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i need affection sooo badly! what can i do to get that from him?

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missingmyhubby posted 7/5/2014 19:47 PM

Since we are trying to R you would think he would be more loving and connected but he's not at all. In fact i am so desperate for a hug and kiss from him that it's making me depressed. I am the type of person who needs physical contact and intimacy. I love hugs, kisses and cuddling. I miss that so much. He never kisses and hugs me anymore. Every once in a while he will put his arm around me when we are laying in bed, but i need more...i need to feel loved and i've expressed this to him many times hoping he'd make an effort, especially after his EA i just need reassurance that i'm still what he wants and who he loves. He used to be so great at showing me affection and was always hugging me and kissing me or holding my hand and now nothing....

I am craving these things so badly. I sometimes find myself just staring at him from across our living room and fighting back the urge to go over and crawl onto his lap and snuggling up to him and kissing him. It has been so long since i've felt like i mean something to him. I miss him even though he's right next to me. I want to just be held, it sounds so damn cheesy but i just need some attention. Its so bad that i cry myself to sleep some nights just wishing he would whisper "love you" in my ear like he used to right before i fell asleep and he'd wrap his arms around me and i would feel so safe and loved. It's the simple things i miss most. I have this lump in my throat all day just wondering when i'll get that back, if ever...

I was making coffee this morning and for a minute i thought it was going to be the day...he smiled when he walked into the kitchen and put his arm around me...well so i thought, but actually he was reaching around me to grab the cereal from the shelf. That small teency tiny bit of hope ruined my whole day. I sat down at the kitchen table and tears flowed with no sound. They just kept pouring from my eyes and i couldnt stop them. I was in a pitty me mood all day. I just kept crying every so often without any control over it. I'm sure being pregnant doesnt help me at all right now. I seem to have a lot of whiny bitch moments (i dont let him see me hurt though). Sometimes i do want to cry in front of him instead of hide, but i dont want him to see me hurting because i'm sure he'd brush it off as "weak" or "childish" ...but damn...i am hurting. I am deprived of love so bad that it is killing me.

Any suggestions on what i can do without "pressuring" him to do these things again or how i should continue? Do i just keep hiding my meltdown moments and continue to keep strong and just hope and pray? Or do i try talking to him about this again and if so what do i even say?

Thanks in advance to anybody who reads this...i'm just hurting so bad and i cant handle this anymore.

[This message edited by missingmyhubby at 7:49 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]

PurpleRose posted 7/5/2014 19:52 PM

Honest question: how are you in R when you cannot let your WS see your pain? Pain that comes because of his deceitful behavior? Have you told him what you *need* from him?


I wish I could give you that hug. You need to let him see your pain, and tell him what you need. Then if you are in true R he needs to step up and help you through this.

TimeToGo2014 posted 7/5/2014 20:12 PM

((Hugs)). I feel your desperation in all of your messages. To be honest, it's breaking my heart a little to see you pine away after someone who has hurt you so badly and continues to withhold love and compassion. If you are in R, then what do you think of his behavior towards you? Is he acting in a way that will heal the pain he's caused you and the marriage? Or are you just do desperate to keep him in your presence that you'll put up with whatever he'll feed you?

TimeToGo2014 posted 7/5/2014 20:12 PM

((Hugs)). I feel your desperation in all of your messages. To be honest, it's breaking my heart a little to see you pine away after someone who has hurt you so badly and continues to withhold love and compassion. If you are in R, then what do you think of his behavior towards you? Is he acting in a way that will heal the pain he's caused you and the marriage? Or are you just do desperate to keep him in your presence that you'll put up with whatever he'll feed you?

tired girl posted 7/5/2014 20:21 PM

Is your husband remorseful? Because this does not sound like it.

Girlietoo posted 7/5/2014 20:25 PM

I wish I had something to comfort you, unfortunately I'm in a mess myself. I do want to tell you that I've read your post and that I understand, and I'm sorry.

missingmyhubby posted 7/5/2014 20:42 PM

I know, it's complicated. He doesn't want to D and either do I. But he makes no effort in showing me that i mean anything to him, other than the fact that he stopped going out. I was told to not let him see that it bothers me and more so act like i dont care and that i am fine. But, it doesnt seem to matter. I have told him that i need more love and affection and he seems to hear it loud and clear, but i have yet to see any change.

I just dont know what i can say without coming off as "naggy". I dont want him to start doing these things again because he feels pressured, but i dont know what to do. I just need a hug or a kiss...hell..even if he held my hand or gave me a lil sweet gesture. I just need some reassurance. I feel so needy, but shit.. I AM!!
I feel so nervous and scared to even try and hug him. I get the courage and right before i'm about to my mind says "dont" and i start questioning myself and play the what if game in my head "what if he doesnt want me to hug him" "what if it's awkward"? Etc...

By the way, this is SO not our norm...we are usually the couple we cant stop touching each other. So to go from tons of love to nothing, really hurts..

missingmyhubby posted 7/5/2014 20:42 PM

I know, it's complicated. He doesn't want to D and either do I. But he makes no effort in showing me that i mean anything to him, other than the fact that he stopped going out. I was told to not let him see that it bothers me and more so act like i dont care and that i am fine. But, it doesnt seem to matter. I have told him that i need more love and affection and he seems to hear it loud and clear, but i have yet to see any change.

I just dont know what i can say without coming off as "naggy". I dont want him to start doing these things again because he feels pressured, but i dont know what to do. I just need a hug or a kiss...hell..even if he held my hand or gave me a lil sweet gesture. I just need some reassurance. I feel so needy, but shit.. I AM!!
I feel so nervous and scared to even try and hug him. I get the courage and right before i'm about to my mind says "dont" and i start questioning myself and play the what if game in my head "what if he doesnt want me to hug him" "what if it's awkward"? Etc...

By the way, this is SO not our norm...we are usually the couple we cant stop touching each other. So to go from tons of love to nothing, really hurts..

tired girl posted 7/5/2014 20:52 PM

Not wanting to D does not equal remorseful. Has he done ANYTHING to show that he wants you or this M?

missingmyhubby posted 7/5/2014 21:09 PM

He doesnt show affection, but is involved with us again. We did a family camping trip 2 weeks ago, last weekend we did a few fun things with the kids and yesterday we had a fourth of july party and he had been great with spending time with us and being here, but as far as affection goes usually once a week he initiates sex, which is usually pretty intimate versus "a quick lay" ...but still...i need daily affection. Not just good sex once a week.

SMSA925 posted 7/5/2014 21:19 PM

I am so sorry you are going thru this, especially at a time when your life should be filled with joy and your H should be doing eveything to keep you happy and healthy. Do you think he knows that you are missing your "connection"? Maybe he is feeling the same way as you but doesnt want to get you upset. You guys need to find a way to communicate.

tired girl posted 7/5/2014 21:19 PM

Was the A an EA as well?

missingmyhubby posted 7/5/2014 21:41 PM

I have told him how i feel, perhaps he's afraid of making "the move" to go in and hug and kiss me too. Idk...this all seems so silly. But it's hard and it hurts.

And yes, his affair was an "EA only" as far as i know. Not a PA apparently. Who knows these days. They are all equally as sickening to me.

tired girl posted 7/5/2014 21:55 PM

It is possible that he is going through withdrawal from her, and that is why he is not connecting with you. In his head, he is still connected to her.

You need to decide what you want here. If you are willing to put up with this from him, then keep up. If not, then tell him you aren't willing to live like this, he either steps up in showing you that he wants to save the marriage or you will D him. And you have to mean this when you say it. Have you seen a L yet?

tired girl posted 7/5/2014 22:07 PM

What he is doing to you is not right. I am sorry you are going through this

cissi posted 7/5/2014 22:33 PM

This is going to sound so harsh but I would file. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your days? Filing doesn't mean you have to divorce - perhaps it will wake him up. But, if it doesn't, you need to be prepared to follow through on the divorce.

Your posts are so sad. I don't know how you can stand it, living this way. I think if any changes are to come about it's going to have to be from you. And if the reaction you would like to see doesn't happen, what have you lost?

Ostrich80 posted 7/6/2014 03:26 AM

This post makes me very sad because I've been where you are. It's like they are so close, yet so far. I Remember lying in bed and wanting to just crawl inside of him, worm my way in next to him, then he would turn and face the wall. I had a lump in my throat for 2 yrs. It's rejection, its cruel, its not any way shape or form, remorseful. My ws started doing family things again but our intimacy was nada. I want to say this as gently as I can but are you sure he is NC with ow? My ws had gone undergrround, it took me over 2 long and lonely years to confirm it. He didn't want a D either, begged me to let him stay in fact.
I hope I'm wrong, I really do. It could be that he feels awkward now, maybe that you may reject him but it doesn't sound like you are giving those vibes since your obviously craving some sort of attention from him. Talk to him please, tell him you
feel. I hope this is just lack of communication and things will get better for you.

confused615 posted 7/6/2014 06:42 AM

When was the last time he had sex with you?

Are you sure he is NC with OW?

cantgetup posted 7/6/2014 07:25 AM

This is a huge red flag. Something isn't right and you need to find out what is going on. There's something, to be sure. And the advice you got to not let him see you're hurting--that's terrible advice. Don't follow it.

Whalers11 posted 7/6/2014 07:42 AM

Not wanting to divorce is NOT the same as wanting the marriage. It sounds like he may want to stay for convenience, but is not interested in doing what it takes to truly reconcile.

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