Last night for only the 3rd time is almost 14 years, I took mine off. And wow the swirl of emotions. Was I giving up on the marriage? Is this a step toward D? I felt vulnerable, weak, like I was quitting, and unsecure.
Wow what projection! Now that things have settled in me overnight.
The rings is not a shield. The ring is not security. The ring is not what makes me married. The ring is just a piece of gold. A symbol. That's it. What a weird feeling. I strayed wearing the ring, it didn't stop anything. It is not a magical amulet. It possesses no power. All of those things have to come from within.
I will be my shield. I will be my security. I am married ring or no ring. It is my choices and my actions that make me what I am, not a piece of gold.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I am trying to feel more of the loss. Get a better understanding. Look at the consequences of my actions.
ETA: Funny thing, I had gained and lost a lot of weight during our marriage. and under where my ring was, is a band of scar tissue. It seems quite fitting at this point.
[This message edited by DrJekyll at 9:12 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
On, it reminds you. You strayed while wearing it; what it's supposed to symbolize; how it didn't stop anything.
Off, it reminds you. You no longer wear it. You have a scar, a mark, you know it used to be there. How you used to wear it. How when you did, it didn't stop anything.
I prefer mine on. It feels heavier there and I'm more aware of it. And if it's a symbol to my BW who can see I'm still wearing it then fine; she can know that I consider us not over until it's over.
If and when we're divorced, I'll take it off. Or, if she ever asks me to, or whatever. Like you said. Just a piece of gold. :)
My H never took his off either and, it makes me so sad that even with that very visual piece of jewelry he found so many partners that had no problem helping him destroy not only his life but, mine as well. I still don't wear mine as I know now that he didn't mean a word of what he said the day we married.
You are right. That ring doesn't make you married or not. What make you married is knowing in your heart that the one you chose is worth keeping the promises you freely made to them. You are worth keeping promises you make to yourself. I believe that going thru life with that one special person who makes us feel so special just makes the journey sweeter. That ring should be a visual reminder to yourself of those promises you made and, a signal to others that you are spoken for.
My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
[This message edited by DrJekyll at 9:49 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
I wear a ring, but not the ring my husband picked for me because that caused him too much pain. I bought a simple, and inexpensive, titanium band with a black center. A black band is traditionally a symbol of mourning. So for me, the new ring symbolizes the loss of potential for the marriage we once had, and it shows the world that I am still married.
Sometimes I think about getting "Taken" tattooed on my forehead. However it would be self limiting (job wise) so I think I'll skip it. And you are right DrJekyll I have to be the shield. I have to stand up for what it means.
It's a journey.
Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.
How symbolic of that scar tissue to be where it is. I admire your thought process. I love my rings but they're a constant bitter reminder of the vows I broke.
I will say that symbols are representation of feelings, ideas and thoughts. I took my rings off as well after dday. I felt they were a symbol of something that wasn't true. My taking them off was a way of communicating that, at that moment, my H had broken our vows and they no longer represented the things they did before dday.
When my H asked about his ring...I kind of said the same thing...do what you want. It was his choice to wear it or not, but honestly, I'm glad he chose to wear it. Again, none of that matters as long as you and your BS are on the same page. And it sounds like you are really making good progress.
I removed my rings because for me they symbolized promises made to me by him. When he broke those promises, he essentially broke the circle ( the ring). I needed a new and stronger one. One that was true and untainted.
I can honestly tell you I yelled at him to take his rings off. I told him he didn't deserve to wear them. It was almost like I wanted him to rip the last symbol of life for our marriage up. I just wanted him to finish it off. Maybe it would have made it easier for me to leave him if he had removed them.
But he didn't. And deep down, I was relieved for that. By him keeping them on, it gave me a sliver of hope that he was still holding on to me. That no matter what I said to him, no matter what some OW did with him, he couldn't finish us off so simply.
In the end, we didn't make it. It worked out for the best though. But I think what people here are trying to say is while your reasons are understandable and make so much sense...sometimes the betrayed will interpret them however they need to, to survive and move forward. And sometimes us betrayed need to see our wayward go to extremes and stay strong and true to something we want to throw away.
Now is the time for you to be strong...
I wish you both hope...
I'll never forget what my WH said when he noticed I wasn't wearing the rings. "You aren't going to wear that beautiful ring I bought you?" Mind you, he was still in contact with the AP of the LTA. I later found out that during this time period, she had suggested they "take a break." This was after she berated him for telling me everything. She was, you know, worried about her reputation. Laughable.
Another laughable thing about the rings in my situation is that since my WH's A was discovered, he has not taken off his ring. He lost and found and had to replace several rings during this 2.5 year A.You see, his AP did not want him to wear his wedding ring in front of her because she said it was disrespectful to her. LOL.
It feels impulsive of you to have taken them off just because she did. And lack of impulse control is what got you in this whole mess in the first place.
It could be a test, or a punishment, or both. But wouldn't it be great for a change not to fail on her. Didn't you fail bad enough already. Just choose to be all in on the marriage, the rings, the cheesy love notes, the yummy dinners, affection. They won't work right away, but over time she will see you working on the marriage. Do not fail again, no matter what tests you get.
My H took his off for 2 years after my PA, he was hurt and felt like punishing me and it did hurt me but I kept mine on. You could not help but read, super married in everything I did. He has them back on so now we both wear them and we make jokes like they have special powers that keep us together, just the other night, I was talking about how I was never leaving and he said you can't because then he would put his ring against mine and they would lock together and I would be finger handcuffed to him. You had to be there to appreciate the joke, trust me it was funny. WE were laughing anyways, and it was nice to laugh together after all we've put each other through
2002/3 (him) EA
I wouldn't take the ring off without asking the BS. And I am pretty sure I would never ask the BS - it reaks of giving up.
Even if she says it's okay for you not to wear it, I would personally feel like it speaks louder and symbolizes more to keep it on.