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User Topic: i need affection sooo badly! what can i do to get that from him?
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since we are trying to R you would think he would be more loving and connected but he's not at all. In fact i am so desperate for a hug and kiss from him that it's making me depressed. I am the type of person who needs physical contact and intimacy. I love hugs, kisses and cuddling. I miss that so much. He never kisses and hugs me anymore. Every once in a while he will put his arm around me when we are laying in bed, but i need more...i need to feel loved and i've expressed this to him many times hoping he'd make an effort, especially after his EA i just need reassurance that i'm still what he wants and who he loves. He used to be so great at showing me affection and was always hugging me and kissing me or holding my hand and now nothing....

I am craving these things so badly. I sometimes find myself just staring at him from across our living room and fighting back the urge to go over and crawl onto his lap and snuggling up to him and kissing him. It has been so long since i've felt like i mean something to him. I miss him even though he's right next to me. I want to just be held, it sounds so damn cheesy but i just need some attention. Its so bad that i cry myself to sleep some nights just wishing he would whisper "love you" in my ear like he used to right before i fell asleep and he'd wrap his arms around me and i would feel so safe and loved. It's the simple things i miss most. I have this lump in my throat all day just wondering when i'll get that back, if ever...

I was making coffee this morning and for a minute i thought it was going to be the day...he smiled when he walked into the kitchen and put his arm around me...well so i thought, but actually he was reaching around me to grab the cereal from the shelf. That small teency tiny bit of hope ruined my whole day. I sat down at the kitchen table and tears flowed with no sound. They just kept pouring from my eyes and i couldnt stop them. I was in a pitty me mood all day. I just kept crying every so often without any control over it. I'm sure being pregnant doesnt help me at all right now. I seem to have a lot of whiny bitch moments (i dont let him see me hurt though). Sometimes i do want to cry in front of him instead of hide, but i dont want him to see me hurting because i'm sure he'd brush it off as "weak" or "childish" ...but damn...i am hurting. I am deprived of love so bad that it is killing me.

Any suggestions on what i can do without "pressuring" him to do these things again or how i should continue? Do i just keep hiding my meltdown moments and continue to keep strong and just hope and pray? Or do i try talking to him about this again and if so what do i even say?

Thanks in advance to anybody who reads this...i'm just hurting so bad and i cant handle this anymore.

[This message edited by missingmyhubby at 7:49 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest question: how are you in R when you cannot let your WS see your pain? Pain that comes because of his deceitful behavior? Have you told him what you *need* from him?


I wish I could give you that hug. You need to let him see your pain, and tell him what you need. Then if you are in true R he needs to step up and help you through this.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
TimeToGo2014
♀ Member
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hugs)). I feel your desperation in all of your messages. To be honest, it's breaking my heart a little to see you pine away after someone who has hurt you so badly and continues to withhold love and compassion. If you are in R, then what do you think of his behavior towards you? Is he acting in a way that will heal the pain he's caused you and the marriage? Or are you just do desperate to keep him in your presence that you'll put up with whatever he'll feed you?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2014
TimeToGo2014
♀ Member
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hugs)). I feel your desperation in all of your messages. To be honest, it's breaking my heart a little to see you pine away after someone who has hurt you so badly and continues to withhold love and compassion. If you are in R, then what do you think of his behavior towards you? Is he acting in a way that will heal the pain he's caused you and the marriage? Or are you just do desperate to keep him in your presence that you'll put up with whatever he'll feed you?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your husband remorseful? Because this does not sound like it.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had something to comfort you, unfortunately I'm in a mess myself. I do want to tell you that I've read your post and that I understand, and I'm sorry.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, it's complicated. He doesn't want to D and either do I. But he makes no effort in showing me that i mean anything to him, other than the fact that he stopped going out. I was told to not let him see that it bothers me and more so act like i dont care and that i am fine. But, it doesnt seem to matter. I have told him that i need more love and affection and he seems to hear it loud and clear, but i have yet to see any change.

I just dont know what i can say without coming off as "naggy". I dont want him to start doing these things again because he feels pressured, but i dont know what to do. I just need a hug or a kiss...hell..even if he held my hand or gave me a lil sweet gesture. I just need some reassurance. I feel so needy, but shit.. I AM!!
I feel so nervous and scared to even try and hug him. I get the courage and right before i'm about to my mind says "dont" and i start questioning myself and play the what if game in my head "what if he doesnt want me to hug him" "what if it's awkward"? Etc...

By the way, this is SO not our norm...we are usually the couple we cant stop touching each other. So to go from tons of love to nothing, really hurts..


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, it's complicated. He doesn't want to D and either do I. But he makes no effort in showing me that i mean anything to him, other than the fact that he stopped going out. I was told to not let him see that it bothers me and more so act like i dont care and that i am fine. But, it doesnt seem to matter. I have told him that i need more love and affection and he seems to hear it loud and clear, but i have yet to see any change.

I just dont know what i can say without coming off as "naggy". I dont want him to start doing these things again because he feels pressured, but i dont know what to do. I just need a hug or a kiss...hell..even if he held my hand or gave me a lil sweet gesture. I just need some reassurance. I feel so needy, but shit.. I AM!!
I feel so nervous and scared to even try and hug him. I get the courage and right before i'm about to my mind says "dont" and i start questioning myself and play the what if game in my head "what if he doesnt want me to hug him" "what if it's awkward"? Etc...

By the way, this is SO not our norm...we are usually the couple we cant stop touching each other. So to go from tons of love to nothing, really hurts..


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not wanting to D does not equal remorseful. Has he done ANYTHING to show that he wants you or this M?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesnt show affection, but is involved with us again. We did a family camping trip 2 weeks ago, last weekend we did a few fun things with the kids and yesterday we had a fourth of july party and he had been great with spending time with us and being here, but as far as affection goes usually once a week he initiates sex, which is usually pretty intimate versus "a quick lay" ...but still...i need daily affection. Not just good sex once a week.


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
SMSA925
♀ Member
Member # 43955
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are going thru this, especially at a time when your life should be filled with joy and your H should be doing eveything to keep you happy and healthy. Do you think he knows that you are missing your "connection"? Maybe he is feeling the same way as you but doesnt want to get you upset. You guys need to find a way to communicate.


Me: BS; 55
Him: WH 61
Together 32 yrs, Married 20
DDay April 17, 2014

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Phila. PA
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was the A an EA as well?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have told him how i feel, perhaps he's afraid of making "the move" to go in and hug and kiss me too. Idk...this all seems so silly. But it's hard and it hurts.

And yes, his affair was an "EA only" as far as i know. Not a PA apparently. Who knows these days. They are all equally as sickening to me.


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is possible that he is going through withdrawal from her, and that is why he is not connecting with you. In his head, he is still connected to her.

You need to decide what you want here. If you are willing to put up with this from him, then keep up. If not, then tell him you aren't willing to live like this, he either steps up in showing you that he wants to save the marriage or you will D him. And you have to mean this when you say it. Have you seen a L yet?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What he is doing to you is not right. I am sorry you are going through this


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is going to sound so harsh but I would file. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your days? Filing doesn't mean you have to divorce - perhaps it will wake him up. But, if it doesn't, you need to be prepared to follow through on the divorce.

Your posts are so sad. I don't know how you can stand it, living this way. I think if any changes are to come about it's going to have to be from you. And if the reaction you would like to see doesn't happen, what have you lost?


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post makes me very sad because I've been where you are. It's like they are so close, yet so far. I Remember lying in bed and wanting to just crawl inside of him, worm my way in next to him, then he would turn and face the wall. I had a lump in my throat for 2 yrs. It's rejection, its cruel, its not any way shape or form, remorseful. My ws started doing family things again but our intimacy was nada. I want to say this as gently as I can but are you sure he is NC with ow? My ws had gone undergrround, it took me over 2 long and lonely years to confirm it. He didn't want a D either, begged me to let him stay in fact.
I hope I'm wrong, I really do. It could be that he feels awkward now, maybe that you may reject him but it doesn't sound like you are giving those vibes since your obviously craving some sort of attention from him. Talk to him please, tell him you
feel. I hope this is just lack of communication and things will get better for you.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When was the last time he had sex with you?

Are you sure he is NC with OW?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a huge red flag. Something isn't right and you need to find out what is going on. There's something, to be sure. And the advice you got to not let him see you're hurting--that's terrible advice. Don't follow it.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not wanting to divorce is NOT the same as wanting the marriage. It sounds like he may want to stay for convenience, but is not interested in doing what it takes to truly reconcile.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Feb 2010
Topic Posts: 50
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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