Death is permanent. There is no going back. There is no 'wait and see'. There is no sending the kids to dad's on the weekends. There are no Father's day gifts to make in school while all the other kids make their dad's gifts. Death is in NO way like discovering an affair. I'm shocked that anyone, particularly a counselor, would be so incredibly stupid. Yes, stupid. It's a stupid, and completely unintelligent comment.
Dying unexpectedly and an A are both major game changers, it's true. However, when death is unexpected, you get support, you all wonder how this happened so suddenly. You reminisce about what a good man he was. And then, it's just over. You go home alone, with your kids, and you try as best you can to act like 'hey, things happen' when really, every damned thing is different, and you have no idea what to do or say, or how to ack.
When discovering an A, people whisper. Some blame the BS. Some just stay away. You'll get support, some of it backhanded, such as "Maybe if you wore sexier clothes, that might help?' Yeah, ok. There is no get together to 'say goodbye' to this person. Instead, your friends for the most part scatter. Those that don't are soon tired of hearing about your pain. You are alone, and you know it. Worse, the A was premeditated. You were lied to. You feel unattractive, unloved, unwanted. You feel ugly. You're scared. You're embarrassed. You were willfully and maliciously betrayed.
Painful Past, the words above that you posted are so true. If I could put some of my thoughts into words, I definitely feel the same way about what you posted.
My WH and I were heading out on a date night friday night. I had my hair done, I was excited, he knew it! I put on a beautiful white strapless dress. I looked fantastic. All he could talk about was, "how much did your hair cost?; the dog pooped in the house; and that dress sure does smash your boobs."
All I could think was…
I had 5 of your children
You say this to me after all the hell you put me through?
You let me go out to lunch with that bitch after you screwed her?
July 4th 5 years ago we were at the Ritz with them and you were secretly telling her that "it was over"?!
My response to him was, "you are a stupid Mother F^&%er". ( I never cussed until his A). I haven't talked to him or looked at him since.
I cannot even begin to tell all of you what hell my WH put me and my young kids thru. He lost his job bc of the A, we had to move to another state with my 3 kids and 8 week old baby. No family. No friends. I kept it a secret from all our family and 98% of our friends at the time. I was sleep-deprived, lonely, scared, humiliated, depressed and I don't even know what else.
No casseroles, no cards of condolences, no remembering the good times, no eulogies, no looking fondly at old photographs.
I would take his funeral any day over this BS.
I hope one day something really awesome happens to me! I feel like I deserve it. What can I say, selfishness is one of the traits that came out of this BS.Me- BS 42
WH-43-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*