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User Topic: rings?
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ring was a symbol of commitment and fidelity. I remember going out with friends and guys would hit on me. I would hold up my left hand and smile. It was clear I was married and not interested. I used to look at my rings and his and remember us looking and picking them out. I thought the symbolized our perfect fit. I wore my all the time except the end of my pregnancies and it bothered me not to.
They are now meaningless to me and worn for show. I actually cringe when I look at his.

I told FWH if I am able to forgive I want to have them melted and remade as a way to symbolize that its the same ring but different. Just like our relationship. I don't know if I'll make it there but I'm hoping. :)

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ New Member
Member # 43849
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post just made me think about my rings. For the first 11 years of our M I never took off my rings. The last 5 years I barely ever put them on. I thought of my rings as a symbol of our love, commitment, and infinite life together. Its interesting to me that I subconcously took off my rings at the same time he started cheating.

Today he wants to R and I do find it offensive if he removes his ring however I do not wear mine. Perhaps because now they represent commitment in my eyes. I do think I will need new rings, new vows, and a new start in order to wear wedding rings regularly again as my old ones are tainted with shame, pain, and decet.

I think the discusssion of rings is a good one for the beginning of any new relationship - perhaps I forgot to ask my WH all those years ago what the meaning was to him since he could so easily wear his ring as he was fishing for others.

Anything or anybody that does not bring you alive is too small for you -david whyte

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: kima
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the time I was extremely proud to wear my ring. I'm not much of a jewelry guy but I loved the symbol of commitment I had towards someone. I don't wear it now because of two reasons, 1. Work 2. I feel its all fake now, if I'm wearing it, I'm lying.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My rings were very special to me. They represented the commitment I had made to another.
I remember when he proposed and gave me my engagement ring. He stated that the jeweler said we could bring it back in future years and trade it in for a larger one. My immediate response was why would I do that? I want the exact ring you picked out for me.
When he put my wedding band on I knew I was never taking it off. We had to elope due to Desert Storm interrupting our wedding plans, so when we had the wedding 9 months later, I did not remove it for the ceremony. In my mind there was something very special in my decision to not remove what he had placed on my finger with his vows to me.
In 22 yrs, my band only left my hand for a two hour surgery. I requested to cover it with tape, but they would not allow me to keep it on.
On Dday I removed my rings. There was an indent in my finger and one side of my band is not rounded at the edge from years of the engagement ring rubbing against it.
They are back on my hand, but without any meaning. Another causality of his betrayal. I would like to reclaim some special meaning by using the diamond of the engagement ring as the center of a family ring. To me it would signify that our marriage did create one awesome family and his actions cannot change that.
I have not followed through with my plan as he states that would hurt him. I know his hurt does not even compare to my pain, but I have no intention of purposely causing him pain as he chose to do to me. Maybe one day he will want the ring to have meaning for me again and will give his blessing or maybe he won't.

Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Member
Member # 43280
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling with this too. I was so proud to be his wife. I wore my wedding ring everywhere. I'm still wearing it because I'm trying to R.

My WH wore his ring while having sex with OW. After a while she got jealous about it and asked him to not wear his ring around her. Then he would just leave it in the car whenever he was with her. It's all just so disgusting. I guess it meant nothing to him either way.

[This message edited by Tammy1 at 11:09 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

BW: 40 (me)
WH: 42 (him)
Married 18 years
3 kids
D-Day: 4/7/14, 9 month LTA
Together- trying to R

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neither of my parents have worn any jewelry for as long as I can remember, so I was never brought up with the idea of a wedding ring being a major symbol of commitment.

But peers and cultural messages about the almighty ring become more important when you're a young adult, and I wore an engagement ring (cubic zirconia!) in a previous relationship mostly to show off!

WH and I didn't give it any discussion and I think we both assumed we'd wear wedding bands. We picked some out before the wedding and several months later WH surprised me with a non-traditional solitaire to go with my band.

For years this was the only jewelry I wore on a daily basis.

Now in my current peer group/area where I live virtually every married woman wears at least one ring, and most wear an engagement & wedding ring combo even if they're washing dishes or out on a 10 mile run. I'd stand out if I didn't wear mine.

When shortly after d-day I confided to my boss that I was dealing with a personal problem outside of work, the first thing he did was look at my ring finger.

So I wear my rings mostly because I don't want to invite any speculation or gossip about my marriage.

I still get compliments on my unconventional solitaire. It stings a little. I want to say "Thanks, but it means nothing."

Except for one Memorial Day trip to "Atlantic City" with "friends" during which he "forgot his ring", WH apparently wore his ring the entire time of the A. In fact, after OW stopped wearing her own (paid for by her daddy!) $20k wedding/engagment rings she bought her own ring to wear while she was out with my WH.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
♀ New Member
Member # 43864
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it different for men / women or WS / BS?

This is an interesting question. As a BW, I'm on the fence about my rings. My wedding ring is a plain band that was WH's grandmother's ring. Grandparents were married 67 years, and I loved the meaning of that. After WH's ONSs years ago, I told him I didn't want to wear it anymore, and haven't. Gave son original diamond to have reset when he became engaged. I occasionally wear a band with some small rubies WH gave me when things were really good.
WH quit wearing his ring when he had to have another ring cut off due to hands swelling in an allergic reaction. Wearing, not wearing his ring made no difference in whether or not he cheated. Durning his ONSs he was wearing it on his hand while touching the ho's. And in 2013, he wasn't wearing it. Obviously it has zero meaning for him.
I think I just answered my own self. Zero meaning for him...why should mine have meaning?

Married nearly 39 yrs
Me: 61 yrs old, always faithful
WS: 64 yrs old, 2 ONS 1978, EA (he says) I 2013

DDays: 12/11/13, 12/18/13, 12/27/13 (he's big on TT)
Also discovered he cheats with 2 women while we were engaged, 40 years after the fact.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: SC
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One day, a few weeks after I found out about the A & thought we were in R, I was getting ready to go out with a friend. I decided to put my ring back on. At that point I didnít think it was as much about his commitment to me as it was about my commitment to him.

Shortly before I had to leave, I got the ďI have to work lateĒ phone call that just didnít sit right with me. So I went to see him at work before going out. And what did I find? He was at work, but in his truck was a bag with his nicest clothes in it. Yep, he had them in there so he would look nice for her.

Now it sucks, on the occasions when I actually want to wear my ring, I have a flashback to that day along with the resentment that WH broke his vows.

The thing is when we were first married I always wore my ring. I saw it as a symbol of our love and commitment to each other.

He never did because there was a possible danger of getting his hand caught in a machine at work. It bothered that he refused to wear it when he wasnít at work. Telling me ďIím not a jewelry guyĒ I always saw it as a lack of commitment. Guess I was right.

Now when I wear it, I tell myself itís just a way to show the world I married. But in reality, itís my desire to have back what I once thought we had.

D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 328 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 28
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