Thanks to all. Bigger, thanks for taking so much time to respond. I wanted to address some of your questions specifically.
Some things we all agree on;
This is infidelity. You are experiencing infidelity no matter what. Your wife has shown emotional attachment, sexual attraction and very likely sexual activity to someone outside the marriage. There seems to be some ambiguity in whether they had “sex” or not but keep in mind that you can define sex from the pov of the beholder. If your WW thinks she had “sex” whereas OW might think petting or grinding isn’t sex then your wife had sex.
Nope. No ambiguity here. They had sex. My wife admitted to it. I'm not sure what that means exactly as I'm not even sure how 2 women "have sex" together. I'm almost too scared to google it. Whether they "had sex" or just did something that my wife thought was "having sex" either is too much for me.
I should mention that we rarely ever had sex. Our sex life was fair before we got married, but generally nonexistent after this New Year's trip.
We may have possibly had sex 4 times this year.
These comments are the ones that lead me to the lesbian conclusion. Look – if she was bi then she would be attracted to you. There would have been some period of passionate sex during your courtship, after the marriage and so on. Come on! Four times in 7 months… that’s low. That’s not bi-sexual. That’s not “I hate his guts and wish he wasn’t here”. IMHO that’s “I really don’t like this act and wish I was doing something else”.
That's a heck of a good point. She claims that I didn't try to initiate sex, which isn't true. It's just hard to initiate sex when the woman that you're kissing is barely kissing you back.
I'm mentoring kids at a leadership conference
The above is the reason I asked about the religious and social background and the views on same-sex relationships. I’m wondering if this activity is church-based and if your guidance to date has been church-based.
This conference is part of an international service organization that I am part of. Not religious in any way. My wife and I have not been religious and never been to church together. I was raised Catholic but have not been in the better part of a decade.
However, I have been to church the last 2 Sundays by myself. It's actually hard to believe how much the church has changed. It also helps to listen to the priest as I did for the first time in my 30 year life. I think that I'm going to continue to go.
IF your WW were to go to her and your parents and say “I am a lesbian and I want to live an openly lesbian life” how would they react?
Her Mother told me that she knew about her relationship with her girlfriend when they were seniors in high school. She said she wasn't happy about it, but never did anything about it as she thought that it was a phase. Her family are all from New England and are much more liberal. I think that they would be totally fine with it.
We kissed for about 10 seconds and she said "There's just no passion!" I said, "What? From me?" She said, "No. From me. I just don't find you physically attractive. It's not your appearance, I just don't find you physically attractive."
Well… IF she’s a lesbian then that’s clear. Note she doesn’t say she hates you. Why happy when away? Because she doesn’t have the sex obligation hanging over her. Doesn’t have to be something she isn’t.
BINGO. Right there in bold. I have been thinking that, but never said it.
I negotiate for a living
So do I. Well… a large part of my job is project and crisis management. That involves a lot of negotiations.
So you assume you can negotiate anything… IF she’s a lesbian and IF you want to negotiate her into committing to the marriage then try this exercise:
Imagine your best male friend. Imagine how negotiations would go if you were making a living-arrangement deal. Imagine he expects sex 1-2x a week. Using your negotiation experience you can get that down to once every 6 weeks (about your marriages average). So from 9-12 instances of sex you have gotten it down to 1… Does that sound like a successful deal? Think you could cope with getting down on your knees and bending over every six weeks?
Would the deal be sweeter if you got it down to once every six months? Or does the thought of same-sex intercourse throw you off?
Think that if you look at the other benefits of the deal – better joint income, social status, expected lifestyle… - will make the sex issue acceptable to you?
This is the deal your wife took. Albeit without telling you.
This is the deal YOU are trying to broker.
So here's where I'm at. I'm about 99% sure that I'm filing for divorce. I asked my wife to stay with her sister while I'm home this week and come get the rest of her stuff this weekend while I'm gone. I've only told her that it's a separation while she figures herself out. I can trust her to just take her things. I asked her to leave anything that we bought mutually or we received as a gift and I would not do anything with them until we figured out how we were going to proceed. We've only been together for 14 months and live in a one bedroom apartment so it's not like we've got a ton of stuff anyways.
When I get back next week I'm going to talk to an attorney and most likely file for divorce. As many of you have said, I'm cutting my losses and getting out with as little collateral damage as possible. We don't have many assets together, but I've got a business and multiple real estate holdings to protect. I'm not telling her about the D until I'm fully sure of what I can do to make this best for me. This is why I'm only telling her it's a separation.