Topic: My therapist sided with my cheating husband
Member # 36889
| Posted: 7:00 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
When we did MC our first MC told us it was MY fault STBXH cheated because I shouldn't have had a friend willing to screw him. STBXH latched on to that idea and in the crazy months following DDay threw it in my face that even the MC said I was at least partly to blame.
So yeah, there are really bad therapists out there. Please find a new one ASAP before yours does more damage than good.
Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 55
| Posted: 8:25 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
Craig 2001 - I asked him exactly that and he said that it would be much worse if his wife 'fucked somebody' than if she kissed him .... I asked him if he had ever cheated but he refused to answer my question.You need to get away from this guy now.
First off, him using the word fuck is very unprofessional. And not answering if he has cheated is a pretty good indication of where his opinions are coming from.
Posts: 4029 | Registered: Jun 2002
Member # 18179
| Posted: 8:41 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
There's a difference between a licensed therapist and a SKILLED therapist....new therapist now!
If you haven't already read Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends", I highly recommend getting a copy.
You can't fill a cup with no bottom.
Posts: 3877 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Member # 43954
| Posted: 8:50 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
Thank you for all the encouragement. And I'm so shocked about all the bad therapist stories you shared. What I'm struggling with in the case of my therapist is that I've seen this guy now for a few years and he's been my rock through very, very miserable times. I mean including distress calls on Sunday when my husband was losing it and I had locked myself in the bedroom. Things like that. But I guess with my husband's infidelity we have reached a topic where he has his own issues. Or at least sees things drastically different from me. I got to figure out what to do...
Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
Member # 3703
| Posted: 8:58 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
I'm willing to bet that your counselor is a WS.
D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Posts: 3364 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 31765
| Posted: 11:01 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
About your MC/IC that you've been seeing for a long time...I understand it's uncomfortable and awkward. Think of it this way: we find out years later we never really knew our spouse. Same idea as anyone else in our life, including friends. Sometimes you just have to let go, as we're all in a different place in our life awarenesses.
I was going to say not to go back at all. But you may just tell MC on phone you don't match his perception at all with this and it's the biggest in your life. And if he cheated himself? Hmmm. Not good.
Also, my xwf's OP was a therapist!! After xwf had told me he wouldn't do MC and why it wouldn't work! Wow. When I asked him if she knew we were engaged, he said yes.
I said "she knew we were engaged?" Yes. I was shocked and quickly found my voice and said "well, what does that tell you about HER resume!!?" That shut him up. And I said "oh, she'll have alot of fun with you!" (As in, lots luck with that!)
Also, years ago I was seeing a male counselor. I was dating someone who had become jekyl/hyde with me and mean. I had broke up with him, and this boyfriend filled up my voicemail with tons of abusive verbage. I took the cassette (old fashioned) to my counselor, let him hear this cruel stuff, and he just shrugged and poo pooed it! I looked at him and never forgot his attitude. Told me tons about someone I had thought was on the same page as I for a long time. NOT. Huge learning experience for me.
I also had a first visit with a female counselor once who was snarky and said "now, why would you say THAT to f ? (pre DDay), in a condescending tone. Never forgot that one either. I knew I was very vulnerable and this person was not in my corner right away. Would not go back again as I already felt bad enough.
You must protect your brain, Tigaress. All these people out there have their own agendas.
Hang in there.
[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 11:02 AM, July 5th (Saturday)]
Posts: 808 | Registered: Apr 2011
Member # 43252
| Posted: 4:01 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
I left a therapist back in November when I was suspecting my husband was having an affair when she told me it was my job to keep the 4 year old twins quiet when he came home for work so he can relax. I said you can't control children that are excited to see their daddy. She said yes I can and its my fault if he's not happy when he comes home. I ran for the hills from that one and told her how nuts she was in so many words.
Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.
Posts: 392 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 43075
| Posted: 4:30 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
HBV,does she wear her burkah to the office, by any chance? I don't think too many Western women (i.e. western world, not western states) would agree with your counselor.
On the other hand, until Fraulein Maria appeared and ruined everything, the Von Trapp children lined up at silent attention when Capt. Von Trapp appeared.
Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 33806
| Posted: 4:33 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
New Therapist definitely..I am also betting your therapist is a WS or has misdirected anger at women in general..
2 out of the 5 therapists my WH and I have been to have done a lot of damage...
My WH latched on to their Bull sh^^2t..
One of the few things that WH and I do agree on is that a few of the therapists who we saw were totally off the rails and had no business doing marriage/couple's counseling...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:42 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]
Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite
Posts: 1193 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 43659
| Posted: 8:01 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
It seems pretty obvious to me the therapist is a WS. I mean, the therapist is saying exactly what a WS would say as the 'tip of the iceberg'!
Really sorry you had too hear that. And from a therapist you had formally trusted.
There are better ones who can help you.
me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me
Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Member # 40895
| Posted: 9:17 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
I mean including distress calls on Sunday when my husband was losing it and I had locked myself in the bedroom. ??
Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 43954
| Posted: 9:32 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
We had a few rough years in our marriage. Husband kept losing his job, which was a problem after I quit my job to go back to school. He hated that I was not working anymore and that he was unable to make a living for us. He's always been the super smart kid but can't hold down a job. I think he is depressed but he would never see a therapist, instead he blames me that I don't fulfill my duties as his wife to care for his emotional well-being. I'm not his 'best friend' he says. Some of our fights were extremely vicious, he was verbally abusive and I fought back initially but then was mostly passive, crying. He never beat me but there were some situations where I felt threatened. In situations like these, and some other crises, I could contact my therapist and he'd take the time to talk things through with me, what I could do in that situation etc. As said, he was my rock and some of my friends say that without my therapist's support my marriage would already have broken apart, for the better or worse ...
Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
Member # 6210
| Posted: 9:46 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014|
It seems like we almost need a little set of guidelines or questions to ask therapists before hiring them. It's clear many of them bring their own set of morals in to the game. And that colors how they treat people.
OP, I'm so sorry yours was not only UNempathic, but also caused more damage. That's traumatic. I agree a letter to his bosses may be in order.
Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)
Posts: 274 | Registered: Jan 2005
♀ New Member
Member # 43623
| Posted: 8:39 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
There are some great comments on here. I don't have anything to add just wanted to send you support. (((Tigaress))). It makes me angry therapists like this exist.
"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."
"Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go." - Mooji
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 26854
| Posted: 9:07 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
My husband "just kissed" and MC thought of it as cheating. Not all MC are bad
DDay - 11/4/09
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal
Posts: 1446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 21101
| Posted: 11:21 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
See here's the thing, in therapy just about anyone can hang a shingle out and say they are therapist. You need to look for one that has a degree in it at least the level of Masters, and that had dealt in infidelity issues extensively.
This joker is giving a bad name to all therapists out there.
Fire him immediately.
I asked him if he had ever cheated but he refused to answer my question.
Is the answer to your question. If he had not he would have answered.
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy
Posts: 8592 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 42650
| Posted: 11:24 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
The cheaters love to "Blame Shift"...smoke and mirrors changing the focus, and not wanting to sit and admire the work of their hands. Since your husband is willing to therapy, go back and revisit the conversation and ask him again, so did you mean...."....." when you said, "......", if you get the answer you didn't agree with. Say this, "for the sake of my marriage your fired" and walk out.
Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD
“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40
"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup
Posts: 414 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Member # 42797
| Posted: 11:30 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
First of all fire that wannabe piece of crap therapist.
Then report your therapist to the Better Business Bureau.
That therapist is NO therapist!
Makes me sick to think of how that moron therapist made you feel. What a crock of bologna!
You are wonderful and deserve better.
"Every time I stay out late; every time I sleep in; every time I miss a workout; every time I don't give 100% - I make it that much easier for him to beat me!"
Me: BS & Beautiful!
Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
|Topic Posts: 38|