1. Contact OMs Wife ASAP......bubble goes poof
2. Take half of all money....ASAP..Open new accounts at different bank.
4. Move valued physical assets to storage or other safe place
I did this within 12 hour Time frame
you do this.....and the fantasy bubble goes poof
5. Contact her human resources.....ask them about a fraternization policy.....let them know what has happened...and if any of it happened on company time or property.
no#1 will do some serious damage on its own.....when i contacted the OMs wife....it was like a veil lifted and reality kicked in....the guilt and shame....etc etc
[This message edited by Long Gone at 8:56 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]
I hope you are meeting with your lawyer today.
Your wife lied to you when she said she wanted to work on the marriage.
She is following the cheaters script to a "T".
Stay tough. Go to the bank today and take half the funds and out them in another account for safe keeping.
If the lawyer cannot get her served in a timely fashion that is ok. But do this:
Have her served at work. It sets a tone for her that you are done with her affair nonsense at work.
Believe me. Others know that she is screwing around.
Last but not least get a hold of the OMW today.
Do it. Without any warning. Have evidence ready.
I also met with the lawyer and gave him a retainer. The tentative plan is for him to file on Monday. He recommended getting an injunction to maintain the status quo regarding our assets. He recommended not saying anything to my wife about it yet. My wife has handled our finances over the years. If I take half of the money, she will know immediately what I am planning and it will escalate into total nastiness. I truly believe she won't do anything crazy until she knows I've file for D. That being said, I'm not too worried about what would happen if she did empty the accounts. I could get a loan from family to tide me over for a couple of weeks before my next paycheck, and eventually I would get the money back in a settlement according to the lawyer.
I have to admit I am questioning myself on what to do about her job situation. Today she seemed more amenable to looking for another job, but she flat out refuses to quit immediately. My lawyer seemed to be questioning this strategy as well--he thinks it's asking too much of her and doesn't see how that will ever lead to reconciliation. That being said, I know his opinion probably shouldn't count for much. My wife's step-dad, who really wants us to stay together, also has told me that he believes the ultimatum is not the right strategy.
On the other hand, my parents, my brother, her father, and her aunt all think I'm well within my rights to demand that she quits. Is there anyone here that believes there is another way I could approach this? My wife keeps saying she wants to talk, and now that she is becoming more open to the idea of finding another job, I'm finding it more difficult for me to take a hard line. She says she'd be out on her ass if she quit her job and things didn't work out between us.
Your wife is not a trustworthy source of information.
You need to call his wife..or send her a message and ask her to call you.
I thought your wife was supposed to be NC with OM. So, how does she know you contacted his wife..unless they talked..and that certainly wasn't work related.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Today she seemed more amenable to looking for another job, but she flat out refuses to quit immediately. My lawyer seemed to be questioning this strategy as well--he thinks it's asking too much of her and doesn't see how that will ever lead to reconciliation. That being said, I know his opinion probably shouldn't count for much. My wife's step-dad, who really wants us to stay together, also has told me that he believes the ultimatum is not the right strategy.
The ultimatum strategy is to get your wife out of the fog. It is a consequences based situation. You have asked your wife to stop the affair and to stop communicating with the OM and you have found she has not stopped.
You have found that she did lie to you about continuing the affair and personal communications.
Since she has not done what you initially requested, what else are you supposed to do. And that is exactly how you should explain it to your father in law. Maybe then he can talk sense into your wife and explain to her just how disrespectful she is being to you.
As for your wife not quitting before finding a new job...that just make economical sense that you can't argue with, unless it looks like she is dragging her feet.
This is more than just about you and her. This is about your family and kids too right. She has done nothing but prove that she can have an affair at her job with AP.
Many of those who stayed working with their APs here on SI took the A underground and continued. Because they could everyday at work. No electronic devices needed. Can you live in a relationship like this knowing that your wife is perfectly capable of doing this again?
It's harsh yes. But you didn't make this mess and if she showed true remorse this wouldn't be an issue. She would want to get as far away from her AP as possible like many of the other wayward's on this site who put in the hard work.
Give her two weeks. She was talking about other job opportunities before dday. Tell her to get another job, or there really is no way you can reconcile.
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious
First, please disregard what family who do NOT HAVE to live in your situation tell you. Any male relatives i would just ask them how they would like the guy banging their wife to be in contact with 8 hours a day.
But remember, she not only lied about their continued contact, but still also wants her secret e mail address so she also wants to be able to do what she wants to.
You have to make the choice on what you can live with. i think if you find out, and you will find out, what the OM wife has done, it may help. If she comes down on her husband like a ton of bricks, then the threat of it continuing will diminish. It could still go underground but less likely. You will know the answer to that because I imagine if the OM wife believed you and was demanding him cut ties to your wife, she will come home pissed as hell at what you did. If she mentions nothing, then the OM wife either did not give a shit or did nothing. next step on that one is to go to their HR Department with the evidence.
As far as the lawyer is concerned, I would still file because it lets her know you are absolutely not fucking around here. The peace of mind of staying in control of this would be worth the money to me, but that is your call.
Also, lawyers are not therapists so i would be cautious about marriage advice from a lawyer unless you know them well and trust them.
Just saw the part about your wife knowing you contacted other wife. If she is nonchalant about that then it had no effect unless guy had already confessed to his wife.
[This message edited by Badhurt at 12:16 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]
Look for new job = forever happiness with repenant wife
She's had the chance to look for a new job before, but obviously had every incentive not to do so. With OM's W on his case, I think she'll find the incentive to get a new job. So, don't make your willingness to R dependent on something that may well occur anyway.
Make sure you have a succinct list of "must haves" which can include look for new job/quit, but that is only one of several such as NC, transparency (knowing where she is at all times), electronic openness (passwords, accounts, no deleting histories, no second phones, etc), answering your questions when asked, truthfulness, etc.
The only sure thing she's done is proven that she's a cheat and a liar. Remember the words here: watch her actions. Lies are too easy to tell.
And remember, if she says YES to your demands, then you'll CONSIDER offering R to her. Its a gift to her, not something she earns. Make sure she understands that. You aren't guaranteeing anything to her since she was the cheat and liar, not you.
And, tell her you want her STD screen results in writing from the doctor's office.
You can always file and halt the proceedings later. I think it's good she is open now to looking for another job but it is a bit too little too late as well. You can't force her to quit immediately but if you feel that is what you need then you can tell her so and file if she won't.
I would lean towards filing no matter what and then seeing how her actions follow. Does she commit to getting a new job and get one soon? Does she show that she's serious? Right now, her talk is hard to put stock in.
You also can take this at whatever pace feels right for you. Of the advice here, take what works for you and leave the rest. Everyone does this at their own timeline and everyone makes their own mistakes. But at a certain point limbo is no longer tolerable.
Without trust, whats to say she wont find some new friendly coworker at a new job.
A great deal of R is all about the WS rebuilding trust. Without trust, there isn't much.
She is not entitled to privacy right now since she has already shown what happens with her having privacy. Unless she is willing to give you her passwords and access, you could be back to square 1. I hope she can understand this and soon.
You have to verify that OM's wife knows. If there is a way to reach out to her and meet her in person you can give her printouts of the communication you found. Otherwise, send the printouts Fedex, UPS with recipient only signature required and tracking#. She can use that to confront her WH. Don't be surprised if by now the OM has sold his wife some story that your this crazy jealous stalker husband of some female coworker. I got gaslighted this way by my XW before the OM's wife talked to me in person.
To make matters worse, I think I screwed up bad in trying to inform OM's wife. I believed that OM would try to intercept my Facebook private message to his wife, so I sent the message to 2 of her friends. Well, those 2 friends apparently didn't keep it to themselves. OM's wife called me and was absolutely enraged at what I had done. I feel so bad about this. I was just trying to get the message through, but I wasn't thinking clearly about the consequences of my actions.
More than ever before in my life, tonight I wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up. Somehow I am feeling worthless right now.
Too bad,if she's upset. Don't fall for her emotional blackmail. Don't try to nice her back or be Mr Loving Husband.
Absolutely file on Monday and have e lawyer get that injunction. WW will be a wild woman and show her inner demons to you. Good. Makes your decision easier.
Tell her your minimum demands she won't agree, but at least you tried. Do not answer her questions as they will be only to bait you.
Yes, the fb message should have been " have Other mans wife,call or email me please".
Think before you act: does,what I'm planning to do advance,or hurt my cause?"
[This message edited by Badhurt at 8:47 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]
My wife's step-dad, who really wants us to stay together, also has told me that he believes the ultimatum is not the right strategy.
She says she'd be out on her ass if she quit her job and things didn't work out between us.
She says that this will be a significant hurdle for us to overcome and she now refuses to talk to me.
She doesn't want R. She wants to continue the M on her terms.