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Prison Time

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BaseballMom31 posted 7/6/2014 12:43 PM

As many may know from my other post, my husband has recently been sent to prison on a parole violation. So now I am dealing with a whole new set of emotions. He is unsure atbthis time of how much time he will do. He thinks he will do what they call a 6 month setback.

He did admit to me that he had began using meth again. He has always struggled with addiction but other than alcohol, he had been clean since our son was born. He is 9. Of course, now I don't know if that is true or not because I obviously missed a lot of things....I believe if he had not starting using, his affair would not of happened. He admitted to using with her. She has no responsibilities or worries and could be the drinker and partier he wanted to be. I couldn't and wouldn't be that person. She was fun, I was reality.

Anyway, now that he is in prison, he is calling me. Of course, he is sorry. He said he has called her one time for a 3minute free call, in the beginning. But hasn't since. I haven't heard from him since Friday so of course, my mind is racing. Is he calling her during his free time? He gets 2 45minute times a day to use the phone and shower.

In a way, I am relieved that he is in prison. He can get clean and get on his medication. (He is bipolar and had been off his meds during the month he was gone from our home.) And yes, as a bonus, he isn't with her. I want to repair my marriage. I want my husband. My family is against any contact at all with him, especially my mom. I am so torn. I want to believe he means what he says. But how can I? I love him so much and my son wants his dad home so bad. He did not giv e our home address to the parole board. He gave his parents. I know if he goes there, our marriage is as good as over. His dad has a steady supply of pot and alcohol, he is also an addict. And my husbands #1 enabler, plus he wants him away from me. I would love for him to come home, but I don't want to be used again. Or to go through this pain again. I have never hurt so bad in my life. This is killing me. I can't sleep, I am not eating. I am devastated and unsure of what to do next.

deena04 posted 7/6/2014 12:46 PM

Keep strong. You are doing the right thing. Take it one day at a time. Get friends and co-workers, anybody who rallies to your side (us, too) and have them for support. If he comes home now because you give in, he won't have learned a lesson IMO. He needs to get clean for himself, your son, and you. He is not healthy for your child or your M if he is let off the hook without learning this. Don't forget to take time to enjoy life when you can. We're here for you.

StillGoing posted 7/6/2014 13:08 PM

It's great that he can get his meds. A family member of mine spent time in prison and he was not permitted to take his bipolar meds for his 9 month stay there. I don't have any idea about the logic behind that kind of decision.

BaseballMom31 posted 7/6/2014 15:13 PM

He won't get his meds as long as he is in diagnostics but he will get them once he is moved. I don't understans that logic either. Right now, he is probably having some withdrawals from everything he was on. :-( I hate that for him. I hate everything about this situation. It never should have gotten this far. It kills me.

I absolutely do not feel strong. On Thursday, he said some very hurtful things to me. But by that evening and Friday, he was sorry. He is really confusing me . I don't know if he is talking to her, I will probably never know the truth. I don't know if he really wants to save our marriage or if that is just because he is in prison. He keeps saying our marriage is not over. I just don't know how to handle this. I guess it is just a game of wait and see now. But the not knowing where I stand or what is going on is the worst. I just want my husband.

tfkeel posted 7/6/2014 16:17 PM

But the not knowing where I stand or what is going on is the worst.

Yes. Having someone else be in control of your life, and not even someone who is living with you.

Let everything you do, from this point out, be YOUR decision. Don't live your life by wondering whether or not he is "calling her", etc.

Formulate YOUR OWN plan for your own life and for your son.

He did not give our home address to the parole board. He gave his parents. I know if he goes there, our marriage is as good as over. His dad has a steady supply of pot and alcohol, he is also an addict.

The most likely thing which is going to happen when your husband is released, is that he will head straight to his parents' house.

Look at it this way.... choose now to live your own life and a life which parents your son well.

Face facts. Look at what your husband's father has done to his son.

That is what is going to be done to your son, if you allow it.

If, when your husband gets out of prison, he is "clean", and making attempts to be a responsible adult member of society, and is showing forth the actions which are consistent with that, you can still, then, nurture and complete your relationship to him as husband and father of your son.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 4:22 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

StillGoing posted 7/6/2014 16:24 PM

I absolutely do not feel strong.

Nobody feels strong unless they are dealing with trivial weight, or they get through and look back and think "Holy fuck, I did that."

I agree with tfkeel - make plans for yourself and your son. If you want to try to include your WH in that, do so, but if he is not there, then your son only has you. If you aren't in a good place to care for yourself, then you're not in a good place for him.

Not chastising or judging. Look out for yourself.

BaseballMom31 posted 7/6/2014 16:43 PM

I agree with the things you have said, tfkeel. However, I don't know how to implement them. All I do is go over things in my head. It is an awful feeling to know he has this much control over me. But I don't know how to change it. I want him to cone home and be the man I married so bad. And Friday, he sounded like that man again. Now I haven't heard from him so I feel like I am heading back to square one with everything.

I wish I could stop the images in my head about what he has done or is doing. Do they ever stop? I want to save my marriage and at times, I believe he does too.

I worry constantly about the damage that has been done to my son because of all of this. He told me that he knows his dad is sick but if he gets better, he needs to come home. I told him that he has to get better first and we don't know if he will hurt us like this again. He said we still have to try. What do I say to that? It is out of my hands, I will do anything to try. But now it is all him. And that is the part that scares me. I hope he changes his homeplan and starts to show me instead of just tell me. But how do I deal in the meantime?

Schadenfreude posted 7/6/2014 16:52 PM

Can you see and tell us how happy your MIL is with her husband? If she's still in the picture.

If. to, can you contact her for some,first hand advice about how her H was with your H when he was young?

Apple didn't fall too far for that tree, did it? Is that what younwant for your son because you have convinced yourself,you love him too much to ever let him go? That's selfish. Sorry to say, but hats how I see it. You may be a coD or,whatever, but that does not give you a free pass to inflict damage on your son.

sadtoo posted 7/6/2014 17:29 PM

I want him to cone home and be the man I married so bad.

You have to stop this thinking. You have to get ahold of yourself and start thinking more clearly.

You have to stop thinking that "if he could just be home everything will be wonderful" and the like. What about your boy? Do you really want this mentally ill, drug addicted, abusive man coming into your home to represent to your boy how a man is suppose to act? Be a father? Be a husband?

IF and that is a big IF you do allow him to come back home, he needs to complete extensive alcohol and drug treatment programs. He needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist and have his medication stabilized. He needs to get into an intensive IC. Then and only then should you consider reconciliation.

YOU need to get yourself into IC and find out why you find his poor behavior acceptable.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh. But I fear that if you take him back without the above, you are only asking for more problems.

hard_yards posted 7/6/2014 18:36 PM

Please re read sadtoo's post.... then go back and read all the posts from you and responses from people here, who care about you.

Yes, we are a community of people who by and large, never meet, but that gives us the ability to looks at your posts with a clarity that isn't possible when you're stuck right in the middle of it.

This time that he's locked up is the perfect time for you to get yourself sorted without having him to confuse you and cloud your judgement.

Please, step away from him, needing him, worrying about him, wanting to hear from him, worrying about whether he's taking his meds, where he'll go on release, wondering who he's phoning when he's not phoning you.... worry, worry, fret, fret, hurt, hurt.... this is no way to live.

Please don't take offense, but you are incredibly dependent on him, and he's just not up to the job, he's far, far, too damaged.

Fixing him is not your job.

He might have been great to start with but look at how he is now, maybe the "great guy" was a facade, and what you see now is the real deal....

Is this a person who is a loving partner for you and a loving father and role model for your son?

He has chosen to walk the path he's on, he always had the ability to go a different way, but this life is of his own doing. I realize his parents were abysmal role models, but he could have looked at them, and their life and wanted different for himself. Please try not to let history repeat itself again.

Fixing him is not your job.

If this was happening to your friend, what would you tell her to do?

Take the advice from tushnurse, get yourself all the help that's available, contact the social services that can make this transition a reality, lean on your family, who care about you. You don't have to just imagine a life without the stress, drama and heartache that you have right now, that life can be yours.

Hugs honey, do this for yourself and your son.

doggiediva posted 7/6/2014 18:53 PM

I don't mean to sound harsh but healing may be faster and better if you learn how to deal with missing your WH while moving on with your own life in healthy ways..

He isn't gonna be home next week or next month anyway, he is in prison, so what choice do you have?

You are not betraying your WH if you enjoy your daily life without him being there..

Take classes to be more marketable in your current job, or look for a (new)job...

Set up a daily routine for you and your kiddo that you two can look forward to..

Make the most mundane of tasks like cooking a party by involving your son..Enjoy sports together too if you both like them..Go to the library and enjoy readings/ other activities with your son..

Try to build up your network of adult friends and get togethers too..Coffee time with girlfriends..

I would rather adjust to missing my WH and be taking measures to heal as best as I can without him, than be stuck with a greedy remorseless pig who won't leave (be kicked out of the house)...

BaseballMom31 posted 7/6/2014 22:01 PM

My MIL is absolutely miserable. She stays doped up on pain pills and xanax, when she is awake. She sleeps all day and is like a zombie. I do NOT want to be like that.

What I think everyone is mising and what I am having the most trouble with, is that we had 10 good years of no drug use. This is NOT typical behavior for my husband. Yes, he is an alcoholic and has struggled with addiction BEFORE OUR SON, but he has been clean since.

The stories that I have heard from my husband and his sister is that my FIL was a good dad also, until their teen years when he was in a fourwheeler wreck and broke both legs. He became addicted to pain pills and everything went downhill from there.

I don't expect a free pass to inflict damage on my child. I am doing the best I know how, to protect him from this nightmare. He has seen too much and heard me cry way too much. But i am doing the best I can. I don't mean to be selfish, I am thinking of my son when I say I want to fix my marriage. He needs both parents, he deserves that. His dad hasn't been the best this last few months, he has been the selfish one. I have been making excuses and picking up the pieces he left behind. My son knows this is not normal behavior and up until these last few months, he had a great dad. So am I being selfish for wanting to give THAT back to him? I KNOW my husband can be that again. It will never be easy but with A LOT of work, we can get there again.

I am trying to adjust without him. It is an all new hurt now that he is in prison. I still hadn't adjusted to him not being here because he was cheating on me. Now this is thrown on top of that pain. It is all so raw and new still. I have so many mixed up emotions and I don't know how to deal with them. I wish I didn't want to talk to him, to hear his voice so bad. I wish I could stop worrying, stressing and fretting about him. But it is what I do, I am a worrier. I want to fix everything, including him. I am struggling with the fact that I CAN'T.

naivegirl posted 7/7/2014 00:03 AM

The wanting to fix him is the codependency. This is why you need to keep reading those books and try to find a support group for spouses of addicts. I know it is hard. Even if you don't feel strong just keep trying. Your husband is where he needs to be now. He needs to fix himself. You just need to focus on your own healing and helping your son.

sadtoo posted 7/7/2014 00:44 AM

What I think everyone is mising and what I am having the most trouble with, is that we had 10 good years of no drug use. This is NOT typical behavior for my husband. Yes, he is an alcoholic and has struggled with addiction BEFORE OUR SON, but he has been clean since
Nobody is missing this. But you will never convince me that you had "10 good years" with an ACTIVE alcoholic. And obviously he hasn't been "clean". You just weren't aware of what he's been doing.

I am so destroyed and crushed, I don't even know where to begin...a month ago, my husband left to go visit his mom, in a town 15 minutes from our house. While he was gone, I received a call from someone telling me he was out cheating on me. I asked my husband what that was about. He didn't answer, and he didn't come home, for 16 days.

This is horrible!

I do believe he has gotten involved with drugs. He has a past history with addiction and is an alcoholic. He also has mental issues.

How is it possible to have "10 good years" with someone with these problems?

Unfortunately, I already have had sex with him. He was home for a week and I thought things were going to be okay. I had MY husband back and I was overjoyed. I was willing to let the past 16 days go, just to have my husband home. I just don't understand what went wrong. Up until the night he left, there had been no issues! He couldn't tell me why he didn't come home, other than he didn't want to face me.

How do you just allow your husband to disappear for SIXTEEN days without explaination??? And because you're so desperate to have him home, you have unprotected sex with him?? And right up until this incident there have been "no issues" ??? Why is he on parole??? What's that issue?

I have stood by him and supported him through so much. More than most women would have and this is the thanks I get.

Right here you're being honest. There have been issues. MANY issues.

He is on parole, he spent time in a treatment center. And I stood by him, I supported him. I believed in him. And I defended him. Today is his monthly call in to his parole officer. I was always the one to remind him to make that call. I always made sure he did. Unfortunately, his PO isn't too concerned with him because he has done the right thing for so long. He has only physically seen her 1x since his release over 3 years ago. I know he is headed back, only this time it won't be a treatment center. He will do actual prison time. I pray he straightens up before then

So was he in prison/treatment for the first 5 years of your son's life? Is he only staying clean as part of his parole?

Again, I am only pointing these things out to you as a way to try and help you see the reality of your situation. You are in DENIAL. Please take the advice being offered to you here. Get to an alanon meeting and get yourself into IC. You have to start focusing on YOU.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:45 AM, July 7th (Monday)]

Schadenfreude posted 7/7/2014 06:32 AM

Read up on codependency. Your self worth image hinges on fixing him to the exclusion of everybody else in your life. Is your MIL the way she is because of FIL or is she just a natural born loser in her own right? If because of FIL your future is right there in how she lives.

As long as Jailbird consumes your thoughts you cannot improv your life or that of your son. Son knows he comes in second place no matter how much you deny it.

You need help and his imprisonment might be your last real chance for you and your son.

Yes it's harsh but hearts and flowed messages don't get through to you. You need to act positively.

tushnurse posted 7/7/2014 07:28 AM

BB Mom - YOU believe you love him. Honestly you love what you believed he was. IT's impossible to see the forest for the trees when you are standing in the middle of it.

You have started to make all kinds of excuses for him, pretty common thing to do when you are the wife/child/partner of and addict. STOP.

Your husband is an Addict. Period. Clean for x number of years???? Um no sorry. He was drinking, that is not being clean. That's using a different substance to get you through. He is an addict. Until he starts to make those steps to heal himself, and realize that he physically, and mentally can no longer use any substance of any kind you continue to live with, and enable this addict. STOP.

You say your son deserves both parents? STOP. What you son deserves is having one parent that is strong enough to help him through life, and be a strong, guiding influence on him to become a healthy normal productive member of society, what he doesn't deserve is two completely broken parents giving him some jacked up version of normal. You seriously think it's ok that he is exposed to a man that does drugs, is on parole, and in and out of jail? That is not having a dad.

Step back from this and look at it from the point of view of your best friend, your mother, or even a compete stranger, it will become obvious that this relationship is unhealthy, and until he makes himself healthy it will continue to be that way. YOU CAN NOT DO THIS FOR HIM.
HE HAS TO MAKE THE CHOICE TO DO IT, AND THEN HE HAS TO PROVE THAT HE IS DOING IT FOR THE LONG HAUL, not just until he gets out of jail, or back in your home.

He is a grown man, capable of making his own choices. DO NOT allow him to make you the person responsible for him.

(((and strength))))

doggiediva posted 7/7/2014 09:15 AM

Work on yourself while he is gone..If there was something good that you and your son did today, something that made you smile, hang on to the fact that today was a good day..Baby steps...With each new positive thing that happens every day you will feel stronger..
A couple of weeks, maybe a month down the road you will find that you are adjusting to life on your own, making all of the decisions of day to day life..As you begin to enjoy good/better days on your own, you may get more clarity on where your life is headed and what you want to do....

norabird posted 7/7/2014 09:15 AM

It is not your job to stand by your man when your man has PROVED beyond all doubt that he is not responsible enough to be a real partner. He is the only one wjho can fix himself. He is not yet doing that. Step back. Let him fail or succeed on his own and focus on YOU. On addressing your codependency and finding your strength.

k94ever posted 7/7/2014 11:01 AM

"Children would rather BE from a broken home than LIVE in one."

BBM....are you even hearing what we are saying? He is an alcoholic. And a drug user. And a cheater.

Do you SERIOUSLY want that as a role model for your son? Just because you want to be with a bad boy who doesn't respect you?

You keep saying you are doing the best you know how. Honey...we are trying to teach you to do better and you don't want to learn because it's hard.

You have to learn to do better for your son's sake.

Otherwise you are doomed to live your MIL's life and your son will become your husband and FIL.

Make a better choice for your son.


brokenblackbird posted 7/7/2014 14:04 PM

He is in the best place for him right now. And for you.

He is in prison. He can't use. He can't physically be with OW (although he is calling her and maybe even writing her letters, you have to know that, right?).

This leaves you free to read everything you can about boundaries and how to set them for yourself. It gives you time to attend Al-Anon meetings and discover your co-dependency with an addict and how that affects everything in your life.

This is YOUR time to discover YOUR life. You don't have to worry about him - he is locked up. You don't have to talk to him. You can't change anything about his situation anyway. And, sweetie, he hasn't been thinking about the situation he has put you in emotionally or financially.

He is going to do a lot of talking with pretty words that might make you think he has figured it out - but that's just the prison talking. Remember when he left you for 16 days and didn't call or get in touch with you? Yeah, that is the real him right now.

Distance yourself. Heal yourself. Learn about yourself.

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