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i need affection sooo badly! what can i do to get that from him?

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7yrsflushed posted 7/7/2014 14:38 PM

my problem is the 180...as soon as i follow it, he notices and lures me back in enough to where i fall off track. I need to stay on my horse and keep riding forward.
Many, if not all of us had the same problem. I know I did. Don't be hard on yourself. Just remember to take it one day at a time and focus on you. I couldn't do a straight 180. I modified it to meet my needs. I started with ONE thing and built from there. I started with NC at work. I needed contact from her and would freak out if I didn't talk to her during the day, especially since her A was with a coworker. I was done and filed I needed to detach. Step one was no longer calling her at work. The first few days I felt like a drug addict that needed a hit. I literally would stare at the phone thinking why hasn't she called. I would almost call but I wouldn't. Her not calling was more proof to me that I was doing the right thing. After a few days guess what happened, yep, she started calling me but I refused to answer the phone. In the evenings, I would just tell her work was busy. Not anwering the phone was not punishment for her it was me freeing myself. After I got the phone thing down I was determined not to talk to her in the house unless it was kids and finances related.

The next step was making a list. It's a bucket list with big and small things on it to keep you busy and focused on you. I had stuff like traveling to another state to visit friends, hanging out with my brother more, reconnecting with family, going to museums, tons of activities with the kids, going to the gym, fixing stuff around the house, getting papers together for the D, start a new hobby, pick up an old hobby again, etc... Going to the gym was a major outlet for me. It gave me something to look forward to everyday and I could get my nervous energy out. Every day I woke up and decided I would do at least 1 thing off the list. I also would add a few things to the list each day. I forced myself to do things off the list to get myself back out socially and to keep myself occupied with things other than my WW. The key to success with the list is it's all things you do WITHOUT your unremoresful WS. The list is for YOU. It helps you to shift the focus back onto the most important person in this equation which is yourself.

Focusing on you is being selfish in a good way. The sooner you detach and heal the better you are and the better off your children are as well. Keep at it. You can do this. You will fall off the horse but don't get mad. Come here and post about it. We get it and unerstand. I am 3 years out from Dday and never imagined being happy again but I am. It's all because I detached and figured out what I wanted and what was important to me. I had some pretty horrid codependant tendencies so instead of trying to fix my M or my WW I decided the only thing I was allowed to work on and fix was myself. You can do the same. Yes it will be tough but it is so worth it in the end. Those of us with unremorseful WS's made it out and so will you.

tryingsodanghard posted 7/7/2014 15:31 PM

I am in the same boat. She tells me this was a "core altering experience" and that she has no emotion whatsoever, no sex drive, no feelings of affection. Not sure how long I can hang in there.

tired girl posted 7/7/2014 18:24 PM

That is a really good step by step plan 7yrs!

missingmyhubby posted 7/7/2014 18:37 PM

7yrsflushed....great layout of what i need to do. Breaking it down like that seems less daunting. Do i need to follow this even if i dont want to D though? I spose so, as either way it can only make ME stronger.

tryingsodanghard: i hear ya, it's like, you just arent sure how much more you can handle and hang on. It's honestly a terrible place to be. I hope you have people to help you get through this. For me my children, parents and siblings help me tremendously. They have no clue whats going on, but when i'm having a rough day, focusing on them and spending time with them gets me through.

7yrsflushed posted 7/8/2014 09:11 AM

Do i need to follow this even if i dont want to D though? I spose so, as either way it can only make ME stronger.
^^^Yes, you should continue with the 180 and do it in a way that works for you. You don't have to do it all at once. Start with one thing you can focus on and build from there. You add more and more things as you go

I am in the same boat. She tells me this was a "core altering experience" and that she has no emotion whatsoever, no sex drive, no feelings of affection. Not sure how long I can hang in there.
I read your profile. My XWW said something similar. They have no IDEA what a core altering experience is. What a BS feels after DDay is a core altering experience. What a WS did was actively make CHOICES while knowingly lying to our faces. That is not a core altering experience. That is shit you did to yourself. You didn't have a choice in the massive assault on you called Dday. She just pulled the pin and dropped it on you. They CHOSE to do this to you, your children, and everyone else it impacts. You are not required to hang in there tryingsodanghard. Your wayward partner is the one that should be trying extremely hard to save your relationship. Do not believe this life altering bullshit. You are plan B for her. Don't accept that. She knows exactly what she is doing now just as she knew exaclty what she was doing during the A. She is actively choosing not to be a part of your relationship or even trying to rebuild it. You got a D then took her back and she is doing this. Her behavior is textbook unremoresful. She should be doing the heavy lifting, not you.

Her life isn't altered. She is UNREMORSEFUL. Of course it's always your choice to stay but she is showing you EXACTLY who she is right now by not moving heaven and earth to rebuild your relationship. Instead she is doing nothing but moaning and complaining about her life altering experience. If it was so life altering, WHY is she still there. You deserve more than she can give. Figure out what you want and make some decisions. Start up the 180 so you can detach emotionally and figure out what will make you happy. If she doesn't wake up and get her shit together then she was never going to do it in the first place and you are saving yourself months or years of additional torment and pain. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:13 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Thinkingtoomuch posted 7/8/2014 09:46 AM

Tryingsodamnhard T/j:

I agree completely with 7yrsflushed's last post this morning!

PhantomLimb posted 7/8/2014 13:48 PM

He has a way of flipping things to make it my fault and i already know how it's going to go. And then if at any point we did decide to get back on track, i would have to deal with the "abandonment" being thrown in my face, or hear how i "gave up and left".

I am afraid to shove the D word in his face. He is the type who will flip it and say something like "well if thats what you want then do it" or "if you're that miserable then leave" But then turn around and blame it all on me IF i do and i'll be the bad guy.


Sometimes i do want to cry in front of him instead of hide, but i dont want him to see me hurting because i'm sure he'd brush it off as "weak" or "childish" ...but damn...i am hurting.

Any suggestions on what i can do without "pressuring" him to do these things again or how i should continue?

I think you are being emotionally abused. You are not the one who should be worrying about his comfort or conforming yourself to his expectations. HE should be doing that for YOU. This, at the very, very, very least, is a very unequal relationship. If you reread these quotes, there is an undercurrent of fear here that is characteristic of abuse victims.

My X was similar-- if I ever showed emotion or told him something he did or a tone of voice he used was hurtful, he'd laugh at me. I learned over the years not to step on his toes. At the beginning of our relationship, I was an extremely strong woman. At work, I still was. But in the 10 years we were together, he systematically broke me down to the point that I would panic if an expected bill came in or if I had to bother him at work because I knew he would blow up. I could still confront him on some things, but he managed to keep a lot of things hidden from me because I was afraid to upset him. I didn't hold him to account. His A was able to take place because he had me feeling like I was such nuisance to him, I didn't want to rock the boat.

Like you, I could never imagine myself with another man. I felt loyalty and fidelity to him for over a year. But his behavior needs to be unacceptable to you. You need to find the strength to break away, if you need to. This is no way for you to live, and it will come to a head at some point if you do not address it and look at the situation as objectively as you can. If it's not now with his EA, he sounds like he runs around your home like the king of the castle and will have to qualms with continuing this EA, starting another one, or having a PA. You don't want this to end when he decides to leave you.

These cheaters have lots of reasons for staying in a M... and they are not always for reasons of love or loyalty. Sadly, they are usually because of money or not wanting to lose access to their children, etc. Gently, his actions are not the actions of a man who is staying because he loves his wife. He sounds like he loves that he has you properly trained.

((hugs))

Imissmyhusb posted 7/8/2014 17:05 PM

These cheaters have lots of reasons for staying in a M... and they are not always for reasons of love or loyalty. Sadly, they are usually because of money or not wanting to lose access to their children, etc. Gently, his actions are not the actions of a man who is staying because he loves his wife. He sounds like he loves that he has you properly trained.

Ooooowweeeeee this hit a nerve!! I never imagined myself to be abused at all.
I can relate to this whole thread. Even our usernames r alike!

Sendg hugs and strength to u. I am sorry we r here, all of us, but also thankful that we r here to help each other thru

tryingsodanghard posted 7/9/2014 07:41 AM

Of COURSES you're abused. All betrayeds are.

JanaGreen posted 7/9/2014 09:19 AM

Even our usernames r alike!

I have been having a hell of a time with your usernames. It was only yesterday that I figured out you were two different people!

tryingsodanghard posted 11/25/2014 11:46 AM

Imissmyhusb, it's been a while for this thread? How are you?

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