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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Pain shopping....wow!
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this to another post....but wanted to post this on its own. I am just in case it might help others reevaluate what their pain is or isn't.

I visited with my wife last night about the first and only's pain. As we talked I realized something......I didn't value that fact in my pre-A M.

Kinda surprised me.

We had pre-M sex. I was never saving myself for M. I was saving myself for a girl I felt safe and love with...my wife was that girl. But being a virgin when I wed was not something I valued.....never a goal of mine. We never valued that fact. It was not special to me either. I get NOW it was special....but up until my wife's A it was not. In fact, I liked her to tell me about old BF's she fooled around with, I had a fantasy of a threesome......never acted on it, but had the fantasy. So I didn't value it as I thought I did after DD. Porn definitely skewed my perspective. But the "loss" of that specific fact was a source of pain.....or so I thought.

I have wondered why I didn't use girls in high school or college why I didn't go all the way with girls who wanted to. After all I used porn and had GF's very open to sex. Society and research says I should have used girls. I asked my IC this question

"Why since I was using porn and full of hormones did I NOT have sex in with my other girlfriends?"

She wasn't surprised at all and said

"Your fear of abandonment and intimacy was greater than you desire for sex. Sex to you was a very intimate act.....using porn was not. Porn was easy and you had total control. Porn would not hurt or abandon you. You trusted grace runner not to hurt or abandon you. So you engaged in the intimate act of sex with her."

Wow................


All of that to say this to you.


Something that continues to help me have compassion for my wife, to process through the shock and pain of not knowing her as well as I thought......is instances like this. Instances where I meet parts of MYSELF for the first time.

This first and only's "loss" is another shock to me. I mourned the loss of something I didn't value. I think I was pain shopping on this item.

There is traumatic level pain no matter what turns out to be real or shopped for pain. No need to shop for more.....carts already full!

Peace.

P.s. Sex with my wife, even skewed with joint porn use and my lack of cherishing her by me using porn, was an intimate and bonding act. It was still a serious, intimate act for me. It still hurts she betrayed me and another man has been inside her. I still wrestle that sex took place AFTER my first DD. I did the best I could.....the pain and shock of that day influenced me to ramp up my CoD habits.....and dreadful results happened. That is real pain I didn't shop for, I didn't think my wife would inflict on me. She was my first....and was NOT because of hormones or her willingness to use porn. She was because I love her. Guess if I didn't, there wouldn't be much pain, huh?

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:54 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4008 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I disagree, which sounds so odd because it's your pain we're discussing.

The fact that you 'didn't value' being onlys pre A doesn't mean the pain of that no longer being the case isn't real. It may not have been something you spent time thinking about, but it was a fact in your marriage, and her A changed that. It's one more area that was stripped from you in a cruel and deceitful manner. That hurts. Having your life changed in ways you don't agree to hurts.

I don't see this a 'pain shopping'. You may, and as I said, it's your pain, but to me, just because I didn't wander around dwelling on certain facts doesn't mean my husband's actions changing those facts and taking them from me doesn't hurt.



The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks painfulpast!

I see what you mean. Maybe its because I am 2 years out but I don't think loosing this fact (one and onlys) is nearly as painful as I once thought it to be....maybe I am healing enough that it is no longer traumatic level pain. I think I was looking for things to be outraged about....and society tells me this is one of them. But for blakesteele....was it?

I do see what you mean. Its like when you are healthy you arent necessarily grateful you can breath deeply and without coughing. But once you get sick you value being able to breath deeply...because you can't!


I kinda see this.


But as I recover from my porn addiction I see how I was not "breathing deeply" with regards to sexual intimacy long before my wife chose to have have an A....particularly the emotional and spiritual part of intimacy, since the physical part was kept to myself and NOT shared with others.

There is still some pain involved in the fact that my wife willingly took her body and gave it to another man. She gave it to get....so she did not offer it out of love. But it was still had by another. And that fact is painful. OM took her body and used her for his pleasure....a week after he did he dumped her and found another. Could this have been the type of guy I would have been if I had NOT had my FOO fears???? I will never know the answer to that question...but as tempting as RA has been for me....I think it a good possibility. God help me, I do.

As I ponder this.....it was my fear of intimacy and abandonment that was responsible for me NOT using women. I have two puberty aged nephews....iPad addicted...online gaming....plenty of "alone time". I have visited with their parents about my use of porn and how it hurt my marriage....offered to share more if they were interested. Their Mom thinks porn is not a temptation to them because they are "geeky". Actually, not all together sure they think porn is destructive to young minds. I soooo get that attitude, as I had a similar one.

They are in a secure loving home...have not been abandoned, have not been a CSA, they feel loved and secure in their home. So if they lack the fears I had as a puberty aged boy....isn't their risk of sexual sin MUCH greater than mine?

I know it is not my concern to work on. (CoD's like to think they can control others by taking on their shit and working through it) I will continue to pray for them.


I sincerely appreciate you taking a different angle with me...and having the courage to challenge my post.

The elusive factor here is my porn use. I am still figuring what it has done to me...but it is a factor within my journey. At the very least porn devalues intimacy.

NOTE: Therapist has encouraged me to give myself SOME credit for respecting women on my own...out of a geniune part of me. I hope that is true, but who wouldn't.

We have daughters. I am working hard within this area because I want to do a couple of key things;

1. Be a man I would like them to date and marry.
2. Help them feel physically, emotionally, and spiriturally secure.
3. Bond with them on all 3 levels so that when they experience pain in their lives they will feel comfortable coming to me.
4. Mature myself so that when they DO come to me I CAN comfort them.

As we look at our childhoods....we see a common theme. Our older sibling was our go-to person to survive parts of our childhood. I am forever grateful to my older brother...but he is just 18 months older. We were kids raising kids when it comes to intimacy. We did the best we could but there is no substitute for mature parents.

I also NOW see why my Dad chose as he did, why my Mom chose as she did. I have more compassion for both.

Compassion and grace are key here.

Facts remain.....just like the facts of this post. All the compassion and grace in the world do not change the fact.

However, compassion and grace DO change our perspective.

So the pain is still there....but it is felt through a new perspective. KWIM?

Wisdom is being found by me.

Wisdom = the ability to view your sitch objectively and respond stabily.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:41 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4008 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There definitely are people who would consider this pain shopping, but I'm not one of them.

Healing means releasing pain, and to di that, you have to root it out first.

IMO, that means looking at all possible sources of pain for you and checking each one out. You did that with 1st & only and found that loss wasn't, in fact, a big one for you. But you owed it to yourself and to your W to check it out.

That's one less source of pain you have to worry about...makes recovery so much easier, right?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sisoon)))

Yes! I see it wasn't traditional pain shopping so much as sitting with pain.....feeling and healing through it to the other side.

Turns our there was real pain....but was not as strong as other pain has been.....and this could be a reason I am experiencing some healing surrounding it "faster" than other pain.

It is good to realize this.

Thanks for the nudge.

Peace, my friend.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4008 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sincerely appreciate you taking a different angle with me...and having the courage to challenge my post.

That's what SI is for, right? I can't even begin to list all of the thought patterns I had that have shifted thanks to the members here.

The elusive factor here is my porn use. I am still figuring what it has done to me...but it is a factor within my journey. At the very least porn devalues intimacy.

I may be WAY off here, but excessive porn use desensitizes a person's feelings towards intimacy, leaving just an empty physical act. Perhaps this is why you feel that the "Only" being removed from your marriage isn't as big a deal as you once did? You may have a less personal view of sex, in some way, because of the porn addiction? Just a thought.


NOTE: Therapist has encouraged me to give myself SOME credit for respecting women on my own...out of a geniune part of me. I hope that is true, but who wouldn't

Give yourself credit for all the learning and growing you've done.

We have daughters. I am working hard within this area because I want to do a couple of key things;

1. Be a man I would like them to date and marry.
2. Help them feel physically, emotionally, and spiriturally secure.
3. Bond with them on all 3 levels so that when they experience pain in their lives they will feel comfortable coming to me.
4. Mature myself so that when they DO come to me I CAN comfort them.

LOVE THESE!!!


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 6

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