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For the newly betrayed

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Tred posted 7/3/2014 16:21 PM

For the newly betrayed:

Just read a thread and a poster said "Just wanted to let you know you are not alone". And you know what? You aren't. Know what else? You are not unique. You know what else? It's not your fault. And it takes time to heal. Here some things I believe are Laws of SI for Betrayed's:

1. You aren't alone. There are as of this writing just shy of 44,000 members on SI. That's enough to fill Wrigley Stadium. But like Wrigley, not everyone is always at the ball park. Sometimes there are a lot of people posting and responding, your questions get answered, and you see other people expressing their particular shit sandwich. Sometimes, the ball park is fairly empty. Weekends are slow, holidays are slow, but it doesn't mean that there aren't people who care. Lack of responses to your thread doesn't mean that someone hasn't read it, and possibly found solace from it, whether or not they respond or reciprocate. And there are a lot of betrayed's who read this forum and never sign up. I wish they would, but knowing that I might in some small way bring a measure of comfort to them is enough for me. So post, and don't apologize for it. Once or many, many times.

2. You are not unique. Seriously. There's a saying that is used here (it's used other places too, but it means more here) called Been There Done That, BTDT. You're husband cheated with [hookers, prostitutes, your sister, your best friend, another man, etc] there is someone here that can not only relate, but has suffered the same humiliation. Your wife cheated with [the pastor, your best friend, a loser who works at a shitty job, a lawyer, a member of a different race, random men off the internet, etc]. BTDT. What matters is not what's between the brackets. The ONLY thing that matters is "Your SPOUSE cheated". Emotional, physical, doesn't matter. Your spouse cheated. And that Hurts. Probably the most pain you've ever felt. You are a mess - physically, emotionally, mentally. You've suffered a trauma that has pushed people over the edge where they retaliate and people end up dead. Affairs kill people. Don't ever underestimate the amount of damage that can be caused. But you can survive it. There are awesome people here who can help you. I'm not saying we can save your marriage, because that's not what SI is about. It's about Surviving Infidelity - whether you are the betrayed or the betrayer. No matter what you're desired or eventual outcome, there's probably someone who has BTDT. Notice a trend here? So don't be afraid to post. So what if your spouse was involved with farm animals, midgets, and the 1983 Denver Broncos. BTDT (well, not the Denver Broncos).

3. It's not your fault. Marriage is hard. It's a flip of coin whether or not they succeed before you throw in infidelity. All marriages have issues. And you know what? Big deal. Marital problems do not cause affairs - they are just excuses for the affairs. Because you know why? You were in the same marriage and you didn't cheat. Tada! Just like that. So whatever the justification for the affair - and I mean whatever - it boils down to the wayward had the time, opportunity, and desire to cheat. Period. They CHOSE to do it. Being raped isn't an affair. No one made them do it - we don't have that kind of power. They wanted to cheat pure and simple. Not. Your. Fault.

4. It takes time to heal. Time. The four letter word on SI. The average is 2-5 YEARS from the LAST hurt. Not DDay. The last hurt. Let that sink in. If trickle truth (continual lies both overt and of omission) keeps going on, the clock gets reset each time. Do not compare where you are in your healing to anyone else. That's dangerous - there are too many variables. Wherever you are in your healing is exactly where you are supposed to be. But it does get better. I couldn't imagine it at one time, but I'm close to 3 years out from my DDay. Better is relative though - this takes time. I'm on my healing timeline though, and I want to heal myself. Note I said myself. Not my spouse. Not my marriage. My spouse need to heal herself (we are trying to R). And as we both do that, we both are healing the marriage. So in an equation MY + HERS = Marriage. If one of the two don't happen, marriage doesn't get healed. You may stay married, but just remember the marriage isn't healed. Don't push this under the rug. That's dangerous. You only want to be here for the first betrayal. Not the next. And never let anyone tell you you should be over this by now. Period.

I'm sure I'm missing a lot of details but wanted to get something out there before the holiday here in the US.

You can survive this...

Raspberry posted 7/3/2014 16:41 PM

Fantastic. Thank you. Im still on the JFO board bc last yr I found him looking at hookers. He finally admitt he had been to a massage parlor ONCE....years ago. Stressed me so much, I had a massive bleed and had my baby almost 5 weeks early.

The second dday was when he came clean (probably still lying) but he went and met with the hookers. I slapped him across the face and attacked him. (Not ok, I know...but Fuck him). That was just this yes....the trickling of truths cause longer pain etc....

Sorry for venting here. Your post hit the nail on the head.

LookingforLove posted 7/3/2014 16:41 PM

Wonderful post Tred, couldn't have said it better!!!

I am a survivor of my XWH's 6+ year LTA. Thought I'd never make it to the other side but I did with the help of the wonderful, supportive people at SI, counseling, a shark of a Lawyer and a much needed DIVORCE!!!

To the newly betrayed and the ones that are not new but still struggling,
US BTDT may not always post but we hear you and you are not alone!!!
Stay Blessed and have a safe holiday!!!

Jrazz posted 7/3/2014 18:24 PM

Love it, Tred. Thank you for being so strong and compassionate to the membership here. We are so lucky to have you.

Skan posted 7/3/2014 19:23 PM

Ya beat me to the Its the Slow Holidays post and you did it beautifully!

New poster, welcome. Welcome to the one forum that you never wanted to be a part of. Welcome to the one forum that really, truly understands. Welcome to the one forum which is comprised of people who have and are walking in your shoes. We are all, each and every one of us, here for you. We will help you survive this.

Post often. Think of us as a well of fresh water. Draw from us and drink deeply.

Skan posted 7/3/2014 19:23 PM


[This message edited by Skan at 3:47 PM, July 6th, 2014 (Sunday)]

MadeOfScars posted 7/3/2014 21:43 PM


As you have been for so many here, you were there for me at one of my lowest points. Your well-thought posts hit home time and time again, and I'm proud to know you.

JFO - Anytime, anywhere, any way the hurt hits, give it to us. Let us help you. You absolutely can survive this. We do it as at team, as a family, all 44 thousand plus strong.

Any. Time.

nowiknow23 posted 7/3/2014 21:52 PM

Awesome post, Tred.

OakStreet posted 7/3/2014 21:55 PM

Thank you, Tred!

Tred posted 7/4/2014 07:06 AM

Also, there is a wealth of information in the Healing Library. Feel free to browse it. The link is in the box in the upper left of the page. FAQ's, abbreviations, tips, and a lot of good advice. Take time to read it. There is years of collective wisdom in there from some very wise people.

DefiledRage posted 7/4/2014 10:10 AM


And bravo tred

GotPlayed posted 7/4/2014 20:51 PM


zulay44 posted 7/4/2014 21:25 PM

Thank you Tred!!!! Many words of wisdom... I received so much help from this forum and I'm so glad and blessed I found it. So many great people here that will give you comfort and hope. It's been 9 months since my DDay, and I'm still in pain but not as bad as 9 months ago...

delia1980 posted 7/4/2014 21:54 PM

[This message edited by delia1980 at 10:02 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

Bookworm428 posted 7/5/2014 19:05 PM

Thank you. I spend a lot of time wondering whether I should be on here or not because my WH didn't have a PA. It has devastated me and changed the way I look at EVERYTHING. Him, me, our relationship of 10 years, our marriage of 5. It makes me feel like all the happiness I felt before I found out was a LIE because he wasn't as happy or as in love with me as I thought. It's slow and painful and I do feel alone. This brings me solace.

Jomarion posted 7/5/2014 19:47 PM

Thank you, Tred. Needed to read this.

Tred posted 7/6/2014 15:44 PM

Les Bump

gahurts posted 7/6/2014 16:00 PM

Awesome post Tred!

Jrazz posted 7/6/2014 22:00 PM


MakingMyFuture posted 7/7/2014 04:17 AM perfect, and accurate. Thank you for the wonderful post.

To any new members. You are really really not alone. Breath. Know that you will get through this with the most important thing intact...your spirt.

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