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User Topic: Confronting the OP...does any good ever come of it?
JustOneMoreDay
♀ Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Struggling tonight. Who am I kidding....I am struggling every night and every day.

For three months, I have battled the urge to confront OW#1. I have played the scenario over in my head a hundred times. I won't tell you what it looks like because it's not a pretty picture.

Now I know about OW#2 and the urge to confront is huge. She is the best friend of my WS's sister and has been for twenty years. I have sat down to dinner with her. She has attended family Holidays, etc. She apologized to WS at some point and she apologized to my SIL. No apology to me. No apology to my kids. Nothing.

Has anyone ever confronted the OW and felt better afterward? I am seething with anger. Nothing is making me feel better. Help.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never have. There are 2 and im sure they would lie to me. No point in it for me

Posts: 636 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called and she lied. Said they were just friends and she had no clue abt why i was callg askg abt the nature of their relationship. I wanted to slap the taste out of her mouth thru the phone


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 270 | Registered: Mar 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh....I get it, I do.

It's chasing something that most OP's are not capable of giving.

Unless she has been to IC and understands what is wrong with her to make an affair ok she isn't going to be able to "get it". If she doesn't get it she can't help you with what you need, kwim?

At best you will get an apology full of nothing.

I confronted the OW, she was our friend.

I got lies. I got a rude "I'm sorry I went out with your husband" and a dirty look.

She broke my heart almost as much as my husband did.

And I let her continue to break it, for the next 5 years. I waited, let her invade my thoughts, live in my mind. I obsessed about her getting her karma one day. I allowed her memory and their affair to steal precious time and healing from me.

What I was finally able to do, through tons of IC and help on SI was let her go. I put her to rest and finally realized no apology from her would ever fix anything. I understand now how broken she is. I get that karma never showed up but she is living a life that is full of consequences because of the affair she had with my husband.

She is divorced, poor, living in a crappy apartment and has lost all she thought was important.

I no longer need anything from her because I have healed past her. I see the life she lives and I pity her. She is broken, lonely and sad. Understanding her broken pieces allowed me to put her to rest and actually forgive her. Not because she asked for it, but because she, like my husband, was broken.

The difference now, she decided to stay that way and the two of us went forward to heal and create a life that is wonderful. Loving, honest and open.

I am grateful for our second chance and it makes me sad to now see she never took advantage of the opportunity to learn and heal from this.

So, for me, I got nothing on the confrontation after dday.

I bumped into her a few months ago and surprisingly felt calm and forgiving.

Concentrate on you and your healing...it is really all that matters at the end of the day.

She is meaningless to your life and your future.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
JustOneMoreDay
♀ Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh. I knew what the answers were going to be before I asked. I don't actually want to ask her any questions. I just want to tell her how much I hate her. Not only is she my SIL's best friend(and will continue to be), her parents are close friends of my ILs. They are all, quite often, invited to family gatherings. OW claims it was not an affair even though they secretly met many times and they sexted and sent inappropriate FB messages. She apologized for the fact she "made a pass" at WS.

I hate her. I hate both the OW and right now, WS as well.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it depends what you're hoping to get out of it
Hoping they'll feel bad or understand your pain or regret what they've done.. it's unlikely

I emailed OW#1. I wanted to hurt her, not to get her to get it. The affair with OW1 was an emotional and physical affair. She initiated it, initiated the first sex, asked my husband to buy her stuff, and when her husband found out she used secondary means to keep in touch with my husband. When my husband tried to end it in March, she asked him if she could call him just for emergencies - which of course turned to 2x a week.

Now, my husband responded, so none of this lessens any of his responsibility. And he initiated tons in between those firsts.

She "loved" my husband and was promising to leave her husband for him. She knew about me, she asked him to see pictures of me, she asked my husband to see pictures of my kids.

I wanted to hurt her. So I emailed her and told her about OW2, that my husband was screwing OW2 in between emails to OW1. That no, OW1 was not special. I knew she didn't see me as an actual part of my husband's life, but letting her know about OW2 would hurt her. That he wasn't so enthralled with Ow1, it was just that he wanted to have an affair and she showed how easy she was.

So that's why I emailed her.

I didn't get anything out of it except that she said "I'm a fool."

I am glad that I emailed her. I am firmly convinced that, given all that she did when *her* husband found out to keep in touch with my husband,s he'd still be trying to contact my husband. She'd just assume a NC from him was me making him do it and she just needed to find a way around it. This way, though, she's hurt, and she knows the affair was just some fantasyland and she herself was nothing to him.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's chasing something that most OP's are not capable of giving.

Unless she has been to IC and understands what is wrong with her to make an affair ok she isn't going to be able to "get it". If she doesn't get it she can't help you with what you need, kwim?

It is my opinion that you don't do this in hopes they will "get it" or in expectation they will somehow help you with what you need or anything else. For me, there was value in confronting the whore to simply humiliate her and tell her what garbage she is, and why. And I felt much better after doing so, and certainly did not regret it.

I am SO GLAD I took the opportunity to do that. I have seen her since that time but never said anything. I don't have to because she is obviously afraid of me, afraid of what I will say, afraid to be humiliated. In spite of many here saying the OWS like the attention, and it gives them "power" I don't believe that is true in most cases. Most don't like to be called filthy trailer trash whores because they chase after married men, especially when they didn't end up with the man.


Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did and I did know her before the A, didn't.particularly like her. I didn't get what I wanted by confronting but it did feel somewhat satisfying to get a few things off my chest. She was merely amused and not ashamed so it didn't turn out the way I had planned.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confronted OW the day after I saw her "damning" text to my WH.

Oh, it was satisfying - she was in tears, said she couldn't help falling in love with my WH, said she would leave the workplace & wouldn't stand in our way toward R. Apologized.

I even told my WH that HE had to apologize to her for ruining her life.

It was 6 months later that I discovered the A went underground.

So although she didn't get the LAST laugh, she surely got some chuckles in the interim.

So, as others have written, I would say little good comes from contacting OW.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Nov 2013
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did. I can't say that no good came of it, but I can say that it didn't make me feel any better. I had never met the woman, so I got to SEE her. She was dead behind the eyes. A shell of a person. I don't know that she felt any guilt at all. But I got to stand up for myself. For that I am glad. But she also said one simple statement that broke my heart, "it's not like I had to twist his arm". It's true, but coming from her ugly mouth, it truly hurt me deeply.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 309 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did confront one of them, she was a very 'close' friend and no good came from it, it only made the crazy train gain speed.

The OP is not worth your time or the space in your head. NC is the only way you will heal.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did and it definitely made me feel better to tell her what a piece of garbage she was and that I wouldn't let her ruin what WH and I had built I over 20 years.

I know she feels nothing for me but I don't care. It made me feel better and I am so glad I got to say what I wanted.

I don't regret it for one minute.


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 214 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did. And it was great!!!

I'll give you some details. Morning after Dday. Kicked WH out of the house (he slept in his van in the driveway because he had nowhere to go at 1 a.m.) Anyway he leaves early in the morning and I don't know where he was going. So in my crazy head I immediately start thinking he's going to see her, so I jump in my car in my pj's (sweatpants and sweatshirt) grab my sneakers and head off to follow him. He had gotten a head start so after about 10 minutes of driving down the highway with him no where in sight I realized this was ridiculous and started driving back home. Within a few minutes he calls me, from home and asks where I am. He said that he had left to go to his sisters house but that it was too early and that they were sleeping so he was gonna go back there later.

So he asks me "where are you? are you going to HER house?" Then a light bulb goes off in my out of control brain and I think to myself "that's a great f*cking idea!!!" and so I turned the car around and headed to her house!!!

I called her husband (he was the one who contacted me the day before to tell me about the affair) and asked if she was home, He said that she had just left for work (she a crossing guard)so I head to his house and he comes outside and we talk for about 45 minutes about how my husband confessed and all the details of the night before. His wife was still denying it. We shared some information with each other and agreed to stay in contact so that we could find out what we needed to know. So anyway I drive away and suddenly it occurred to me that she works right in her hometown. So again I turn my car around and head back towards her town, I called her husband again and asked him where she was a crossing guard, and he told me!!!

(BTW,this man has no backbone...he knew off the affair for 9 months and never stopped it!! I knew for 5 hours and I got a confession!!) Anyway...so where was I....

Oh yeah, He tells me where she is. So I drive to the school she is a crossing guard at and I park my car about 100 feet away so I can get a good look at her. That was my original intention, just to see her. She btw, was a childhood friend of my H that he hadn't seen in over 20 years before the A happened....and she's ugly!!!

So here I am. At 8 am. Half crazed. In my pjs. Bloodshot eyes. Staring at OW. My heart was in my throat!!!

So I called my H and told him where I was and how I was going to beat the living shit out of this fucking whore the second she got off of work, and how I was going to enjoy every minute of it! (btw, I have never had any kind of physical altercation in my life, I'm not that person)

He was panic stricken and pleading with me not to do anything because he didn't want me to end up in jail. To which I responded "So big deal if I get in trouble for assault, I've never done anything wrong in my life, what's gonna happen, I have to pay a fine? I don't care, its worth it"

He was terrified. I was loving it. (I sound crazy right, I'm really not)

OK, OK, So in my head I'm thinking. I have to confront this whore and say something to her, I HAVE TOO!!!!

So I plan out in my head what I'm going to say to her, I knew that I wouldn't lay a hand on her. But I did however want her to think I was crazy!!!

I did tell you that I'm not crazy right, I'm really not!! I was just so full of every emotion imaginable and I had been up for the past 30 hours.

Soo, She gets into her car and drives back to her house. I follow. My heart pounding. My head spinning. My knuckles white on the steering wheel.
She pulls up to her house, opens the car door steps out...I jump out of my car and like a crazed lunatic head straight up her driveway towards her and start screaming "Hey _________, The next time you decide to fuck someone elses husband, you'd better make damn sure his wife's not a fucking psychopath!!!"
She just looked at me like "whatever" OMG!!! I wanted to rip her face off....I continued to scream in her face about how she was a whore and how she should be ashamed of herself and that she better watch her back because I will be there.....all the while her husband was cowering in the doorway...so then I turn my attention to him and yell "and YOU, you allowed this to go on and did nothing about it?? I have bigger balls than you??"....I then proceeded to yell out for all her neighbors to hear, with my hands cupped around my mouth to project my voice further...."________ is a whore and she has been fucking my husband ______ for the last 9 months"

I'm sure that made for interesting talk at the dinner tables of her neighbors homes that evening.

I yelled a few more choice words at her, told her how pathetic her and my husband both are and how "I cant believe how fucking ugly you are" and then jumped in my car and headed back home, feeling pretty good about myself.

Childish? probably. Wreckless? I'm sure. Gratifying. ABSOLUTLEY!!!!

I definitely felt like I did what I needed to do. It gave me a sense of control over a situation I had no control over. I sometime wish that I had just grabbed her and given her real taste of my anger.

I sent her a few texts days afterwards, I told her how broken my family was and how devastated my children were and how she was a pathetic excuse for a wife and a mother and how she owed it to her husband to tell him the truth. She hung onto her lies with him for weeks following.

I definitely felt closure. I have no desire to contact her anymore, or to talk to her husband. They have their own shit to dig through now.

My sense of control was only temporary. Because we all know how this story goes from here. Now the aftermath begins.

I am changed forever.

At least I told that Bitch how I felt.


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
JustOneMoreDay
♀ Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so conflicted. Physically Confronting either of them would involve travel and confronting OW#1 would be pointless, I think. She outed the affair by contacting me at work and then inflicted as much pain as possible via email. However, OW2 seems to be the one who ended the A because she felt it was wrong. She says it was not an affair though. My SIL, btw, also says it was not an affair. WS actually apologized to her for putting her in this position and she told him he had nothing to apologize for and that it wasn't his fault.

I realize that it all falls on WS's shoulders but it makes me super angry that there are people just going through life inflictin pain on others....SIL included.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For awhile..I admit...I wanted to confront the slut. Long back story. So glad I didn't get in the mud with the pig.

Then started reading her multitude of self indulgent narcissistic blogs online. Yes...multitude!! It was all about the ego boost for her pathtic life. It wasn't enough of a high to get a MM to screw her, she needed a whole plethera of virtual OW/OM to share the experience with. So they could virtually pat each other on back and high-five each other. It is sickening but there is a whole underbelly that actually encourage this behaviour. OW was putting her story there before she got her panties back on...oh yeah...she doesn't wear them...my bad!! She portrayed herself as 'the one' for him and me as crazy and slanderous. Last time I checked calling a slut a slut on an anonymous forum wasn't slander....its called TRUTHFUL! Obviously OW wouldnt know truth if it ran her over.
Conveniently left out parts of 'the story' that would make her look bad (like going after H when I was ill and couldn't be intimate....then blog how I wasn't having sex with him for months when it was like only 6 weeks b/c of dr orders while I was recovering) Loved how many people still saw through her and called her on her shit! She just moved to another board that stroked the ego. (Yeah...i obsessed for a number of months i hate to admit) I could go on and on but you get the picture. Most of these lowlifes are unremorseful POSs who will just get entertainment value out of the confrontation.

I know karma will come around. Maybe sooner than later. Cases are being relooked at after local story showed PD had habit of looking other way on some things. So who knows what may happen. I have maintained my dignity and am so glad I did . I can look at myself in the mirror each day without regret.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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