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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Prison Time
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great Post Sadtoo - Go back and read it again BBM.
Especially the part about a glimmer of hope.
The only thing you should be hoping for is that he quits texting you.

Its hard, but I can see you getting stronger day by day. That is awesome. Keep moving forward, before you know it a month will have gone by, and you will be able to see just how strong you are. Then 2 months, and so forth.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did just tell me that he has been staying with her. I guess I knew this, I just wanted him to actually be honest with me for a change.

It bothers me that now she has the clean husband that I wanted and that my son deserved. Maybe only because he has no choice but it still bothers me.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 245 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is not clean. Maybe he isn't using or drinking right now while he's being monitored, but he's not sober.

Stop believing that there is a future version of him better than the current one and worrying that you'll miss out on a chance with that 'new and improved' version.

Find your anger and also accept that he is not going to change. It's hard to walk away from the investment and sunk cost but you're not seeing clearly yet.

Keep working on distance and detaching.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is not clean. Maybe he isn't using or drinking right now while he's being monitored, but he's not sober.

NOPE no way not a chance in hell.

He is white knuckling it until he thinks no one is looking and then he will go right back to it. I promise.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's staying with a crack,addict and he's staying clean.? If so, then we ca abolish NA and put all crack addicts to,work,as,effective drug counselors? Wow, he might just have won the NobelPrize in medicine.

If he's not using it's because,the hammer of prison is over his head. It's not because his life is changed for the better.

Don't delude,yourself. He's still an addict, just not using today. Those,pesky urine tests will,do,that to him, you know.

Keep on separating. He is no good,for,you and your son. You do not want to be your MIL 25 years from now,,do,you?

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 4:24 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything Schadenfreude and others have said and more. He is an addict. They don't just recover like that; staying with another addict is almost like just asking for him to not pass a urine test at some point or just skip going to one. Keep taking care of yourself and your son. He needs you to be the best you can right now.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1000 | Registered: Dec 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that he isn't clean because he wants to be, but because he has no other choice. He has been texting all day and he seems very confused. I did pretty good with keeping my responses non emotional....until about an hour ago. I sent him a long text saying all the things I needed to get off my chest. He sent me a long one back immediately. This is probably the most rational conversation I have been able to have with him in awhile. I feel like I am actually talking to my husband, not the stranger he had become.

I am confused. He is confused. He has told so many lies that I really think he has himself believing them. I was feeling a little better, now not so much. I just don't understand this. I asked him if he would be willing to leave her, have absolutely no contact with her and go into marriage counseling. I don't want him to come back here, RIGHT NOW. But I would like him to give counseling 6 months and then we can reevaluate everything. I am waiting on a response now.

He is so easily manipulated and I feel like he has so many people pulling him in so many different directions. He needs to step back from everyone, myself included, and really work on himself.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 245 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wow! This broke my heart to read your post! It is so hard when you love someone so much & yet see the destruction they are bringing into yours & your sons lives! Neither of you deserve this, nor did you cause his problems! I know first hand from dealing with a family member who was on meth, that it does affect their personality, however, it is still NOT an excuse for an A! There is NO excuse for that...PERIOD!! I AGREE with the others, the Apple has not fallen far from the tree! Please BREAK this cycle NOW! It's the greatest gift you will likely ever give your son! And you don't have to make ANY decisions this minute. Hopefully he WILL be in prison a while & give you some time to take care of YOU & your precious son & figure out what you want in your life longterm! And I know your family loves you & just wants the best for you...but..you can gently remind them that you are a woman now & can/will make your own choices. Be strong & always remember that you & your son are worth having a good & happy life! Prayers for you! This is NOT EASY, but you CAN & WILL survive it!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 237 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like I need to catch up on your posts... I didn't realize there were so many (a GOOD thing!). So he's NOT in prison right now..?? I saw something about house arrest...I'll read more...prayers for you right now....


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 237 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I read & caught up on your posts. It seems that your husband has quite a history of drug/alcohol abuse, cheating & lying! I do see that you have been an enabler. I believe that anyone can change but they have to WANT this & first & foremost for themselves or it will NEVER happen! IMHO...MAKE him PROVE to you that he's changed before you will even THINK about R with him! Again. ..please BREAK this cycle while you still can! Your son deserves it! PRAYERS FOR YOU & YOUR SON!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 237 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I read & caught up on your posts. It seems that your husband has quite a history of drug/alcohol abuse, cheating & lying! I do see that you have been an enabler. I believe that anyone can change but they have to WANT this & first & foremost for themselves or it will NEVER happen! IMHO...MAKE him PROVE to you that he's changed before you will even THINK about R with him! Again. ..please BREAK this cycle while you still can! Your son deserves it! PRAYERS FOR YOU & YOUR SON!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 237 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You really need to look at the role you have played in this relationship. You ARE an enabler. You really need to understand why you have assumed the responsibility for making this marriage work. He has done zero to make anything better. Just words. His words should mean shit to you right now because, HE IS A LIAR and, he IS manipulating your feelings for him.

BBM, you have GOT to get a grip on this! It's imperative to your survival! Quit letting him give you "confused" talk. That's just bullshit and I really think you know it but, don't want to admit it. Come on girl. Get real. If you are here asking for help so you need to be listening to the heartfelt advice of everyone here who is telling you to STOP! Your glimmer of hope is the tooth fairy, it's no where near your reality right now. I know you WANT things to go back to the way they were. Thing is, it will NEVER be the same. What should be different is that YOU quit being a doormat for this loser and stand up for yourself and that precious boy who has no idea how to deal with this.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:19 PM, July 15th, 2014 (Tuesday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 747 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He isn't on house arrest yet. He told me today that it is supposed to start tomorrow morning. But I really couldn't tell you if that is the truth or not. I have been lied to so much that I don't know what the truth is anymore.

Yes he has history with alcohol and addiction. This is the first time, that I know of anyway, that he has ever cheated on me. This is the first time since our son was born that he has used meth. Again, that I know of. Hell, for all I know my entire marriage has been a lie.

He hasn't texted me back about leaving her and getting counseling. I have learned in these last 2 months, that if he thinks I won't like his answer, he just ignores me. So no counseling or he doesn't want to leave his whore.

Why even text me today? I hadn't contacted him. All he did was set me back AGAIN and give me a small amount of hope. What is the point? If he loves his whore and wants to be with her, why not just leave me alone? Why say the things he was saying?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 245 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that he isn't clean because he wants to be, but because he has no other choice. He has been texting all day and he seems very confused.

He's confused because he is a METH-HEAD.

I did pretty good with keeping my responses non emotional....until about an hour ago. I sent him a long text saying all the things I needed to get off my chest. He sent me a long one back immediately. This is probably the most rational conversation I have been able to have with him in awhile. I feel like I am actually talking to my husband, not the stranger he had become.

This is him sucking you back in because he needs a backup plan.

I am confused.

Yup. That's what happens when you keep talking a manipulative liar. He's got you right back where he likes you.

He is confused. He has told so many lies that I really think he has himself believing them. I was feeling a little better, now not so much. I just don't understand this. I asked him if he would be willing to leave her, have absolutely no contact with her and go into marriage counseling. I don't want him to come back here, RIGHT NOW. But I would like him to give counseling 6 months and then we can reevaluate everything. I am waiting on a response now.

My bet is you're going to keep waiting. All he needed to know is that you were still sitting there pining away for him. He's probably thinking, "Imagine that! i've been sent back to prison, using meth & screwing another meth-head and she is STILL willing to take me back!" He's back to having his good time, now that he knows he still has you on the hook

He is so easily manipulated and I feel like he has so many people pulling him in so many different directions. He needs to step back from everyone, myself included, and really work on himself
.

Oh yes, the poor dear.

Do you hear yourself?? WHO is so easily manipulated?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8027 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Jomarion
♀ Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading your posts and see how hard you are struggling, my heart goes out to you. I am struggling too in similar ways to break free from abusive people I love. It helps me to just take baby steps, forgive myself when I slip up, remember how hard I am trying when I slip up. That gives me strength to carry on.

My friend is in a relationship with an ex-heroin addict. He just switched his heroin to alcohol. His liver is packing up now, he is only 42, he still drinks. She suffered so much, his lies too, non-stop, he was also a shoplifter - I saw her struggles first-hand. Eventually she left him, it helped her get stronger, though each day was torture for her as well as she missed him so much, though not the abuse he inflicted, not his broken lifestyle

That dichotomy is so difficult to live with - to miss the person you love, but not the abuse.

But you will do it. You are slowly finding through all that muck your strength again.

Focus on yourself, little by little, day by day, minute by minute.

I am struggling to do the same as you. It is very tough! You are not alone in your fight to find yourself again.

My prayers are with you. Peace.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
hurtinghearts
♀ Member
Member # 27232
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBM, please remember that you could end up losing your son if he comes back.

One call to DCFS by his vengeful OW could, at the very least, have you going through nasty court battles and investigations.

People can change, but not this quickly. He is making sure you will be backup. He may not be using right now, but he is still in that mentality.


Dday: Jan. 8th, 2010
OW#1 6 month PA...she is remorseful and forgiven. OW#2 The "therapist"... played head games with me. OW#3... loved to give blow jobs in her office. OW#4 the couple from Hell

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Illinois
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He isn't coming back. I have to face that. I was re-reading the texts that he sent and realized that just yesterday, he lied at least 2 different times. Probably more, these are just the 2 I caught! He is lying so much that he can't keep up with them.

He told me yesterday morning that his house arrest starts this morning. Yesterday evening, he asked if he could come by to get a few things sometime this evening because after tonight he will be on house arrest. So does it start in the morning or evening? Or at all? He told me that he doesn't know where his actual home plan will be because he still waiting to see if his Dad's senior citizen/disabled apartment will be approved. If it isn't, he will go to a halfway house. Okay, if his house arrest is scheduled to start TODAY, wouldn't he already know where he is supposed to be? He told me he had been staying with her. I am sure that is where is home plan is. With her and her parents, in their basement. Don't forget, my husband is a 35 year old man and his whore is 33. And living in parents basement. Nice.

Yes, he has me right where he wants me. He always has. This is exactly why he texted me the things he did. Just like saying, he hadn't came over to see our son or pick anything up because he couldn't face me. He couldn't face the pain he had caused.

He does manipulate me, I am aware of that. Just texting yesterday is proof of that. He said the things that I needed to hear to get my hopes back up. It worked. Just as I thought I was doing a little better. I won't say I am back to square one, but I am close.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 245 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
k8la
♀ Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An addict needs an enabler in his life. You were the best one he had, so he has to keep you on a string.

Have you started participating in any phone-meetings or online Nar-Anon or AlAnon meetings yet? I know you have the face-to-face one tomorrow - be sure you don't miss it for any reason.

Your own sobriety depends on you getting clean of your addiction TO HIM! Otherwise you will continue to make less than smart decisions for your life and the life of your son by keeping yourself involved with an unremorseful, manipulative addict.

You'll notice that addicts despise their enablers, but still will do everything they can think of to keep their enabler in their life, at least on the periphery so that they can stay addicted.

He won't get sober with you in his life. You have to let him fall, and your own sobriety depends on you leaving so you don't watch and desire his rescue.


Posts: 159 | Registered: Feb 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was re-reading the texts that he sent and realized that just yesterday, he lied at least 2 different times. Probably more, these are just the 2 I caught! He is lying so much that he can't keep up with them.

AND THIS IS WHY THE 180 IS SO IMPORTANT FOR YOU!!!!! TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING SUCKED INTO THE CRAZY.

Please Please Please, whatever you do, do NOT skip the Al-Anon meeting today. You are the enabler in a relationship with an addict. You have to learn that there is no shame being this person, but you also have to learn that as long as you remain this person, you will never have happiness. These meetings, these people will help you more than you know. The support, and feeling of belonging, all of that stuff will be 10 fold of what you are getting here with us.

You are one week into this time with your son being gone. Have you contacted a local womens shelter, food bank, united way? If not please do so. If you need help the sooner you ask for it the better. You don't want to wait to ask for help until the lights are turned off, the water is turned off, and so forth. There is paperwork involved, but sister it is worth the time and energy.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is so easily manipulated and I feel like he has so many people pulling him in so many different directions. He needs to step back from everyone, myself included, and really work on himself

If he's so easily manipulated how come you can't manipulate him into staying sober and make him give up his mistress? Obviously you haven't been able to do that. The only one being manipulated is you. As long as you keep reading his texts this is going to continue. There should be a button somewhere that says "delete".


Posts: 350 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
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