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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Crap hit the fan today...
Summerluv123
♀ Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I thought I was going into R, but was contacted by OW#2 last night. She needed to tell me the truth, but it was her truth I think not the real truth as I am learning from others. Yes, we have a good friend that was in the middle of the whole thing. Never felt the need to tell me, no one did. Wow that does a lot for my self-esteem!

I learned this morning...I had the truth vomit spewed all over me by both of them...that WH's 2nd A lasted way longer than I thought for almost a year. She was and still is a neighbor. They hid it from me and by BFF who is also a neighbor, her H is the one that was in the middle trying to fix it all. Such a convoluted story. There were secret dinners, burn phones, lots of sex right under my nose. Where was I in all of this...I feel sick!

Now trying to figure out the real truth from both of their stories is hard. WH swears that 6 months ago he tried to break it off. She kept calling the friend in the middle to have WH call her. The friend backs up that story, but she says they talked as recently as 2 Sunday's ago when the last A came out and WH swears he did not talk to her.

I know I can't believe either of them. The friend said that she is out to break us up and will say anything to do that. I don't know what to believe at this point and have made him leave. We do not have the money to pay for a hotel, but he has to go somewhere. He was staying at his parents, but that was causing issues for me too.

This is a nightmare and I need to get out of it. I did talk to WH after we both cooled down a bit and we agreed to separate and work on ourselves. I have issues too that I knew I had, but never sought help for. I need to make myself happy! I told WH the best thing he can do right now is get help and figure out why he hurts the ones he loves. Not saying we will ever R, but I am not even thinking that far down the road right now. Got to piece my life back together.

I guess I need to see an attorney next week.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, he's had 3 affairs, that you know about. How many other times has he 'strayed' that you know nothing about ? Honestly, I would have to ask myself how many times it takes before I realize he's not changing. How many times does he get to dishonor and disrespect me after how many years of M ? AND, more importantly, why is it ok with me when he continues to do this to me ? Why do I continue to allow this kind of behavior from him ? IMO, your life would be far more enjoyable without his crazy. I'm sad this has happened to you, especially after so many years spent trying to make it work with him. Sometimes, and it's a hard course to take, but cutting your losses and putting an end to the whole mess may be in YOUR best interest.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Summerluv123
♀ Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!! You are right, why am I trying to hold on to a douche bag? I do not know... I have started IC and have my next visit Tuesday. I think I am getting closer to the truth. OBH #2 has agreed to meet with me and we are going to share stories. I think we both deserve to know what the truth is.

My gloves are off and I just need to put this to rest and move on. I do worry about my safety as she is still a neighbor and if she wants WH has badly as I think she does she might take it out on me. My MIL sent her a nasty message on FB today (without telling me) and now OW #2 has gone to take out a warrant for threats.

I need off the crazy train...just do not know how to do that.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I'm sorry.

As far as who to believe, none of them. I'd bet they did talk two weeks ago when they broke it off. Remember, this friend was helping out, knowing the goal was you staying with WH. He will lie to make that happen, as he has before.

I think the best thing to to at this point is cut ALL of them off. Don't respond to any of them. These friends, your "bff" and her H are anything but friends. OW? Dumb slut from down the street. These three are easy to go - very easy. You'll never believe anything they say, so why bother?

As for H, for now, keep the convo to the kids and finances. Until he's ready to bring something besides lies and nightmares, he needs to go too.

(((((hugs))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
wheelsup
♀ Member
Member # 34809
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so very sorry that this is happening to you. Again.

A question for you to ponder ... What exactly is it that you need to believe? Will 'the truth' - assuming you can get it - change your mind in some way?


wheelsup

DDay #1 03/07/2011
DDay#2 04/08/2011
Four Children
2 DS 13, 9
2 DD 11, 6

In Recovery


Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2012
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think deciding to go to a lawyer and calling it a day is an excellent decision.

I mean, does it really, REALLY matter if they had sex under your nose 100 times or 200 times? I understand that no one wants to think someone got something 'over' on them and that's how you feel because you want to know each and every time the pulled their dirty little tricks, but it doesn't change the depth of the horrific disrespect he's shown you over and over and over again. This last disgusting display of low-rent behavior - acting like a bunch of hormonal teenagers and giggling their asses off getting away with murder right under your nose, is worthy of divorce ALONE, not even counting all his other affairs.

Honestly Summer, there comes a time when you have to simply fold your cards, throw them on the table, stand up, and walk away.

This is that time.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Summerluv123
♀ Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are right. We are just not well off and I am not sure we can afford a divorce right now. He has moved out and I guess we will have to pay for somewhere else for him to live. I know I cant concern myself with what he needs to do, but I have always handled the money and know what we make. We can hardly pay for this house much less anything else.

I did get to confront OW #2 and her BH. More lies and lies and lies. I don't know who to believe. No one kept texts, emails or anything else that I could see with my own eyes to know who is lying. Their stories are totally opposite from WH. She has even drug my DS into this (he is 24). I know it is stupid to quibble over she said/he said, but I have to know who is lying. WH or the OW and her BH. I still have to live here and they are our neighbors. I want to put it to rest in my own mind. Not sure if I can get past it until I do.

I do see my therapist Tuesday. Maybe she can help me sort it out. It was just all lies... I am so defeated, devastated (I know we all are here). I think the thing that hurt me the worst is that I asked him to come clean this past week. He told me a lot but not all of course. Just hurts my soul...not sure if there is really much left of me. I feel like a shell.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"We" don't have to pay for anything.. He does...He may have to get a second job..After all SS and CS may be on his plate..
It is his problem where to live..
See a lawyer and freeze the finances already and protect your own livelihood from his screw ups..
He can rent a campsite and live in a tent..Those are much cheaper than living in a hotel...
If he can't swing living in a tent than up to him to ask for his parents help for room and board...
Should not be your problem..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:44 PM, July 4th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Nov 2011
Summerluv123
♀ Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Diva~

I've been out at the cemetery talking to my Dad. I know that sounds morbid, but he was the only one that truly loved me for me - he picked me! I was adopted. I am just so lost. I have no one to talk to except for my kids - they are older (19 & 24) but should not have to deal with this.

I will call a lawyer Monday and see about a legal separation that will help with the money part. Plus I will get alimony, he makes way more than I do. We have to be separated a year in NC. So that will give us all some time to figure things out and get some very much needed help.

I somehow need to get out of this house and live away from here. With 3 foreclosures on this street doubt we will get what we owe on it. We have about 29k in debt besides the house. I think I medicated myself from my marriage problems by shopping.

Thanks for listening to me. It is nice to have a place to vent. I don't have anyone here to do that with.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously, you can't believe any of them - so don't even waste your time trying. They'll all lie to cover their own rears. Your focus needs to be on SAVING YOU. Forget the rest of them. Do what you have to do / need to do to protect yourself financially. As for your WH ? Who cares. Did he care what he was doing to you when he was screwing other women the first time ? The second time ? Who knows how many times? Not at all. So who cares what happens to him - that's his problem, not yours. Take care of you. He lost the privilege of your caring about what happens to him from now forward. (((( ))))


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Summerluv123
♀ Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all exactly right. It is just so hard after being with someone for 30 years to turn off your feelings for them. I have told him I need to focus on me and will not be texting unless its about the kids or bills. 180 is on full blast as of now. I need to show my kids I am not going to fall like a deck of cards (even though I did for a while today). I can't let them see me down. Its not good for any of us. I think I can, I think I can....


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Summer))

I know how you feel about being on a fence and the finances!

Do your best to detach from him and the other drama-mongers in your life!

Sorry this is happening to you!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2013
12yearsloyal
♀ Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate. 30 years is a long time. I am struggling with going on 13 years. So I can't imagine 30. It is easy to say leave the aye hole but harder to do it in reality. I have a friend that tells me to pull the plug but she has never been married and I tell her I have spent over a decade with my aye hole. It takes time to figure this out. I wish you peace.


Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs)
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 13

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