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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do you live with what cant be undone?
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its so hard when my biggest trigger is my Husband. He's been home for 2 weeks now, We are both committed to R. He's remorseful, in IC and making my healing his number one priority. So that being said,

I am struggling this past week with just the thought of him having sex with another woman. He is my one and only. He had one girlfriend before I started dating him when he was 18, so I had been his one and only for 27 years.

I don't know if its different when your spouse is your "one and only" but I am really struggling with this.

The thought of him having sex with another woman. It kills me. It really kills me. I don't know if I will ever get over that. I hope I do, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I am so mad that I have to deal with these feelings now. I was just trying to live my life, be happy and then he throws a grenade into my life an now BAM!! I'm a victim of his stupidity, forced to live with this pain in my heart. WHY???

All week every time I look at him, especially when I'm looking at him and thinking how good looking he is, I feel sadness. I don't know if its because I think of how she got to feel those same feeling when she looked at him, she got to indulge herself in his sexiness. That really hurts. I am struggling with that.

I also feel sad when I look at him because I think, that's my sexy husband.....and he had sex with someone else:(

That's hard to accept.

What did you do to help yourself deal with these feelings? Was there something you said to yourself? How do you cope with the knowledge of a fact that will be ever present for the rest of your life, that cant be undone???

I hope I can survive infidelity.

What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
♂ New Member
Member # 43980
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not alone. i'm feeling the same way with my WW. The mind movies are what's getting to me.

Married 16 years
DDay Dec 24, 2011
3 kids
13,8, 1

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What other good choice do we have?

Even if we wipe our memories, the fact is our WSes betrayed us.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was the hardest part for me. He would ask what could he do to make me feel better. I would say undo it! He would say I wish I could.

Over time you learn the accept that it can't be undone. There isn't an easy way to get to that stage. I finally decided to take each day as it came and to stop looking backwards. I watched his actions and how he was with me and slowing I healed. I also would push the thoughts out of my head of the affair as often as I could. The more I thought about it , the worse it was for me.

This was after we had discussed the affair hundreds of time. It took about a year and a half for me to stop wishing for it to be undone.

You are not long from d-day and the pain is fresh and the thoughts are constantly rolling through your head. It's so hard and I'm so sorry you are hurting. I wish I knew a quicker way but for me time was the only answer.

BW- 48
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know time its going to take time, I so wish I didn't have to go through this pain and sadness. I feel I'm walking around like a victim of some horrendous crime that I have to keep a secret from the world. It's a dark place to be living in, I had such hope for our future.

What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you and I feel your pain....we were both our one and that isn't the case...but as sisson said what other good choice do we have?
so I try and focus on TODAY and not the 2+ years of his "double life"
the sex is just one part of's the reality that he lied thousands of times...even the same lie adds up...
forward motion and seeing the hard work we have done and having the man I married back and recognizable once again is worth the battle...time is your new friend
fear is the new "f" word...
I know the other phrase I hate but it is true ..."easier said than done" forward my friend focus forward

3 adult children 1D 2S
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr

Posts: 637 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone. I don't have good advice, but know you've been heard. I would say find something that helps take your mind off of it and go with it.

Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want...I have no idea

Posts: 1129 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 43979
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neecee, I know exactly how you feel. I am a year and 3 months out from DD and there are times that I look at him and feel that. What I can say is that that feeling doesn't happen as often now as it did the first few months. I have the added benefit of seeing the OW around town so, even though we are in R and both committed to it for us and our kids, there are days I am not so sure I can survive infidelity. I am new to this site and I am so glad I did. Good luck.

BS 34
WH 35
OW 29
2 DS 6&8
DDay 4/27/13
married just over 10 years on dday

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2014
♀ Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am not sure this will help & not sure other posters would even approve. What I finally had to do to get the image of my wh & his last ow doing the nasty (in my home)out of my head was to use some imagery. This did give me some temporary relief & feelings of empowerment over an otherwise powerless situation. Just for the record though, I have in no way put my imagery to real action, nor would I, nor should you. So this is what I imagined I was doing to the ow when them doing the nasty image would pop up, I would imagine I grabbed her by the back of her hair, pulled her naked off my bed, then marched her down the stairs to the front door (still holding her up by the hair) then planted my foot on her ass, let go of her hair and gave her a good hard shove out the front door. Then I imagined her laying there on the ground because she couldn't catch her balance in time due to the force I shoved her with. Then I told her to stay out of my head and don't come back, this is my head, and my house, not yours Ho.

Me BS 58yo
Him WS 55yo, porno & sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,he moved in with OW 3/9/14, moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners
TT is

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fully sympathize with what you are feeling, I felt the same. No simple answers. Time passing helps because all the time your mind is trying to get back to normal, it is working unconsciously to heal and needs mere time. If you wayward is remorseful and you can make a life, then a porus line has to be drawn under what happened, you don't approve what he did but you now accept him. Keep in mind the obvious, there are no guarantees in life at all, none. Nearly every human being suffers some severe loss in this amazing voyage; you are not an exception. You were never going to be one. Keats said "life is a great school for souls"; he might have added-a hard school. I dont mean to be glib about your pain, it is more complex than any words I can address. If you love him and he you, then move on. Each good day will take you further from the pain.
I hope you make it. (I did-after wanting death more than life)

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 10

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