Its hard, but I can see you getting stronger day by day. That is awesome. Keep moving forward, before you know it a month will have gone by, and you will be able to see just how strong you are. Then 2 months, and so forth.
It bothers me that now she has the clean husband that I wanted and that my son deserved. Maybe only because he has no choice but it still bothers me.
Stop believing that there is a future version of him better than the current one and worrying that you'll miss out on a chance with that 'new and improved' version.
Find your anger and also accept that he is not going to change. It's hard to walk away from the investment and sunk cost but you're not seeing clearly yet.
Keep working on distance and detaching.
He is not clean. Maybe he isn't using or drinking right now while he's being monitored, but he's not sober.
NOPE no way not a chance in hell.
He is white knuckling it until he thinks no one is looking and then he will go right back to it. I promise.
If he's not using it's because,the hammer of prison is over his head. It's not because his life is changed for the better.
Don't delude,yourself. He's still an addict, just not using today. Those,pesky urine tests will,do,that to him, you know.
Keep on separating. He is no good,for,you and your son. You do not want to be your MIL 25 years from now,,do,you?
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 4:24 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]
I am confused. He is confused. He has told so many lies that I really think he has himself believing them. I was feeling a little better, now not so much. I just don't understand this. I asked him if he would be willing to leave her, have absolutely no contact with her and go into marriage counseling. I don't want him to come back here, RIGHT NOW. But I would like him to give counseling 6 months and then we can reevaluate everything. I am waiting on a response now.
He is so easily manipulated and I feel like he has so many people pulling him in so many different directions. He needs to step back from everyone, myself included, and really work on himself.
BBM, you have GOT to get a grip on this! It's imperative to your survival! Quit letting him give you "confused" talk. That's just bullshit and I really think you know it but, don't want to admit it. Come on girl. Get real. If you are here asking for help so you need to be listening to the heartfelt advice of everyone here who is telling you to STOP! Your glimmer of hope is the tooth fairy, it's no where near your reality right now. I know you WANT things to go back to the way they were. Thing is, it will NEVER be the same. What should be different is that YOU quit being a doormat for this loser and stand up for yourself and that precious boy who has no idea how to deal with this.
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:19 PM, July 15th, 2014 (Tuesday)]
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell
Yes he has history with alcohol and addiction. This is the first time, that I know of anyway, that he has ever cheated on me. This is the first time since our son was born that he has used meth. Again, that I know of. Hell, for all I know my entire marriage has been a lie.
He hasn't texted me back about leaving her and getting counseling. I have learned in these last 2 months, that if he thinks I won't like his answer, he just ignores me. So no counseling or he doesn't want to leave his whore.
Why even text me today? I hadn't contacted him. All he did was set me back AGAIN and give me a small amount of hope. What is the point? If he loves his whore and wants to be with her, why not just leave me alone? Why say the things he was saying?
I realize that he isn't clean because he wants to be, but because he has no other choice. He has been texting all day and he seems very confused.
He's confused because he is a METH-HEAD.
I did pretty good with keeping my responses non emotional....until about an hour ago. I sent him a long text saying all the things I needed to get off my chest. He sent me a long one back immediately. This is probably the most rational conversation I have been able to have with him in awhile. I feel like I am actually talking to my husband, not the stranger he had become.
This is him sucking you back in because he needs a backup plan.
I am confused.
Yup. That's what happens when you keep talking a manipulative liar. He's got you right back where he likes you.
He is confused. He has told so many lies that I really think he has himself believing them. I was feeling a little better, now not so much. I just don't understand this. I asked him if he would be willing to leave her, have absolutely no contact with her and go into marriage counseling. I don't want him to come back here, RIGHT NOW. But I would like him to give counseling 6 months and then we can reevaluate everything. I am waiting on a response now.
My bet is you're going to keep waiting. All he needed to know is that you were still sitting there pining away for him. He's probably thinking, "Imagine that! i've been sent back to prison, using meth & screwing another meth-head and she is STILL willing to take me back!" He's back to having his good time, now that he knows he still has you on the hook
He is so easily manipulated and I feel like he has so many people pulling him in so many different directions. He needs to step back from everyone, myself included, and really work on himself
Oh yes, the poor dear.
Do you hear yourself?? WHO is so easily manipulated?
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE him.
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
My friend is in a relationship with an ex-heroin addict. He just switched his heroin to alcohol. His liver is packing up now, he is only 42, he still drinks. She suffered so much, his lies too, non-stop, he was also a shoplifter - I saw her struggles first-hand. Eventually she left him, it helped her get stronger, though each day was torture for her as well as she missed him so much, though not the abuse he inflicted, not his broken lifestyle
That dichotomy is so difficult to live with - to miss the person you love, but not the abuse.
But you will do it. You are slowly finding through all that muck your strength again.
Focus on yourself, little by little, day by day, minute by minute.
I am struggling to do the same as you. It is very tough! You are not alone in your fight to find yourself again.
My prayers are with you. Peace.
One call to DCFS by his vengeful OW could, at the very least, have you going through nasty court battles and investigations.
People can change, but not this quickly. He is making sure you will be backup. He may not be using right now, but he is still in that mentality.
He told me yesterday morning that his house arrest starts this morning. Yesterday evening, he asked if he could come by to get a few things sometime this evening because after tonight he will be on house arrest. So does it start in the morning or evening? Or at all? He told me that he doesn't know where his actual home plan will be because he still waiting to see if his Dad's senior citizen/disabled apartment will be approved. If it isn't, he will go to a halfway house. Okay, if his house arrest is scheduled to start TODAY, wouldn't he already know where he is supposed to be? He told me he had been staying with her. I am sure that is where is home plan is. With her and her parents, in their basement. Don't forget, my husband is a 35 year old man and his whore is 33. And living in parents basement. Nice.
Yes, he has me right where he wants me. He always has. This is exactly why he texted me the things he did. Just like saying, he hadn't came over to see our son or pick anything up because he couldn't face me. He couldn't face the pain he had caused.
He does manipulate me, I am aware of that. Just texting yesterday is proof of that. He said the things that I needed to hear to get my hopes back up. It worked. Just as I thought I was doing a little better. I won't say I am back to square one, but I am close.
Have you started participating in any phone-meetings or online Nar-Anon or AlAnon meetings yet? I know you have the face-to-face one tomorrow - be sure you don't miss it for any reason.
Your own sobriety depends on you getting clean of your addiction TO HIM! Otherwise you will continue to make less than smart decisions for your life and the life of your son by keeping yourself involved with an unremorseful, manipulative addict.
You'll notice that addicts despise their enablers, but still will do everything they can think of to keep their enabler in their life, at least on the periphery so that they can stay addicted.
He won't get sober with you in his life. You have to let him fall, and your own sobriety depends on you leaving so you don't watch and desire his rescue.
I was re-reading the texts that he sent and realized that just yesterday, he lied at least 2 different times. Probably more, these are just the 2 I caught! He is lying so much that he can't keep up with them.
AND THIS IS WHY THE 180 IS SO IMPORTANT FOR YOU!!!!! TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING SUCKED INTO THE CRAZY.
Please Please Please, whatever you do, do NOT skip the Al-Anon meeting today. You are the enabler in a relationship with an addict. You have to learn that there is no shame being this person, but you also have to learn that as long as you remain this person, you will never have happiness. These meetings, these people will help you more than you know. The support, and feeling of belonging, all of that stuff will be 10 fold of what you are getting here with us.
You are one week into this time with your son being gone. Have you contacted a local womens shelter, food bank, united way? If not please do so. If you need help the sooner you ask for it the better. You don't want to wait to ask for help until the lights are turned off, the water is turned off, and so forth. There is paperwork involved, but sister it is worth the time and energy.
If he's so easily manipulated how come you can't manipulate him into staying sober and make him give up his mistress? Obviously you haven't been able to do that. The only one being manipulated is you. As long as you keep reading his texts this is going to continue. There should be a button somewhere that says "delete".