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User Topic: OW still stalking and emailing
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

change your email addresses, change your phone numbers, you can block her email so that none of these messages reach you but if she keeps making new 'friends' to contact you then she'll find ways around that - you need to change your contact info so she has no 'in'. Ignoring her is one thing, but it doesn't help you not be re-wounded from her attacks. Ask your lawyer about sending her a "please stop contacting us or we will file harassment" note (because while a restraining order isn't easy to get, you can file harassment charges in many places after 2 requested 'stop' messages - I was told to say 'please stop', if they reply say it again and if they reply still then contact the police, but I'm sure it's different in some places).

Yes, your H may have led her to believe whatever she wanted to hear to get what he was after during the A. Mine told trashy gross women who he had no interest in that he loved them, because that's what they were looking for and if he wanted to get his needs met he had to meet theirs too. He may have told her those things, but two years later she has obviously not figured out that he played her still. You can't change her or how she deals with it, you need to remove yourselves from contact. We started over with new phones and emails, it can be done and it's refreshing!


Posts: 514 | Registered: Mar 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sunvalley:

Thank you for your reply. Just your simple acknowledgment of my plight makes me feel supported.

Here are the problems that I am trying to find a work around for.

My work email is online. It's company policy. I also have to be contactable via work phone for clients. There is no way around it accept to quit.

The problem is I need my job now, more than ever.

All other numbers and emails have been changed.

We have spent a small fortune on attorney fees.

The problem is, that in order to claim harassment, the call, email or text, has to come from the same person at least twice.

The OW is clever and has different people contact us from differing phones or anonymous provider emails, Perhaps burn phones. Who knows.

Still, it is only repeated contact that makes it harassment.

If the call comes from a different person at a differing email or phone, who is only expressing their opinion that I should let him go, there is nothing I can do legally.

I tape all of the calls.

The attorney did send the OW a letter, but he is afraid that now that her husband has filed for divorce, that if he sends another, she may become violent toward me because she sees me as competition for someone she wants.

The attorney's thought is based on the fact that he considers her either an erotic staler or a jilted stalker, and as a former DA he knows the patterns of stalker who fit those profiles and one known pattern is to escalate into violence.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1106 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Seethelight))) A couple of the comments others have made make a lot of sense here.

First of all, she is full of shit and I wouldn't listen to anything she says. Your H may have said some things that he would not be proud of now. Like you said, that is part of the crap that comes with an A. But I believe that he wants nothing to do with her now and that he is committed to you.

Also, are you sure it is not her sending you these e-mails? My H's AP has not given up either - not even close. And they can stoop pretty low.....


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 397 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needsfriends.

Thank you for your comments.

I agree, too. I do suspect it is the OW calling. The voice does not sound like hers. But some suggested she may be using a voice changer.

Sigh. I wish she would just go away.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1106 | Registered: May 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not a 2X4. You have received some good advice on dealing with the bunny broiler.


He is not doing all he should be doing.

He certainly is not doing what the wayward spouses here who are remorseful suggest that a wayward do.

He will not even listen to the MC or IC.

When they question this about him, he says he is stubborn.

^^^Above is the forest and the OW is playing the part of the trees right now. Yes you do need to chop this group of tress down but eventually you will need to get out of the forest. If and when she goes away the fact that your WH is not owning his shit needs to be addressed. If they never fix themselves they remain broken. Broken people never develop effective coping skills and when stressed again resort to old broken coping mechanisms. Even if he isn't cheating right now he is a dry adulterer. If he doesn't address his issues then he is a walking Dday bomb that may go off next week, 10 years from now or never again. Until he truly resolves his issues, he is still ticking. Honestly if having a stalker/bunny broiler and seeing the stress it's putting you through isn't enough to get him to own his shit I don't know what will. I wish you the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you collecting the ip address of the emails? The emails are probably all from her. If they are, there will be duplicate IP addresses which would give you what you need to file harassment charges.

If not, I would respond simply with "My husband, nor any grown man, would be interested in anyone that is a part of a group of women that act like 5th graders, sending stupid emails to someone on behalf of someone else. Why don't you get back to your video games and stuffing your bras and leave us alone."


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they never fix themselves they remain broken. Broken people never develop effective coping skills and when stressed again resort to old broken coping mechanisms.

Even if he isn't cheating right now he is a dry adulterer. If he doesn't address his issues then he is a walking Dday bomb that may go off next week, 10 years from now or never again. Until he truly resolves his issues, he is still ticking. Honestly if having a stalker/bunny broiler and seeing the stress it's putting you through isn't enough to get him to own his shit I don't know what will. I wish you the best.

I agree with all you have said. I feel that way, too.

I already have my ducks in a row for divorce, when the children are a little older.

Right now. It's in my children's best interest and mine to stay put, and that is my main concern.

I am not the slightest bit interested in dating or remarrying at this point. So staying put is easy for me and actually keeps me more centered.

We live like roommates, now. No more hysterical bonding. I am not interested at all.

I know he is not seeing her still, due to a detective fund, that I use, as suggested by shirley glass in her book not just friends.

Neither one of us though can control the bunny boiler's behavior.

He brought her into our lives, though, and that makes me sad.

I really wish there were a legal way to slap her down.

Hopefully she will drop the ball, and I can go after her legally.

I am open to suggestions from others who have found none-legal ways to get rid of the Ow because right now there seems to be no real legal recourse.

So, if anyone has any solutions, please chime in.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1106 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.
.. I would respond simply with "My husband, nor any grown man, would be interested in anyone that is a part of a group of women that act like 5th graders, sending stupid emails to someone on behalf of someone else. Why don't you get back to your video games and stuffing your bras and leave us alone.
"

I think I am going to try that, because ignoring her as the attorney suggests is not working, now that her husband has filed for divorce.

Are you collecting the ip address of the emails? The emails are probably all from her. If they are, there will be duplicate IP addresses which would give you what you need to file harassment charges.

Yes. Alas, they have been coming from an offshore anonymous remailer.

Even if they could be traced they are out of U.S. jurisidiction.

[This message edited by seethelight at 11:03 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1106 | Registered: May 2014
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now that her husband has filed for divorce.

Also reply with "All of these emails are being forwarded to your husband, the one that dumped your cheating ass, so that his attorney will have enough evidence against you to keep you from getting anything of value in your settlement. I hope you enjoy nothing - because it's what you're going to end up with."


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also reply with "All of these emails are being forwarded to your husband, the one that dumped your cheating ass, so that his attorney will have enough evidence against you to keep you from getting anything of value in your settlement. I hope you enjoy nothing - because it's what you're going to end up with."

Excellent Idea.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1106 | Registered: May 2014
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not send that if you think she will become violent. If your attorney thinks she will become violent and your husband does too, why poke the beast?

IGNORE her.


Posts: 769 | Registered: Sep 2010
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenblackbird:

I have ignored her.

The result:

Her calls from different people and burn phones are escalating. Her emails supposedly from others on her behalf are escalating to my work email.

I am already concerned that she will become violent because of this behavior.

Particularly now that her husband has filed for divorce.

In some of the emails I found early on, it was clear that she was very competitive with the wives.

My IC says she seems to be a spousified woman who goes after men that are older because she wants to be treated the way daddy treated her.

Most spousified women, actually hate their mothers because the father's complain about their wife to the spousified daughter and the daughter sees the mother as the root of all daddy's problems.

The spousified daughters never stop to think that maybe daddy is causing the problems he is complaining about.

Spousified OWs often see the wife of the AP as a competitior and in the way because that is how they see their mothers.

We have installed camera's all around the property and I have a camera with a 360 lens in the car.

She has already been warned by the attorney and the police to stay away from me and my entire family.

If she breaks that no contact request I do have legal recourse. I have documented everything.

Until then, she is getting worse and worse with calls and emails becoming more and more frequent.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1106 | Registered: May 2014
WaryOptimist
♀ Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, this might be useless, or too naive but here's my suggestion:

Your WH brought this nightmare into your lives, he he has to step up to make it go away. You're dealing with the majority of the fallout, and he has to fix that.

Have your WH call her in your presence and very bluntly and forcefully tell her to cease and desist. She's delusional, he wants none of it, she is to leave you, his wife, and your entire family ALONE. He can say this is being recorded, and any further contact, be it directly from her or from "her friends" will immediately result in legal action.


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 649 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will tell you what worked of me. OW tried for months to get FWH's attention, going so far as to call my DD's cell phone and also telling my FWH in e-mails that DD was leaving messages on OW's cell phone (DD does not know OW). She pretended to be sending messages to other people, sending them to my FWH "by mistake". FWH ignored everything. Finally I got tired of it and sent her a message. In the message, I basically laughed in her face, making fun of all of the histrionics (I told her she should do something useful with it, like write a romance novel). I was also able to call her on some lies she told. I made sure that I sounded happy and confident--and I made her sound crazy (which wasn't too hard to do, since she was crazy). I suggested that she get help for her problems. I told her my FWH had read every word of my message and agreed 100% with it. Then, I got him to address the envelope, so she would know that he had been involved.

We never heard from her again. I think in my case she still believed that FWH wanted her, but I was standing in the way, that he was only staying with me for the kids, or whatever. The fact that I was laughing at her behavior and not crumpled up on the floor in pain made her see that the jig was really up. She was trying to hurt me and I convinced her that she was not succeeding. So *poof* gone!

Good luck to you. Having the OW continue to try to contact really sets you back, I know.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1297 | Registered: Aug 2010
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are going through this on top of everything else.
The OW in our last mess was a different kind of bunny boiler but what helped our case was our local police, having been called because of her destructive behaviors towards us, asked us both clearly "Are you definitely sure you never want contact with her again?" To which we both responded that yes, we were sure. The officer asked again, particularly my H and he assured her that he wanted no further contact. Then, the officer called the OW directly and told her to have no further contact with us and that any contact would be grounds for legal trouble.
That was the end although for a long time, I could just feel her presence. She was spotted a few times walking down our street but never came on our property that I know of.
She has serious mental health issues so I am always nervous that she will start up again but so far, so good.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

waryoptimist & Hopingforhappy:

Thank you for the suggestions. I will implement them. I think a personal no contact letter form my wayward may work better than one from an attorney.

I do think that she thinks she has a chance with FWH, and I am in her way.


Beautifulempty.

Thank goodness your stalker is calming down.

In our situation the police have called her and we have sent her a no contact letter through the attorney.

It kept her at bay for a long time, but now that her husband has filed for divorce, I think she's desperate.

This wayward is a serial cheater and has been dropped by every affair partner she has. She has stalked them and their wives or girlfriends, too.

She put herself out as only wanting an affair, but I really think she is looking for a new spouse.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1106 | Registered: May 2014
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