How much should I know about what went on between them? Seems foolish to drag details out, but maybe it would stop some of the mind movies. I often wake up at 5am haunted with questions that set adrenaline running through my blood, and there goes my good night's sleep. Furthermore, how can I forgive her for things I don't know about? Should I even bother with forgiveness? Seems like forgiveness would make my life easier, too.
Love. I'm still in love with her, I suppose. Hard to tell though, a bit numb. What do I do with those feelings once the numbness has passes? Luckily, I'm able to leave town, move away, so she won't be able to try to recover the relationship. But that also means I'm going to be lonely in a new place without friends, thinking about what I lost...
Reading from this forum, and others like it, has given me solace for the past few days. Thanks for sharing, people.
I too was cheated on by fiance. With 5 of my friends.
It was a long time ago.
You pulled the plug.
So say good bye and move on. Anything she could tell you only hurts you.
She is broken.
Go find someone who is whole and wants to be loved only by you.
Make a clean break, go strict NC, get IC for you, work out, take time for yourself, and you will pass through the pain into a much better place. I really resisted moving on for a while, and tried to reconcile (I didn't know the full truth or have the backstory you do), but once I worked on letting go the healing really did begin. Allow yourself to feel everything that comes up an to mourn the loss, but take it as an opportunity to start over and rebuild. Once you move and feel ready, you can try local meetup groups in your new area, or finally focus on a hobby or skill you've been interested in acquiring. It is hard to see something so painful a an opportunity but you would have suffered so much staying with this woman; now you have a chance at something so much better.
Then take care of yourself. Find the things that you enjoy in life and make yourself happy. You don't need her to do that for you. Then when you least expect it, another relationship will blossom. Heal yourself first and get as much distance as you can. You are in the grieving process. Very sorry for your loss. It does get better.
If you pulled the plug on the relationship jut move on and do not ask her about the cheating.
Get away from her and don't look back. You will only be hurt more.
The pain will not be worth it if you are not trying to reconcile.
If she is a serial cheater you probably don't want to try to reconcile anyway.
You did the right thing pulling the plug. Now move on.
The odds of her saying something to hurt you exceed,the odds,of her being self-reflective and honest. You seem to be expecting the latter. Ain't gonna happen since in her world everything she does is necessary and perfect and not her fault.
The fact that you share mutual,friends is meaningless. You're better of simply ignoring her than worrying about how many times she slept with Mr. X or Y or Z and whether she's telling you he truth about it.
Friends ask what happened? Tell them she chose to be with others and you chose not to be in a multi person relationship, so you called off the engagement and hope she finds her happiness elsewhere. (This is a very polite way of saying " fuck that cheating bitch).
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 11:34 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
I am almost six months out from my second DDay and I have let go of the anger and hate almost entirely. I am not sure I would go so far as forgiving what was done to me, but I pity the brokenness that led to it and I am grateful that I have learned from the experience. I do not think I ever 'need' to fully forgive but I feel good to have come to a place where it is possible to release the bad feelings. Let that happen with time and for yourself alone.
I do personally believe that your fastest path to recovery is to have minimal, if any, contact with your wayward partner. No new contact = No new hurts.
And I am not recommending that you go bury your head in the sand, and wait for things to get better. You should definitely be proactive in your recovery(reading books, staying very involved here on SI, etc). Like it or not, personal recovery takes time and effort from yourself. You may not wish to do such, but it will be well worth it in the future.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
On the finding out more about the extent of the most recent affair, your curiosity will dissipate in time. Nothing she tells you will be helpful for a multitude of reasons.
You should be thankful that you have caught her again and have gotten out of this mess before you got married and it became more complicated.
She is a serial cheater and everytime you get weak or have bad thoughts, think about how it would be to be married and everytime you leave the house of she is not around you that you are wondering what she is doing behind your back.
Not a great way to live your life.
Even though it may not feel like it, you've been given a gift. The gift of sight.
Someone up there was looking out for you and got you out of this mess BEFORE you married her and had kids and financial entanglements and all the other trappings of marriage that make it so hard to just leave.
I think deep down, you realize what a gift this really was.
Stay strong. You're doing very well.