Do not concern yourself with your husband's situation right now. He's a grown man. You have a child to care for and that is all that should matter. I understand that you love your husband but he is digging a hole right now and you don't want to get pulled into it.
This little story from my life may help you in relation to your son witnessing your distress. Years ago I had a boyfriend from Denmark, where I lived at the time. Denmark is very peaceful, very socially-advanced. Little violence, and it seems sort-of 'perfect' when you first live there. But my boyfriend had an awful time in relationships. Why? He said he had never seen his parents fight, he had never seen turmoil, all the 'perfection' left him very weak and clueless as to how to handle conflict in both personal relationships and socially. He was often suicidal. Denmark has a very high suicide rate.
He said he needed and wished for more distress in his life as a child. Because it would have taught him how to handle it as an adult.
Everyone will have problems in their lives. Your son witnessing your distress and then how you conquer it and survive it is a valuable gift for his later years. Your own courage and fight in the midst of this tornado in your life is giving him tools to survive when he is an adult.
Probably many people would disagree with what I say above. But I have seen with my own eyes some of the strongest, most inspiring and heroic adults have emerged from lives that as children defied all comprehension at how they survived at all.
Your son sounds like he has a very good heart and a very good soul. And he has a mom who obviously loves him very much. It is my belief that years from now this experience will make stronger and more finely-tune that goodness already inherent in him.
I hope what I say is of help.
I would also URGE you to get in touch with food banks, and local charities. These can help you as well. Parish nurses do a great job of helping find resources and help. They don't care what your faith is. But sister they will help.
Glad a little touch of Karma has come down on them.
Hang in there girl. You are strong, capable and will be amazed at yourself in a year.
They had my address has where my husband is living with his whore! Not my home address. So i texted him to see if he had applied and put me on there. He said he did apply because even working 2 jobs, he is struggling. And I should have my boyfriend buy me some food.
This guy is such a fucking SCUM-BAG! Now he is STEALING food from your son. If this doesn't flip the switch from love to hate, nothing will.
You need to go to your local office and get this straightened out right now. Then, you need to go straight to the police and report this. He needs to go back to jail too.
Although you are doing much better, I am still "hearing" this "hope" that he is going to come back and things will be ok. You seem to be placing much (if not all) of the blame on the OW in this situation.
You need to start thinking farther ahead than "if he would just come home" type thinking. And you have to start thinking with your HEAD rather than with your heart. You have to start being more rational.
You are dealing with a CRIMINAL who is addicted to drugs and alcohol. You are dealing with a person who is actively causing you AND YOUR SON pain and suffering.
File for divorce now. File for child support. And report him for this theft by deception attempt.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE him.
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
You have a zillion reasons to be angry and I hope you are finding that burning inside of you now. What he did was steal food from his own childs mouth to make sure he and his girlfriend had food. Meanwhile they are using and at least she (if not he) is dealing drugs. He has told you in many ways just how much he really cares about his child. He couldn't care less about what happens to his children so long as he has a roof and food and someone to enable him, fund him, and cover his ass.
I agree with Sadtoo above me, I see a huge change in you BBM, I see you getting stronger but I still hear that hope in you that he will come home. I have no doubt he will come home. I wouldnt doubt if he isnt already trying to get plan B back on track now that his whore is in jail. You do have to start thinking with your head. NC has cleared you enough to start to see this man for what he is. If he comes home, if he tells you what you want to hear, if he makes all sorts of promises IT is ONLY because he needs you. Not because of love or desire to change it is only because he needs a place to go and someone to pay the bills. Do not be his doormat and do not teach your son this is how to be treated. He is learning from you how to be in a relationship. Teach him to be strong and be respected and anything less isnt worth his time.
BBM Ive followed your story since day 1 and since that very day your H has felt very familiar to me. I have an uncle that is very much the same as your H except his drug of choice is booze and lots of it. He is many years older then your H and it is like a window into the future of what you can expect from your H should he never be made to stand alone.
I will tell you that my uncle was/is a major alcoholic and started probably in his early 20's. He always found an enabler whether it be his mother, a girlfriend and and later his wife. He'd go to whoever he could manipulate into taking care of him. Hed get drunk and drive and wreck and someone would be there to pick up the pieces and buy him a new car, pay the fines, etc. He never held a job long. Always fired or would quit for some nonsensical reason. He accrued something like 7 DUI's but always had someone save his ass from jail time. He got married and would come and go as he pleased, he cheated and left because the girlfriend was a drunk too so I guess they could party and relate to eachother. She dumped him eventually and he ran back to the wife within a few days (who they now have a small daughter) promising treatment and change, and so very sorry and agreeing he has a problem and will get help, and blah, blah, blah. She took him back hoping and praying to keep her family in tact for their toddler. But the "changed man" didnt last long, only long enough to get comfortable and it was all of 3-4 months before he was back to drinking and cheating and making it her fault. She gathered her courage and divorced him. He never paid a cent for his child and blamed the mom of course. He bounced right back to my grandmother who took car of him and paid his bills and bought him another car, she always felt sorry for him and that he had "bad luck" and that it was always his "bad influence friends" and later "his miserable wife" it was just never his fault.
He went back to my grandmother in 1991 and he still lives with her today. He has gone through probably 50+ more jobs and has now been unemployed for 8 yrs. He has drained my grandmother of every cent of her savings, Still drinks all day every day. Still has never held a job longer then a few months, still blames everyone else for his bad choices and now his addiction is killing him. He has visited his daughter twice since the divorce in 1990 and has never paid support. He now has grandchildren he has never seen. It could have been different had someone forced him to face his consequences and stopped allowing him a soft place to fall.
BBM stop being your WH soft place to fall. You cannot help him-HE MUST help himself, want it for himself, and be forced to stand up and face the consequences of his choices. He needs to be in jail and truly that is what is best for him.
You cant change him, you can change you. You've come a long way. Believe in yourself and believe in a better future for your son. You can do this! Check in and let us know how you are.
[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 11:49 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]
She made the front page of our local paper, mug shot and all. She is definitely a classy looking whore, definitely has the doper look. She was one of 21 arrested in a bust. The paper says the investigation had been going on for 2 years. I wonder how he feels about his new life now? Sure doesn't seem like it is off to a very good start. Him on house arrest and her facing more drug charges. Way to improve his life...
Anyway, I have been trying to contact DFS all day and I am just getting a recording that the system is down. I will keep trying. He told me that he is working construction during the day and at KFC in the evenings but he told them at the food stamp app that he is unemployed. Okay, he has to notify his po of his job as part of the house arrest and parole. Does he not think that the DFS would find out he has lied? He may or may not be working, he is such a liar. I would bet he is working with a friend during the day making cash.
I guess I do have hope that he will still want to come home. I want to ask him so bad if he regrets his choices and misses our family, our life. But I know IF he were to come home, it wouldn't be for the right reasons. Not because he wants to fix things, but because he has no choice. I can't put my son through that again. He just doesn't understand. I think he realizes that his Dad is in a bad spot right now. But like me, he misses what we HAD. I think we both always will.
I know within a year, he will be in prison, if not sooner. His whore probably will be too. I realize that this is the person that he has always been. He just couldn't keep up the act any longer. He chose this life over ours. Just like his whore chose drugs over her children. They deserve each other. My child and I WILL BE better off.
I do have an appointment on Friday with a lawyer. Right now, I am being threatened with a lawsuit over his truck. I am going to see if there is anything that can be done to make him take responsibility for that. I am also going to see what my options are regarding divorce and child support. But someone that is already 15 grand behind on one child isn't going to pay for another. He wouldn't have paid what he did through the years if it hadn't been for me.
I don't feel strong at all. But I know what has to be done. I have to face reality. The man I fell in love with, built a family and a home with is dead. My marriage is dead, too.
I guess I do have hope that he will still want to come home.
Why? You have an out now, completely blame-free.
What makes you think this cycle won't repeat, with a different OW, if he does come back?
I think he realizes that his Dad is in a bad spot right now. But like me, he misses what we HAD. I think we both always will.
Your job is to protect your son, not be his friend.
Using your son as justification for wanting this guy back is not in his best interest.
I told her that I would text MY husband anytime that I wanted
Do not reply to any texts from her. 'Crickets' are your friend.
I learned long ago that anytime I would do an instant reply text....it was always not a good thing.
If I just let it alone for awhile - I made better judgment calls for my side (and my mental health).
[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:29 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]
God I am so over this immature bullshit! Grow up!! Her friend is pissed because people are sharing the newspaper lunk. Guess what? Not my problem! I don't have Facebook and don't give a damn what people share on their page! I couldn't stop them even if I did still have one.
Is there an DFS office you can go into and see if you can speak with someone directly? Maybe that will get things moving quicker. As others have said look into all sorts of assistance and see what is available out there.
BBM you have been through the ringer but reality has set in. You have to protect yourself from these two drug addicts and criminals. You see your H clearly now. Time to act and protect that precious child.
BBM one last time-do not engage! Go totally NC on everyone associated with WH and his whore. You are way to good to go get down in the mud with a bunch of pigs. Keep your head up. Stay strong and post here.
After quite a bit of tongue lashing from my cousin, she did apologize for bringing an innocent child into it and took the post down. But the thing is, it has nothing to do with her!! She is the whores friend! So NONE of this should concern her! Oh and she said people would be surprised if they really knew the circumstances of the whores arrest. No they wouldn't. It was drugs. Everyone knows she is a dopehead. So no one is surprised that she was arrested AGAIN!
I know this is all a little off topic from my cheating husband but I really needed to vent. Because HE caused this. I absolutely hate him right now and I want him to hurt and suffer as bad as we have!
Do they have nothing better to do than sit around and think of ways to hurt me? I did text him and tell him he needed to do something about it because it was none of their business. Maybe, just maybe, he really didn't know it was going on....but I doubt it.
This situation will never improve for you or your child until you face the fact that this man is a user and a drug addict. He is not coming back. Given all that he has done, why on earth would you even want him to? Doesn't matter how long he led you to believe he was clean - he isn't now and I suspect he hasn't been for a long time if ever. He is toxic and circling the drain. If you don't get it in gear and put him and his nonsense behind you, he is going to drag you down with him.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you really need to put the focus on your son and his well being.
Every single time you engage with these fools, you open yourself up for more hurt. It doesn't matter what they say about you. Anyone who knows you won't believe that stuff and will consider the source of the nonsense.
Shut them out and stop trying to defend yourself against ridiculous accusations. THAT'S NOT WHAT MATTERS! You have just a few more years before your son hits adolescence and everything that is playing out right now WILL impact and shape his future.
Please get yourself together and pay attention to what really matters now. Please teach him that you both deserve to be respected and loved and not that you allow yourself to be dragged down and emotionally beaten up in the name of "love".
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:03 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell
The whole Facebook thing pisses me off because they brought my son into it. They can say what they want about me, but leave him out of it! He is an innocent little boy! They have no right to say anything at all about him! And they sure as hell have no right talking about the way I parent! I will do what is best for him and right now going to visit his Dad is NOT a good idea. Especially while he is living with someone who has already lost her own kids! Even if he wasn't, I need to KNOW he is clean before my child spends anytime with him. So yes, it pisses me off that they have the nerve to talk about me, but him?! I don't think so!!
I did not say anything to them. My cousin did, she handled it much better than I probably would have. I did text him, but only because he is his son, too. Surely he wouldn't want saying anything negative about him. But I don't know, I have been wrong about him before....
I hate him so much right now. I am so mad that he has done this to us! I am finally seeing the real him. I am finally comforyable enough to say that I am done. I am done with all this immature bullshit. He can have his dopehead whore and her friends. I don't want or need his shit anymore.
He knows all of this..and is choosing her over you and your son.
Stop telling him what his whore is doing..He knows.
You say you are done. Then file. Tomorrow.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.