs? Please persevere I think you may regret it if you don't exhaust all options. I felt your frustration too I thought I would go in say this is what happened and she'd say ok this is how you fix it. But they have to take it right back , we've we doing work about how his family communicate and all I want to do is talk about the A but it's a long old process. Last week I said when I feel sad I wanted H to ask what he can do to make me feel better, she told me to 'own how I feel myself'! Not what I wanted to hear!
It sounds like you have masses to deal with on top of the A. Last yr my mil had cancer and then six months later it emerged my fil had been having a lta. It threw the whole family but because of my h's communication we never addressed or dealt with these things. The MC said when something is under that much pressure it is bound to break. I felt like it should have brought us together.
I totally share your frustration as to them owning what they have done but I think the fact your H talked about tibia really positive my h won't. He won't even say the word A it's just 'what happened'.
It sounds as though your H sought the A as a boost to himself rather than the fact it was her. It probably could've been anyone. That probably doesn't make you feel better but the fact there was no emotional connection is a positive I guess (if there are any in all this crap!). I believe my h had an A for similar fulfilment but it's not what we couldn't provide it's what they couldn't provide for themselves. It takes a certain level of emotional intelligence - being able to identify how you feel, why you feel it and how to address it to fix that gap they feel. That's not that they are not intelligent just not emotionally engaged or programmed that way.
You H has many things to deal with and it must be extremely difficult if he sees them as flaws rather than being able to think I'm depressed/ have OCD / my family is not perfect etc etc etc but that's how it is and that's ok , no one is perfect. I think much of the need for an A is about something that makes them feel worthy / good about them selves in that moment they have to block out the consequences on their BS or they don't get that high because actually what they are doing causes more self loathing , which now the A is over, is all they are left with - the reality they couldn't deal with in the first place.hopefully the MC might take your H to a place where he is ok with how he is and the need for control not so great . Does he have IC - would he go? I'm desperate for my H to see someone alone but it will NEVER HAPPEN adding to my frustration.
I think it's good he apologised this morning , maybe in that controlled environment he turned a corner he couldn't shut out your emotion so he had to address it. There is something different there to how it is at home. That's why I think I need to wait to raise my frustrations.
Please don't feel insecure about yourself. So she was energetic! What does that even mean anyway?! Is that her best quality?! She clearly has the morals of a gutter rat. Is she young? So what are your qualities? Well I do t know you and I know that you are a strong, loyal woman with high values, morals and a good spirit who is capable if forgiveness and love even in the face of devastation. 'Energetic' doesn't really compare does it?!
I too feel insecure but not about who I am, he nearly destroyed me and I felt worthless and ugly. I wouldn't let him see me with out make up in, I'd dress up just to watch tv. It was ridiculous after him seeing everything - me when I'm ill, in a scabby old track suit, in my big Bridget jones pants and all of a sudden that comfort has gone. I then decided that actually he's seen it all before and if he is so shallow that me without make up or non-matching undies is enough for him to stray then I don't want to married to you anyway! (Of course I do want to married to him but in the long run those things have no depth).
I find sleeping together difficult , we did the while hysterical bonding thing, my period stopped as I was so under weight but I came on this week and was so glad as it meant no sex for a week. That's the time I struggle with, I think is he thinking of her and it makes me want to throw up.

I can't believe your MC said you made it too easy for him?! You did what felt right. There was no right or wrong what were you supposed to do ask for a D just to make a point? I know she's a professional but that sort if statement makes me uneasy. How he is is not as a result of how you reacted! I did exactly what you did and said I forgive you immediately whilst he was still wavering about what he wanted! I was petrified he would end it there and then if I didn't tell him I still wanted to be with him.
I share your frustration re plans. I am so sick of the World Cup and last night he said he didn't know what to do with no football in- well you could spend some quality time with me! He's made a stack of plans this wk end meaning we have no time together alone (not sure if this was deliberate?!) not once dud he ask what I wanted to do! When he does ask I just end up saying I don't mind because even when I suggest something there is always a reason to put it off. I could scream at his selfishness. I then wonder why do I want to married to someone so selfish. Because I can't bear to imagine the void that the good times together would leave in my life and because I adore the man he was pre-A and want him back! So sad. It's all just so so sad.
I think it's a positive he takes responsibility for how you feel that's the first step isn't it? I think although you might have said the same things that you already said but with the MC there is someone else there to make sure he hears it. I truly hope he's mulling it over today.
It's so sad how we wish our lives away now. I had never dreamed I would do that . I was always a 'live each day to the full' girl now I want it to be next year, the year after. I just want to sleep through this hell.
You haven't created a monster , it's not your responsibility to form his behaviour it's his. Everyone becomes lazy in along term relationship with comfort often comes complacency and I'm sure we are all guilty of that. You conducted your relationship in the way you thought was best you can't beat yourself up over it now. You didn't create this situation but we all contribute to the issues in our relationship it's how they are addressed that matters. If you didn't know he was unhappy then what were you supposed to do about it? Give him some leeway now to do things differently, to take responsibility, to look after himself a bit. My MC told us that we seek in our partner the things we are not able to do for ourselves.
I'm struggling today with the whole frustration of it all and I'm worried I'm going to explode! We had a 'nice ' evening last night but there is always something missing for me. The I love yours I used to cling to when I first found out don't seem to carry the weight they did , I need more. I struggle to say I love you now. We had a strange conversation about our wedding out if the blue he started saying what a good day it was and I honestly sat there and thought I wish I had never married you. How sad when it was the happiest day of my life and I wish it had never happened. It means so little now, I stood there and meant every one of my views and he couldn't stick to his for 18 months!
I wish I could see in to the future to know if this is even worth it.
I'm so glad my support helps , reading your posts is so helpful to me too. X


D day 20th may 2014
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger


Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Uk
misslocket
♀ New Member
Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every time I read your posts its like a new revelation of how similar our situation is.
You will have to excuse my spelling mistakes and typos, im at work so have to minimize and maximise my screen in between working hence the way the sentence read about making it too easy for him, it wasnt the MC who said that, it was him who said it to me when I said that I begged etc to keep him.
So sad that your struggling today, it just seems like we are so up and down constantly, sometimes I have revelations to myself that I am going to paint my nails today, or maybe I should join the gym or go for a run but I physically cant do it, I know if I did it would show him that I am getting stronger and better for me but these feelings are so debilitating, they have literally shut me down.
I do think your counsellor definitely needs to address more than just the communication, how can you heal with the elephant in the room (A) and not be able to say anything about it, that would drive me crazy.
The type of therapy we are in is called 'Personal-Centred Therapy' its an actual form of counselling which I had never heard of until obviously needing it, google it if you have time.
I do think like yourself when you have a lot going on it does emotionally drain you and like us instead of pulling together, you have pulled apart and that is deeply saddening.
I dont think telling you to 'own how you feel yourself' is very constructive thing to say to you, in fact it kind of defeats the object of you going to MC because if you could simply own how you felt you could just get on with it. That is madness.
I do feel extremely thankful how he opened up last night, he said in the car and text me today 'its so good to talk' I think years of bottling stuff up had finally taken its toll, I think that's why he became so cruel at the height of everything because he had kept his mouth shut for so long he just felt f**k it I will just say it, in thank I dont think it was conscious decision he physically couldnt help it and he swore terribly everything, just the simplest sentence would have f*****g in and I kept saying why are you swearing like that, so out of character.
He was saying last night that when he was meeting IT he knew it was wrong he kept thinking about me and he needed to go and wanted to be home but because hes soft and a walkover she would say stay a bit longer and he did. I think when he says shes energetic he means like she was happy, bubbly upbeat and I suppose when your fighting depression that was the attraction, obviously I have stalked her facebook and she is just totally everything he is against, I tried to explain to him how manipulative a woman could be (again I am not sanctioning his actions) but she totally fed him everything he needed to hear, I mean what girl takes a tent sex kit with them the second time they have met someone in this situation and who packs condoms and then doesn't use them. I tried to say to him your so naive how can you not see it. She was seriously punching above her weight with him, I bet she thought she had hit jackpot.
He doesn't have IC but I may suggest it for both of us, I don't want to push things, hes just comfortable with MC so I do think it should be something I could push for in the future, shes a hypnotherapist also and works with people with OCD so I do think he could vastly benefit but then I dont want him to feel right now like I am attacking him about the OCD, so will bide my time.
I totally agree, Im going to hold out for the MC to show any grief or say things because he has to confront it and I suppose I am less hysterical in a controlled situation, ive got a week till the next one so wish me luck with that lol.
I too went from a person who could slob around in my onesie after work on the couch to a person that would walk in from work and go and top up my blusher and mascara and lipgloss and put nice clothes on to sit in front the TV like a twat, I bought new underwear (matching), and turned into Miss Whiplash in the bedroom, you make me laugh, I always used to say I loved slobbing around in my Briget Jones pants.
Those days are long gone!
I know the sex he had with her was terrible as I confronted her about it based on what he had said and she didnt deny it so I suppose I have had to take it to a new level so that I know I am better that THAT. The bedroom is my only place I have control now in this relationship, not that it should be in control but its like im irresistible to him but its not like loving and meaningful, its SEX and thats it, its like I have become all he would ever need in that area, how DESERATE am I.
I stopped my pill when I was in Las Vegas in the hope of catching him and my period never came so I thought I was pregnant but thankfully wasnt, although that was my sick ploy to begin with in the height of my insecurity.
Ive lost another 3lbs this week so in total 33lbs, my boss and work said I look ill today but I just don't have the ability to eat, I physically cannot do it.
We are going to the cinema tomorrow but again he picked the film, im going along for the ride, we are heading out somewhere tonight to walk our little dogs but that will be his choice too. I suggested we watched a particular film on Sunday yesterday and he said 'lets just see what happens' So I am suggesting nothing again, i refuse to, as soon as I do I completely regret it.
It does seem your H makes these plans to escape almost, we were like that when everything kicked off, we were out constantly trying to avoid the awkwardness at home but we cant afford to be out all day every day. its very difficult.
Im the same with the evenings, the naturalness of life has gone, its like you are constantly on edge even though you doing something you have done a million times before, its like a dark cloud descending over your life.
Even though he is trying, I feel sad because that opens up a whole barrage of is he trying just for me, or for us, is he being forced to try, nothing for me can ever be taken at face value, I have analyse every single thing, im sick of it.
I wish I had the balls just to rejoin the gym or go for a swim whilst hes boxing, do something for me but I literally cant.
Oh how I wish I had done a few things differently, I think we are all guilty of taking the simple things for granted, I see that now.
what a mess our lives are in.
Are you feeling any better now, how is he with you today?
Thinking of you and thanks for your suppport. x


'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Blanket
♀ Member
Member # 43881
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly what you mean our lives do seems to mirror each others in so many respects. I'm so grateful to have found you!
Please also excuse my spelling errors I'm on an iPad which seems to have a mind of its own as far as auto correct is concerned!
Don't think of making it easy for him you followed you heart and your gut. Why does he feel that is relevant now?
I went get my nails done in an attempt at empowerment I couldn't even talk to the poor girl that do them, I sat on the brink of tears the entire time! I then a few days later treated my self to a massage - complete waste of time I was practically climbing off the table to see if he had text me! The only thing I manage are nice baths. I seem to be avoiding all human interaction at the moment! I've not seen my friends in weeks because I can not bear to be asked how are things when no one really 'gets it'. Is there anything you do that you can enjoy right now? Enjoyment seems like a joke doesn't it. You feel like you will never enjoy anything again!
I just saw my H he came home from lunch to see me today, he told me how happy he was and how much he loved me. He knows something isn't right as he keeps asking if I'm ok and if I want to talk but something holds me back. Fear I guess. I'm afraid that if I start talking I will just spoil the weekend and he will shut down and I just can't bear it.
I really hope our MC addresses the A soon , it is driving me mad , we'll touch upon it but she doesn't seem to recognise it as the main issue. Surely we wouldn't be there if it wasn't for that!
I have heard of person centred therapy. I think that might be what I do with my IC. I will have a read about it.
I know I was really quite criss when she told me to own it! It seemed to go against everything I've read on here. Surely he should own it?! She made it sound like I was disregarding his feelings!
I'm so glad your H recognised that talking actually made him feel better that's positive. Hopefully he will hold on to that feeling and keep it going.
It's sounds like he's actually quite angry about things if he swore a lot. I expect a lot has built up over the years.
At least he thought about you. My H said he didn't give me a thought! I guess it's not much of a comfort now knowing he thought but it didn't stop him. It's just a concept that I don't think we will ever get our heads around as it is do beyond our way if thinking!
The tent sex kit just makes me feel nauseous she sounds hideous! I have no idea what my H and the OW talked about she was so young I suspect it wasn't anything deep. He did admit that he made me sound awful which was just heartbreaking when I think how close we used to be.its like a double betrayal. I'm not angry at her for some reason I guess because I think he manipulated her to an extent. He told her we had split up! He did let slip that he used to move his wedding ring which was another stab in the heart. He said I did keep it on though like I should be grateful!
I see why you wouldn't want to push it re IC, it's such a Shane they don't use their initiative to seek these things out for themselves. I was lucky my work paid for me to have 12 sessions and it really helped me. I think though he needs it more than I do!
It's so hard waiting for the next session to have a voice. I wish you allot if luck with that I feel like I might go into melt down this weekend. I've suddenly started thinking of new questions and I don't know... I just need more!
I brought new underwear too and I too became this person in the bedroom I had never been before!! I wish I knew what the sex was like with her. I never asked I don't know if I could stand the answer.
I stopped my pill too!! But realistically getting pregnant would be just about the worst thing that could happen to this situation now. He would be off!
Do you eat a proper dinner? I don't eat all day but I do eat dinner when he gets home. It's hopeless people saying just try and eat because the desire because there's no appetite. I used to love food and cooking but we eat frozen or prepared crap now as making food for him when I feel sick is just another resentful task on the list. As is washing his pants, cleaning our home . I actually threw some of his stuff away as it make me feel sick to know shed touched it. I hate the fact she violated my home. She literally lived my life some days. Enjoyed my beautiful home, my lovely husband, are off my plates, drank out if my glasses, it even makes me cross that she used my toilet! How could he allow that level if violation into my life. Ok I feel angry now!
Oh the 'let's just see what happens' wow are we writing about the same man?! He says that ALL the time. I have been desperate to go away with him and hes said next week, next month. It's now October but I expect it will be next summer at this date. We are meant to be going to Vegas at Christmas but I keep thinking I have no idea if we will still be together ten. I used to talk about doing things next year / in old ages now u can't think past this evening. We have a group if friends comjng over this evening then he's decided without checking invite me that he's having a boys day playing football tomorrow - never mind quality time! I agree I think it's a total escape. But the reality is still here when he gets back.
The dark cloud analogy is so accurate that's exactly what it's like . I just want to feel normal and have my life back but I know that is never going to happen. We now have this uncertain reality that will never be the same and each day brings a new set if challenges. I hate it.
I too cancelled my gym ,I was a total fitness freak now I'm a walking smoking Skelton! I wish I could find me again! Do you read?
I know I'm so disappointed that I took so much for granted but none of us expected this if we did we wouldn't have been where we were. I hate that we are all suffering because if another's bad selfish decisions.
I feel like I'm a living breathing soap opera and each day is a new episode of drama.
Thank you miss locket you are a god send x


D day 20th may 2014
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger


Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Uk
misslocket
♀ New Member
Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I nearly fell off my chair when I read your reply because again loads of similarities in fact exactly's maybe for some f***ed up reason this was our fate and we were meant to find each other on here, Ive never posted on any forum in my life for any other reason.
I did have my nails done when we first came back from Las Vegas, was just totally anxious about what he was doing the whole time I got them done, I went from blonde to chocolate brown trying to be a new woman and then it stopped because physically I couldnt do anything else, my eyebrows need threading, I cant face going out my door to go and get them done so I'm trying to pluck them but even that is an effort for me, I feel a bloody mess.
I cannot face anyone, at work I sit in silence and not speak, friends who know text me and I ignore them, I think you do it because you cant face the reality of it and discussing it makes it more real. I do find that I have no enjoyment in anything at all now, its gut wrenching.
Like Im here at work and im just getting through the day but Im already dreading going home because just the smallest thing from the way his face looks when he watches TV can set me off, I dont want to ruin the weekend either, hopefully I can not cry and ruin it for either of us, its strange coz I dread going home but I want to go home because I want to be with him, its so totally messed up.
They ask you if your ok but in reality they dont really want to know the answer because clearly you're not ok, he knows that, its like they go through the motions for the sake of it, not really wanting the truth because that would then mean a discussion AGAIN. Which they cant handle, i spend all day saying, im ok, im good, im fine. When he knows damn well I am not so don't bloody ask me.
Thats so sad that your H didnt give you a thought, maybe he just had a way to compartmentalise his emotions, thats awful.
H never said one bad thing about me to her, he told me that and she told me that BUT you wont believe this he told her we had been split up also....I couldnt believe when I read you say that. But I am not letting her off with that because he she knew we were living together and we were going on holiday. She instigated the whole thing by giving him her number. She's 27 so six years younger than me, not much, but that still made me feel absolutely shit. She is like a bloke, she fixes cars in her spare time.
When I caught them in the car, I laugh now, she left her green wellies outside the car, I can see them now as I pulled up next to them. I mean what a passion killer green farmer bloody wellies. I have to giggle to myself about that and many times Ive rammed down his throat and he gets pissed because its all totally embarrassing for him. Well Good.
Why would we even think they would get off their arse and got IC, they have never done anything else for themselves so we cant even consider that they would do something like that.
Its horrible when you have new questions because you dont want to ask to cause conflict but then you suffer inside by not asking, I feel exactly the same.
Are you sure your not me??? I only eat at home at night with him but even then its been things like a tuna salad, nothing substantial but that is the only time I can eat. I have water all day at work and the odd espresso from the drinks machine to just try and give me a kick because I feel so lethargic at times.
Ive always been known to love my food, here at work I would be asking everyone every day, what you having for tea, I have no interest in it at all now, If I never ate again I really wouldn't care.
I continue to do all the washing, cooking, ironing I do it all, in fact he even said last night at counselling that he offers to do things but really he's not offering because as he knows that ive always done it and will not expect it. He offers half heartedly, I suppose we do it to please even though inside we resent it.
Im the same with his clothes I through all his boxers away and brought new ones, I know which top he was wearing the night he first kissed her and he cant wear that again, I walked in the other day and had a revelation about his jeans so he took them off. I have to travel in my car knowing she sat in the passenger seat, how you cope with your home god only knows, I don't know how I would feel.
We have on and off said we are going to Florida next April/May, we have been twice before and had such a wonderful time and I think we both want to feel what we did back then but its such an on off subject because of everything.
What I will say to you though is a holiday will not make anything any better, we went to Vegas and I cried the whole time, I was dreading the thought of coming home to this situation again and although I can see why you want to go away it really doesn't help, when we came back from Vegas I wanted to book New York straight away (another boxing fight) or a holiday somewhere anywhere because las vegas was so bad but im glad I didnt. It was such a waste of money and now I resent the fact I spent it on him/us for all the wrong reasons.
He will got to boxing in the morning whilst im at home like cinderfuckingrella sorting all the house stuff out, being the dutiful slave as always, whilst he gets away and gets what he needs, away from me.
I already have anxiety sat here worrying about the challenges of tonight, tomorrow and Sunday then the fear of being away from him on Monday.
How does your H feel about your weightloss and the fact you're not going to work, does that make him feel terrible, If I did that to someone else I couldn't live with myself.
Men's minds are so black and white, I said that last night but women we live in the grey area of unsurity and not knowing what is black or white because everything just seems so hazy.
I do read on my ipad or my kobo but since this I cant, Ive always enjoyed reading but like everything else if I look at my ereader It just makes me want to vomit because reading was from my old life. I did download one of the books people say to read on here, can't think of the name but I don't feel it benefited me, at the time when I read im like, yeah I can do that, yes thats right, but then the reality is I simply cant do anything it says.
I said I couldn't get on over the weekend but will try whilst hes at boxing.
I think im going to go to the shop for a bottle of wine on the way home, im going to drive a longer route to have some head space, something for me, maybe get in 10 minutes later to see if he even notices, i know that seems like a mind game but I just need to feel that hes thinking about me.
Feel so sad right now I could cry, I feel so devastated by all this, even he text me today saying what's happened to us.
Dreading the prospect of a weekend of trying to be what I am not to keep the peace.
Look forward to hearing from you, sending positive thoughts (that will do nothing for you) your way.
x (nearly wrote my bloody name then)

[This message edited by misslocket at 9:27 AM, July 4th (Friday)]


'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
misslocket
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Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh and as if on queue, just had a text saying, you want wine? big brother and world cup later?

suppose that's my night DECIDED.X


'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Blanket
♀ Member
Member # 43881
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it strange that our experiences are so similar! I'm a big believer in fate . I e never posted on a forum until now either!
I keep telling my self that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure if it's try but I guess I'll find out one day!!
I keep nearly writing my name too! It's a very odd concept sharing you most intimate thoughts and feelings with someone who is essentially a stranger, yet you know more about how I feel and what I'm going through than anyone in my life!
Plucking my eyebrows, doing my roots, even brushing my teeth requires the most unbelievable effort! Things that were routine before I have to force myself to do.
I get so many texts from friends and family asking how's it all going... Blah blah blah... How can you answer that in a text. I know they mean well but like you say when you have to say it it's like another stab of what has become your reality and it's just too heart breaking to keep saying it!
I'm just like you, I can't bear to be away from him but at the same time dread being with him! We'll be in a group if his friends tonight so I will have to be all happy while I die inside. They all know so are all waiting for a hint if all not being well.
I really want to say next time my H asks if I'm ok to say no actually I'm not! And see if he actually gives a shit! But of course I won't because I'm too scared that he won't give a shit and then what do I do!
My H is very very good at compartmentalising his thoughts he does it with everything. I suspect OW is in a box somewhere in his head. The trouble with that is it is pandora a box and one day it will burst open I suspect.
I wish my H hadn't said awful things about me it just trashes everything. I know he told her be didn't want to get married and she's too young to even question the honesty of things be said. I don't think she really gave a shit anyway. All my things were still in the flat so why on earth would she think I was gone for good. I was living out of a suitcase in my mums spare room whilst they enjoyed my home! It makes me sick. I don't why I feel so cross today it just feels very raw again today.
I have the difficulty that the IW was incredibly beautiful but half his age! I don't get it at all.
We swore that if either if us ever got even tempted to cheat we would end our relationship it was the mutual deal breaker. Really I never ever thought in a million years I would be faced with that dilemma! I feel so stupid now. And he knew that while he did it so surely he must not really have cared about us being together? That's why I find it hard to understand now whether he truly wants in.
I'm glad you said what you said about the holiday I was wondering if it was too soon to really enjoy it. I think you are right. I think I have this idea it will be just like it used to be but it won't will it?!
Green wiellies - really?! Eww! Why? It is so strange how they go for the person you would see as the least threat!
I don't know when they first slept together and for some reason the question is burning inside me today. I thought I knew everything I needed to but I don't. Maybe I have been rug sweeping too?!
I drink coffee all day I wonder if it's what makes my mind go at a million miles an hour! At least you are drinking water. Perhaps a vitamin supplement might help.
He says nothing about me not working or eating. It's like to acknowledge that would mean acknowledging that it's his fault - which of course mine if this is! I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing I'd destroyed another person but his conscious allows him so much peace it astounds me!!
I think you're right we carry in doing our 'chides ' to please. God how did it cone to this?!
It sounds as though your H is feeling some remorse which is positive according g to all I read so that's good. If he text you that today he is clearly thinking of you. I just got a text saying I could have a cuddle later! Yes really that's what it said!!
Does your H know you threw stuff away? I put my H's favourite pants in the Salvation Army bin. I remover one evening ( I was sleeping over!) him going to great preening lengths and the next morning he put on the bloody matching pants and socks. I just knew then . So I threw them away. He thinks lost them!
I too feel like a slave right now I should e cleaning up so all his mates think we live Ina palace!
I know right now it feels like you can't do anything but it will come (and go) embrace the strong moments and they will come more frequently. Keep reading that in its self is empowering.
It's such a Shane we can enjoy things like we used to . Even things they were not a part of like reading a good book. I just read a hundred pieces of me it helped in a v strange way. But sadly life is not a novel so it doesn't have the inevitable happy ending a work of fiction does.
You may find that extra ten minutes does you the world of good. Isn't it sad we feel we have to test them now?!
I too feel so so sad. It is so devastating. I feel like I'm grieving.
I am also feeling exactly the same as you about the weekend. Why are we trying so hard to keep the peace we didn't ask for any of this. Last friday I tried to talk to him he said I just wanted a nice weekend is that too much to ask. Well yes actually it is all I wanted was a nice f-ing life but you crapped all over that. Of course I didn't say it. I just kept quiet so he could have his nice weekend., pathetic.
I truly hope you have a peaceful wk end I will be think g of you. Take care of yourself x


D day 20th may 2014
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger


Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Uk
misslocket
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Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blanket I hope your ok! I've been thinking about you all weekend. Mine has been horrendous. Catch up tomorrow. Snuck on to message you x


'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read any replies so sorry if I am repeating what others suggest. I'll share my story and take.
1st. 3 months ago DD is NoT enough time to do anything except get in IC and MC. Get him to find his own IC too. This is crucial for him to express his feelings and find out what it is within him that would allow him to betray the most impt person in his life
2nd. My guidelines w H were he get an IC, he attend MC, he cuts off all contact, and he works to show me he deserves to remain in this home while I figure out if I truly even want him there.
3rd. Do u have children? I hate to say it but if I did not have kids, I would not choose to R. The stubborn woman would toss him aside and move on bc I wouldn't want to start a family w a liar. Any liar, not just a cheat.
I'm in R mode ONLY bc of these kids and I do love him. I would sacrifice my own needs and dump in heart beat if no kids simply out of inability to stand liars

Next, H insisted on coming to my IC w me day after A. Then he found own IC and goes each week. We attend MC. During all these appointments, we were able to address all out weaknesses, gaps in our marriage and we are now trying to fill them.

I am 7 months out. For the first few months,
I vomited each morning, woke up w screaming nite terrors, lost 20 lbs, cried all the time. I'd say 3 months is too soon to talk repair. I see it as a stabilize period. Cry, let it out, allow him to comfort u. Don't over talk the A. Don't over talk what u need. Just stabilize YOU. Schedule time to express emotions. m, W, F after work? Half hour time. Rest of time, focus on YOU
Stop making him tea, lunch. Cut back whatever u did got him and let him do for YOU. yOU need to stabilize, not him. If he insists u do those things or if he doesn't step up, well then, you see where he stands as far as making u feel impt in marriage

How my H helped me stabilize-- he checked on me when I was alone and crying. (Sometimes I wanted him to hold me, other times I needed alone time). But he asked and checked
He would bring me tea. Or water. Advil.
He'd pick up a magazine when he'd make a run to grocery store. He'd entertain and cook for kids if I was having bad time. He'd pick up housework slack if I tuned out. He'd allow me to go out w friends whenever, asking if I had enough $. He'd text me often during day, even just a smile.

It's hard. We are no where near in full R. We are moving past recovery mode into "dating mode". We are redefining our marriage and gettig to know the new us.

I still cry once a week but usually only for minute or two. Xo. Hang in there. It's a rough road. Don't do it unless u really want to and really feels he can prove himself worthy.


Posts: 352 | Registered: Dec 2013
misslocket
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Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning, I hope you're ok, how was your weekend?
So strange over the weekend, really missed our messages and I realised the reason I hadn't cried for three days was probably because I have had you to bounce off and because you understand exactly what I am going through, wish I could of said the same for the weekend because I sobbed Saturday and Sunday, regretfully in front of him and I am so angry at myself for it.
I now get major anxiety if he gets a text asking him to do something because that is what he said was happening when really he was going to meet her. Do you check your H phone, I do and I hate that I have become that person.
How did it go on Friday, with the friends around? Did you manage to put on a good show, as expected.
Did you get your cuddle that was promised in a text, how humiliating it is when our relationships have come to that, that we are promised a cuddle, fuck your cuddle, are you meant to be grateful for that?
I think part of the reason I can't read, even if its fiction, is I cant cope with the happiness of anyone or anything around me, it makes me feel terribly sad, if we are out in public or just watching something on TV and a couple are slightly affectionate its like a stab in my heart, I know it sounds ridiculous but it literally makes my eyes fill up with tears.
I saw your post about you would rather he died and depicts exactly how I feel, at least you could grieve for that, at least you would know he loved you like before, that for you and him it was the same but we are faced with this, a relationship with a complete stranger, that's the hardest bit.
On Friday, I drove home the long way and he text me saying 'your going a funny way home today' he'd obviously checked the find friends app to see where I was, so that was a 1-0 to me for that moment.
Then he text me saying, at 4.40pm (football started at 5pm) so he text saying, do you want wine, I can rush to the shop now and get you some but I need to know right now as football starts at 5!! Hed been home from work from 2pm, so that was a joke, so I said no its fine I will sort it!! How horrible is that.
So I went home, stared through the football match, I went and fetched an Indian, while he sat on his arse, I was coping well with the silence and not speaking but woke up on Saturday morning and felt absolutely terrible, I got out of bed at 6.30 and went and sat on the sofa and he kept asking me what was wrong and I just started crying, I hate myself for it as he asks what's wrong but really he doesn't want me to speak because he cant cope with the crying all the time, so he had to deal with me as quick as possible before he went boxing so I didn't ruin that for him, I felt completely debilitated, I didn't want to move off the sofa, I think my brain was just fried so I fell asleep then woke up not long before he came home and quickly had a shower and got ready, we walked our dogs and I put on a front the whole time then we went home and got ready and went to the cinema, his choice, he constantly asks me how I am but I just feel he really doesn't want the answer, as obviously I am not OK, Saturday night was much the same as Friday, FOOTBALL!
Got up yesterday, got really upset again, went out with our dogs, was teary the whole time, he kept saying why are you crying, try and pull yourself together. Massive talk when we got home, started questioning him about the A again as stuff had got into my head and I needed answers.
Hate hate hate that I have become so needy this weekend.
Yesterday afternoon we watched a couple of films, he was really nice to me but then I think is he naturally being nice or trying to be nice, this is the problem, I cant take anything for face value, to a point it felt slightly 'normal' last night.
When we were having our 'discussion' I he said to me that if we were telling someone on the outside what he did to me and how he was after the fact and how he is now that they would tell us to split up, so WTF does that mean and also been on my mind about something he text me a few weeks ago, when I was hysterical, he said, if I cheated on you 1000 times and was horrible to you all the time you would never leave me!! Think I am going to bring these things up in counselling as they are pretty shitty and no point saying them to him as he will become defensive.
Did I tell you, the tent tart, she works at his work? Its not exactly within his exact place, its a bit off his work, shes the only girl doing a mans job, again, ATTRACTIVE, and I totally believe him that he has nothing to do with her, she has my phone number and I think she would delight in telling me if she was in contact with him, so initially I told him to look for another job which he said he would but never but how can I cope with him working there with her.
The way I see him in my mind now is like he is a different person at work, so angry at him.
Anyway feel different today, a bit lighter almost, im embracing it as who knows how I will feel in the next hour or two hours or tomorrow. Its weird but Im still strange, still insecure, still hate what me and him have become.
You have your counselling tomorrow, I bet you have so much to say, im wishing my life away until mine on Friday.
I was thinking maybe we should set each other little things to do, like paint our nails or do our hair or just something lol...it may seem crazy but I just think if we are both doing it, its like we are doing it together. Its so difficult but I just dont want to feel like this forever.
Thinking of you. x


'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Blanket
♀ Member
Member # 43881
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi miss locket
I hope you've been ok today?
I really feel for you having such an awful weekend. Mine was strange - good and bad! But feel pretty crap today if I'm honest!
Don't be angry at your self for being upset. You have had the most awful thing happen to you and crying is perfectly understandable.
I get exactly the same anxieties re situations like text messages/ going places/ doing things. Particularly if they are things that he previously used as excuses. I have checked my H's phone numerous times and always end up feeling like I have betrayed him!! It's such a horrible feeling, I always feel sick I case I find out something . I can honestly say I really don't think my H has had contact with OW.
I know I was so insulted by the text re the cuddle I seriously just don't think there is any thougt process sometimes.
I know exactly what you mean about seeing other couples/ happy endings to films books etc. I live in a location where we see many weddings a week and without fail I cry every time. I haven't brought my self to watch a film yet as I can't bear a happy ending or something that plays down infidelity.
How blizzard that he is checking up on you and where you are?! Maybe there is a little insecurity there?
Men are generally useless but in light of what has happened doesn't it all just seem so much worse things that usually would make roll your eyes make you cry now! Like the wine / football situation.
I'm so sorry you had such an awful day I feel so sad for you and I can't believe he told you to pull yourself together! That must have hurt. I too feel I can't take anything at face value and words seem so cheap now. I think the fact he said that people would tell you leave him means he clearly sees wrong I what he has done and is doing now. Have you read about the fog? It's interesting my H was definitely in the fog for weeks after it was like living with a stranger it was horrendous! May be your H is still processing things. I know that doesn't help you but it might make you feel like there is a light at the end if the tunnell.
I can not believe the text your H sent about cheating 1000 times. That is so so hurtful. It's like he scents that you forgave him- do you think he feels he doesn't deserve you?
Can you wait until Friday to raise them?
I don't know how you cope with them being in the same vicinity. My H'sow was a co worker but thankfully she left.
I'm so glad you feel lighter today and I'm so pleased that I am of some use to you.
Isn't it just horrendous that we share such a sad sad experience?
I am going to post sewerage,y about my weekend so please read I would value your view. I finally had to speak I couldn't wait until, Tuesday.

I too wish life past I hate my self for doing it. I just want the day where this pain stops and it seems so far off.
That sounds like such a lovely idea. Let's do something each week for ourselves and congratulate each other when we find the strength to do it. What shall we do this week?
I do hope you are ok. You were in my thoughts all weekend.
Be strong xx


D day 20th may 2014
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger


Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Uk
Topic Posts: 41
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