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Prison Time

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tushnurse posted 8/6/2014 10:53 AM

You will never go wrong by be loving, supportive and honest with your son. Yes it sucks, but the truth of the situation is that your H has chosen this path, all you will do by trying to decrease the ugliness in it is make him have less trust in you.

I get what you are saying about not having a computer to email. My only suggestion is to not let him have your phone at all, and if he wants to talk to dad, you call dad, and when he answers, and you have confirmed with a couple of very straight forward questions that he isn't drugged out of his mind, then hand the phone to your son.

You keep on taking care of the two of you. The rest will come in it's own time.

Freeme posted 8/6/2014 11:31 AM

I honestly think my H was testing the waters yesterday with his text about moving.

I agree - because of this I would not be putting him in touch with your son right now. You don't want to be in a situation where he begs to come home via your son.

BaseballMom31 posted 8/6/2014 18:53 PM

Well he is really been on a roll this afternoon. I really want to be strong and ignore him when he starts....but I just can't. Stupidity on my part, I know.

Today, the 1st text was "I really wish I could see MY son." That really went through me. He hasn't even tried!! I was nice and informed him that HE could (knowing he really doesn't want to, and that just looks good on my part.) but he is NOT going to be around HER. So then he got ignorant and said "yea I wouldn't either, we will probably be smoking meth eitj him". I told him that I was trying ti have an adult conversation with him but if he was going to be ignorant, I was done. Apparently, everyone is telling him how bad he mssed up and how bad she is for him. He is tired of hearing it. Not my problem, I am only concerned with my child.

He lied about driving and had the nerve to ask me if I would come get him so he could see our son. Haha fuck no. Again, I was nice and told him to have his whore (okay, maybe not so nice....)drop him off. I know he has been driving, I have seen him and so have my family members. But that is a convenient excuse NOT to see him.

Even though I broke NC with him, I did good and kept it about my son. No emotions. That has to count for something, right? I think I will start hearing more from him now. He is starting to stress and worry. Reality is setting in.

Hopetosurvive98 posted 8/6/2014 19:01 PM

BBM I agree with freeme. I wouldn't put it past your WH to attempt to get home via pulling your sons heart strings. That would be very bad and very hurtful as well as place you in a terrible position. Be prepared for him to continue to test the waters and stand strong and hold your course.

I understand your worries about your son and his childhood. It is a very tough situation but being a strong, loving, supportive parent is all we can do. You are protecting him from a very complex and potentially dangerous situation. You are doing great and are a great mom.

Edited to add bc I just read your last response....
Ok, keep that text talking about smoking meth with your son. Yea he might be "joking" but it's a sick joke and he's really sick to say it. Also he is baiting you about visiting his son. He has not tried not cared to try all along-now that he's losing his love nest he is using your son as an excuse for contact. Be prepared BBM! Now you really have to be strong because you will be faced with him starting to manipulate your emotions or worse, your sons to get home. He will lie to get his ass saved. It will all be pure, genuine bs. Be prepared now.

He is dangerous to your childs emotional well being. He should not get anyone to drop him off. He should have no visits with your child until he is taking clean drug tests. Him coming around will only serve to confuse and hurt your son and its all strategic. I don't believe for one second all the sudden he misses his child, I think he all the sudden is worried about himself as his current situation is changing. Easiest way to get home? Via your son. Be very careful here and be very prepared BBM. He's shown you who he is believe him. You can do this....and please go back to NC.

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 7:13 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

BaseballMom31 posted 8/6/2014 22:08 PM

Oh trust me, he will NOT be around my son anytime soon. I just said that so I looked good. LOL! That way, if it came right down to it, I have the texts showing that I have NOT kept him away from him. I have given him numerous chances to see him. You are so right, he has not really tried to see him in almost 3 months now. He barely even texts to check on him! Only when it is convenient for him!

I do look for him to try to come home. But this is NOT his home anymore. HE chose to leave his home, HE chose to walk away from his family. He should have made better choices. HE chose ALL of this. Now HE can figure out how to fix it, not me. I have fixed his messes long enough.

Does he really think I am THAT stupid?! That I will just say "oh honey, now that you can't live with your whore, please come home?" Um no. I may be naive, and I have believed so many lies for so long, I guess he probably does think I am. Bad news for him, I have opened my eyes and I see him for what he really is.....a lying, cheating, alcoholic, dopehead bastard.

Again, sorry for the language...I really don't talk like that, nirmally. He just makes me so mad!!!

outtanowhere posted 8/6/2014 23:45 PM

So what BBM? So what if you keep him from seeing your son? That's what any good mother protecting her child would do because HE IS NOT SAFE!!!

This man is a user, a manipulator and an adulterer. Where does it say you should expose your child to that just because he has the same DNA? It doesn't! God blessed you with motherly instincts so keep using them. I would not for one minute allow any contact at this point. It will only serve to further advance your WH's manipulation tactics and cause more pain for your son when he realizes his dad didn't really care about him like he professes.

Hold firm honey! This is war and it can get brutal!

Freeme posted 8/7/2014 07:44 AM

Does you WH have a key to the house? I'd change the locks if you can.

I believe his plan is to use you as a Plan B when he runs out of other options and gets a ride. That he will move back in without asking. Just show up.

The easiest way to prepare would be to chance the locks and not let him in. Then call the police if he get abusive.

Hopetosurvive98 posted 8/7/2014 07:55 AM

You should be mad, downright pissed! Yes, I do think he thinks he can get you to let him come home. He has had you where hes wanted you for so long. He is used to his codependent wife cleaning up his messes, paying his bills, and putting up with his shit. To him if he says the right words he can find a way home and I really believe he will USE your son to achieve his goals. I believe that is what the latest text was about.
Do not be surprised if he texts to tell your son how sorry he is and that he wants to come home. How will you handle that? You need to find an alternative to your son having your phone to play games on. Not sure of all of the alternatives that might not be too pricey. It would be very bad if your WH did that to your son as your son is vulnerable right now and it would further confuse and hurt him. If he had one bit of love and respect for his child he would stop this nonsense. The fact that he has had zero interest in even if his son has food to eat and now wants to see him is so very telling. The man is so selfish it is sickening-pretty much evil.
You need to play defense on this and prevent that possible contact from happening. Son either cannot have phone, get a new number so WH cannot text, or find a way to block texts. Im not sure if someone knows how to do that or if you can call the store that sold you the phone and ask them if there is anyway to block incoming texts. Maybe go down to investigative tips and see if someone has that knowledge.
As poster above mentioned who cares if he gets upset because you are preventing him from visiting his son?? Do not worry about that! You already talked to a lawyer (trying to retain soon I hope)and he told you that you do not have to give him visitation, so you know you are perfectly safe keeping WH away. There is not court anywhere that is going to punish you for keeping your child away from a meth addict who is shacked up with a drug dealing meth addict. I think it would be just the opposite. You are simply keeping your son physically and emotionally safe from toxic and very sick people. I still cannot get over his text about smoking meth with your son. Wow. Just wow. Keep that.

As above poster stated this is a war and it can get ugly. I think you are reaching a point in this where it is going to start to amp up. I think him losing his basement meth house is going to ramp him up to seek you back out, and just wait until the girlfriend gets put away. You sound very strong and very firm-a far cry from the first few pages of this thread. You have come so far and what you are doing will preserve your sons childhood and it will give you both the opportunity for a bright and happy future. If that man comes home it will be unending misery because he is not going to change until he is forced to stand alone and face consequences. You're right it just isnt his home anymore and I guess he needs to start pulling in more hours at the KFC and afford his own place like a grownup.
BBM what are your plans for D? I know you have to make payments to file. How is it going to be communicated to WH that he needs to attend these parenting classes? Did the attorney tell you what might happen if he refuses to attend? I am worried how he is going to drag his feet on this. You need a D like yesterday so you can fully unchain from this situation. I am still mind boggled that him living with another women-a felon-and being an active meth addict does not allow for a speedier more streamlined D. Here in my state if one spouse is an addict, unfaithful, abusive, or abandons the other spouse, you get to forgo the waiting period and get a speedy divorce. I am surprised that the circumstances you are in are not allowing for that. You need out of this nightmare asap.
Anyhow, stay strong, keep posting, you are doing great.

tushnurse posted 8/7/2014 08:30 AM

BBM YOU are becoming so strong. You are doing well.
It's good you kept the texts to issues with your son. You did well to not let it devolve into name calling, and all the other nonsense.

Keep your head up. You are strong, your are Fierce, and you will make it through this.

BaseballMom31 posted 8/7/2014 18:02 PM

Today has been really hard for me. I haven't cried this much in awhile. I know it is because he is contacting me. He hasn't today...but I just really miss my husband. I miss what I thought we had. I know it is still fairly new and I am sure these emotions are normal. I can't remember NOT being with him. He is a and has always been a large part of my life. I will be okay though...I just really want to text that stupid whore and him and say "So how is that new life treating you? He doesn't seem to happy with you now! Seems like he is regretting his choices!" But I won't....

My lawyer did tell me that any time he contacts me about seeing our son, to just be nice. Because if it comes down to a custody fight, and I am sure he will try, it will look good on me that I didn't come right out and say "NO, you can't see him." But she said if he persists and does try, I have the paperwork ready if needed.

Freeme-The locks were changed soon after he left the 2nd time. So no, he can not come into the house. However, because he is on house arrest, I have to approve it anyway. He can't just pick where he wants to go. So that works in my favor.

I know that he has no interest in seeing our son. He hasn't legitimately tried...he is only trying to cover his own ass. And make himself look good and me look bad. Hahaha, good luck there.

My lawyer said once half is paid down, she will draft up a letter to send to him. She will let him know of the cost of the classes and that he must attend. I know that he won't. She said there are ways around it, but he has to be given ample time to attempt to go. She also said that he will be given time to attend the classes even though he is on house arrest. I look for him to use that as an excuse as why he can't go. She said he will not receive any kind of visitation until the classes are completed though. I am also getting in there that he will only receive supervised visits, by someone of MY choosing, until he passes so many random drug tests. This is definitely going to turn ugly.

Hopetosurvive98 posted 8/7/2014 20:52 PM

(((((BBM))))) I'm sorry today is so hard. Be gentle on yourself, this is not easy on anyone and your situation has a few more layers to it. It just isn't easy and it truly sucks for lack of a better term. It's ok to have times like this where you need to let the tears go. I always escaped to my shower to cry, that was my place to let it out then compose myself and go back to being mom. Just remember its ok to feel the hurt sometimes.

BBM you have talked to the lawyer and I'm glad to hear a plan is in place. I know it's hard and you miss what you thought you had. You have been so strong and you're right the contact is bringing so much hurt. Without the engagement you are so much stronger, it's why we say no contact equals no new hurts. He only has made contact for purely selfish reasons. It isn't about regrets, or remorse, or love of you or his son, it's not even shame. It's purely the fact that he knows he will need a place to go soon. He's got to line that up. I know you have come so far, also I know right now you are feeling vulnerable too. Now is the time to prepare and be strong BBM because you know what's around the bend-he needs a place to go. It cannot be you or you'll have set yourself up for more of the same. Do not ever except being plan b and do not show your son that is his value. You ARE the prize. You are an amazing woman and deserve far more. Hold your course and stay determined and strong.
You've got this BBM. I'm so sorry today has been painful.

WeepingBuddhist posted 8/8/2014 09:30 AM

BBM, I know it's taking a huge toll on you to have him keep contacting you but you've been in touch with a lawyer and (I hope) connecting with Alanon. It's OK to cry! It's healthy to acknowledge the pain in your live but you are taking control of your life. It's scary as hell but it is sooo worth it.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/8/2014 09:53 AM

Sadly, it DOES feel like some sort of sick competition and I have lost. I do feel like she won, POS or not. I think that is just my wounded pride.

Good God. The whore won a worthless, food stamp grubbing junkie/alcoholic/jailbird and community parasite who can't even wipe his own ass, much less MAN THE HELL UP and do right by his kid.

Yeah, she won quite the prize, there. I'm jealous.

Some women have ALL the luck, dammit.

tushnurse posted 8/8/2014 09:55 AM

I agree with Buddhist. You are taking control. Allow your time for grief and crying but do it in the shower or away from your son. He doesn't need to see you suffering. He needs to see you embracing life and kicking the shit out of the crap that you have been dealt.

Keep focus on the real goal. To get healthy and to raise a strong, loving, happy, productive young man.

Schadenfreude posted 8/8/2014 12:29 PM

As usual, Tush nurse ( I give up fighting this autocorrect thing) is absolutely correct. Son does not need to see your constant hurt. He needs to develop strength, too.

I know Sandy loved Danny, but that was just a movie.

If a girlfriend was in your shoes, what would you tell her to do?
Or your sister, if you have one? No sane person would advise reconciliation with this dangerous man.

BaseballMom31 posted 8/8/2014 13:52 PM

LOL, Neveragain...I know she didn't win anything special. In the end, I will be better off and she will be in jail. Most likely, he will too. But I still love him. Worthless or not, I married him because I love him and have loved him for a long time. I don't know how to turn that off. I wish I could...

I don't let my son see me cry anymore. I do whatever I can to NOT let that happen. He has seen it too much. He has been gone for 2 days with my Dad. Being alone and the contact from my H together is what brought on the emotions, I think.

I would tell my friend and my sister to get the hell away and stay away...just like they have all done me. I just wish it were easier.

BaseballMom31 posted 8/9/2014 10:12 AM

It has been a really bad morning. I dreamed about my husband and woke up really missing him. Right now, I just want him so bad. No matter what he has done or who he has been with, I just want my husband and family back. I know that isn't reasonable or even logical but the pain is so intense, I want it to stop. It feels like D-day all over again. I hate this so bad.

Why are some days so much harder? I feel like everything I gave worked for is gone; my strength, my husband, my family, my best friend, EVERYTHING. I want a do over, a take back, an instant replay. I want my life back. I want to go to sleep and not wake up until this nightmare and the pain is gone.

When does this stop? How do I make these feelings go away? I should hate him! I should be mad! Not crying and not fighting the temptation to text him! I shouldn't want someone back who has hurt me and my son so bad!!!

BaseballMom31 posted 8/9/2014 10:20 AM

It has been a really bad morning. I dreamed about my husband and woke up really missing him. Right now, I just want him so bad. No matter what he has done or who he has been with, I just want my husband and family back. I know that isn't reasonable or even logical but the pain is so intense, I want it to stop. It feels like D-day all over again. I hate this so bad.

Why are some days so much harder? I feel like everything I gave worked for is gone; my strength, my husband, my family, my best friend, EVERYTHING. I want a do over, a take back, an instant replay. I want my life back. I want to go to sleep and not wake up until this nightmare and the pain is gone.

When does this stop? How do I make these feelings go away? I should hate him! I should be mad! Not crying and not fighting the temptation to text him! I shouldn't want someone back who has hurt me and my son so bad!!!

Chrysalis123 posted 8/9/2014 10:46 AM

You are addicted to the relationship. It is really common in abusive situations. It is hard, really hard to break away.

That addiction is talking when you miss him. The addiction talk is not rational nor healthy for you.

Just like a drug addict breaking the addiction is really hard and you will have cravings. Google addictive relationships.

What are you doing to help yourself to get emotionally and mentally strong again?

I needed outside help to break free from my relationship, and I needed some therapy to learn to think clearly and in a healthy way. Also, Alanon was a therapy is what I called it.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:47 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]

Schadenfreude posted 8/9/2014 11:39 AM

What do you want him for, exactly? To ask to borrow money to bail OW out of jail? To buy drugs? To beg you to,pay his satellite bill? To ignore your child? To pick up,whatever is left of his toys and tools to pawn them?

I haven't seen one useful, loving thing he does for you.

Any successful marriage has some utility to both spouses. What does he do for you except maybe provide you the kibbles those lost in A fog talk,about wistfully? BBM, you are like virtually every wandering woman who has posted here. Your proclaimed love isn't based on the realities of everyday life.


I hope the 2x4's didn't hurt too much.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 11:40 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]

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