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User Topic: Facebook - what would you do?
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suppose I could ask him to let me see it and see what his reaction would be.

Very good plan. Reaction tells you a lot. But really, you need to get it when you can spend some time searching it well.

I agree with the prior poster that says occasionally looking up exes or attractive women isn't a red flag to me, however the obsessive quality to his searching is whats unusual and disturbing. Plus like you said he is talking about her.

Once this is out in the open (and I definitely think you should confront him but not until you have adequately searched his devices and phone history), he needs to go "cold turkey" with this woman. Meaning no more searching (deactivate his FB if necessary), no more having her over. In fact, you may have to put your friendship with her on hold for a bit too.

Just make sure when you do confront, you ask and then LISTEN to his response and explanation and watch his demeanor. Don't suggest reasons or explanations which he can agree too. Make him give you his thought process and reasons for doing this.


Posts: 416 | Registered: Feb 2014
needhelp19
♀ New Member
Member # 43958
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I checked his phone records and email account - I was able to guess the password and log on. I was only able to see this month's phone activity. I didn't see anything suspect. I think what I am going to do is wait until I can access the tablet and make sure there is nothing incriminating on there that he can delete before I confront him. One thing I will definitely ask for him to do when I confront him is to deactivate facebook. It's nothing but trouble in my opinion.

The sad part about all this is I will have to break it off with my friend at least for a little while because I don't know how I will be able to look her in the face and not give away what I'm feeling.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2014
needhelp19
♀ New Member
Member # 43958
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've never really discussed passwords and all of our accounts are separate. I've never had any reason to question him before. I don't think he knows any of my stuff either, not that I have anything to hide, we've just never discussed it. As I type this out, it's almost like I can see the issues popping up that I haven't seen before, mainly it seems like we don't have very good communication. Also, it seems I don't know my husband as well as I thought I did.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2014
Ambergray
♀ Member
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he never leaves the tablet unattended, I would search it while he is in the shower.

I just found out about the Facebook search feature and found out my FWH was searching ow and others during his A. That was two years ago. I am sure if I had confronted him then he would have denied anything wrong. And 2 years ago I would have believed him. I thought he would never in a million years cheat. No one would believe it if I told them.

I'm not trying to discourage you, but I do think you are here for a reason and you are right to be questioning.


Me-38
WH-38
Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson


Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2013
needhelp19
♀ New Member
Member # 43958
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been taking baths lately and bringing the tablet with him. Typing it out I know how bad it sounds. Why didn't I question this sooner? I'm going to do everything in my power to get it from him. I keep going further and further into his history and he searches the same girls repeatedly, and what's really upsetting is these girls are the exact opposite of me- blonde, huge boobs, fitness models. If that's what he is attracted to then why did he marry me? I also found in his old facebook messages that he used to hang out with one of the girls he is currently searching frequently, back in 2005, so he definitely knows her even though they are no longer FB friends.

I deleted my friend from his facebook. Wonder how long it will take him to say something to me.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2014
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why didn't I question this sooner?

Your gut knows you have red flags out the wazoo....but your heart just wasn't ready to face it.

I think if you go back and re-read what you typed to us and pretended you were listening to a friend, you will see even more. (sorry).

Given the flags, I would not confront. I confronted too soon with what I thought was mega proof and he just lied-lied-lied. Of course, we WANT to believe them so it is very difficult.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2137 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
needhelp19
♀ New Member
Member # 43958
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So since I've removed her from his FB (and deactivated my own account) he's called me twice from work to see what I'm up to and ask if everything is okay. He says my tone is off. I know when he gets out of work he's going to be questioning it more and I'm not going to be able to act like nothing is wrong. The next time he asks if everything is okay, I'm thinking of saying "No it's actually not, is there anything you want to come clean about?" and push that angle first to see what info I can get from him. Then I will ask for full access to his devices and request that he deactivate his facebook. I'm also going to recommend marriage counseling as I believe we have some communication issues. I am also scheduling an IC appointment for myself.

I forgot to add earlier, he is also searching for photographer's pages that have taken pics of her, and a fitness page that she belongs to. So he is very actively searching her out. This is beyond acceptable to me. I'm not going to be in a marriage where I have to worry about my husband obsessing over my friend.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2014
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone know if there is a way to re-activate an email account once it has been deleted?

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops Facebook?

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
needhelp19
♀ New Member
Member # 43958
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you just log in to facebook like normal and it will ask you if you want to reactivate it.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2014
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH deleted his before I could look at it. Do you have to have the password too?

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he has already figured out he isn't her friend on Facebook anymore. He is either calling you to find out what you know..or how much you know.

I really think you need to investigate this some more before you confront. If you confront with "this" now..then "this" is all he will admit to.

Tell him you're tired..have a headache. Anything but the truth..because if you tell him what you have found, he will never admit to anything else..and he will just be sneakier about it. He will still look at their pics, he will just delete it off his facebook activity log.

I am sorry..but I think there is way more going on here than "just" looking at pics. And if you confront to soon, he will gaslight you and it will be a long time before you find the truth.

Put a keylogger on his computer and a VAR in his car.

And NEVER reveal your sources.

ETA: Yes, you can reactivate a facebook account..you will need the password. If you are in R, sit your WH down in front of the computer, go to facebook, and tell him to reactivate his account. He deleted it to hide evidence.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:38 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7499 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
needhelp19
♀ New Member
Member # 43958
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes you need the password and the email address used to create it. You might be able to request a password reset though.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2014
needhelp19
♀ New Member
Member # 43958
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Confused I know a few people are saying to hold off on confronting. I guess I'm almost scared how deep this goes. And what is my breaking point?

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2014
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly this sounds less like cheating and more like obsession/stalking . . which is awful in a different way. I'm so sorry.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6776 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also look for a hidden phone. If he knows how good you were at finding evidence with your last wayward he could be hiding other stuff. If he had a secret phone you couldn't trace his calls.

I think waiting to reveal what you know is the best course at this time, as hard as it is. If you ask for his iPad he is likely to get angry at you for not trusting, create a huge drama filled moment and take his iPad and leave - then delete everything he can think of. Meanwhile you will be feeling guilty for not trusting him.

I do not believe for one minute that it is anything lacking in you or in your Marriage. This is all on him. He may be obsessive compulsive. He may be SA. He may be addicted to porn. Who knows. Whatever it is, it is something that you are right to take seriously.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6114 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
OneBrokenGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely too many red flags. I would have bet my husband would not ever cheat on me a year ago. I was dead wrong.

If he has an iPhone I'd be checking his location history. It will give you all the physical locations he has been over the past month or so and how many times he was there.


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years

Best quote ever...
The only thing I can say, is that cheaters have downgraded the value of the person they cheat on. But if we all take a step back, we can say "no" to the downgrade that was


Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
OneBrokenGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is a link to a post I wrote today for those that just found out. It may be helpful for you.


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535081


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years

Best quote ever...
The only thing I can say, is that cheaters have downgraded the value of the person they cheat on. But if we all take a step back, we can say "no" to the downgrade that was


Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's not too late, print out the search history,, but DO NOT SHOW IT TO HIM!! Hide it.

All you have to say is I know something...
and it doesn't matter how I know.

Please let us know how it went. Whatever he tells you, act like you believe him, then go back into detective mode.

There is something called snap chat that they can be talking and as soon as it ends, it's deleted...


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2149 | Registered: Jan 2012
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coming from a WS perspective

This is your RED FLAG! Now is the time to communicate with your husband, to get him to open up about what's going on inside of him.

I totally agree with climbtheladder

He's been studying for a work certification and he's been really busy at work so there's been a huge disconnect.

You are making excuses for him. My wife did this for me too, and we ramained disconnected for a couple years until I strayed.

As a side note, he's not doing this on his work computer, he has a tablet that he brings with him to work. And everywhere else for that matter, including the bathroom.

I did this with smartphone or laptop too. Again before and during, my As

I am not saying he is cheating, but it sounds like he is creating a secret life and obsessions. And that can lead on to cheating. I think MC may help greatly. Because at minimum there is a disconnect. And I wish I had gone into MC 6 years ago when we had our disconnect.

Good luck


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 54
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