I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger
Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!
Instead we have to mourn them while they are in front of us and learn to love the new person they become. (hopefully better)
It's very difficult and yes, I thought the same thing in the beginning.
Don't worry about being "unbalanced" we are all just a little bit nuts going through this...it gets better.
It just sucks. All of it.
What doesn't kill me, scars me.
I did not discover the truth about my first husband until after he died. I knew he was an alcoholic and we were divorcing. After his death, I found out he was a bisexual sex addict and had been with male and female prostitutes the entirely of our 27 year relationship. I haven't been able to question, understand, reconcile and the issue will never be resolved either for me or our adult sons ( who don't know about the sex addiction).
However, my second husband and I are able to work on reconciliation together. He also has betrayed me all our 9 year relationship (until 7 weeks ago) with a MCOW "fuck buddy". ( I seem to pick them!). I am still deciding whether to R or D, but at least we talk about it, he's working on it, he is remorseful, considerate to my feelings (now). There is some hope we might be able to get through this.
If the WS dies, there is no hope of ever getting to the bottom of it, no hope of reconciliation, no understanding, no forgiveness, so many unanswered questions remain. At the moment, both my marriages seem fake. There was no hope for the first one, but today, for the second one, there is a possibility (faint though it may be) that we put the A he A in the past, we start again, we remain faithful into the future and we have 40 potentially happy years ahead of us.
If there is any hope of R for you, then that is better than if he dies and you never R.
Blanket and others, I too have had the same thought many times.
Firstly, when my WH was forced to disclose his A, my first response to him was, "I would rather die than deal with this!"
My worst fear was an A. It's one of the reasons I chose to marry my H. He was "THE NICE GUY". He had caught his mother in an A at the age of 17 and I thought the impact of that experience would make him "Affair-proof". We had a wonderful love story, beautiful courtship, wonderful wedding, and great early years of marriage. We had 3 children and 1 on the way when he engaged in his A. I was thoroughly and completely blindsided.
I believe him dying would have been MUCH EASIER to deal with, because, as others said, Death has closure. Death doesn't involve dealing with betrayal. With his death, I wouldn't have had to deal with knowing the person I married was a complete sham. Our marriage and who he was died a slow death over the first 18 months post-DD. It has been the most horrible and traumatic experience of my life. I stayed for my kids and bc I think my life with him is easier, safer, and more secure financially than without him. He has changed in some ways, but I will NEVER view him or love him like I loved and viewed the man I married. This guys is the stranger I have 5 kids with. At least he goes to work, makes a good living for us, and I am comfortable, at least that's what I tell myself. It feels like eating a shit sandwich some days.
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*
So, I was cheated on by WH#1. I had WH#1 die while trying to explain to our children that daddy wasn't going to leave the hospital*** I was cheated on my WH#2, who, btw, has yelled in my face that 'people have had spouses DIE and get over it sooner!!'
He's right. The death is easier. Why? It wasn't intentional. It wasn't designed to cut us out. It wasn't filled with lies, betrayal, another person replacing us. It is death, and it hurts, and it's hard to recover from and accept, but it was never, for a moment, about us. Death just happens.
Betrayals are far more personal. They're an attack of sorts. We were passed over. Sure, WS didn't leave, but so F'N what? Wouldn't that have been better? At least we wouldn't feel like utter fools, believing every lie, even though in hindsight it was a pile of the dumbest, most outrageous lies ever told. No, death is not intentional. It isn't chosen over us. It just is.
I say this without taking into account suicides. Those are heartbreaking. To think that anyone sees death as an alternative the their own private hell is excruciating to even imagine. I apologize if my post offends or triggers anyone that has been directly affected by a suicide. My heart goes out to all such people.
I feel like I'm grieving for him but he's still here.
You're not grieving for him. You're grieving for the him that he let you see. You're grieving the dreams you know can't or won't be fulfilled. You're grieving the loss of innocence in your relationship. You're not grieving him - he's still right there. It's all of the things he took from you that you grieve, and rightfully so.
"One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though....betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."
I hear you and I think it's entirely normal. No one brings casseroles to your house because your spouse betrayed you....your memories are left intact and you can mourn with some peace when your spouse dies. Infidelity is a death of innocence and trust.
[This message edited by sad12008 at 9:16 PM, July 4th (Friday)]
had this same conversation with my ic. She was saying that life is unpredictable and compared his A to him dying unexpectedly.
Where do these quacks come from?
Death is permanent. There is no going back. There is no 'wait and see'. There is no sending the kids to dad's on the weekends. There are no Father's day gifts to make in school while all the other kids make their dad's gifts. Death is in NO way like discovering an affair. I'm shocked that anyone, particularly a counselor, would be so incredibly stupid. Yes, stupid. It's a stupid, and completely unintelligent comment.
Dying unexpectedly and an A are both major game changers, it's true. However, when death is unexpected, you get support, you all wonder how this happened so suddenly. You reminisce about what a good man he was. And then, it's just over. You go home alone, with your kids, and you try as best you can to act like 'hey, things happen' when really, every damned thing is different, and you have no idea what to do or say, or how to ack.
When discovering an A, people whisper. Some blame the BS. Some just stay away. You'll get support, some of it backhanded, such as "Maybe if you wore sexier clothes, that might help?' Yeah, ok. There is no get together to 'say goodbye' to this person. Instead, your friends for the most part scatter. Those that don't are soon tired of hearing about your pain. You are alone, and you know it. Worse, the A was premeditated. You were lied to. You feel unattractive, unloved, unwanted. You feel ugly. You're scared. You're embarrassed. You were willfully and maliciously betrayed.
OK - Someone please, show me how these events are similar? Anyone?
The answer is both. His A will kill parts of you. I'm sorry, but it will. What will emerge will surprise you, and you'll know that you're prepared for what's next. There are no guarantees that something like this won't happen again, but you will be stronger, more alert, better prepared, and you will know what to expect regarding the range of emotions.
Being a BS isn't a good thing, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but you will be stronger after this. I promise
Since. DDay we discovered WH has hypertension that he is now being treated for. I am glad we found it and it is being dealt with rather thana him dropping dead from a heart attack. I am glad he didn't have one when he was in the middle of having sex with her. Imagine how hard that would be to deal with :(
Mom of 4 - I feel like you have written exactly how I feel and e same situation of WH seeing the devastation of affairs all around him. Yet be still chose to do it, to knowingly hurt me like this - deliberately. How can I want to stay with someone that purposely did is to me, to our life and our family? Some days I am so angry at myself for not being stronger and just leaving. I am just sick of being so sad
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!