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User Topic: Missing DS on 4th of July...
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Sad  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He would have been home, out of the military...

Instead I have Ex that is being, shall we say, difficult, the military is being difficult, both DDs are being difficult, and I have a mountain of DS's personal affects sitting in my family room that Ex and I are at odds with what to do with it. He is into turning everything into a shrine, and I am the polar opposite.

His passing has resulted in monumental emotional turmoil all around with everyone trying to cope in their own way. Unfortunately, I am caught in the middle. I want to tell everyone to go to hell. I am tired of being in the middle. I am exhausted from working multiple jobs, but still being the glue to hold everything together for DDs. I am tired of endless interactions with Ex regarding DS issues that never seem to end, but I can't pull back as Ex will act in ways contrary to my wishes.

I am just missing DS dreadfully today, and I don't have bro to lean on either. What a vicious circle. Just incredibly sad today.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1257 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're hurting

Sending strength and (((Hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's no other way to say it. That is just heartbreaking and it sucks.
You can't be everyones glue Phoenix. Tell them all to pound sand for a bit. You are his mom, and you are hurting. You need a break.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 45263 | Registered: Sep 2006
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very sorry you're hurting. I also agree that YOU need to take care of you right now. Hugs. You've been a rock. How about you take some time for yourself just for a bit?


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jun 2007
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((phoenix)))

So sorry you're hurting extra today. It must seem never ending to you.

I hope things... I don't know... "get better" doesn't sound right... but I hope they start to sort themselves out and your burden begins to ease.

Still thinking of you daily, and amazed as ever by your courage, strength and grace. That said, it's okay to be tired, and it's okay to tell everyone you need a break from being in the middle. Take care of yourself. Please.

(((((phoenix)))))


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 1003 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
yewtree
♀ Member
Member # 16671
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Phoenix)))) I wish I could give you a real life hug and just let you cry till you are done.


Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)

Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.


Posts: 4706 | Registered: Oct 2007
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Phoenix)))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26145 | Registered: Aug 2011
jrc1963
♀ Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Phoenix)))

Do you have anyone who can step in as an intermediary between you and ex and execute your wishes so you can step back a bit and give yourself some time to grieve?

Also, if I remember, your DD's are grown or mostly grown... Can you let them just handle their own business for a while?

You need to take care of you right now, you've suffered a lot of loss recently... Not just your precious DS, but also your Brother and SIL and some extended family too.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24656 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your pain, Phoenix.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38639 | Registered: Sep 2007
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have anyone who can step in as an intermediary between you and ex and execute your wishes so you can step back a bit and give yourself some time to grieve?

Unfortunately, no.

Also, if I remember, your DD's are grown or mostly grown... Can you let them just handle their own business for a while?

It is hard when I get texts like I did last night from DD22 that say: "I miss DS mom. I can't stop crying. I want my best friend back." I am still her mom too, and I can't NOT be there for her when she is hurting. That broke my heart for her.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1257 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Phoenix, I'm so sorry. I have a 22 yr old DD, and I'm a constant source of support for her, it's just part of our mom/daughter relationship. But I can't imagine handling your own grieving and being responsible for her support at the same time - you need some leeway, and you need time to grieve for you. ((Phoenix))

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through, I have a DS20, and I can't imagine how I would deal with losing him. I know I would if I had to, but losing a child is just one of those things that we never expect to have to deal with in our lives.

Thinking of you and sending you love and support. I wish I could help in some "real" way. I'm so sorry.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4668 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((phoenix)))

no advice just hugs. you're in an awful position. you're supporting everyone else's emotional needs, who has yours? Try and find some time or someone to take care of you so you can keep doing so much for everyone else


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you're supporting everyone else's emotional needs, who has yours?

Solo act...

Try and find some time

Ya know, I did just that earlier today. Went hiking in the mountains as it was something DS and I liked to do together. Stood on a ridge, staring into the vastness, and thought/cried about DS. Unfortunately, coming down I lost my footing and took a slide, jamming my shoulder into a rock. If there is no improvement, will get x-rayed next week. Hurts like hell. That was my first ever hiking incident, but it just added to the suckiness of the day. Can't win, it would seem.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1257 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
TooAloof
♀ Member
Member # 12764
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Phoenix, just thinking about you, and all you went through. So sorry, Big Hugs to you.
Wish I had more to offer
TA


The cure for anything is Salt Water; Sweat, Tears and the Sea
Isak Dinesen

Posts: 749 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: PNW
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Phoenix))))
Ice sweetie! And gentle range of motion for the shoulder.

So so sorry.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{ Phoenix }}}

One step at a time! Wishing you and the whole Phoenix family peacefulness soon.


Posts: 1322 | Registered: Aug 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Phoenix))))


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just wondering about you Phoenix. Unbelievable what all you have been thru. I don't have any answers, but I will say I certainly understand the feeling of having to hold it all together for everyone else while trying to hold yourself together. And I have a brother that I also lean on for support, and I just can not imagine what it would feel like if he were gone too.

Continued prayers for your strength and healing.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7135 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Phoenix1)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Phoenix)))

Posts: 36429 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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