I see what you mean. Maybe its because I am 2 years out but I don't think loosing this fact (one and onlys) is nearly as painful as I once thought it to be....maybe I am healing enough that it is no longer traumatic level pain. I think I was looking for things to be outraged about....and society tells me this is one of them. But for blakesteele....was it?
I do see what you mean. Its like when you are healthy you arent necessarily grateful you can breath deeply and without coughing. But once you get sick you value being able to breath deeply...because you can't!
I kinda see this.
But as I recover from my porn addiction I see how I was not "breathing deeply" with regards to sexual intimacy long before my wife chose to have have an A....particularly the emotional and spiritual part of intimacy, since the physical part was kept to myself and NOT shared with others.
There is still some pain involved in the fact that my wife willingly took her body and gave it to another man. She gave it to get....so she did not offer it out of love. But it was still had by another. And that fact is painful. OM took her body and used her for his pleasure....a week after he did he dumped her and found another. Could this have been the type of guy I would have been if I had NOT had my FOO fears???? I will never know the answer to that question...but as tempting as RA has been for me....I think it a good possibility. God help me, I do.
As I ponder this.....it was my fear of intimacy and abandonment that was responsible for me NOT using women. I have two puberty aged nephews....iPad addicted...online gaming....plenty of "alone time". I have visited with their parents about my use of porn and how it hurt my marriage....offered to share more if they were interested. Their Mom thinks porn is not a temptation to them because they are "geeky". Actually, not all together sure they think porn is destructive to young minds. I soooo get that attitude, as I had a similar one.
They are in a secure loving home...have not been abandoned, have not been a CSA, they feel loved and secure in their home. So if they lack the fears I had as a puberty aged boy....isn't their risk of sexual sin MUCH greater than mine?
I know it is not my concern to work on. (CoD's like to think they can control others by taking on their shit and working through it) I will continue to pray for them.
I sincerely appreciate you taking a different angle with me...and having the courage to challenge my post.
The elusive factor here is my porn use. I am still figuring what it has done to me...but it is a factor within my journey. At the very least porn devalues intimacy.
NOTE: Therapist has encouraged me to give myself SOME credit for respecting women on my own...out of a geniune part of me. I hope that is true, but who wouldn't.
We have daughters. I am working hard within this area because I want to do a couple of key things;
1. Be a man I would like them to date and marry.
2. Help them feel physically, emotionally, and spiriturally secure.
3. Bond with them on all 3 levels so that when they experience pain in their lives they will feel comfortable coming to me.
4. Mature myself so that when they DO come to me I CAN comfort them.
As we look at our childhoods....we see a common theme. Our older sibling was our go-to person to survive parts of our childhood. I am forever grateful to my older brother...but he is just 18 months older. We were kids raising kids when it comes to intimacy. We did the best we could but there is no substitute for mature parents.
I also NOW see why my Dad chose as he did, why my Mom chose as she did. I have more compassion for both.
Compassion and grace are key here.
Facts remain.....just like the facts of this post. All the compassion and grace in the world do not change the fact.
However, compassion and grace DO change our perspective.
So the pain is still there....but it is felt through a new perspective. KWIM?
Wisdom is being found by me.
Wisdom = the ability to view your sitch objectively and respond stabily.
God is with us all.