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User Topic: How could she do this to me? Wife has girlfriend.
BSGuy24
♂ New Member
Member # 43975
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are two key issues here IMHO.
Do you want to reconcile?
Do you have the option to reconcile?

To answer the easy one first. I have no idea if I have the option. Quite frankly, I'm not even sure that I know who she is or if SHE knows who she is.

The million dollar question is if I want R. I'm not sure how to answer. I love my wife just like the day that I asked her to marry me and the day that we got married. Since we first started dating I've never imagined myself with anyone else. Until things changed about 7 months ago I was one of the happiest people on Earth. I honestly don't know what I want, but I do feel like I need to figure it out VERY soon. I know that everyone here says that I have time, but I can't imagine going back to live in our apartment with her. I also can't imagine living in separation.

I told my wife yesterday, that I wasn't going to be separated from her. I didn't stand in front of all of those people and say "For better or for whenever the **** feels convenient." I said for better or worse and I meant it.

I really do feel like I could forgive her, but I don't think that I could ever forget about it or trust her again. I think that I just gave a non-answer answer, but I just don't know.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Follow Bigger's lead and do a little research on whether a lesbian/heterosexual marriage is likely to succeed. That's why the issue of her sexual identity is paramount. And it's an issue you have nothing to do with. If she is sexually attracted to women and not to men, that cannot be,changed.

Imagine being wooed by a gay guy. Would you ever decide to marry him just because he loved you and treated you well at al times? Probably not going to happen, right? Same consideration applies to her loving you. ILYBINILWY takes on a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

This has happened to two couples I know. Everybody got on with their lives when it all got sorted out. Shocking and hurtful initially, but really one of those "there's nothing that could have been done" situations.

Maybe your wife isn't a lesbian. She Ned's to examine herself with or without professional,help and determine that. It's on hold until,that happens.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree she needs to figure out her sexuality.But every study has shown women are more fluid in their sexual IDs than men. She might be more bi than strong lesbian. A "strong." lesbian like a gay guy will have real trouble in a relationship with a man, a bi wont (my experience).The real issue is her character and ability to commit to you--she was angry because you caught her--what does that tell you?

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a female member with an ex that cheated with same-sex. My research was all done on male bi/gay sexuality. I can't attest to female...but I can tell you one thing:

Regardless, she isn't faithful. Doesn't matter who she cheated with, she cheated.

The same-sex cheating adds an additional layer of problems.

I can tell you that we also tried to R, with my ex saying he wanted the marriage (we had been together 17 years and had 2 small kids at the time) and now that "his secret was open", was in love and happy with me. Within 9 months he was cheating again. I left and started over. He is now openly gay.

And, similarly, he had a gay experience in high school that he failed to mention to me...I found out much later in therapy.

It is an extra blow to deal with...that knowing they had gay/bi tendencies and hid it from you. Their tendency is to hide, and it has been ingrained to hide for a long time. If I had known, I probably wouldn't have married him. He knew that, so he kept it from me.

But, you can't change the past. All you can do is deal with the knowledge you have now and move forward.

She is showing you a pattern of behavior. Please pay attention to it. Put yourself into therapy, and find a good one that can deal with gay/bi issues. It is going to get rough no matter what your decision is and you'll need a strong therapist to help.

Keep posting!!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
ItsJust2Painful
♀ New Member
Member # 43973
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, I wanted to give you a little bit of perspective that I thought could possibly help you. The only man I have ever been attracted to in my entire life is my WH. I am attracted to other women, not men. But I am very sexually attracted to my WH, and my sexual orientation is not a problem in our sex life or M. I'm not saying my situation is typical - just that it is my situation and that it's possible.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 29
DD: 11/21/2013
EA/PA 6 months while I was pregnant with DS1, So many EAs over 3 years - who knows how many? more than 50, less than 100.
DS#1 born 8/13, DS#2 due 9/14

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2014
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xsil did something similar. I think the most telling thing is her initial, well she lives there and I live here. So in her mind the choice would be Ow if she were in proximity. With no children involved, get out now. Sorry jmo.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did tell her that if she wanted to stay married that she needed to cut off all communication with this woman, begin counseling and we could go from there. I didn't want to demand a divorce because it's so soon and I'm not sure that I'm thinking clearly.

Dude - she's batting for the OTHER team. Its bad enough having OM to worry about when its BOTH sexes, you have to decide if you can live with a bi sexual wife and an open marriage.

14 months married and this already happening? Your dating and engagement periods lasted longer! She was NOT honest with herself or you. This would be a deal breaker for me and I wouldn't be investing one dime in counseling but shopping for lawyers and an annulment to start over fresh.

You SO deserve better. You gave her a portion of your life with the potential of your whole life. She threw it in your face before she could hardly pass go and collect $200. Let her sort her sexuality out on her own time. I know its cruel but hit the road. You sound like a WONDERFUL dream of decent man who deserves a wife who loves HIM enough to stay faithful longer than a warranty program and is willing to show him in and out of the bedroom just that.

(((BSGuy24))))


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 592 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. My husband cheated with a man. We are four years into R, and we are very happy.

My husband isn't bi or gay. I know, I know. I know why he did what he did, and why he was with a man. He has taken a poly, and as I said, we are four years into R, so of course we've ridden the roller coaster, Ive asked questions, etc,etc. Without going into detail, I am satisfied that I know why it happened.

BUT.

I wanted to chime in and say...being bisexual doesn't equate to an open marriage. It just means she is ALSO attracted to women. Sexuality isn't a choice..but fidelity is. There are many, many people who are bi, but monogamous.

However...if she is gay...she's gay. There's no working around that.

Before my husband opened up about what he did..and why...I spent 3 years researching...and IMO..which amounts to nothing.. ..is your wife is gay.

[This message edited by confused615 at 6:35 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS Guy 24

As one of the others has posted to you, your wife having tendencies to be attracted to other women does NOT have to actually have any impact on your sex life if she also likes men. The lying and the deceit are the real issues.

And since this AP is nowhere near you geographically, a continuous and ongoing meeting of your wife and her GF is really not something you have to deal with as would be the case if the AP was ten minutes away.

Here is what your real long term problem is. If you stay in this relationship your wife and you have a few options
(1) She agrees to seek IC and to not act on her feelings of attraction to other women. While this sounds easy, it probably is not that easy and quite frankly if you choose this option you will be in detective mode for a long time.
(2) Or you can keep the lines of communication open and make her feel Ok with talking to you if she feels so attracted to another woman she wants to act on it. Some guys actually might find this "hot" as long as there was no lying.

The real problem with option #2 is that you are then actually agreeing to some form, of open marriage, which can lead to immense other problems. If your wife is truly bi-sexual and also does like men, she will undoubtedly run into a woman who is also bisexual and will want to get her involved with her partner, a male. So then you are right back in the same spot, either getting blindsided when she tells you or you find out that she did not only see another woman, but also got it on with her partner.

There is no easy answer here. Your wife I think has to commit to you there will be no more deception and that she will and can fulfill YOUR needs both emotionally and sexually. Then she has to determine if she is truly bi-sexual or gay.
And then you have to access what you can live with and if you want to have all these uncertainties in your marriage. And this will not happen overnight.

You are young and really do not need all this drama so that also needs to add into your decision.

You have a lot on your plate for a young relatively newlywed.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry,Badhurt. but I am going to have to disagree with you. respectfully, of course.

IF she IS bisexual, that doesn't mean she will act on it in the future. It means she is attracted to both men, and women. It doesn't mean she is more apt to cheat.

Look..Im straight. I am attracted to men. BUT I am married. I don't act on that attraction. Being bisexual is the same..you can be attracted..but you don't have to act on it.

Saying she will eventually give in to those urges is the same as saying a straight woman will eventually cheat because she is attracted to men.


I know a few bisexual women, one is my very best friend. She is absolutely commited to her husband and her marriage. She choose fidelity. Does she think women are attractive? Sure. But she choose not to act on it.

It's the same for any former wayward spouse..they might be attracted to someone else, but they choose to be faithful.

Just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:19 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, Badhurt was talking about his hypothetical option 2 where H accepts infidelity of W as long as it's with women. He also went through the hypothetical woman man woman threesome which is something that may occur in the bisexual community. Never been there or done that, but his concern WS sexual,contact betwen WW and a Her gf's OM. Sure, maybe WW would decline the invitation, but H will,have to live with that uncertainty.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I should practice my reading comprehension skills.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BSGuy24
♂ New Member
Member # 43975
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI everyone. Thanks again for all of your responses. Of all of these posts there are quite a few statements that have hit home.

It's now been almost a full week since I began to uncover this A. I do feel like the initial shock has begun to wear off where I feel like I can actually breathe again. I am getting my bearings about me and am beginning to feel some new emotions. I now feel pissed off as hell.

After reading and re-reading many of the posts here I have come to some conclusions.

1. My marriage is built on absolutely nothing but lies and deceit. Someone said that you really have to go focus on the good times when trying to R from an A. My marriage has none of those. We had 6 decent months followed by 7 months of deception and infidelity.

2. My wife really doesn't give a **** about me or our commitment to marriage. Her lack or remorse when I confronted her followed by 3 days of NC shows me that she actually doesn't care. I would think that she would be falling all over herself to try to at least have a conversation about our future. I may have actually married the most selfish individual on the face of the Earth.

3. I'm going back to our apartment tonight, where she is, to have a conversation this evening (I've been at my parent's with company for the 4th of July Weekend). I'm going to tell her to go stay with her mom or sister Mon, Tues and Wed, as I'm leaving for a conference on Thursday. I'm also going to ask her if she's had anymore contact with the OW. I greatly suspect that she has which she may or may not admit to. If she is it's probably by email as she changed her password immediately after I left. If she's had contact via cell phone I'll see it on the bill when it comes out on the 24th. Whether she has or hasn't I really don't give a crap.

I'm think that I'm going ask her to come get all of her personal belongings while I'm gone this weekend. I'm going to act as if it's a separation while she figures herself out. When I get back from my conference I'm planning on talking to an attorney and probably filing for D. I simply can't be with someone who is selfish and unfaithful so early into our marriage.

My only question is, what if she says she hasn't had contact and actually starts to go to IC this week? I just think that it's too little too late. However, I feel like I owe it to her to give her a chance to sort herself out. I just don't think that I love her anymore. I can't imagine a day where I can forget or ever trust her again. Is it too soon to make a major decision? I'm just looking for advice from those who are more experienced.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2014
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BSguy...

Run! Run as fast as you can away from this situation. I would file for divorce and call it done. If she has cheated on you already, I assure you she is going to dole out a massive amount of misery across her lifetime. The question is, are you going to let yourself be the recipient of it or some other poor person.

You really don't want to be attached with someone that "doesn't know who they are". They feel no obligation to you because any action they take is because they really don't know themselves. It's like a built in, internal get out of jail free card.

Your wife is in firm possession of hers.

When you file she Will act remorseful. She will try to convince you to hang in there. This is because you are her safety net. You are the back up plan. She will not want to let go of that security, unless there is someone else willing to put a roof over her head.

I will tell you there are still skeletons in her closet she hasn't showed you yet.

Do yourself a favor and extract yourself from the situation.

*disclaimer... I am usually for reconciliation and have reconciled with my wife.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My only question is, what if she says she hasn't had contact and actually starts to go to IC this week?
The key words in there are "What if she says".

We can all say things that are not true. Can you check your phone bill on a daily basis.

Will she give you her passwords.

If no, then I don't know how you can believe her words at this time.

Do you think it is a good idea you tell her to take her things while you are not even there?

As for sorting herself out. That is fine, but while she does that she has to know she is still married and sure as hell should act married with the transparency you asked for.


Posts: 4121 | Registered: Jun 2002
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BSGuy

I already think you have your answers to all your questions.

You don't know she is.....

She has not contacted you at all. Very telling isn't it.

Aside from being a liar and cheater your wife is just plain selfish.

I think your plan for her to get her stuff and move out is ok.

She needs the time and frankly so do you.

Go see an attorney after your business is concluded. Start splitting whatever assets you have.

She needs to figure herself out and is only wasting your time while she does it which is not fair to you.

Most of all you deserve better. Divorces take time. I think by then you will know exactly what direction your future should take.

HM


Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BSGuy24~ I'm one of the ones with a gay ex, and I agree. He is one of the most selfish people I have ever met.

To lie to another person from the moment you met them, hide a HUGE part of your past/sexuality (my ex and your WW both had gay experiences in high school and didn't share that history...) and choose to move forward in the marriage and then go ahead and cheat. It is so much to wrap your head around.

She isn't showing any signs of wanting to R, and...frankly...you want someone who is willing to fight to be IN the marriage.

Find a good therapist, you are going to need someone to help you sort through this when you settle down and can breathe again.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Snowy
♂ Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

I can totally relate to your story. My wife had a same sex affair. I would never have guessed it.

Friends of ours just split up. They had been having problems for years. When the split happen, she jumped into a same sex relationship.

We managed to reconcile but it has taken at least 7 years. We did it mostly for our 3 kids. If it wasn't for them we would be gone.

I could never rationalise the situation. You don't wake up one morning and suddenly decide you are gay.

My only advice is;

1. you have nothing to be ashamed of. You went into this marriage honestly and tried to make it work. She didn't .

2. She needs to want to be in the marriage for it to have any hope. You can not be a little out of it.

3. If I was in your position, knowing what I know now, I would cut my loses and run. Has some one has said, you should be with some one you can TRUST.


Posts: 159 | Registered: Mar 2007
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have got a number of good suggestions and ideas posted to your thread so I want to go through some of them.

Some things we all agree on;
This is infidelity. You are experiencing infidelity no matter what. Your wife has shown emotional attachment, sexual attraction and very likely sexual activity to someone outside the marriage. There seems to be some ambiguity in whether they had “sex” or not but keep in mind that you can define sex from the pov of the beholder. If your WW thinks she had “sex” whereas OW might think petting or grinding isn’t sex then your wife had sex.

Another issue we agree on is that IF she is bisexual then she chose to limit her sexual activities to you with her marital commitment and decision. Heck – even if she’s lesbian then she did the same in deciding to marry you.

Where we might have disagreements on is whether she can commit to a heterosexual marriage as a lesbian.

I want to be clear on this: In my view there is NO WAY a gay person can live a happy life in a heterosexual relationship.
I also want to state that based solely on what YOU post I think she’s a lesbian and not bi-sexual.

Now – let’s look at some comments from your first post:


I distinctly remember asking her if I did something to make her upset. She said No.

True. Because you didn‘t make her lesbian. Your WW wouldn’t be the first gay person that tries to subdue her sexuality and hides behind a “beard” (that’s what you are IMHO – a beard to cover her sexuality to make it respectable). I wouldn’t be surprised if your WW entered the marriage in hope of “getting over” or “curing” herself of her sexuality. She entered the marriage in the hope that you being a decent likable guy and the sex being bearable… that she could subdue the rest. Only as things go on she realizes that she can’t.

I should mention that we rarely ever had sex. Our sex life was fair before we got married, but generally nonexistent after this New Year's trip.

We may have possibly had sex 4 times this year.

These comments are the ones that lead me to the lesbian conclusion. Look – if she was bi then she would be attracted to you. There would have been some period of passionate sex during your courtship, after the marriage and so on. Come on! Four times in 7 months… that’s low. That’s not bi-sexual. That’s not “I hate his guts and wish he wasn’t here”. IMHO that’s “I really don’t like this act and wish I was doing something else”.


I'm mentoring kids at a leadership conference

The above is the reason I asked about the religious and social background and the views on same-sex relationships. I’m wondering if this activity is church-based and if your guidance to date has been church-based. You haven’t answered that… IF your WW were to go to her and your parents and say “I am a lesbian and I want to live an openly lesbian life” how would they react?
To be clear on this issue: I am a person of faith.


She told me that she didn't think that she loved me anymore, she couldn't see herself having kids with me, she was confused and that she was only happy when I was away.


We kissed for about 10 seconds and she said "There's just no passion!" I said, "What? From me?" She said, "No. From me. I just don't find you physically attractive. It's not your appearance, I just don't find you physically attractive."

Well… IF she’s a lesbian then that’s clear. Note she doesn’t say she hates you. Why happy when away? Because she doesn’t have the sex obligation hanging over her. Doesn’t have to be something she isn’t.

I negotiate for a living

So do I. Well… a large part of my job is project and crisis management. That involves a lot of negotiations.
So you assume you can negotiate anything… IF she’s a lesbian and IF you want to negotiate her into committing to the marriage then try this exercise:
Imagine your best male friend. Imagine how negotiations would go if you were making a living-arrangement deal. Imagine he expects sex 1-2x a week. Using your negotiation experience you can get that down to once every 6 weeks (about your marriages average). So from 9-12 instances of sex you have gotten it down to 1… Does that sound like a successful deal? Think you could cope with getting down on your knees and bending over every six weeks?
Would the deal be sweeter if you got it down to once every six months? Or does the thought of same-sex intercourse throw you off?
Think that if you look at the other benefits of the deal – better joint income, social status, expected lifestyle… - will make the sex issue acceptable to you?
This is the deal your wife took. Albeit without telling you.
This is the deal YOU are trying to broker.

IF you are experienced in negotiations then a key factor is knowing when to stop.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
total idiot
Member
Member # 19380
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You ask if it's too soon to make a major decision. But you also say you just don't love her anymore. That right there is your answer. Time to pick up and leave IMO.


I hate this.

Posts: 355 | Registered: May 2008
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