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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 10 days in and struggling.
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your stepdad is probably well meaning, but he's plain wrong. Everyone wants you to rugsweep. Then things will go back to normal. But they never do. And it ignores the damage that was inflicted on you.

Read what Badhurt wrote at 8:33. he's right on the money.

In my opinion, you're doing everything right. If people are getting hurt because you're ending their affair, the hurt is on them. They are the bad ones. Not you. Telling the truth is not the crime. Adultery is the crime.

i would definitely file on Monday. Your ww isn't going to like it. Too bad. She needs to understand there are consequences to actions.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all calm down. Let's start with the OM wife.why should you give a rats ass how fucking mad she is.,her husband was banging your wife and the two of them were still carrying on behind your back. Now, all her friends know about it and even if it is just about embarrassment, his life has just been made much more difficult. And it is much more likely he will cut your wife off if he wants to save his marriage. I'd say congratulations and great job on that one.
Now for your wife's relatives. Keep them the hell out if this . Not because it pisses her off but because they are not in your shoes and have no clue what you are living with.
Now last for your wife. Sorry, but she banged another man, lied to you about no contact, refused to give up private email, so she does not get to dictate what happens.
Of course in her opinion it will make it harder for R because it will not be all on her terms.
I would just tell her when she calms down and she will, that you are not living on a marriage with three people in it and she can be as pissed as she wants.
Unless you want to keep eating a shit sandwich that she is giving you, don't back off one inch.
If you think you are not happy now, imagine how much fun you will be having with her lying to you and continuing her affair.
She is super pissed because there have finally been some consequences for her actions
File the papers
Read this again^^^^^

What I would also do now is STFU!!!! Do not engage her. If you must answer, a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" will be suffice. The ball is in your court now. Your in control of your own life. No one can take that away from you!!!!


Posts: 1545 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You shouldn't feel guilty about exposing. If the OM's wife wants to keep her head buried in the sand then let her. At the very least she now knows what her husband has been up to and has the choice of whether to remain with him or not.

One further point. You have already set your conditions so there is no need to continue engaging with your wife and her family. Until you see actions (not words!) which indicate that she is truly remorseful, you should continue with 180.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
sohowamI
♀ Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you have done is absolutely right. You've had the strength to follow through with actions. Too bad if your WW is pissed off. She now knows that actions lead to consequences. She's suffering the fall-out of bad choices and it's 100% on her.

Don't listen to advice from her family. Blood will always be thicker than water and you will be dropped by the wayside by them.

Don't worry about OM or his spouse either. They will have to work out their problems. Too bad if others know. That's what happens with affairs. They become spiders' webs, incorporating the flotsam and jetsam that's left around (sorry for the mixed metaphors here...)

Don't let her bamboozle you with her rages. She's feeling guilt and anger and fury because she now has realised that she's been found out and her fantasy is at an end.

You can always reconcile. Even people who go through divorce reconcile. There has to be the want to reconcile from her before this happens though.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
PBST2
♂ New Member
Member # 43948
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling better this morning, but I could have handled things better last night. I let some of my anger come out when talking to my wife. She says I'm just pushing her further away and that I've "gone off the deep end". She says that she was becoming much closer to me during the 10 days during which I was in sheer hell dealing with everything internally, and that she was beginning to withdraw from OM. I told her that she has done absolutely nothing to show that she's serious about R, but instead done the opposite by continuing to lie to me. She countered by saying we were having good sex and some good talks and we were closer than we have been in years... It sounds absolutely ridiculous now that I've written that.

Anyhow, the weekend getaway was supposed to start today. It's obviously canceled. I'm going to send my list of conditions to my wife via email and then try not to engage her for the rest of the weekend.


Me: BH - mid-30s
Her: WW - mid-30s (EA & PA w/ coworker, ~5 months)
Married 11 years, together 14
D-days 6/20/2014 & 7/2/2014 (continued EA)

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest, USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is full of shit. She was beginning to withdraw from OM so much that she continued to lie to you. She the. Tried to manipulate you with sex into letting her off the hook for her behavior.
If demanding no contact and ending her affair is driving her away you need to help her on her way.
What she is doing is totally typical of WS that is caught again and tries to blame shift on her behavior. If she had not lied about the continued contact you would have not done what you did. She owns that and do not let her forget it
One of your conditions right at top of list has to be a marriage with two people in it, not three. Everything else comes after that.
Don't talk to her family
Your next stop is her HR Department at her work

[This message edited by Badhurt at 7:48 AM, July 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. Agree with Badhurt. She's full of shit and in your own writing you can see it. It's another play right out of the wayward playbook. She's blame shifting the consequences of her actions onto you. What choice did she give you really? She pissed that you are putting any sort of end to any possible contact she was hoping to have with her AP in the future.

I know it's hard and you feel like shit, but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Stay the course.

yop

eta - typo

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:03 AM, July 4th (Friday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says I'm just pushing her further away and that I've "gone off the deep end".
#1 If you have "gone off the deep end" wouldn't that be in response to the trauma of her betrayal? Guess she didn't consider that one.
#2 You...YOU are the one pushing HER away??? What-the-actual-f*ck??? It occurs to me a genuinely remorseful WS would be worried with how much they pushed their BS away with their cheating, but maybe I'm crazy. Nah. It's your WW that's cray-cray. Actually she's just gaslighting, minimizing and blameshifting.

Do not send her a letter with your requirements. If you tell anything it should be, in my opinion, that "Once you get your head out of your a** and actually look at me...Me...instead of looking 100% at you and acknowledge what you've done...then and only then will I talk to you about what needs to happen for me to consider R."

I'm sorry but the tone of your post when talking about your requirements for her still sounds like you're asking her for something. You're not asking her for anything. You're informing her that her choice has consequences to the M and if she wants to avoid that she has to do X, Y, Z. If she doesn't then you will made your decision based on that. You're not trying to win her back. You're not trying to convince her to stay. If you have to do that then she isn't in the right place emotionally or mentally to begin with.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3985 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says I'm just pushing her further away and that I've "gone off the deep end".
#1 If you have "gone off the deep end" wouldn't that be in response to the trauma of her betrayal? Guess she didn't consider that one.
#2 You...YOU are the one pushing HER away??? What-the-actual-f*ck??? It occurs to me a genuinely remorseful WS would be worried with how much they pushed their BS away with their cheating, but maybe I'm crazy. Nah. It's your WW that's cray-cray. Actually she's just gaslighting, minimizing and blameshifting.
Do not send her a letter with your requirements. If you tell anything it should be, in my opinion, that "Once you get your head out of your a** and actually look at me...Me...instead of looking 100% at you and acknowledge what you've done...then and only then will I talk to you about what needs to happen for me to consider R."

I'm sorry but the tone of your post when talking about your requirements for her still sounds like you're asking her for something. You're not asking her for anything. You're informing her that her choice has consequences to the M and if she wants to avoid that she has to do X, Y, Z. If she doesn't then you will made your decision based on that. You're not trying to win her back. You're not trying to convince her to stay. If you have to do that then she isn't in the right place emotionally or mentally to begin with.

Read the above from Brandon. You might just read that to her just the way he put it.
You have now had 2 D Days. She needs to understand she can be as pissed as she wants but there will not be 3 dDays.

Do not back pedal on ANYTHING or you will be right back where you started. Get to the attornay and give her the papers on Monday. Yes, that will piss her off even more. Too bad. Thats the cost of being a liar.
You cannot draw lines in the sand and let her cross them or you will not be taken seriously.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 8:21 AM, July 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says she'd be out on her ass if she quit her job and things didn't work out between us.

Maybe she should have thought of that before she started fucking some guy at work. She's covering her own ass here. If she was committed to R, on any level, she wouldn't even be worrying about an exit plan. True R is a LONG committed process. Just ask some of the folks that are doing it.

File on Monday. Divorce takes a LONG time as well. If she has a true epiphany, you can stop things at any given moment.

I wish I had filed when I realized he was TTing and lying. I wasn't strong enough. I was making decisions from a codependent position of fear, a place of fear of abandonment, and a desperate wish to save my marriage and my family. Not a good decision making place.

Fuck her.

Regarding OM's wife: probably could have handled that better, but excuse you for not knowing how to handle that situation exactly right. Kwim? If she contacts you again you *could* apologize for the manner in which you made her aware. NC with OM's wife at that point.

I guess the next time you have to let an OM's wife know that your wife is screwing her husband you'll do it differently. Right?

You gonna let there be a next time, PB?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
PBST2
♂ New Member
Member # 43948
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so angry and disappointed right now. The first words my wife spoke to me this morning were: "Could you please tell me the names of the two other people you sent the Facebook message to?". Unfuckingbelievable! With everything that's going on in our lives, her priority right now is damage control for OM's life! I expressed my utter disbelief to her, and she just didn't get it.

I had sent the list of conditions this morning before the above happened and before I had read the new posts here. Not surprisingly, she says she absolutely doesn't agree to them, and that she needs "space" right now. I told her she'd be getting plenty of that soon (I know, probably shouldn't have said that).

I feel like I need to get away from her right now, but she has gone out for a "run" and left me with the kids so she continue disparaging me to OM, her friend, and her mother and step-dad who are now clearly on her side. She still won't give up the phone to me, saying that I don't deserve to know anything she's doing right now based on the way I'm behaving.

Yes, I think she's making the choice very easy for me. I wish there were a way I could speed up the process. It will be at least Wed or Thurs before she can be served.


Me: BH - mid-30s
Her: WW - mid-30s (EA & PA w/ coworker, ~5 months)
Married 11 years, together 14
D-days 6/20/2014 & 7/2/2014 (continued EA)

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest, USA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very sorry PBST2. But she's clearly un remorseful. Can you imagine if you hadn't have done everything you have done so far? Weeks/months down the line you would have found everything with her affair as status quo. She's still actively in her affair now. She's not on run, she's talking to her AP. She's more concerned about her AP than she is about your family. That's all on her.

Going forward, no longer refer to him by name. Don't be derogatory either. Only refer to him as her "affair partner" with everyone because that's exactly what he is. Her affair partner.

Continue to let her see the consequences of her actions. Use the 180.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and that she was beginning to withdraw from OM. I told her that she has done absolutely nothing to show that she's serious about R, but instead done the opposite by continuing to lie to me. She countered by saying we were having good sex and some good talks and we were closer than we have been in years
Maybe in her world. Her world doesnt have the hurt, pain and shock that your world has and she doesnt seem very interested in your world at all.

That is her entire problem, she only sees and she only cares about her world.

She has not done anything but try to get you to rugsweep this entire thing and you have done the opposite.

She can blame you all she wants to, but the fact is, NONE of these things would have occurred if she did not have an affair.

And that is the bottom line truth. That is the real world.

There are consequences for a persons actions and she certainly doesn't want to see the consequences of her actions. Selfish and blinded by the affair.

No one, including your in-laws can ever understand the hell you are going through unless they have gone through it themselves.

Your wife should still read the book Not Just Friends, it would certainly point how just how selfish she has been and how she is the one who doesnt get it at all.


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Jun 2002
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forget the relatives!!!!

She is obviously more concerned about the OM than you, and she is absolutely proving that right now.
Do you have any idea what she has told OM, or whether or not his wife has taken any action.

i would not tell her shit about facebook. And I would now definitely up the ante and go Monday to her HR Department. She is fucked another man, and is telling you that you have no right to do anything but take it and like it.

She will probably go bang him again to spite you.
Give her the papers next week whenever you can get them.

And again, stop giving a shit about her relatives or whose side anyone is on. Their wives or husbands are not fucking anyone else.

Do not worry about her anger. It comes and it will go, and the more she sees she is not getting her way the angrier she will get. And if all of this has not stopped this affair, do you really think being Mr. Nice Guy would have produced a different result. What it would have produced is her continuing this affair and you being the devoted husband and true patsy.



Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanting space means wanting to continue the A, wanting to cake eat, wanting to okay the victim, wanting to fence sit. I'm sorry, but fuck that bitch. You are either committed to R or you are basically accepting D passively as a wayward. The 'space' line is time-tested wayward stuff and a sure sign that she wouldn't know remorse if it bit her in the ass. Protect yourself and move on. Know that you deserve better and don't even think about R until she's following through and willing to do anything and everything possible. It is a gift and has to be earned. In the meantime let her be a victim and blame shift all she wants. We know the truth.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Could you please tell me the names of the two other people you sent the Facebook message to?"
There is your answer. As unbelievable as it is. She just told where her loyalties are. She just told you with her words and actions. It hurts but she gave you a clear answer.
Now the best thing you can do is detach. You now know there is nothing to be gained from trying to talk to her. You cannot change her mind or get her to see the obvious because she is living by the narrative she has rewritten in her mind. She is sharing that story with her family and probably her friends. Some will buy it or pretend to buy it because they don't want to "offend" her or alienate her. Some won't. That isn't your problem any more.

Don't engage in further conversations about it. Don't discuss the D. Let your lawyer be your advocate and follow the strategy they lay out to protect you. Too many people become their own worst enemy in the D process and don't listen to their attorney. If you doubt that. If you think for one second that might be too "mean" of you just read the quote above again. She is working against.

I wished my own xww would come to her senses. It wouldn't have saved the M after the extent of her actions. It would have meant that in the long run her life wouldn't be a waste. That it could amount to something with integrity and value.
She didn't and that was her choice just as this is your WW's choice.
Leave her to her choices.
Pursue your own course for your life.
It will be tough.
It will be painful.
It will feel strange and uncertain at times.
However, it will feel authentic and honest because it is.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3985 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to let you know... She is about to get worse.

The more "change" you insert into her life the meaner and more abrasive she is going to become. You see, she likes things just like they were. She still wants you home with the kids while she sleeps with the OM. That's your job in her world. That is you function to fulfill in her life. That and the security you provide.

Once you file she is going to become as mean as hell. she is going to try and raise the stakes to get you to fold.

Once you don't fold, she is going to change tactics. She is going to start negotiating with you and giving you tidbits of what you want. She is going to be sugary sweet to you. (Once I laid down my hand mine kept trying to manipulate me with sex. It was disgusting)

If you stand your ground she might realize what happened and truly become remorseful. Once she tells the OM "I'm free we can be together" and he responds "uuhhhh, I'm married". Her tune will change.

Until that happens you are going to be portrayed as the bad guy. Your response to everyone should be " she cheated, I didn't".

It's your life too, congrats on having more courage than most of us.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 5:50 PM, July 4th (Friday)]


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
PBST2
♂ New Member
Member # 43948
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife claimed that it is "officially" over with OM (funny, that's what I asked of her over a week ago). I asked to see the conversation, and she told me she had deleted it! I just shook my head and told her how fucking ridiculous it was. I told her she still needs to send a NC message that I get to see, and she must show me any response. She didn't give me a firm answer on this, but it's one of the conditions I've set for attempting R.

We've been apart all day, which I think has been good. She started emailing me in the afternoon to tell me that she loves me and wants to reconcile. I held firm to my conditions, and I can see that she is starting to come around, but is far from where she needs to be. She still thinks this is a negotiation. She said she is willing to "talk about" the conditions. I told her that her word means shit to mean right now, and that she must demonstrate her commitment with actions or I'm moving on with my life. She then called me and told me she's willing to talk to me about the conditions and try to come to an agreement, but that she needs me to commit to addressing the problems in our marriage. I told her that of course I would do that once R is well under way, but first priority is to rebuild trust. She didn't seem to get it. The phone call ended on a sour note.

As she starts to cave a bit and accept the reality of the situation, it is becoming harder for me to stick by my conditions. I question whether I am being reasonable. But then I start thinking about what she did and the hell she is putting me through, and I think I am doing the right thing. I'm starting to feel the pressure as Monday approaches though. I will have to make a decision whether or not to sign those papers. How much do I really need to see from her before I change my mind? I'm struggling with that right now.


Me: BH - mid-30s
Her: WW - mid-30s (EA & PA w/ coworker, ~5 months)
Married 11 years, together 14
D-days 6/20/2014 & 7/2/2014 (continued EA)

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest, USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not negotiate with the devil. She doesn't like your minimum conditions. Too f'ing bad. She cheated and lied, not you.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay the course!! You are very well. She's still playing you though in not being transparent. That conversation most likely said let's cool this for a while until it blows over. She may also have been has mouthing you. Who knows, but the bottom line is it's bad enough she doesn't want you to see it or she would of have to delete it. Trust your gut. She's full of shit still and you know it. Tell her your going to buy an application that can restore texts and emails. See what her reaction is.
Also look into actually doing it. You may get more TT out of her.

Continue to file Mon.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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