Atta girl for reaching out to the priest! I hope you will be amazed at how people who care will respond if you just continue to reach out.
Missing what you thought you had is so very normal. At some point you need to use the rational part of your brain to separate out what that was vs. what your reality is now. Men who love their wives and children don't treat them this way. Addicts USE everybody for their own selfish gain. That is very hard to admit but, it is so very true. Mourn the loss of your fantasy but, get a grip on your reality and your future.
I'm almost 58 and terrified of starting all over but, after a year and a half of dealing with addict thinking and behavior, I know anything has to be better than this.
Keep going Honey! You are smart, loving and stronger than you know! Your strength will provide much needed security for your little boy.
I was reluctant to reach out to the priest also. I am just worried about what everyone will think. I don't want to lose my job because of him. I worry about that. I work with a lot of prominent parents...what if they found out about him and didn't trust me with their kids?
I realize that what my husband is NOW isn't what he always was. I don't what him NOW. I want the memories of the good stuff back. I don't want to be alone either. I am terrified of starting over. I don't know any different than him....I am 35 and have almost always been with him. I don't even know how or where to begin. It scares the bejeesus out of me to be without him.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
You remind me a lot of myself many years ago when I was married to my X-POS-WH.
I was the QUEEN of denial. And the definition of co-dependent. X-POS-(piece-of-shit)-WH was, like yours, an alcoholic, abusive, a liar, a cheater and in constant trouble.
I made excuses for him, covered up for him, propped him up, paid for attorneys, refinanced my house several times to pay off his debt, etc, etc, etc.
I used to think he would eventually grow up and stop drinking and be responsible. I used to think that if people really knew him like I did, they would see, like me, that he was really a wonderful person.
EVERY SINGLE TIME he got into trouble, or something bad happened to him, it was someone else's fault. Someone had always done him wrong. He was the forever victim. I felt sorry for him. He'd get fired from his job, I'd help him find another one. Lather, rince, repeat.
When I found out he had been cheating on me (through our whole marriage) I couldn't believe it. And I couldn't believe he could be so cruel to me as he was. I kept thinking, this isn't the real him.
It took me a long time to realize and accept that the nice loving guy I had married never existed. THAT man was all an act. The REAL guy was the liar, the cheater, the abuser, and the alcoholic.
I was so screwed up when I got out of that mess, I didn't even know which way was up. I was 39 years old and thought my life was over.
Today I am 53, remarried to a wonderful man who is completely different in every way from my ex. It's almost embarrassing to me today to realize that I had accepted the horrible treatment my ex dished out to me.
I think the fact that you are worried about what others think tells me you know deep down how bad things have been. But maybe you're just not quite ready to accept it. I get that. I've been there too. And I am here to tell you, the ONLY way to clear your head of all the BS clutter he has polluted you with is to remain no-contact. Stick with it. NC = no more hurt.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:41 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE him.
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
NC is best for me because I am STILL that blind, naive, stupid little girl that wants to know he loves me and wants me. I know I couldn't turn him away if he needed me. How do you turn your back on someone you love so much? And yes I still make excuses for him when my friends and family say bad things. He is off his meds, he has mental issues, meth changes a person....blah blah blah. Silly, I know.
He is toxic. We don't need the heartache. I get that. But I still miss him, I still love him. I WILL be better off without him, eventually. But that doesn't make the heartache, the hurt, the loneliness or the feeling of being lost, empty and terrified without him.
This is who he has always been, he just did a fantastic job of hiding it from me, of convincing me that he was the father and husband we needed. He just couldn't hide it anymore. His demons took over. Maybe he will get better, but it won't last. It will always be like this. I am surprised he did as good as he did for as long as he did.
I am very screwed up right now. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially....he really did a number on me. I have a huge mess to dig myself out of while he enjoys his life with his whore. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about how easy and carefree his life is while I worry about EVERYTHING.
I am sorry my posts seem so bipolar. My mood and feelings change minute to minute. I just want this whole nightmare to end. Sadly, I don't see the end happening for awhile. The light at the end of the tunnel just seems to keep getting farther and farther away.
I get that too. I was the same way. This was probably the most difficult for me to get over ~ the feeling that I was so stupid. But you know what? I wasn't stupid. And neither are you. When someone sets out to deceive you by presenting themselves as someone/something they are not, that is no reflection on you. All you did was love who you thought you married. There is no shame in that. If you knew then all that you know now, you probably wouldn't have ever married him.
Have you heard the parallel between abuse and the frog in the hot water? If you heat the water and then throw the frog into the water, he will jump out. But if you put the frog in while the water is cool and gradually heat it up, the frog will stay in the water until the water boils.
Same with abuse. It doesn't all come on at once. You become "conditioned" to the abuse. If the abuse came on strong in the beginning, you would have told him to F-off and been out the door. But it starts off slow, gradually becoming worse. And the victim stays. And here you sit, not even realizing just how bad things have really gotten.
Keep working on you. Keep reading. Keep going to meetings. Try to make going to therapy a priority.
You deserve a better life for you and your son.
I haven't heard from him still. I don't expect to over the weekend. But I think by Monday or Tuesday, I will. Maybe not, though. I have no clue what is going on in that messed up head of his.
Weekends are hard. We did a lot together, as a family on the weekends. Now I am alone and he is with her. That kills me. Evenings are hard on me, too. That is when I have nothing to do but think. And when I really realize that something is missing from my home. And right now, it doesn't feel like a home.
I learned quickly to find an online meeting, but more importantly I got a sponsor who helped me work through the steps. The sponsor was the most important part of my recovery but the only way I would have met her was through the online meetings and watching who seemed to be the most sober about their recovery. Then I asked her to sponsor me through the step work.
I'll bet along the way, you have lost you.
Who are you? What defines YOU? Think about the things in your life that you did that made you happy that have been pushed aside for or because of him. You mentioned your garden. What else?
If you're like me, I let everything I loved go onto the back burner while I focused on my X-POS-WH. And in that process, I lost ME.
Get back to doing the things that YOU love do do.
It is so funny that you said that about losing myself, Sadtoo. I just told a friend yesterday that I had lost ME. I don't know how to be anything but his wife and a mom. I became so wrapped up in my family that I lost myself along the way. And yes, his issues were a big part of why.
Today has been really hard for me. I have slept most of the day. All I can think about is him. I have wanted to text him so many times. Some days are just so much harder and today is one of those.
And for God's sake quit telling yourself that he is happy and living it up. He isn't he is a fucked up addict that is desperately searching for his next high. He has no conception of what fun, happy, stable, good, or any positive feelings are. He is an addict that is all he knows and all he understands his life is is sad and pitiful. He chose this. He chose this sad broken existence over love and happiness, safety, security, and family. Do NOT feel sorry. Do not blame you.
[This message edited by cosmicjoke at 10:56 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]
In an abusive/addiction relationship, (like yours) your are putting your spouse first and he is putting himself first. Nobody is taking care or looking out for you.
I hope your weekend turned out better than it started.
Today is day #5 with no contact. I know that is a good thing but it really bothers me. I still don't understand how he can just completely forget about the life we had. He just walked away so easily. It kills me.
I spent yesterday laying in the pool...still alone but doing one of my favorite things. However, I spent a lot of that time crying and thinking and crying and thinking. It is a vicious cycle....I just miss my family so bad. It is getting better though. I still cry A LOT but not as much as I did.
I considered taking all of our family pictures down this morning...at 3 am, when I couldn't sleep. But I am afraid that will really bother my son when he comes home. I don't want him to think that I have given up on his Dad or am trying to get rid of him. How do I handle that?
You need to give yourself a set time for crying, daily in the shower, at night before going to sleep the rest of the time when you feel down, do something productive, and healthy for you.
I have vowed to not cry in front of him anymore or to even let him see me sad. He is too worried about me and he shouldn't be. He is only 9. He shouldn't have to call and check on his mom. I hate what my husband has done to him. Bastard.
Put up other pictures in their place. Find some cute pictures of your son and you together or just your son and put those in the frame. Print them yourself or email them to Walmart and have them print them. Watch for sales & coupons. You can get this done very, very inexpensive.
Another thing I did was redid my house so things didn't look the same as when XH was there. Even though $ is tight, there are ways to do this, even on a tight budget. Switch bedrooms with your son. Look around for any left over paint and mix it all together and see what color you get, then paint the walls. If you have several cans of white or off white, take it in to a paint store and have them "tint" this paint. Some places will do this for free. This will also keep you busy & your mind off him. And it will give you a sense of accomplishment.
I don't know where you live, but it is going to be HOT here over the next few days, so doing anything inside would be good.
I borrowed this from another thread I saw this morning because it made me think of you!
Praying you are gathering your strength for a happier future!
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 5:41 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
He texted last night around 10:30. He just said that his phone is going to be off for the next few days until he can get the money to pay for it. He just has one of those AT&T GoPhones. Guess his whore won't pay for it? His wife would have...oh well. I didn't text him back. I don't know why he bothered to tell me. It isn't like he has been communicating with me anyway. Today is #6 of NC for me.
I am starting to get mad more and it is starting to last a little longer each time. I need to find my anger. Especially for what he is doing to our son. At times, I hate him. I don't understand how I can hate someone and miss/love them so much at the same time. This is such a rollercoaster of emotions. It is crazy. But it is my life right now...up down up down....with a lot of crazy twists and turns. I HATE IT.