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Newest Member: Maggie1000 (45722)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 10 days in and struggling.
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Based on what you have said, pushing your WW for what you need is not going to work. She is still to foggy and yes, will resent it.

So you have to 180 hard and focus on YOU and the kids only. It can be done. You are strong enough.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to add that you should save all of these texts you are seeing between her and the OM.

Posts: 4279 | Registered: Jun 2002
PBST2
♂ New Member
Member # 43948
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

norabird, are you saying I shouldn't make demands of her? Or are you saying I should make the demands, but follow the 180 behaviors? I feel like I'm getting mixed messages. Today I informed her father and her aunt (who is close to her) about what has happened, because what I am doing is not snapping her out of it. I read that pressure applied from other sources can help. I know she is going to resent me for it, but up until today she has faced no consequences for actions other than seeing me cry.


Me: BH - mid-30s
Her: WW - mid-30s (EA & PA w/ coworker, ~5 months)
Married 11 years, together 14
D-days 6/20/2014 & 7/2/2014 (continued EA)

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest, USA
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PBST2 you are correct to expose to relevant famly and friends and ask for their support.
You should also knock on the door where his wife lives and just tell her in person.
She may have no idea.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Hurthalo
♂ Member
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PBST, it sounds like you are doing everything right so far. My W pulled the same excuses re: her co-worker AP and both of them thought that they could continue working together in a professional manner after D-Day and everything would be fine. Wrong, they simply both had no idea of the level of hurt they had imparted.

APs wife told me of the affair, and I am still glad she did. When I found out, I went nuclear on it. Full exposure to family, and I went to their work and told AP that NC meant NC. You know what happened? They both now hate each other after they both threw each other under a bus to save their marriages.

Your gut was spot on about her trying to maintain contact with the OM, well done for busting her on that.

Your next steps are:
1. Inform this slimy prick's wife. Be kind to her.
2. Lawyer consult (first ones are often free)
3. STD test. For you and your wife.


Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13


Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She needs to know your demands in plain English. If she unconditionally agrees, no 180. If she doesn't, 180. It's that simple. You aren't even in Limbo. You are in Hell.

HB ends eventually, as many here can attest. End it when you give her the list of your demands unless she unconditionally agrees.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
PBST2
♂ New Member
Member # 43948
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife came home tonight for dinner and to see the kids. She immediately tried to hold me and comfort me, but I pushed her away. I was in full 180 mode, being courteous but demonstrating my apathy to her being there. She seemed genuinely shocked at my behavior and I could tell she was extremely uncomfortable. She asked if I would speak "rationally" to her and she offered to be honest with me, acknowledging that the lies have continued. I told her it wouldn't do any good at this point unless she first committed to leaving her job. I made it clear that there is no chance for R unless she quits her job. She told me she's not willing to do that, because of our uncertain future. She said she needs to be able to support herself. The thing is, she has been telling me about other job opportunities over the past couple of months. When I brought that up she didn't want to hear it. She is the type of person who cannot stand anyone giving her an ultimatum. I asked her to sleep somewhere else for the night unless she was willing to agree to my demand, so she packed up and left without saying a word to me. I'm pretty sure the D will happen before she gives in to my demand. Tomorrow I go to see the lawyer to have papers drawn up. I will present them to her before filing.

At this point I'm wondering how to handle the next couple of days. She goes to work tomorrow while I go to see the lawyer, and possibly take a trip to see OM's wife. It's quite a drive though, and I have no idea if she'll be home or if he will be there. I'm not sure if the lawyer will be able to give me the papers tomorrow, or if I'll have to wait until next week. My wife insisted that she stay with the kids tomorrow night, so that leaves me wondering what to do. Do I leave the house, or sleep in the guest room and continue the 180 behaviors?


Me: BH - mid-30s
Her: WW - mid-30s (EA & PA w/ coworker, ~5 months)
Married 11 years, together 14
D-days 6/20/2014 & 7/2/2014 (continued EA)

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest, USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She did not have to acknowledge the lies continued as you had the proof. So she acknowledges she's been lying and what is she going to do about it. She offers nothing.
You wife is still in the affair and her telling you she will not quit because of the uncertain future is bull shit. The only reason anything is uncertain is because she fucked another man and will not break off contact with him.
Do not leave your house for her. Do what your attorney tells you tomorrow and give her the papers if you get them.
You now have a marriage with three people in it and she refuses to change that

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont "abandon" the house. Plop down in your usual bed. Don't welcome her there. Tell her there's a spare room or couch for her.

Its 180 time, baby. No discussions except kids and finances/divorce related. Its not time for her to appear sorry. When AP's BW finds out, the shit will hit the fan and she'll likely get kicked to the curb.
Her life will be ruined. Too f'ing bad.

You weren't consulted about her decision to enter into an affair, were you? You can return the (lack of favor) about divorce filing. Just do and don't tell her until its filed. Maybe getting her the papers at work would be poetic justice?

Regret isn't remorse. Regret is her being sorry its uncovered so the secrecy/romance aspect is gone. Remorse is genuine sorrow about how her choice to have an A screwed up YOUR life and endangered family life in general.

I'm sure she'd love a forgive and forget attitude. Only a fool would agree to that, no matter how sweet she acts now.

You did the right thing by being polite but distant. The less you say to her, the better off you'll be.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will present them to her before filing.

My advice is to NOT do this until you have ALL your ducks in a row. After your talk with your attorney you may want to go ahead and setup bank accounts and transfer half the joint money. Start calling up credit card companies and remove your name from joint accounts, and if you are the primary card holder remove her from them as an authorized user. Tell them you are in the process of divorce and they will know how to proceed.
What you don't want is for your WW to jump the gun and file D before you do. Don't talk D yet until you are really ready to file.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her admitted she was lying was fine but like others said, what did she say she was going to do about the lying.

What about her broken promises.

She said she needs to be able to support herself.
Tell her there is still time to look for and get another job. Divorces are not immediate. If she shows she will do as you need her to do, there is still time.

But she still has a long way to go in even owning up to the fact that what she did was terribly wrong. And she doesnt seem to get that yet.


Posts: 4279 | Registered: Jun 2002
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PBST2

Read Criags post to you.

What does her she think speaking rationally about the continued lies mean? Does she think that's fine and she can just continue on with that.

She is really in Disneyland and you better knock her out of it or you are in for a real shitstorm of continued humiliation.

Don't put up with this crap.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
PBST2
♂ New Member
Member # 43948
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So is the consensus that I should go ahead and file, and if that snaps her out of it consider the possibility of reconciliation? What am I exposing myself to if she is able to file before me? The lawyer today said that if she tries to empty any accounts, it would be accounted for in the final settlement.


Me: BH - mid-30s
Her: WW - mid-30s (EA & PA w/ coworker, ~5 months)
Married 11 years, together 14
D-days 6/20/2014 & 7/2/2014 (continued EA)

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest, USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, in 2015 or 2016. Take 1/2 of joint accounts NOW, before there is any court order prohibiting such. By filing, you have some control over the initial proceedings and pushing the case forward.

Are you in a no fault state? If so, ask whether fault enters into property division decisions. In pure no fault, it doesn't.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is not going to snap out of it. You have now caught her twice and she is not remorseful and adamantly insisting she will do what she wants to.

She is regretful she got caught and wants to try to manipulate you into letting her rug sweep.

Just ask yourself with her track record now how do you live with this knowing every day she goes to work with him and there is no way for no contact to be enforced. You will have more repeats and will be in detective mode forever.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't seen this comment here, probably because its too obvious. That planned weekend getaway? Fugetaboutit!

Point blank ask the lawyer what's wrong/illegal about separating joint accounts evenly, getting her off your credit cards, getting you off hers. Don't take lawyer bullshit for an answer. Protect yourself. Believe me, the lawyer won't accept getting his fees when the case is over. (Sorry to my fellow lawyers, but I always hated lawyers who are good at spending client money but insist on full, prompt payment for themselves).


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Hurthalo
♂ Member
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PBST, mate, you are doing everything right so far. You are acting decisively, and it is evident that she won't be able to sit on her A fence for very long. My W did the same; remained in contact with AP under the false belief that we could all just move on as per normal and chalk the affair up to a mistake. I even got the 'I can't believe you are giving me an ultimatum (re: work)...I don't think it's fair that you would divorce me over something like that.' Of course the notion that I'd divorce her over the idea of dating another married man didn't occur to her at the time.

Definitely tell his W. My fWW and her AP took the affair underground when his wife found out, but things VERY quickly ended once I found out 2 weeks later.

It's a terrible time mate, and I do sympathise. You are doing very well so far, keep it up!


Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13


Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you do is file and serve her AT WORK.
Divorces take time you can stop it if she comes around but it doesn't look good right now.
And you have to get a hold of his wife asap you will have a better chance of killing the affair.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure the D will happen before she gives in to my demand.
This tells me she'd rather be right than married.
Do not leave the house. If your WW wants to stay at home with the kids then simply sleep in another room.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4082 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is holding firm about not giving up the email password. She says that by me taking away that outlet of private communication with her friend, it would "not help our cause". I'm not sure how to proceed. If I force the issue I know she's going to withdraw and be resentful.

Very simply, she does not get to withhold information that you have requested, nor does she get to be resentful of you, or withdraw from you. Those are unreasonable stances from her at this juncture. She has betrayed you, destroyed you, decimated you, and is lucky as hell you can speak to her without calling her a bunch of unflattering names. Do not accept this!


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 527 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 123
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