((((Brokensmile322 and mr brokensmile322))))
A big hug for both of you.
This. Is. Me.
My wife, your husband could not have chosen a more destructive way to hurt us then the full abandonment that adultery is. Period!
IC sessions with 2 different therapists focused heavily on my abandonment fears.....a fear that is primal in nature to those who experienced abandonment in their formative years. My Dad physically, emotionally and spiritually abandoned me at the age of 12 upon parents D. My Mom was physically there for me after that but withdrawn emotionally and spiritually much of the time.
My CSA event was abandonment even before that. What they choose to do made me feel unsafe, vulnerable and scared. This is when my foundation started to shake.
That whole "you hurt me and I am done!" Mode of operation????
My Mom lives this way.
My older brother is this way....he D and is so hurt he will not date again...his D was rather sudden. Meaning his wife withdrew from him and they filed for D....not much work to save their M. His ex wife has admitted she wanted him to fight for her. He did not. Because if exactly what you are feeling brokensmile322.
My younger brother has zero close friends. He is visiting with me on my therapy work.....is searching out a therapist on his own as he is struggling with intimacy in his life. He feels his wife deserves more but he is up against a wall he can't see and doesn't know how to get threw it.
My Dad is classic abandonment fear guy. Friends are "great", job is "great" until.....poof.....they are NOT! And he shuns and quits. His FOO is as f'ed as they come.....a fact I didn't know until 3 years ago. Dad has so repressed his pain.....
My wife, your husband has no idea the struggles I have gone through to MOT do as my FOO does!
And this leads me to why I hugged your husband.....
Our spouses hurt us deeply.....but it is our long standing brokenness that has been exposed by their A.
It's kinda mushy and soft, this sitch, as the pain is one now......but it is kind of our shit to work out. Don't throw rocks.....I know our spouses hurt us badly and they have a pike of restitution to do. But the amplifying of their actions is of pain we experienced long ago. Pain I didn't face 30 years ago. Couldn't face years ago. Pain that I must expose, heal and feel.....and mostly on our own.
It is up to us to face it. It can be done without our parents. For that matter we could heal from our spouses pain without them too! Offering R is partly us asking for their help....
But but but......our spouses need to understand our STRONG "flight" desires.
Visualization exercises have helped me.
God is the only reason I have made it this far. So many times I have just wanted to drive away.
Kids. They have been a factor in my journey.
As bad as I wanted to flee my wife.....the visualization exercises have me thinking of them over and over. I do NOT want to repeat my FOO patterns more than I want to selfishly protect myself.
Plus, therapy has painfully bit skillfully pointed out that what I consider "protecting" myself is actually quite UNHEALTHY!!!
My CoD choices are one such way I "protected" myself.
F that way of living.
So I am fighting against my FOO, the similar pain my wife has inflicted upon me, and the stats that say my M will fail.
It is a painful but healthy fight.
I must do this, you must do this to break free from the long standing pain from within. Pain that our spouses added to, but pain that pre-dates them as part of our lives.
Peace, my friend.
God is with us all.