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Prison Time

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BaseballMom31 posted 7/17/2014 07:25 AM

Everything that my husband had was because of me also, Jomarion. Even the job he had was because a family member talked for him and practically begged his boss to give him a chance. It is obvious now that he came into our marriage with nothing and has left with nothing. Nothing except some clothes (which most of, I bought!) and his whore. Maybe she can support him and pay his mountain of bills now. Good luck with that.

You want him back, but you aren't really dealing with what that truly means. He isn't the man you think you know.

This is so true. I want the husband I HAD, yes with baggage and all. He isn't that man anymore. He never will be again. The trust I had for him is gone. I will never be able to regain that. I will never be able to fully trust him. I get that. Still doesn't make me miss THAT man or mourn any less for him. I feel as if I am mourning a death. And in reality, that may be easier.

I am glad that I had the strength to delete the picture and to not text back. It was so hard. Part of me wanted to see it. I don't know why. I guess the same reason that I kept looking at the pictures that she had posted on Facebook. All it did was make me hurt more. I don't know why I continued to torture myself that way.

I miss my husband EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. I still think of him nonstop. From about 3:30 this morning I had a country song stuck in my head but I only know the one line. And honestly I don't even know when I heard the song last...but the line is "That woman I had wrapped around my finger came unwrapped". Maybe that is a sign? Who knows what today will bring...I'm sure if his whore isn't around, he will be texting me. Wish me luck and strength. I need it.

tushnurse posted 7/17/2014 07:27 AM

Well if you helped pay for that four wheeler, and now you can't pay your bills, seems to me the four wheeler needs to be sold.

Look around what do you have that was his and worth something, tools, power tools and toys, get that shit on CL and get it gone. Put some cash in your pocket.

Contact your utility company and let them know what the situation is, and that you are willing to give them $5.00 a month as a effort to show you will pay when you can. If you or your son have ANY medical condition that it would be detrimental to your health to have power turned off, get a note from your Dr, and send it to them. Asthma with use of nebulizers, is the first one that comes to mind.

People will work with you on the bills stuff. So united way didn't have funds or resources, keep looking for places that can help. Catholic Charities, and Lutheran Family Services are great places to start, and NO you don't have to be of that faith.

You truly are in crisis mode here, and if you don't reach out for help it's going to get a lot worse. If you have a Mortgage talk to the bank, and let them know what is going on. You may qualify for loan modification, or some other help.

Stay strong. You are going to get through this. You have to, you don't have a choice. Your son needs at least one healthy parent.

BaseballMom31 posted 7/17/2014 07:38 AM

When he came a few weeks ago to the house, the first things that he took were the tools out to the garage. I am sure he has already sold or pawned anything that was of value. He admitted to stealing things so if he would sink that low, he would pawn or sell his own things.

Yes I helped pay for the 4wheeler and also a very expensive dirt bike. But they don't have titles so there is no way to prove that they are mine or even his for that matter. I would love to be able to sell them both. They are his pride and joys...and the root of some our problems also. So for now, I will have to just hope that while he is teaching his whore to ride and letting her ride it, she will tear it up or wreck it.

Thankfully, my son and I are both healthy. I kind of expected there not to be any funds for my area. I live in a very small rural area and there aren't a lot of resources. The resources that we do have are usually gone pretty quick. I did talk to the water department and they are letting me wait until I get paid again to pay. One advantage of being in a small town...the man that works for the city is actually the father in law of my husbands sister. She is totally different and does not have ANYTHING to do with her parents. She only visited my husband at our house. So her FIL knows the situation and hasn't ever been very fond of her family. So that will save my water from being disconnected. Hopefully I get paid again before I get anything from the electric company.

You are right, Tushnurse. I don't have a choice. I have to keep moving. Even if it is one step forward, two steps back. I have to.

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/17/2014 08:55 AM

Good for you, BBM! It took enormous strength to delete those hurtful pics. Block that "friend" and don't even worry about whatever kind of BS she is throwing your way. With friends like that...

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/17/2014 09:25 AM

Congratulations on starting to detach. That's a great step.

But, this:

I miss my husband EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.


Do you maybe mean you miss the wonderful past fantasy of what you thought he was?

This is one of the hardest things for us to admit to ourselves. The people we loved were not who we thought they were. Missing them is missing a non missing a dream you once had.

And, since you like C&W music, I've got one for you.

"There's not enough room in this double bed for the three of us."

Lionne posted 7/17/2014 10:23 AM

I think you should make a list of YOUR positive traits...

You are loyal.
You are a great mother
You are a hard worker

Get the picture? You need to start telling yourself that YOU are the prize, not him. He's an addict, he loves only his drug of choice, he isn't anyone's prize. YOU are.

He is a fool. You will realize that you are better off without him, and your son will be healthier for it...

Jomarion posted 7/17/2014 11:21 AM

Yes, YOU ARE THE PRIZE! That is true what scaredy cat said. How loyal, generous and good you seem just from these posts, what a gift to someone who truly deserves you. And from all this shit, you will be even stronger, a better woman from it. Hard to see now, believe me, I know from myself it is hard to see. One thing someone said to me here on SI, which I kept repeating to myself and helped me is:


And by letting him go, it will help him too. Tell the love you feel for him that - it will help him too. No one to prop him up may help him heal.

Jomarion posted 7/17/2014 11:42 AM

I had to chuckle a little in recognition when you said the first thing your husband took were his tools. My WBF took his tools too first thing! That is why I ended up phoning the police, he trespassed on my property after I told him not to for...his precious tools. Symptom of his pathetic values - inanimate objects, cold inanimate objects, the most important things to them. Wow....

BaseballMom31 posted 7/17/2014 11:57 AM

I have always struggled with having low self esteem. I think that is part of why I feel like he is the best for me. Up until recently, he has always worked hard to build my self esteem. But to be cheated on, crushed what self esteem I had. Which was basically makes me feel like I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough or just telling myself the good things is hard for me.

WeepingBuddhist- That "friend" has always been this way. She is also my cousin and the reason my husband and I ever got together! She likes to tell me the ALL the bad things and then be the one to try to pick me up. Several times in our lives, we have went years not talking because of how she is. At times, she seems to want to hurt me. Other times, she can be the best person and friend I could ask for. I do try to limit my contact with her for this reason.

Right now, there isn't anything of any real value left at my house of my husbands. He has most of his clothes, some small tools, family pictures and things his Grandpa left him. I would never keep those things from him because of the sentimental value. Some of the other not so sentimental things, may end up in the fire pit at some point. Maybe when I finally find that anger....

tushnurse posted 7/17/2014 12:17 PM

I have always struggled with having low self esteem. I think that is part of why I feel like he is the best for me. Up until recently, he has always worked hard to build my self esteem. But to be cheated on, crushed what self esteem I had. Which was basically makes me feel like I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough or just telling myself the good things is hard for me.

WOW!!! This is the definition of Codepenendency.
I was sooooooo like this too. My whole persona, and belief in myself was all based on what H thought of me. If he was happy with how I did everything I was happiest, and when he gave me a compliment no matter how small I would practically swoon. Then I had kids, and lost even more of myself. Then my world fell apart.

I realized with the help of the wonderful folks here, and a few books that I was codependent, and broken. It took a lot for me to realize that for me to be strong, and have good real, lasting self esteem, that I had to nurture that within myself. So I started doing things for me. I lost some weight with Dday, and I looked good, so I bought some clothes to show that off, for the first time in my life. I also threw out all my granny panties, and bought nothing but underwear and bras that made me feel sexy, feminine, and pretty. I started to do things for me. I chopped all my hair off, that I had kept long cause that's how he liked it. It was short and sassy, and went with my personality.
I started with some positive self talk. Everyday when I got ready for work, when I looked in the mirror I told myself that I was smart, fun, sexy, and awesome. I also made a promise to myself to do one nice thing for ME every single day. It could be anything from reading in the tub, to going for a walk with my favorite tunes jamming in my ears. But I still do those things EVERY DAY. I also know that I'm too fat, but still sexy, I know I'm a good mom, a crappy housekeeper, and an awesome chef. I accept the things about myself that are less than, and go on, I know I have the power to change them, if they meant enough to me I would.

You have to start to do these things for you. Have you gotten a copy of Codependent no more?
Are you going to the meeting today?
Start now. Do these things. YOU are more than capable, and the less you interact with what's his name the stronger you will become.

(((and strength)))

doggiediva posted 7/17/2014 12:25 PM

I understand the feeling of missing someone close..I keep wondering how everything suddenly changed on a dime....I keep going back in time to reminisce ...

I don't miss my WH per say, he is not the one I am talking about here.. I have had plenty of time to become thoroughly detached from my WH..

But I am going thru another situation..And I think many of my feelings could apply in your case with the loss of your dream of a good marriage with your WH..

My sister..

My sister is also my best friend..

I shared my innermost thoughts with her ( not the gross TMI kind ).

We lived in the same general area a little over 1 hour away from each other..

We met up to hang out about every two weeks or every month..Usually downtown, which was a 35-40 minute drive for both of us....

No matter how irritating my home life or work life got I had these hang outs to look forward to..

Then last year my sister moved about 2000 miles away...She still kept her volunteer job in our area, so she flew ( non-rev flights) here, every month, to do her day of volunteering.. Then she would spend the rest of the weekend hanging out with me and her daughter..

Gradually it got more difficult for my sister to plan her non rev flights around her volunteer schedule..So she had to resign from her volunteer job..

It has been almost 6 months since I saw my sister last..This is the longest time we have been apart in over 20 years..

What is frustrating is that my sister can't or won't give me a time window of when she will want to try to fly in to see me or let me fly in to see her..

It is hard to get her to pick up when I call, which is once in a blue moon.. I don't want to harass her, lol..

So I feel like I am losing this important connection in my life by no choice of my own..

There is a palpable grief, I miss her BADLY..Going downtown triggers me to sadness, due to the memories of the fun stuff my sister and I did there..

I do get together with friends every now and then , but nothing replaces what my sister and I did TOGETHER, or how I felt when I was with her..

This kind of loss is crazy making... No matter how close you are to your relative, friend or spouse, you cannot jump into his or her mind and read it..

So you wonder if a person's feelings about you were ever for real..I have already spoken with my normally forthcoming and straightforward sister about this situation...She denies being upset with me..But what I have to deal with are her actions, because those are what hurt..

This situation with my sister and I, for the time being anyway, feels like I am grieving a death...The death of a connection we had..It IS what it IS, I have been unable to say or do anything to change it, so now all I can do is pray..

So the only choice I have is to nurture myself...Enjoy my own company..Not let the world pass me by....Share/enjoy my time and attention with others...I don't want to be a shipwreck when my sister comes back to me, or when I decide that I have to live my life without her strong connection in it....

Even when one is doing all of the right things, all of the healthy things to live life, one must still take the time to grieve when necessary..To grieve that dream or connection in our life which was once strong but now fading..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:44 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

sadtoo posted 7/17/2014 12:53 PM

my husband texted around 5 and said that he was trying to find a ride over here to get some things he needs. He said he isn't driving because he doesn't know who is watching....blah blah blah. Instead of texting him back, I went outside and weeded my flowers. Big step for me!

This is VERY GOOD! and deleting that photo, even better. Now, just keep it up.

Yes I helped pay for the 4wheeler and also a very expensive dirt bike. But they don't have titles so there is no way to prove that they are mine or even his for that matter. I would love to be able to sell them both.

Doesn't matter weather there is a title or not. Depending on where you live and the divorce laws (again, PLEASE go see an attorney!) these vehicles are at least HALF yours. You could force him to sell them. Or the courts could order them returned to you and you can sell them. You need this money to keep a roof over your child's head and food on the table.

As far as him texting about any more of his property, do NOT allow him to take anything more from your house. Personal items, clothes, toiletries, etc, put them in a Hefty bag and toss them out in the garage driveway on your way to the post office. But DO NOT allow him back and DO NOT respond.

BaseballMom31 posted 7/17/2014 16:43 PM

I have lost 20lbs since May 14th, so I do feel a little better about myself. Only 9 more until I actually weigh what my license says I weigh. So I guess something good has came out of this nightmare.

I also needed constant reassurance from my husband. Maybe that pushed him away? I don't know. But I know it is something that I need to work on. I have lost myself along the way. I need to find ME again. I couldn't tell you the last time I did something for myself. My life revolved around my husband and son.

I have spoken to a lawyer but right now, finances are so bad that I can not actually file for divorce. And sadly, I really don't want to do that. I still don't want a divorce. I still hope EVENTUALLY something will change. It may be months from now or longer but maybe....just maybe...

I had a weak moment and ALMOST texted him. It was just something I noticed in the house that was always a running inside joke. Instantly I wanted to text him to say "we have 3 rolls of toilet paper left, should I panic now?" Little things like that are hard. No one else would get that. No one else shared what we have for the last 13+ years. How do I just throw all that away? How could he? These are the things I struggle with the most.

Sorry, weak moment. I AM trying to be strong. I REALLY am. He hasn't texted me or tried to contact me today. I don't plan on letting him come here anytime soon. I am not strong enough to see him. I would think he would actually be going on house arrest soon? I don't know though and wouldn't get an honest answer if I asked. So I won't. No personal or emotional questions. No contact. I can do this....I have no other choice.

Hopetosurvive98 posted 7/17/2014 17:23 PM

BBM-be proud you did not contact him when you felt the urge. Those urges will come less and less as you grow stronger. Be proud of these victories.
I want to address the statement asking if your need for reassurance drove him away. Um HELL NO!!! It has ZERO to do with you. Nothing, nada,zip. His choice to be a meth addict, his choice to abandon his wife and child to shack up with a new girlfriend, his choice to be a liar and a sleezebag. BBM you are in love with the idea of him and the reality is while I'm certain you had great moments he was many of the above things before you married him. So who made him be an addict back then? Who made him abandon his older child? Who made him take zero responsibility for that childs well being? Nobody but him! You see he's been this man all along and he will always be until HE sees fit to change-likely be never. But he will not change until he runs out if options of people who enable him and take the blame for him, and keep saving his ass.
Start focusing on you. You are a good person, a loving and dedicated mother, a hard worker and the list goes on. What is he??
Keep marching forward. Do not take the bait and remember what I said before about how he will react to you no longer anticipating by the phone. He will likely loose it or start throwing flowers and unicorns at you to get you back in line. He knows he might need you to serve his own selfish needs. Remember he is a liar and do not let him manipulate you. Stay away from communicating and keep holding strong. You are doing so good!
And yes the lawyer is a must. I imagine there must be someway to get help with an attorney. This motorcycles etc are marital property.
Anyhow great job BBM-stay strong!

sadtoo posted 7/17/2014 17:33 PM

I also needed constant reassurance from my husband. Maybe that pushed him away.

No. Nothing you did pushed him away. This was a CHOICE he made. If he wasn't happy for any reason, he could have talked to you, he could have suggested marriage counseling, or any number of things. But he chose to do drugs, disappear with no explaination & have an affair.

I have spoken to a lawyer but right now, finances are so bad that I can not actually file for divorce. And sadly, I really don't want to do that. I still don't want a divorce.

I don't think there is one person here who can actually say that they wanted a divorce when they filed. It's more about self preservation, self-respect, and protecting your assets, your future, and your son. And in your situation, you really, really, really need to think about your personal liability. You are married to a drunk and a drug addict. If he goes out and kills someone while driving, you could be paying off a wrongful death suit for the rest of you life. Think about that.

It sounds like you are getting stronger. Keep it up.

norabird posted 7/17/2014 19:12 PM

The weak moments are hard. Just hang in there.

What is an in-joke compared to being lied to and used? How can there be 'love' in the former when the latter is going on?

The more distance you get, the easier it will be.

k8la posted 7/17/2014 19:42 PM

Did you make it to the meeting today? What did you learn about being addicted to the addict?

cosmicjoke posted 7/17/2014 19:46 PM

BBM- I would lock up anything & everything you or your son has of any value (monetary or sentimental) before it gets stolen.. I could see that happening next. In a safe box at the bank if possible.
Just a few thoughts.. can you move in with your folks, a relative or friend? Times like this are when families are supposed to come together and protect their own. Do you go to a church? Even if you don't or you're not religious, you might be able to find some support there. That's what they're supposed to do- help others.
How about a local women's group or shelter? Crisis center?
Look in the phone book or ask the folks at Al-Anon. Someone somewhere should be able to help!

cosmicjoke posted 7/17/2014 19:47 PM

Yeah I was wondering about that too.. How was the meeting? Please tell us you went...!

BaseballMom31 posted 7/18/2014 07:29 AM

I did go to the meeting. I didn't speak other than to introduce myself and tell my who was the alcoholic in my life. I did not tell my story. It was a very awkward meeting. It only lasted about 30-45 minutes and there were only 4 other people there. They all seemed to know each other. They weren't rude or anything, but I felt like I had crashed a party uninvited. I have a family member who used to be a drug and alcohol abuse counselor and she is going to talk to some friends to see if she can find another meeting to go to. It really wasn't what I expected.

I didn't text him at all yesterday. Several times I wanted to. He didn't text me either. I know that is for the best but it really does bother me. I do expect to hear from him in the next few days. That seems to be his MO.

My dad texted me last night and told me that my son had begged to text him and he was crying. Finally, he let him. He did text him right back. Which is actually surprising. Dad said after he texted, my son was better. He just really misses his Dad. So do I. It isn't fair. It breaks my heart that my son is dealing with this. Just thinking about it, brings tears to my eyes.

I work at a Catholic school and I have talked to the priest here about setting up sometime to talk to him. Maybe that will help. I can't afford to drive to the counseling appointment so I hoping he can do that for me.

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