SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Come back with me just a few short weeks. Would you have believed it if I had promised you that in a few weeks you'd be going six days of NC without dying? That, BBM, is progress.
I want to encourage you to go back to alanon for just a few more meetings. I know it all sounds contrived and odd. But listen to the steps, the traditions, the keys, the problem. After a few meetings it really starts to sink in and help. A support group like this saved my sanity, helping me to see in not alone. Helping me to detach, from him, from the behaviors, and to focus on what matters.
These programs work.
Good for you. Small steps.
Way to go, BBM! You couldn't have ignored him for six HOURS a couple of weeks ago. Keep taking care of yourself!
No, I would have never believed that I could survive 6 days! I could barely survive 6 minutes! I will admit it has been a LOOOOOOONNNNNGGG 6 days. But in the process of the no contact, I have become stronger. I still want to text/call/contact him on a daily basis but I won't let myself. I have to show him that I am okay, even if I don't feel it!
He needs to miss me....maybe he isn't, I don't know. But I would like to think he is....
Way to go BBM!!!! Be proud of yourself! You are getting stronger every single time you ignore him and resist contact. You are empowering yourself and seeing first hand there is more to life then being manipulated, used, and abused. Huge progress!
Why did he bother to text?? Well this is my theory...just to test the water and throw a little "I'm still here, don't foget me because i might need you" out to you to see if you are still on the line if he starts reeling. You didnt bite and I hope you are proud! Who knows if its true or not about the phone being out of order and who cares. Nobody should be paying that bill but him!! Not you or the girlfriend but him. But who cares why- Keep this momentum going, keep nourishing your strength, keep finding your power and taking care of yourself. Do it for you and for your son because you both deserve so much more.
You are doing SO GREAT!!
He texted last night around 10:30. He just said that his phone is going to be off for the next few days until he can get the money to pay for it.
^^^^ This should really make you angry! This was his way of asking you to pay for his phone bill!!! He doesn't text or call to see how you're doing, do you have enough food, $, etc, but he calls to "let you kow his phone is going to off"??? This is a ploy for sympathy. And him hoping that the old you would answer right back with "I'll pay your bill for you."
GREAT job not taking that bait.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:50 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
'Living it up'..??? Ha. Yeah right.. Let's see how long THAT'll last...
I get the feeling that any day now he will run out of money/ drugs and he & the scumbag will wake up & see each other in the brutal light of day, ((ugh)).. the party will come to a screeching halt- and he'll have an 'oh sh!t- what have I done?' rock bottom moment.. and he'll wanna crawl back home. I hope you are taking real steps to surround yourself with a fortress of support. Even getting out of your house to start over somewhere else if possible. That also sends a clear message that you are done, and he can't come home again when it's convenient for him. All this is, of course, easier said than done.. but keep asking for help. I would hate to see you make such progress and then have him show up on your doorstep like a lost puppy dog, tugging your heartstrings, with all kinds of empty promises and then ruin everything. (i.e. your progress). He knows he can work your emotions and he can & will play that card when the time is right.
So be prepared with a plan, whatever it is you decide to do- protect yourself!
Yes, he SHOULD be paying for his own things...however, I don't see how he can do that. I honestly doubt he is "working" like he says he is. Doesn't really matter, I guess. I honestly didn't think of it that way, Sadtoo. I just figured he was making excuses as to why he wouldn't be contacting me. Not that it matters either. He hasn't been contacting anyway. I wouldn't have paid it, if I could have. I am done taking care of him. Let someone else do it. His girlfriend is good enough to leave his home and family for, she should be good enough to take care of him.
That is what I thought, Hopetosurvive. He was just checking to see if I was still sitting there waiting. I just figured he was using that as an excuse to text something, anything. Just to reel me in....
I used to think that too, Cosmicjoke. But I don't know now. I think he likes where he is. Money or no money. I think he enjoys the freedom of no responsibilities, no household bills or chores, and no tired wife. There is no doubt in my mind that he WILL hit rock bottom, even though I really thought going to prison WAS rock bottom. I think he has farther to go. I do know that IF he does want to come home, it will be because he HAS to. Not because he WANTS to. I mean that as he has no where else to go. I would think that parents would get tired of having their 33y/o daughters, married 35y/o boyfriend living with them. Especially since I know he isn't contributing financially!
I feel strong when I am not talking to him. I don't know if I could keep that up if he did start the "I miss my family. Poor, poor me" routine. I hope that I can.
BBM- you are strong enough-you are. You are proving it everyday and yes if he starts up with his lies to try to save his own ass it will be a great big challenge for you, but you are strong enough. I am so proud of you and be proud of yourself. Without him and his manipulation and crazy making you are able to think clearly and your possibilities for a better life are endless. You are doing so well! Keep it up.
Thank you! I honestly could not have done it without the great support (and yes, sometimes 2X4's!) that I have gotten here. I know that I still have a long way to go. But each day, I get just a little stronger!
A positive attitude is a very good thing. You no longer sound desperate and fearful. You seem to have realized that there is life without WH the addicted cheater.
Yours is one of the sadder stories as many here saw the futility of attempting to reconcile with him. He'd have to be struck by lightning or something to have a sufficient turnabout to be a worthy husband and father.
Sorry for my 2x4's to you (i.e. telling you that you would become your MIL unless you detached from WH) but sometimes the reality is harsh. Those who knocked you are informal members of Team Reality who do mean well if sometimes too blunt.
Keep up the good work!
I desperately needed those 2X4's! I was so desperate to believe EVERYTHING he told me, even when I knew it was an outright lie! My MIL is definitely NOT someone I want to be. And I have said that for years! But now, I see how she got to this point. She too just wanted to believe my FIL and I think she thought (like I did and maybe still do) that she could FIX him. And as long as he came home to her to she could deal with everything else. I am glad I found you guys BEFORE I got to that point! You saved us from years of the abuse!
It is a very sad story. If it were just me, it wouldn't hurt so much. But I have to think of my innocent little boy. He definitely does NOT deserve this. I just can't believe that it got to this point.
I knew that the drug relapse could happen at anytime. But the longer it went, the better the chances were that it wouldn't. At least, that is what I continued to tell myself. Boy was I ever wrong!?!
How funny...just got a text that says "my phone is back on." And I got that funny feeling in my stomach as soon as I saw "Cheating Bastard" on my phone. I hate that he can do that to me.
Just ignore it. Why should you care that his phone is back on. He used up his minutes before texting/talking with OW and/or drug supplier. Not you and not your son.
Please don't be his support system. He can't or won't hold a job, and his "need" for you is simple: money.
Haven't you been more peaceful these past 6 or 7 days? Do you really want to return to those thrilling days of yesterdays where you held your phone waiting for him to contact you? Remember when he simply disappeared for 16 days? That is no way to live.
Ignore it just like you have been. I swear he's testing you to see if you're there anticipating by the phone-it sure wasn't off long! Don't be surprised if he starts ramping up as you ignore. For the abuser and manipulator realizing they are losing their power and plan B might slip away can result in crazy behavior. No matter keep this momentum as you know communication with him adds to your hurt and confusion-it will only set you back. Keep marching forward and post here I stead of replying to him. You are doing so well and I think you're seeing him and his actions now for what they are. He only wants to use you. Good work BBM!
Please remember that even though you say that he was drug free he was using alcohol and that means he was NOT clean.
He is checking to see if you are still waiting for him. Do not respond. Do not allow yourself the fantasy of him being clean or him getting it. He does NOT he will NOT. You have to realize that he is choosing this path and it has zero to do with you. He is sick and broken and he is doing you and your son a favor. Your son does deserve better so it's up to you to provide that for him.
I know you truly see him as he is now. I know in your heart you want him to come back and be the man you want him to be. You also want your son to have his daddy.
Right now and into the future, he isn't fit to be a daddy or a good husband. Until he gets help and plenty of it for his addictions, you don't need this man around your son. He is not safe. Hear me....he is NOT SAFE! Drugs mess you up, and he has definitely been messed up for some time.
You hang on, stay strong. I hear in your posts the yearning you have for your son. However if he were to come back in this physical shape it wouldn't be pretty. You have to protect you son, first and foremost. So stay the course, get strong, don't take any of his excuses for reality. Reality is, he is going to jail, he choose to go to OW, and for the drugs with her. He doesn't check on how you and son are. He just wants no responsibility.
You are getting stronger each day. We are all proud of you. We know it is hard to back away and let them flounder. But you can't fix him. No way, no how.
[This message edited by momentintime at 2:32 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]
You aren't maried to him any more. You are married to drugs and alcohol and OW. The guy you married is buried under all those things.
Until you accept this as your reality, you will still have hope if and when he sends you any communication.
Please stay strong for you and your son. Detach. Detach. Detach.
Good Morning BBM.
I'm just getting up to speed on your situation so forgive me if this has already been asked, but, is there a reason why you haven't blocked his number yet?
Just seeing call come in causes you pain. That says a lot. Do you need to even know he's calling? You're not going answer anyway. His OW can deal with his problems, they're hers to deal with now. Make things easier on yourself.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:34 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]
I did respond when he texted but only with "K". I didn't hear anymore from him. However, just that little bit of communication from him really bothered me. I had that pit in my stomach. I hate that feeling. I hate that my marriage has came to this point.
I do believe he is testing me, too. Just needs to stay on my radar so I don't forget him. Oh how I wish I could....I do think it will be awhile before he actually starts ramping up his strategy. Right now, he is happy with his whore. Well, as happy as he can be. When the fun and new wears off, then he will start texting/calling more often. Maybe. I really don't know anymore. I am so confused right now that I am not even sure of the things that I was once so sure of. Does that make sense? This has just been such a disaster.
I am having a hard time realizing that the end of my marriage has nothing to do with me. I realize that he is broken and sick and that he has done this to us. But part of me still feels guilty. Like I should have done more or tried harder.
He is very messed up. He is trying to self medicate to take care of his mental issues. I called the pharmacy and asked how many refills he had left, just out of curiosity. I had picked up his meds right before he left on May 14th and he had 1 refill left at that time. I was told he still has one left and that was the last time they had been picked up. So he is definitely NOT taking his meds. Instead, he is using the drugs and alcohol to self medicate. That was what he did years before and at that time he attempted suicide. That scares me.
On a positive note, my sweet boy will be home today! I am so ready to see him! This has been the longest that I have ever been away from him. I miss my rotten boy! But at the same time, I am worried about how to handle him wanting to talk to his Dad.
Twitchy- I have a feature on my phone that says "Block Calls" and I tried to do that to his Dad when he was being hateful and awful to me. But he was still able to text. An actual phone call couldn't come through but texts could. That is usually all that my H does. He rarely calls.
I may be able to do something through the phone company but I haven't tried that.