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User Topic: 180 engaged!
HighlandPaddy
♂ Member
Member # 43930
Revenge  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Starting to pull away. Stand up straight. Staying aloof. You all know the drill.

Well my wife keeps texting me. Asking if Im ok, chekcing in...she's trying to be nice. FYI, today is also the 2nd anniversary of my fathers untimely passing, so its a particularly difficult day to decide to start being strong and independant, but what the hell!

So she asks me how am I doing. What I want to say is "HOW THE F**K DO YOU THINK I'M DOING??" but I'm holding back and telling her that I'm great. And now she is angry texting because I'm holding back and not being open and truthful about my feelings.

And she is right. I am holding back and not being truthful with my feelings. I might be wrong, but right now I am ok with that.


So live your life that fear of death can never enter your heart.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: NY
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, when she gets home tonight and presses you more, you need to tell her you are NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT anymore.

And then ask her if she talked to her boyfriend today, and tell her if she did you are filing for divorce.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. Rely on the support of other friends and family and of course SI when you start to feel weak.

Also you don't really need to be responding to her texts at all right now if they are not about logistics. I know how hard it is to cut off the urge to be loving and responsive, but she hasn't yet proved she deserves the loving and responsive you.

Keep hanging in there, and I'm sorry for the loss of your father.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job, HP. I'm sorry to hear about your father. Sending strength on that.

As for the 180, remember that it's not about winning a power struggle so much as actually letting go. That's when you get your real power back.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18350 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats. You are doing the right thing and finding out that she hates the loss of control she's feeling. If, like Rhett Butler at the end of that movie, you frankly don't give a damn, she hardly knows what to do.

Heard the term "crickets" here? It doesn't refer to the Empire's version of baseball. It refers to silence in response to inquiries from her. She cannot argue with the crickets chirping outside on a summer night. She cannot argue with your silence.

Don't engage her in discussions about how you feel. She quit worrying about how you feel when she started screwing OM. She's not interested in how you feel, but rather in whether you feel bad, sad, groveling, etc., that she WANTS you to be feeling. That makes her happy because she's still in control. Just act happy and unconcerned. Talk kids only, and financial issues. Nothing else matters. Let OM listen to her complaints. Wonder how long that would last.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey man, some of us fell off that horse so many times. You should see the bruises!

But sounds like your studying is going to pay off.

I wish I could help you think of responses to her right now.. Nora's right that you should basically ignore her right now except for logistics, but you don't have to be rude about it.

I think just a lot of, "Whatever, I don't want to talk right now, please respect my space," type stuff would be good. As calm as possible.

Trying to set an unremorseful wayward straight is like the MOST frustrating thing ever. A lot of breaking the 180 is pointing out the obvious to them or telling them they are wrong. Sometimes they accuse us of stuff, just to get us talking and defending ourselves. Just remember that she gets to think whatever she wants (and unfortunately say whatever she wants about you to other people), but the correct answer to false accusations is:


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2698 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As YOU pull away, and become more concerned about yourself and your wellbeing be prepared to see a variety of extreme responses.

Some will be of overwhelming love and affection, and others will be filled with rage. It suddenly becomes very clear the cycle of abuse one is stuck in without even knowing it, when they engage the 180.

While this is great advice:

Well, when she gets home tonight and presses you more, you need to tell her you are NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT anymore.
And then ask her if she talked to her boyfriend today, and tell her if she did you are filing for divorce

I have to caution you to NOT do it, unless you are 100% sure you will follow through. At this point your words mean nothing to her, and she has zero respect for your actions. If you make a threat as serious as that, you have to follow through, otherwise, you will have less than zero credibility with her.

180 is hard, but remember it's about you. Focusing on yourself, getting yourself strong again, finding your wholeness within, and being happy with the super person you are. Once you do that, look out world.

You will trip, you will stumble. But pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go right back to it.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
HighlandPaddy
♂ Member
Member # 43930
Flame  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She got me...called from her work number, and I did not recognize it

But she avoided the elephant in the room (her affair) focused on asking about how I was dealing and how my mother was doing. Spoke about her job and how much work she had to do. I did my best to say as little as possible and didnt get dragged in too bad.
I almost lost it when she said how she was looking forward to the long weekend and was hoping to reconnect because she feels like I am slipping away

I almost unleashed hell...but I had this site open as I was on the phone and just kept cool and let is slide off my back.

This is going to be a rough weekend.


So live your life that fear of death can never enter your heart.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: NY
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember that when she tries to keep the status quo with you, she is trying to cake-eat.

It is so so hard. Be strong and also be easy on yourself. No one does this perfectly. It's a horrible hand to be dealt. But you can't keep playing it as you have before--you ca only gain by trying a new approach.

Can you plan something just for you for the weekend? Or for you and your son alone?

I would look up some info on hoovering too. It sounds likely you'll get a first-class attempt from her.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
HighlandPaddy
♂ Member
Member # 43930
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read up on borderline and histrionin PD and all about hoovering just this morning...and Im in awe. My wife fit the bill almost perfectly for BPD and HPD. I'm amazed...and of course I see my own co-dependance and weakness towards her.

THe hoover has begun. She is texting hugs and kisses and I am just ignoring them all.


So live your life that fear of death can never enter your heart.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: NY
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slipping away. She doesn't know it, but she just confirmed that you are doing you job and doing it well. Remember, the 180 is for you, not to control her behavior or responses.

Your mantra: I will not be in a three person marriage.
Repeat as needed.

Reread the 180 until you have it memorized. Learn to take a breath before replying to anything she says as it gives you that needed moment to think. Ask yourself "is what I want to say consistent with the 180? Do I want to be lured back into the Hell I was living a few short days/weeks/months ago?"

Your WW is a control freak. It irks her to no end that you have thoughts, emotions, hopes and dreams independent of those she wants you to have. Her ideal world is you at home and OM on the side with neither ever concerned about the other or concerned about who she's with at any given time. Well, you don't want to live in that world.

Find stuff to do over the 4th (that's July 4 holiday to you foreign types who may read this) which keeps you busy. Cut the grass, clean out the garage, clean out the barbecue, wash and wax the car, etc., things you can do yourself and won't look too out of the ordinary. How can she complain if you're doing "man's" housework?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Tammy1
♀ Member
Member # 43280
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks like it's working already. Stay strong!


BW: 40 (me)
WH: 42 (him)
Married 18 years
3 kids
D-Day: 4/7/14, 9 month LTA
Together- trying to R

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You haven't engaged the 180 at all.

You're just playing hard to get, and enjoying her chasing you.

Read up on the 180 again. It's designed to give YOU direction, peace of mind, body and spirit, and the tools to continue living your life without allowing yourself to be the whipping boy for your cheating spouse.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Partially agree with NeverAgain. 180 is exactly that a complete about-face. What she's doing is called a sh*t test, of course she has sensed the change, so she will test this new so called resolve... acid test is not a one day of this, but a week, a month, and if you stay that long a year.

You're rebuilding yourself, believe it or not 180 has nothing to do with getting her back but rebuilding yourself and detaching.


Posts: 248 | Registered: Jun 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with NeverAgain.

Further, don't look at this like a strategy with some kind of end goal. Your wife is cheating on you, she manipulated you into letting her keep her boyfriend and is now playing games to pretend there is nothing wrong going on.

Just don't talk to her unless you have to. If she asks, tell her you don't feel safe around her because she's fucking someone else and won't stop. Don't get into a discussion, don't argue, don't even make smalltalk imo. Just tell her when she is ready to be an adult and drop her boyfriend, you will be ready to talk about how she can start fixing the damage she has caused.

Don't be nasty or confrontational or anything like that. Just put her out of your head as much as you can until she can be even remotely reasonable and authentic.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7575 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just don't talk to her unless you have to. If she asks, tell her you don't feel safe around her because she's fucking someone else and won't stop. Don't get into a discussion, don't argue, don't even make smalltalk imo. Just tell her when she is ready to be an adult and drop her boyfriend, you will be ready to talk about how she can start fixing the damage she has caused.

Don't be nasty or confrontational or anything like that. Just put her out of your head as much as you can until she can be even remotely reasonable and authentic.

I completely agree with the above, but I don't agree that you aren't doing the 180 yet. Pulling away, standing up straight, staying aloof, being okay with holding back your feelings, those are all exactly what you should be doing and how you should be feeling. You are NOT wrong to hold back your true feelings from her right now.

And I disagree you are "playing hard to get." One of the saddest things about the 180 is that it opens your eyes to realizing that those pretty words they are spouting at you are just pure manipulation. You know she doesn't mean those things because if she truly did, she wouldn't also have a boyfriend on the side.

If you were enjoying her love bombing, I would be worried about you slipping and thinking that that was true remorse. But you realize it's her manipulating you, so I *do* think you are engaging the 180 and the ideas and principles behind it.

It's not about changing her. It's about protecting yourself from receiving further brain damage from her. And once you figure out how to stop it from happening, then you can start working on how to heal the brain damage you've already suffered..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2698 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
CharachterReveal
Member
Member # 43477
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

And other helpful reading for the long holiday weekend:


Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Great Posts for Newbies to Read:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Emotional Detachment: What is it? How is it accomplished?
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=459284

Codependency in the Marriage: A BSís common mistake
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

20/20 Hindsight: What I Should Have Done When I JFO
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349


Posts: 116 | Registered: May 2014
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great!!!

But you DO need to tell her that you're out unless he's out. You can't just 180 and think that alone is going to get her to stop. She'll just think you're in a mood.

Tell her - flat out - that if she doesn't end ALL contact with OM, you're preparing yourself to move on. You don't need to say anything else. Don't debate it. If she pushes, just say "You're married. You don't get to have a boyfriend. It ends or we end." If she pushes more, say it again.

I would let her know, too, that even one more contact with him, outside of the NC letter that you need to approve, will be it.

Stand up for yourself!!! You're on the right path!!! Let her know that you are all set to walk, file on the grounds of infidelity, and fight for custody since she's done nothing for a year but lay in bed and cheat.

You do NOT need to accept her being involved with him. You simply do NOT.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
MissMouseMo
♀ Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you've got a great start and you will refine it as you see and feel the results of disengaging.

You will begin to feel better, stronger, and that will be rewarding to the point that you'll want to feel it more and you'll know intuitively what the situation demands.

One text that might come in handy: a polite (if only "sincere" in terms of etiquette) "thank you" for asking about you but that you are busy / don't have time right now / won't be sharing that sort of thing...choose your answer according to how you feel.

But effectively tell her that you are going to decline chatting...and give her crickets if she tries to Hoover or manipulate you back into a discussion.

"Exercising" your new "muscles" will make them stronger and you'll be "buff" (and comfortable in not seeking attention / reassurance / love from her) as you get stronger.

Keep up the good work!


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 381 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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