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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 10 days in and struggling.
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice? In Order

1. Contact OMs Wife ASAP......bubble goes poof
2. Take half of all money....ASAP..Open new accounts at different bank.
3. File....
4. Move valued physical assets to storage or other safe place

I did this within 12 hour Time frame

you do this.....and the fantasy bubble goes poof

oh....and this....

5. Contact her human resources.....ask them about a fraternization policy.....let them know what has happened...and if any of it happened on company time or property.

no#1 will do some serious damage on its own.....when i contacted the OMs wife....it was like a veil lifted and reality kicked in....the guilt and shame....etc etc

[This message edited by Long Gone at 8:56 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can make your needs for staying in the M clear--but then step back and let her step up to them, or not. Your boundaries are in your control and you should think carefully about what they are, and she should know them; but her abiding by your boundaries is out of your control, and THAT is where the 180 comes in. It allows you to focus only on the things you do control and to let go of attempting to control her behavior. Either she will step up and deliver what you need (right now, since she seems foggy I doubt that) or she will keep crossing the boundaries. At that point you will have to think about what consequences you want to enact.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PBST

I hope you are meeting with your lawyer today.

Your wife lied to you when she said she wanted to work on the marriage.

She is following the cheaters script to a "T".

Stay tough. Go to the bank today and take half the funds and out them in another account for safe keeping.

If the lawyer cannot get her served in a timely fashion that is ok. But do this:

Have her served at work. It sets a tone for her that you are done with her affair nonsense at work.

Believe me. Others know that she is screwing around.

Last but not least get a hold of the OMW today.

Do it. Without any warning. Have evidence ready.

Good Luck

HM


Posts: 978 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
PBST2
♂ New Member
Member # 43948
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I did break the news to the OM's wife (I tracked her down on Facebook). I have confirmation (via conversation with my wife) that she got my message. I have no idea how things are playing out right now with OM's marriage.

I also met with the lawyer and gave him a retainer. The tentative plan is for him to file on Monday. He recommended getting an injunction to maintain the status quo regarding our assets. He recommended not saying anything to my wife about it yet. My wife has handled our finances over the years. If I take half of the money, she will know immediately what I am planning and it will escalate into total nastiness. I truly believe she won't do anything crazy until she knows I've file for D. That being said, I'm not too worried about what would happen if she did empty the accounts. I could get a loan from family to tide me over for a couple of weeks before my next paycheck, and eventually I would get the money back in a settlement according to the lawyer.

I have to admit I am questioning myself on what to do about her job situation. Today she seemed more amenable to looking for another job, but she flat out refuses to quit immediately. My lawyer seemed to be questioning this strategy as well--he thinks it's asking too much of her and doesn't see how that will ever lead to reconciliation. That being said, I know his opinion probably shouldn't count for much. My wife's step-dad, who really wants us to stay together, also has told me that he believes the ultimatum is not the right strategy.

On the other hand, my parents, my brother, her father, and her aunt all think I'm well within my rights to demand that she quits. Is there anyone here that believes there is another way I could approach this? My wife keeps saying she wants to talk, and now that she is becoming more open to the idea of finding another job, I'm finding it more difficult for me to take a hard line. She says she'd be out on her ass if she quit her job and things didn't work out between us.


Me: BH - mid-30s
Her: WW - mid-30s (EA & PA w/ coworker, ~5 months)
Married 11 years, together 14
D-days 6/20/2014 & 7/2/2014 (continued EA)

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest, USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know OM didn't intercept the Facebook message? He has known for awhile that you know, so he assumed it was a matter of time before you told his wife. Chances are, he's been watching for you to make contact.

Your wife is not a trustworthy source of information.

You need to call his wife..or send her a message and ask her to call you.

I thought your wife was supposed to be NC with OM. So, how does she know you contacted his wife..unless they talked..and that certainly wasn't work related.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today she seemed more amenable to looking for another job, but she flat out refuses to quit immediately. My lawyer seemed to be questioning this strategy as well--he thinks it's asking too much of her and doesn't see how that will ever lead to reconciliation. That being said, I know his opinion probably shouldn't count for much. My wife's step-dad, who really wants us to stay together, also has told me that he believes the ultimatum is not the right strategy.
Her quitting her job is not about R, it is about your peace of mind. My wife quit her job and the affair with her ex-coworker continued for awhile. So quitting her job does not mean the end of the affair nor does it lead to R, it is only meant for your peace of mind that they arent together.

The ultimatum strategy is to get your wife out of the fog. It is a consequences based situation. You have asked your wife to stop the affair and to stop communicating with the OM and you have found she has not stopped.

You have found that she did lie to you about continuing the affair and personal communications.

Since she has not done what you initially requested, what else are you supposed to do. And that is exactly how you should explain it to your father in law. Maybe then he can talk sense into your wife and explain to her just how disrespectful she is being to you.

As for your wife not quitting before finding a new job...that just make economical sense that you can't argue with, unless it looks like she is dragging her feet.


Posts: 4298 | Registered: Jun 2002
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi PBST2. Have any of those people who think giving your wife an ultimatum suffered an ultimate betrayal like this? Have they had their heart and their family put through a shredder?

This is more than just about you and her. This is about your family and kids too right. She has done nothing but prove that she can have an affair at her job with AP.

Many of those who stayed working with their APs here on SI took the A underground and continued. Because they could everyday at work. No electronic devices needed. Can you live in a relationship like this knowing that your wife is perfectly capable of doing this again?

It's harsh yes. But you didn't make this mess and if she showed true remorse this wouldn't be an issue. She would want to get as far away from her AP as possible like many of the other wayward's on this site who put in the hard work.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for the job..She absolutely has to quit.

Give her two weeks. She was talking about other job opportunities before dday. Tell her to get another job, or there really is no way you can reconcile.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
PBST2
♂ New Member
Member # 43948
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But now I feel like I'm in a bind, because the laywer is ready to file on Monday and I'm out a minimum of $1000 if I tell him to hold off. If my wife agrees this weekend to start looking immediately for another job, how should I play my cards?


Me: BH - mid-30s
Her: WW - mid-30s (EA & PA w/ coworker, ~5 months)
Married 11 years, together 14
D-days 6/20/2014 & 7/2/2014 (continued EA)

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest, USA
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I can relate to everything you are saying. My husband cheated multiple times and lied about it. More lies to cover old lies, and on and on. Everytime I would question something, he made me feel like the crazy one and would really get angry. He'd deny things and act like my insecurities were the issue. I believed that for years. He finally confessed to everything when I discovered his latest affair a month ago. Now, the flood gates are wide open, he listens, he takes my anger and he cries that he hurt me. He was not in a place of remorse prior to this time and I should have listened to my gut then. AT this time, I'm dealing with true remorse and my anger about years of lies. I don't think anyone ever knows someone elses marriage. I think there is a level of understanding between spouses that only they know and decisions have to be based on what you know is right for you. I don't think she's remorseful at this moment, but if you can get into counselling and rebuild the intimacy, the future is completely up to you. I'm sorry you are hurting. I think we all understand that part :(


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PBST2

First, please disregard what family who do NOT HAVE to live in your situation tell you. Any male relatives i would just ask them how they would like the guy banging their wife to be in contact with 8 hours a day.

But remember, she not only lied about their continued contact, but still also wants her secret e mail address so she also wants to be able to do what she wants to.

You have to make the choice on what you can live with. i think if you find out, and you will find out, what the OM wife has done, it may help. If she comes down on her husband like a ton of bricks, then the threat of it continuing will diminish. It could still go underground but less likely. You will know the answer to that because I imagine if the OM wife believed you and was demanding him cut ties to your wife, she will come home pissed as hell at what you did. If she mentions nothing, then the OM wife either did not give a shit or did nothing. next step on that one is to go to their HR Department with the evidence.

As far as the lawyer is concerned, I would still file because it lets her know you are absolutely not fucking around here. The peace of mind of staying in control of this would be worth the money to me, but that is your call.

Also, lawyers are not therapists so i would be cautious about marriage advice from a lawyer unless you know them well and trust them.

Just saw the part about your wife knowing you contacted other wife. If she is nonchalant about that then it had no effect unless guy had already confessed to his wife.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 12:16 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let the lawyer file. Tell your wife that you will rescind the divorce papers if she starts to show remorse and starts to put in the work in on healing you, herself, and the family. Let her know that the D can be stopped at any point in time but it's up to her to stop it. Let her know that it's not something that you wanted, but since she's not all in, was a necessity to protect yourself and the family. Tell her she's the one that started this mess, she's the only one that can end it.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its not some scientific equation of

Look for new job = forever happiness with repenant wife

She's had the chance to look for a new job before, but obviously had every incentive not to do so. With OM's W on his case, I think she'll find the incentive to get a new job. So, don't make your willingness to R dependent on something that may well occur anyway.

Make sure you have a succinct list of "must haves" which can include look for new job/quit, but that is only one of several such as NC, transparency (knowing where she is at all times), electronic openness (passwords, accounts, no deleting histories, no second phones, etc), answering your questions when asked, truthfulness, etc.

The only sure thing she's done is proven that she's a cheat and a liar. Remember the words here: watch her actions. Lies are too easy to tell.

And remember, if she says YES to your demands, then you'll CONSIDER offering R to her. Its a gift to her, not something she earns. Make sure she understands that. You aren't guaranteeing anything to her since she was the cheat and liar, not you.

And, tell her you want her STD screen results in writing from the doctor's office.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((PBST2)))

You can always file and halt the proceedings later. I think it's good she is open now to looking for another job but it is a bit too little too late as well. You can't force her to quit immediately but if you feel that is what you need then you can tell her so and file if she won't.

I would lean towards filing no matter what and then seeing how her actions follow. Does she commit to getting a new job and get one soon? Does she show that she's serious? Right now, her talk is hard to put stock in.

You also can take this at whatever pace feels right for you. Of the advice here, take what works for you and leave the rest. Everyone does this at their own timeline and everyone makes their own mistakes. But at a certain point limbo is no longer tolerable.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, complete transparency with all passwords, etc is more important or at least equally important as quitting her job.

Without trust, whats to say she wont find some new friendly coworker at a new job.

A great deal of R is all about the WS rebuilding trust. Without trust, there isn't much.

She is not entitled to privacy right now since she has already shown what happens with her having privacy. Unless she is willing to give you her passwords and access, you could be back to square 1. I hope she can understand this and soon.


Posts: 4298 | Registered: Jun 2002
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would still file as well. It is action that backs up your words that three people in a marriage is completely unacceptable to you. What is the time frame where you live from filing to finalization?

You have to verify that OM's wife knows. If there is a way to reach out to her and meet her in person you can give her printouts of the communication you found. Otherwise, send the printouts Fedex, UPS with recipient only signature required and tracking#. She can use that to confront her WH. Don't be surprised if by now the OM has sold his wife some story that your this crazy jealous stalker husband of some female coworker. I got gaslighted this way by my XW before the OM's wife talked to me in person.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 621 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
PBST2
♂ New Member
Member # 43948
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need some guidance right now. I am feeling like absolute shit. My wife came home and was furious that I told her dad and her aunt. I told her that I didn't do it out of spite, but it was an attempt to snap her out of her fantasy world. That didn't go over well. She says that this will be a significant hurdle for us to overcome and she now refuses to talk to me. She even tried to kick ME out of the house, which I of course refused. Tonight I was planning to send her my list of conditions under which I will consider R, but she is so fuming mad right now that I don't think it's the right time. My wife's step dad took me out for drinks and told me I was an idiot for doing what I did.

To make matters worse, I think I screwed up bad in trying to inform OM's wife. I believed that OM would try to intercept my Facebook private message to his wife, so I sent the message to 2 of her friends. Well, those 2 friends apparently didn't keep it to themselves. OM's wife called me and was absolutely enraged at what I had done. I feel so bad about this. I was just trying to get the message through, but I wasn't thinking clearly about the consequences of my actions.

More than ever before in my life, tonight I wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up. Somehow I am feeling worthless right now.


Me: BH - mid-30s
Her: WW - mid-30s (EA & PA w/ coworker, ~5 months)
Married 11 years, together 14
D-days 6/20/2014 & 7/2/2014 (continued EA)

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest, USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let the dust settle where it may. She's cheating, not you.
Don't count on objective advice from her family. Ain't gonna happen.

Too bad,if she's upset. Don't fall for her emotional blackmail. Don't try to nice her back or be Mr Loving Husband.

Absolutely file on Monday and have e lawyer get that injunction. WW will be a wild woman and show her inner demons to you. Good. Makes your decision easier.

Tell her your minimum demands she won't agree, but at least you tried. Do not answer her questions as they will be only to bait you.

Yes, the fb message should have been " have Other mans wife,call or email me please".

Think before you act: does,what I'm planning to do advance,or hurt my cause?"


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all calm down. Let's start with the OM wife.why should you give a rats ass how fucking mad she is.,her husband was banging your wife and the two of them were still carrying on behind your back. Now, all her friends know about it and even if it is just about embarrassment, his life has just been made much more difficult. And it is much more likely he will cut your wife off if he wants to save his marriage. I'd say congratulations and great job on that one.
Now for your wife's relatives. Keep them the hell out if this . Not because it pisses her off but because they are not in your shoes and have no clue what you are living with.
Now last for your wife. Sorry, but she banged another man, lied to you about no contact, refused to give up private email, so she does not get to dictate what happens.
Of course in her opinion it will make it harder for R because it will not be all on her terms.
I would just tell her when she calms down and she will, that you are not living on a marriage with three people in it and she can be as pissed as she wants.
Unless you want to keep eating a shit sandwich that she is giving you, don't back off one inch.
If you think you are not happy now, imagine how much fun you will be having with her lying to you and continuing her affair.
She is super pissed because there have finally been some consequences for her actions
File the papers

[This message edited by Badhurt at 8:47 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife's step-dad, who really wants us to stay together, also has told me that he believes the ultimatum is not the right strategy.
You're not bargaining here. It's not about an "ultimatum". Your wife is cheating. Part of how that happened is through her job. You need to be gone from that job to feel safe.

She says she'd be out on her ass if she quit her job and things didn't work out between us.
Translation "I'm worried more about me than I am about us or you."

She says that this will be a significant hurdle for us to overcome and she now refuses to talk to me.
Translation "You need to win me over. You need to convince me to R."

She doesn't want R. She wants to continue the M on her terms.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4105 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
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