I am angry at myself. I have long, detailed 'fantasies' of catching him in the act and how I would react, completely devastating his life. He told me, because she was pregnant. It would have gone on for years, I am sure, if that cold reality hadn't splashed water on his face.
It's like that movie 'Sliding Doors'. I am sure I would never have recovered in my marriage if I had walked in on him - and I am glad for the H I have now - but I am really stuck here. It's like I replay it all over and over again, but this time I have control of the events.
I'm sure this is common. Anyone have thoughts on how I can move through this? It feels like I am constantly in a self-inflicted Dday.
Shoulda woulda coulda only keeps us in the same emotional stagnancy and is unhealthy. I still do this from time to time but it is helpful for me to stop myself immediately, and then remind myself that whatever shoulda/woulda/coulda I could even come up with, would not have prevented the main one: it was only a matter of time before this happened, stopping it earlier would have gained me nothing but amnesty for a few weeks/months/years/whatever. The path we are on now is the only path we could have walked given the tools in our toolbox; we did not know then what we know now, and neither did our partners. What matters more is what we do with the time now.
The kicker is, I was given information and confirmed he was having an A. I drove out and confronted him and her. Destroyed his lies about our "sexless" life (we had slept together less than 48 hours before the confrontation).
I caused a huge fight for them, then she conceived days later, undoubtedly during their own "makeup sex".
As betrayed spouses, I do not believe in destiny or fate, but sometimes there is nothing we can do. Only a WS controls their behavior. We have to cut ourselves some slack.
It is so painful, isn't it? I wish I had found SI so much sooner... after the first DDay. But I didn't. I did everything "wrong", but I did the best I knew how to do at the time. Such a brutal way to learn life lessons. But I am wiser, stronger and more honest with myself than I have ever been. I guess I am proud of that.
How do I deal with this?
I accept my own limitations and my own ignorance.
Limitations in the form of FOO coping skills and CoD tendencies tied to them.
Ignorance in that I honestly never thought my wife could choose that.....maybe I could see her hurting me but never see her jeopardizing and hurting our girls or another family with kids. I held tight to the false belief that "men cheat, women dont". That helped me stay ignorant to the reality that exists.
Then, after accepting those things I work on changing MY choices. I regularly put one of my girls in my position...envision them at my age going to choose as I want to. If I have a "oh shit!" moment I stop and restart that exercise. I do this until I find a choice I would be proud of my girl for making.
I take comfort in changing my choices.
In short I have given up all hope of a better past and try to live in the present as often as I can.
I may not be where I want to be but thank God I am not where I was!
I am not "all better" but I am most certainly better.
Take comfort also in the fact that your stumble was done within the marital bounds.....a waywards stumble is intentionally and repeatedly done outside of them, with another person. 2 minds better than one? Only possible in a M, not in an affair.
He has been so great, right from the start, about taking full responsibility for it. He said it was inevitable, based on his life coping strategies. He said nothing I could have done would have stopped it; delayed it, maybe. It was not my fault. But I still feel it anyway - that I was the one who was supposed to keep this from happening. Like he was some kind of wild thing that I believed was domesticated, and was floored when I turned my back and he ripped my neck off. Crazy. I didn't tell him I wanted the pots put in a different cupboard because I thought it might drive him to cheat. Blah.
I'm so glad I'm not in THAT marriage any more, but at the time I thought we were incredibly happy.
What doesn't kill me, scars me.
[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 8:33 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]
I do believe, on some level, that the timing was what it was 'supposed' to be. It's just hard to live with. I haven't quite made peace with it yet. I am trying to live my life forward, not looking through the rear view mirror. But sometimes it just overwhelms me. I am hoping that is another one of those things that time and distance will give clarity to.