SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
So proud of you for ignoring the call. You do realize that if you had answered it - he would have said something stupid, you would have felt hurt, and the rest of the Monster Track Rally would have been spent being frustrated --- instead you had a wonderful time.
Good for you.
I hope you realize those friends are doing anything they can to help you. They are also willing to do more. So let them. Rely in friends and family to help you get your legs and strength back. You will and then the world better look out!!!
Keep on kkeeping on.
Oh if I had answered, he would have most definitely ruined the night for me, in turn ruining it for our son. We both needed to have some fun and not think about this nightmare. The more I think about it though, the more I think it was another buttdialing. If not, he would have texted or actually left a message. Accident or not, I don't know. But since he hasn't texted me and I haven't him, my name or number shouldn't have been easily dialed. I do believe he accidently, on purpose, dialed one other time so that I would hear his conversation.
Friday came and went without him texting to see our son, like he promised him. He was supposed to have "free time" on his bracelet on Wednsday and Friday and told him he was going to see him. Of course, I knew better. And that was when I decided to not let my son text anymore. I am not going to pick up the pieces after he outright lies to him anymore. I do not have to let him see him, after talking to the lawyer, I know that now. I was unsure before.
I couldn't talk to anyone about the food stamp issue, caseworkers are not available on Friday. So I will be trying again on Monday. That is a huge stressor, right now.
That and school clothes. Ugh. My son has a birthday coming up, too. I am really worried about it. It will be his 10th and his first without his Dad.
BBM-I am proud of you! I hope you feel proud too. Butt dial or intentional it doesn't matter because you ignored and felt empowered. You had fun and you laughed. Had you answered it would have ruined your night. You are making huge strides every single day.
I fully agree with stopping the texting between your son an WH. He is getting hurt through WHs empty words. Protecting him from that is a good idea. Your WH cannot be a father right now and who knows if ever-hopefully one day. Anyhow good idea in ending the text exchanges.
I know your stressed right now, only deal with what is in front of you right now, try not to let it overwhelm you. One day at a time. Food stamps Monday and then move on to preparation for school and birthday. Maybe family and friends might help? If so let them it's ok to accept help. Things will get better and better. I'm so glad you laughed and had fun. BBM it is going to get better and you will see how strong you've become. You are a strong woman and a great mom. So much progress-be proud.
You have made giant strides since you first started posting here. Remember that abandoned woman who was hoping and praying at her WH would at least text her? Imagine if you hadn't been strong enough to pull yourself up away from that dependent situation. Now your concerns are far more practical and more importantly about getting on with your life and your son's life.
I hope others following in your footsteps can keep,up with your progress.
And I think I noted you posting to some other bread where another needed help. I hop she finds this thread and sees that despite despair and longing, you can detach and improve your life. How much better are you sleeping now? Interacting with others?
Thank you! I have noticed a lot of progress from 2 months ago until now, but I still have A LOT of way to go! Nights are still very hard for me, I don't sleep much.
I honestly never thought I would ever feel better about my situation. But I see now, that I will be better off eventually. I had ignored so many warning signs because I wanted my family.
I feel the difference in myself and I see the difference in my son. He missses his Dad but I really think he feels some relief to. Hopefully one day, he can be the father my son deserves. But if not, he still has my Dad and Step Dad. They have never let him, or me, down. And they will never walk away, no matter how hard things get.
As for school supplies and his birthday, my parents will come through...like they always do. We are going to get stuff this week. I have a great support group, even when I don't agree with them. I know that it could always be worse...of course, 2 months ago, I didn't believe that. I thought it was the end of the world. I hope others realize that it WILL get better, that isn't just something people say.
Last night was a little rough for my son. He was crying pretty hard for his dad. I told him that his dad could not come home like this and I kind of explained that if he did, my sin could possibly get taken away. He understands that a little because he has a friend at school who is in foster care. I didn't want to do that, but I am out of explainations. He accepted that, for now.....but he still misses him.
I told him that right now, it just isn't safe for him to live with us. And I love him more than I could ever love his dad, and I was choosing to keep him safe. I don't know if I did the right thing or not. I hate this for him!!
You didn't lie to him. Your STBX is an active addict, who only stopped using after he was rearrested. He is living with a whore who has been arrested on..what? 10 felony counts? AND she no longer has custody of her own kids.
You told him the truth. If your STBX were to come home, he could very well still be using and bring drugs into your home...which puts your child at risk of being removed.
Stay strong, mama. You've got this.
BBM-I loved your post from the weekend. You sound strong and empowered, you have worked so hard to find that strength and I hope you are so proud of your progress.
I am very sorry that your son is hurting. I am a mom to 3 small children and after my DDay it was so hard explaining to my oldest why daddy was not home. I truly know how hard that is to explain to them even though our situations are different.
You did not lie to him at all. Sadly, he has to be told in the gentlest way possible that his dad simply cannot come home. He doesnt need all the gory details but he does need to know that his dad is not coming home. Minimize confusion for him. BBM would it be possible to tell the school and have one of the school counselors talk to him once or twice a week? I was thinking of when I was in school my girlfriend went through a very tragic family event and the counselors talked to her a few times per week and that gave her some guidance and an outlet. I wonder if this would be a good idea? Just keep talking with him and allowing him to be open about how he is feeling. Teaching him it is ok to be sad and cry and talk about these feelings. It will be bumpy for awhile for him but having a solid, healthy parent who is there to guide and protect him will keep him safe. His father and his horrific choices are an absolute danger. As the above poster said-you've got this BBM. You are an awesome mom and a strong woman. You are doing great and I am sorry that your sweet son is hurting.
I just read through the posts here and just wanted to say how proud I am to see you getting so much stronger! I too have dealt with my husband's addiction and other family members as well. It's tough letting go but I promise you, the strength you will find in yourself is amazing. You are giving your son a really good lesson in dignity, strength and self esteem. :) I was going to say too, be kind to yourself in this process. After he goes to sleep, use that time to do something nice for yourself. Paint your nails, read, write, whatever you enjoy. Allow yourself some time for YOU. When I was separated, it helped me sleep better having a relaxation routine like that each night, too. You can do this! *hugs*
Oh, I forgot to ask, have you had any luck with the food stamp situation? I don't know what the process is like where you are but here, there's a waiting period after you apply. However, once I told them my situation (H left and I'm a SAHM) they had me apply for Emergency food stamps, which I had in 2 or 3 days. They did Medicaid application as well, and they were able to do the child support order too. Also, there could be some help through your son's school once it starts up. My daughter's school does a program thru one of the churches and we would get a bag of food once a week. Good luck!
[This message edited by GonnaGetThru at 2:35 PM, August 4th (Monday)]
I spoke to a caseworker today and had to fill out a form stating that he is not living with us and that I have never lived at the address that they have down for me. I also let them know that he claims to be working, even though he was supposed to have told them he was unemployed. They said they are behind so it could take up to a month to get it straightened out.
That seems weird. Did you apply for emergency food stamps? Because you have your son with you, he is a single person. Your son requires to be fed, etc.
When can you expect to get food stamps?
while you're waiting to get the food stamps straightened out-
http://www.211.org/ - United way searchable database for resources by zip code
http://www.pantrynet.org - national food bank directory by zip code
I was already approved for them and got one month of the exoediated stamps. I will get more on the 12th but if they don't get them straightened out, I will not get any after that. I am hoping it will be taken care of by then. It is all very aggravating because it seems like I am getting the run around. I feel like they think I am trying to cheat them or something when HE is doing that! I am just trying to straighten out his mess, like always!
School will be starting soon and I have already thought about talking to the counselor and setting up something for him. I think he needs to talk to someone other than me about his feelings. It is very confusing for him. Hell, it is confusing for me!
His whore made the newspaper again today. All of her charges were listed, she went to court on Thursday and was arraigned. Whatever that means...it says she goes back on August 21st. That is also our sons birthday so I bet he is more worried about her than him. Just a guess...
Hey- Aug 21st is my birthday too!
BBM- you are being so strong and so brave. I'm amazed at how far you've come. You are SO doing the right things, even though it is likely very hard for you to do at times. Keep taking care of your precious son, keep reassuring him that he is loved. You're doing great!
(((BBM and DS)))
OMG. My idiot husband sent me another text today about the stupid satellite. Unfortunately, my son had my phone so now he knows his phone is on. He immediately begged to text him, so I let him. Instead of texting him back, he continued to text and bitch at me. He did say he HAS to move out. Bwahahahaha (that is my evil laugh, btw!) Darn, I just hate that for him...I don't know why he is so concerned with having tv when he gets his own place, not like he will be able to pay for it.
Anyway, it just proves to me, once again, that he only cares about himself. His son texting him after a week of not hearing from him doesn't even matter. I hate him.
BBM I love your newfound strength! You've got this for sure. I'm sorry your son had your phone when he texted you, i wish you could change your number, that woukd eliminate that risk. Yep, it's ALL about him. Poor guy needs his tv-selfish, selfish, sick and selfish. Answer him with crickets. Tells you alot about what kind of man he is when he cares more about his tv rant then to answer his son. Really sickening.
Prepare for when he has to move because that might be when starts bargaining with you. You've come way too far to fall back now. He is going to meet some consequences soon as it sounds like his little love nest is being taken away, the girlfriend might do jail time, and is apparently also going to not only have no TV but nobody to cushion his fall.
Keep up the hardwork-you are doing awesome. Be kind to yourself as another poster said, be sure to take some time to yourself. You've come so far!
I just read this whole thread. Wow. It's good to see you come so far.
Is it possible for your son and his dad to email? That way your son will not read anything inappropriate. Also your number will not be texting your H's cell. It will help with the NC.
Try turning your thoughts whenever they go to your H. Do something else - anything else. Just getting some distance will give you so much clarity, I promise. Clarity. that is what you need more of. WH is not an addition to your life, he is a negative force pulling you under. His OW is as low as they come. Try your best to stop giving them head space.
I do think that telling your son that his safety is the reason his dad isn't coming home could backfire. Why? Because he will feel guilty and responsible if his dad is unemployed, sad, lonely, cold, hungry, etc. You get what I'm saying. I would also hate for your son to worry about being taken away from you. You might try just saying that his dad is sick from his drug and alcohol addiction and he isn't fit to be a daddy or a husband right now. You don't know if he ever will be but you hope he gets himself some help. I am sure this is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life. It sucks but you are gonna rock it!
I remember a group called AlaTeen when I was younger. I don't know if there is anything like it now but it was where young people gathered to talk about their parents who were alcoholics and where you didn't feel so alone. I'm sure the internet can give you lots of avenues and ideas. Maybe there is even a site geared toward young people with drug addicted parents, IDK.
Hugs. You are doing great.
I agree with giving your son an Email address to email back and forth with dad. He shouldn't be on your phone, he already has been exposed to so much.
You are doing such an awesome job now, and I see you getting stronger each day. Stick to that, you know you will come out on the other side a stronger more amazing person that you already are.
He was playing games on my phone when the bastard texted. He hasn't texted in over a week so I didn't think he would be. My H barely has a phone, much less a computer to email from.
We went to check the mail today and he was at his dads garage. My son said "I guess he has free time on his arrest. I wish we could stop." I hate that he knows what "free time" is.
I am worried constantly that I am saying the wrong thing to my son. Or doing the wrong thing for him. I don't want his childhood ruined.
I honestly think my H was testing the waters yesterday with his text about moving. I don't know, I could be wrong but I know that there is no way in hell he will be able to afford his own place. He is working at a local KFC, but very little.
You will never go wrong by be loving, supportive and honest with your son. Yes it sucks, but the truth of the situation is that your H has chosen this path, all you will do by trying to decrease the ugliness in it is make him have less trust in you.
I get what you are saying about not having a computer to email. My only suggestion is to not let him have your phone at all, and if he wants to talk to dad, you call dad, and when he answers, and you have confirmed with a couple of very straight forward questions that he isn't drugged out of his mind, then hand the phone to your son.
You keep on taking care of the two of you. The rest will come in it's own time.