I am so sorry you're going thru this. He's withholding. For whatever reason he's doing this, it 's a sick place for you to be in. Really wears you down in every way. No wonder you've been crying.
I agree with the others.
You need to decide what you want here. If you are willing to put up with this from him, then keep up. If not, then tell him you aren't willing to live like this, he either steps up in showing you that he wants to save the marriage or you will D him. And you have to mean this when you say it. Have you seen a L yet?
I was sick during xwf's A. He would not tell me how much he loved me when I actually asked him. He was crickets. It was hurtful. But at the time I somewhat minimized it and let it slide. He did it again. It and more made me feel needy. Embarassed myself. After DD I really felt the pain he caused by this one thing alone, much less all the other cruel things xwf did.
This might help to stop the stem of pain you get from his withholding: 180. Don't even expect or hope to get anything from him. And don't give it to him either unrequested. Detach.
Actually, I'd have a hard time sleeping in the same bed with ws til he came out of this behavior, if ever.
Save your love and energy for loving yourself and others that know how to care and will reciprocate.
Sending you a virtual hug missingmyhubby.
And yes, red flag.
Listen to your own words...his behavior is not his normal behavior. He has detached. There is a reason for this. As another poster commented he may be feeling guilty being with you because he's emotionally connected to someone else still.
I wish you could muster up every bit of strength you have and make decisions for your own healing and not wait for him, hoping he'll suddenly find remorse and the true desire to support you and help you heal.
Give your requirements and consequences, and one of them should absolutely be counseling, despite his negative views on it that you've described in a previous posts. That is another cop out and more proof that he's not willing to dk whatever it takes.
I'm sorry you are hurting, lonely and confused. Please don't make that list include being walked in and taken for granted.
All if your advice is very much appreciated. It's like it's so obvious what i need to do, but i'm such a push-over...i hate how much i love this man. I really wish i could muster up the courage to at least file, but i feel like if i do that, then "I" will be the one who "gave up" or "walked out" on our M. He has a way of flipping things to make it my fault and i already know how it's going to go. And then if at any point we did decide to get back on track, i would have to deal with the "abandonment" being thrown in my face, or hear how i "gave up and left". Idk..this is all so much to handle when you have a full time job, 3 kids, 2 animals and a house to take care of, not to mention being pregnant and utterly exhausted. I feel like my head is going to spin into space at any moment.
Scary part of all this is, i find myself thinking lately "why am i letting myself be put through this, i could find someone who WILL love me and ONLY ME" ...but then at the same time the thought of being with anybody else makes me sick to my stomach. I could never love anybody else, he is the only man i want. But i do know that if i tried i could have a decent guy, i am not unattractive...i just dont want anybody else. I simply want him..and only him..forever :-(
And I'm sorry also because, and gently, this seems like a red flag to me. I lived it, for quite some time, until it ate me alive.
What's happening to you is what happened to me and when finally, Perv would not meet me in the middle, it was the realization for me that his passive aggressiveness was causing it-probably, the counselors said-and in this way, he was forcing the decision on me. I'm not suggesting that your H is doing the same, in no way, shape or form, just giving an example that you are not alone, though it feels alone in it's solitude.
It also seems like -also gently, because I did it-that you care more for him than you do for you. I did this too and it also ate me alive. I don't want to say it wasted my time, because I had to have proof it was truly over-not words other people were saying. I had to arrive at the sordid conclusion myself and only then could I move on, at a turtle's pace, for I was also pregnant.
I worry for you though only know you through cyberspace, but hope that you will reach a decision soon and allow yourself to care for you.
One thing that I neglected to remember, too, is that my kids needed me and I felt a little like I let them down during the time I fell so far down I literally couldn't get up from the depression he caused.
I hope there is a way that you will be able to gain your personal power back and not let this beat you to the ground. It's awful.
Yes, I also agree with the other posts that it seems time to find out what you want. To try to think less about him and more about yourself, children and family.
If he is withholding, he may still be involved-sorry-with the ow or not yet recovered from it if he isn't, which either way, isn't fair to you.
So much of ourselves we lose to this and I wish you small periods of light to see through the darkness. I'm sorry.
But...I'm glad you're posting and questioning it.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I don't know your history, or why you did the 180. I do think the 180 can be detrimental if your goal is to reconcile and you have a remorseful H. Then, you are detached, and he is expected to connect? How does that work? It must feel like an elaborate test to the wayward.
I suggest you both get a copy of Hold Me Tight, and read it together. See if you can work this out. If you can't, you can't. But, sitting around and waiting for someone to show affection simply will not work. He may not be feeling it, he may be suppressing it, he may not know why he is having a hard time doing it. But, talking about it is key.
So i have tried small things, but it doesnt seem to get the ball rollin' ...i have gotten to the point where i dont see the point of trying if he doesnt return the love, thus leading to this situation i'm in...
It is obvious that he has detached. Y
This behavior does not fix itself, trust me on this. It gets colder. Can you live like this? It's not a thing he's going through, its not about you, but i truly believe he has detached from you. I'm living this as,we,speak and I had to finally detach myself because it was killing me inside.
I agree with the consensus that he has detached. Unfortunately, that won't turn around unless he wants it to. If he knows that you are looking for attention and affection and he refuses to give it, there is a reason. He either resents you and the marriage for busting his fantasy bubble or he's still in that bubble. Either way, he's not 100% in the marriage.
I'm sorry to say that the only thing you can do is draw your line in the sand and stick to the consequences if he crosses it. Otherwise, you will live a life devoid of intimacy and affection from the one person who promised to always give it.
It seems kinda fishy,, like he's still detached from you. Is he still with her?? Do you have any $$ to hire a PI? They are all hurting for $$. I went to an atty for a free consult and he told me whom to hire. They would put a tracker on OW car and my WS's truck and take it off every day or so, so that it wouldn't be found. Then, put it back on. It was gonna cost 500 or so. I didn't have the $$ so I couldn't do it. But someone else I know used this guy and he got fantastic pictures from way across a walmart parking lot with a special camera. (The 2 trackers were both in the same parking lot, so the PI went out there).
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
However, since i am much better with expressing my feelings behind a keyboard rather than face to face (terrible i know), i did send him a text tonight while he was at the store expressing that i am tired of being treated like his live in nanny or baby momma. That i am his wife and that i expect to be treated like a wife. I told him if these are requirements that he feels he no longer wants to fulfill then he can go ahead and "file" (a term i felt safer saying). I also stated that these are things i need and by marrying me he promised to love me and show me love for forever. Not just when it is convenient for him and that i am feeling neglected where we are currently standing.
I dont know if i should have sent that. Part of me feels i needed to express it one last time, and part of me feels like he should fricken know this shit already. But its said and done and i have yet to receive a reply.
Too add i did throw in there somewhere that i did deserve better than what he is offering at the moment and that i would not be allow him to treat me as though i cant and dont deserve better.
I have to follow through with this statement i've laid down for him now...that is by far the hardest part. I am praying for the strength and courage i need to do so.
Thanks for all the advice and concern. I know i have a lot of work ahead of me.
I have to follow through with this statement i've laid down for him now...that is by far the hardest part.
So very true. But in laying things on the line, you've done exactly the right thing. It seems to me that either your husband's affection lies elsewhere, or he is suffering from depression. Or both.
I would urge you not stay in a marriage where your husband shows you no affection. However much you love him now, if you accept this treatment long-term, you are certain to have a very unhappy life. I know several women who have endured marriages devoid of any physical sign of affection. One, is a relative, very dear to me, who spent almost two decades in such a marriage. Not because of an affair, but because her husband was suffering from severe depression and refused to get medical treatment, blaming her for his ills. Not only did it almost destroy her, but it also had a very damaging effect on her children.
It is perfectly natural to expect a degree of warmth and physical demonstrativeness from one's partner. In my opinion, the withholding of it is emotional abuse. I wish my relative had not put up with it for so long. And I weep for the years of misery and stress that she and her children endured, Please don't let it happen to you.
[This message edited by Cally60 at 12:54 PM, July 7th (Monday)]
You need to emotionally detach. You are pining away for something that your WH is not going to willingly give you. He detached from you a LONG time ago before he started his A. The balance is off in your M because he isn't there emotionally. In order to restore just enough balance so you can get your footing you need to detach as well. By emotionally detaching from your WH you put yourself on a somewhat level playing field. Once you detach it gets so much easier to truly see your situation for what it is. Is he doing the bare minimum, is he scared to make a move, is he just flat out unremorseful? These are things you can't tell because you are still emotionally invested in your WH and your M. Your mind knows but yoru heart is getting in the way. Your old M is dead and gone and until you detach emotionally from your WH you aren't going to make sound decisions and your pain will continue.
For some BS's our WS's become emotional crutches for us after Dday. We can't let go of the old memories so instead of walking on our own we continually lean on them even if they do nothing but the bare minimum to hold us up. Detach and start living your life for yourself. You need to implement the 180 again and figure out what you want in life. Your WH is showing you exactly who he is right now. You TOLD him what you needed and he will NOT give it to you. Believe him and start making decisions on your own.
You want to figure out if he is capable of being the man you thought you married then implement a hard 180, and figure out what you want. When you fall off the horse start it right back up again. This ends when you say it does. IMO, detach, go see a L and figure out what your rights are. What you are living is not a normal loving relationship/marriage. Do you want to be roommates or "friends" with benefits instead of spouses for the rest of your life? Time to make some hard choices about what you want and what's best for you. You don't NEED your husband for affection. Learn how to love yourself. What if he decides to file for D and leave. You still have the need for affection but you must learn to be okay by yourself.
Don't be surprised if after you file or seriously start the 180 he magically starts showing you affection. He will do it to get you back in line and after you call off the D or go back to "normal" he will start withholding again. You can't change your WH, you can't make him do anything. He has to do that himself and he doesn't seem capable from your posts. you have a long life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it being miserable wishing the person that is literally 3 feet from you all the time would pay more attention to you? You deserve more than he is willing or able to give. You can't change him, you can't control him. The only thing you ever had control over was yourself and your own actions. Please remember DETACH means...
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:45 PM, July 7th (Monday)]
It is perfectly natural to expect a degree of warmth and physical demonstrativeness from one's partner. In my opinion, the withholding of it is emotional abuse.
I agree with the advice about detaching. It is really unhealthy to continue this dynamic.