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Big hugs, BBM...I second the post about addictive relationships. I too suggest Nar-Anon. They were a huge help to me in dealing with that. There is a harsh truth to being addicted to our addicts. I do believe when you share a child with one, there is a part of us that will always love the addict for that part; after all our kid(s) wouldn't be here without them. I gently encourage you to go to Nar-Anon. They are a wonderful support system. You can vent, cry, whatever there and they understand COMPLETELY. Plus, it's a good excuse just to get out of the house when you're a SAHM. If you google serenity seekers online Nar-Anon, they are an online group, basically the same set-up as SI. I found them before I got brave enough to go to a face to face meeting. Stay strong, BBM. You are doing so well and you deserve to heal yourself from this. You are worth it!
Wanted to add that these really hard times happen after you have had contact with him. It doesn't matter how little the contact it always brings new hurt. Detach and go NC again.
NC=No new Hurt
I really don't know what I want from him, except for him to be the man I married. The man I fell in love with so long ago. But I know that man is gone, in actuality, he NEVER existed.
I do feel like I have an addiction to him. One that needs to be broken desperately. I definitely need to detach, this pain comes after I have communication with him. No matter how small or insignificant the communication is, it kills me inside.
I don't understand it. I don't know why he has such a hold on me. Yes, we have a child together. A child he has shown that he doesn't have time for or even cares about unless it is convenient for him. It kills me to know we mean so little to him. These last few days have just been so hard.
Baseballmom... I am sorry. Keep thinking of what your son needs and trudge forward. This sucks, but we are here for you.
Please know your feelings of longing are totally normal, and I speak from experience. I held onto hope far too long because my sweet loving kind loyal heart just could not let go. It took some time to realize my heart was yearning for what I thought I had, what I wished I had, for what I thought I signed up for when I married and had a child with XWS (SA/NPD/alcoholic/Method addict to boot). But NONE of that was my reality... Nowhere close.
What I finally realized after tons of tears, and some hard to hear 2*4's from lots of folks, was that I needed to let my head run the show for awhile. My heart just could not be strong enough to do it. I am not suggesting you turn your love off, but let your brain make decisions now. Yes, grieve, cry, hurt, and love your son and yourself, but please hand over the decision making to your head.
You have been dealt a horrendous blow, and likely you have many battles ahead. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Please take care of yourself.
Supervised visits and mandatory drug testing seem in order, and I am so glad you have a lawyer! I hope you are saving WS childish texts.
One thing that helped my brain make decisions and not my heart was that I would only communicate via email or text, and never put anything in writing that I would not feel comfortable reading to a judge in a court of law. Often that meant a delay in responding to ensure there was no emotion. Shitty it has to be this way, but the entire thing is shitty.
On a brighter note, I am a heck of a lot better with boundaries nowadays, and triggers are almost nonexistent... Even though I am still the supervisor for XWS visits with dd8 almost four years later.
Please hang in there, you sound so strong even though I know you feel weak. Stay true to yourself. It and you WILL get better!
I wanted SO BADLY for Monster to actually BE the guy that he had portrayed himself to me as for 15 years.....but that portrayal was all that it was. A role that he played. I also would have never gotten to the point where I am now without the help of a VERY good IC to help me sift through and see past my *hope* button and into the *this is the reality of your life and the person who you are dealing with*.
I feel like everything I gave worked for is gone; my strength, my husband, my family, my best friend, EVERYTHING. I want a do over, a take back, an instant replay.I *get* this, but there are no do-overs in life. And really, even if you had a do-over you have NO idea how your life would look now if you had made different choices. Maybe your life would be 100x better....but maybe it would be 100x worse. Looking back and kicking yourself or wishing for *something* different is time wasted. Deal with the here and now.
Right now just focus on staying strong for yourself and your son and on making decisions that will benefit the 2 of you in the long run. Let your WH twist in the wind and figure out his own shit. It hurts, it sucks, it's unfair and unjust....but *shrug*....feel those feelings and then lay them aside and get on with your life. The more distance you get from this dysfunction, the clearer your head will be and the stronger you will feel. This is a process, not an event (stolen from Stronger08). Much like you grieve the death of a loved one, you are going to go through the grief process for this relationship.
You'll be ok. Just continue to hold firm.
Today hasn't been as emotional. I am more bitchy today. I know it takes time to get over this. In a way, it IS a death. But I am just tired. I am tired of dealing with the bs, the nonsense and the tears. I am tired of the pain and the thoughts that constantly run through my mind. I am just tired.
I still feel like a failure, like I should have tried harder or done something different. Then maybe my husband would have wanted me. Stupid, I know. But I can't help it or change it. Just like I can't change him. Or the situation.
I AM SO PISSED THAT I COULD CHEW NAILS!!! OMG!! So I was outside and hear the house phone ringing. My son answers and it is my lying, cheating husband. WTF?! I come in to hear my son say "My mom is sorry, she told me. Are you?" Which is true, I DID tell my son that I was sorry about all of this. What does the POS say?! That I should be!! ME?! I should be sorry?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! He also told him that he has tried to see him but I WON'T LET HIM!! And the reason he isn't coming home is because we don't get along!!!
I have not can't believe he said that shit! First, it is not true! Second, he is fucking 9! He should not put him in the middle and try to get him to take sides by blaming me! Now, I can't e en let him answer the phone because of him?! Again, I had to comfort him and try to explain things the best way that I can. And honestly, I don't know how to do that because I do not want to say bad things about his dad!! Even though I would love to tell him the truth! I am an adult and I KNOW BETTER! All that little boy wants is the 2 people that he loves more than anything to be home with him. He does not need to be told that shit! OMG!!!!
HOW CAN HE BE SO DAMN INSENSITIVE?! Doesn't he realize how bad he is hurting the one person would NEVER turn his back on him, his only son?! I am livid!!!!
Hi Baseball mom, First, so sorry that he is doing this new hurt. Your post started making me cry, I am so upset for you and your struggle and your son and your son's struggles. I read your latest entry (post?), and wanted to give your husband a few real 2X4's.
Saying that, I also, with fear for you, thought this would happen,that he would next use your son. This man has no morals, or any he did have, have been washed away in the need to be and live the life of a drug addict. I know you love or loved him, and to see his life, all his potential good you saw and recognised in him get washed away by his bad choices, well, believe me, I know that pain.
It was one of the shocking aspects of my relationship with WWBF. How he used his children, whom I loved, to gain sympathy for himself and control over me.
My own son was used by WWBF's kids, they were so 'nice' to him. When I realised what they were up to, I gently told my son he could not see them anymore. It made my son very angry at me, made him feel I was unfairly attacking WWBF's 'nice' children. He was/is too young to know the details, I tried to be as neutral as possible, and to protect my son, said nothing negative about the kids or WWBF. He loved WWBF's kids,and WWBF. I said that they had problems that they needed to sort out on their own. We could not help them. And that the best way FOR US to help them was to give them 'alone time' or 'private time' to work out their problems. By saying that, I tried to make my son feel he was helping people he loved by letting them alone.
I was so afraid for you, that your son would be the next target, but (like a typical co-dependent), hoping against hope I would be wrong in your case.
I have been/am being maligned too by people whom I loved and cared for. I understand the hurt. It is really unbearable. And to see him tangling your son up in this now, oh my God.
But your son sounds like a strong, intelligent, good-spirited boy. You are doing much better than I am.
It is so hard for you, and for your son. As you know,I obviously feel absolutely unqualified to give you any advice, but I just wanted you to know I am VERY ANGRY TOO at your son's dad, and my heart goes out to you and your son.
BBM I am sorry that you have been struggling emotionally lately. I know how hard it is. I hope you can see very clearly that the pain gets much worse when there is contact. Go read early on in this thread when there was contact and see how confused and in pain you were, then read toward the middle when you went NC and see your new strength, then recently with contact again...more pain. NC is what is going to save your sanity and save you from new pain.
BBM-please know everything I say I am saying with a kind heart and never want to come across as being too harsh. What you said in your last post was exactly what myself and other posters have been warning you about. That that he will start to use your son as a tool against you. You ask how he could put his son in the middle and hurt him like this? BBM this is who he is HE IS ALL ABOUT HIMSELF, HE DOESNT CARE ONE BIT ABOUT HIS CHILD, TRUST ME. Everything and everyone is a tool and has been. BBM he keeps showing you who he is-letting you SEE his true colors. He lied to get food stamps and therefore robbed his own child of food, he hasnt paid a dime for him, hasnt been contacting you asking about him, hasnt truly tried to see him, has expressed zero concern for him. He planned well in advance to run off with a meth dealer/addict and has chosen that life. He will only "care" for you or his son when he NEEDS something. It is not out of love or concern. It is about him.
You are a mom, you know that immense love we feel for our children-that feeling that we would do anything to protect our children and make them feel loved. The love for a child is a love and bond like no other. You feel that. He doesnt and never has. Think about the fact that he has an older child too. You stated you paid that child support right? He never paid for that child and it carried severe consequences for him but that sure didnt make him pay. Beyond support does he visit that child? Send gifts? Remember birthdays and holidays? Anything?? I would bet no. Why? Because he doesnt care about that innocent child, he cares only about himself. Sorry to say but it will be no different for your son.
He is not going to change and if this continues in this manner the damage done to your son will be devastating. I was a child of an ugly divorce and my dad would do something similar because he chose to never see me. He would blame my mom and tell me it was her choice and her anger that kept him from seeing me, that he wanted to and was so sorry but my mom was preventing it. He also never paid support. We struggled to pay bills and have food and he was flying around in a private jet (crazy I know). It was because he was trying to punish my mom and using me as a tool to do so was the best way to truly hurt her. I was so confused and so hurt by being told such things and it has created issues for me until this day. I was a pawn in a game.
Yes, you need to stop allowing your son to answer the phone. You need to protect him from his father because this man doesnt care for one second that he is hurting his son. He cares that he is hurting you and deflecting blame from himself, he cares that he is setting himself up for his next move. Trust me when he loses his current address he is going to put your son right smack in the middle of trying to get his ass home. Do not be surprised at how low he will go, there is no limit to how low he will go to save his own ass.
Get angry, stay angry, NC, NC, NC.
Get mad, but also get smart about your son. He's old enough to have a really good conversation with you about addiction. You don't need to go into a lot of detail but you can definitely expose OW as an addict headed to prison with just news stories during the conversation.
Some key points you MUST raise to his attention:
1. Addicts under the influence make promises they can't keep. It's not that they intend to lie, but that they say and do things they can't follow through on.
2. Addicts under the influence lie to defend and justify their behavior. This is what his father did. It's not that his dad is a bad man, but because the addiction is active, he's going to lie.
3. You are taking steps to protect him from those promises and lies.
Google "telling children about a parent addiction" - you'll find these 7 Cs from the experts that you must help your son understand:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
I can Care for myself
By Communicating my feelings,
Making healthy Choices, and
By Celebrating myself.
Another website said this:
Explain that addiction and alcoholism are illnesses - that some people get ill from a virus and some people get ill when a body part is not working right and some people get ill when they use certain substances like meth or alcohol.
All of them stress honesty.
And frankly - as a child of an addict - we internalize a lot when the sober parent DOESN'T talk about addiction and the consequences of loving someone who is under the influence.
This is why many here have stressed that you participate in Al Anon and even though your son isn't a teen yet, the school program can probably refer him to Ala Teen or a similar support.
He has to be taught to have his guard up about his dad because his dad is going to lie to him for a very long time. He will lie about being an addict. He will lie about wanting to talk with him, loving him, caring about him, financially supporting him. He will do everything he can to turn your son into a mini-me-addict and against you. If you do not tell your son age-appropriate truth now, you will very likely lose him to his father's lies and addiction down the road.
You may want to have a school counselor do this conversation with you - talk with the counselor about dad lying, and how to help your son build some insulation/defenses so that he can more easily detect the truth or choose to not be in contact with his dad at all.
k8la, some really brilliant advice. I wish I were half as deft and bright. Want to store that advice in my brain for future reference.
Thank you for the great advice, k8la. I sat my son down tonight and talked to him about everything. It hurts him but I think he understands. He knows that I am trying to protect him. He knows that his Dad is sick.
He doesn't see his daughter, or even talk to her. She wants nothing to do with him or his family. I have a good relationship with her though. She has even visited now that he isn't here. Pretty sad if you ask me.
I know he will do everything he can to hurt me, even if that means hurting our son. But I don't understand why. I don't get it. Any of it.
To understand his motives, you have to understand the nature of the relationship between addict and co-addict.
Imagine a child's mobile toy - all the pieces may be balanced on their strings askew and crazy, and get batted around, but as long as all the pieces stay in their place, the balance comes back.
Such is the relationship between addicts and their enablers. When the co-addict says "NO MORE" and gets off the mobile, the addict screams to get the co-addict back in their place. They'll play nice, they'll bully, they'll promise everything, they'll spew hatred, they'll hurt those you love the most - all to get you to get back into your role as enabler.
Eventually, they adjust by getting someone else to take your place on the mobile. Or they get sober. Or they die. But none of those choices can matter to you; only the safety of you and your son.
Does this help you understand better? His world is on tilt, and it's your fault! Not his addiction. Not his immaturity. No. It's your fault because you don't keep his world balanced, protect him from his parole officer, and everything else to shield him from the consequences of his behavior.
Please stay off that mobile. Your life. Your son's life depends upon it. Your husband will eventually turn to your son to get him on the enabler mobile, unless you can get your son well-educated about boundaries and addiction and co-addiction.
Beautiful post K8la. Read it again and again BBM because its spot on.
It's nice that your WHs daughter has a relationship with you and can know her brother. To me it is very telling how easily he discarded her. It shows this has been his behavior for a long time and its not changing anytime soon.
Good for you talking to your son too. I know how hard it must have been but you are taking important steps in protecting him from further pain. Educating him on the tough subject will help him understand and develop boundaries to protect him from taking a place on the mobile as K8la so perfectly described.
I know it's hard BBM but you are stronger then you know and doing really great.
Excellent posts K8la. Wow. You have either been down the path yourself, or have done some real schooling on it.
BBM she knows what she is saying. Please listen.
Oh and BBM? You are doing an awesome job these days. Keep up the great work.
Well, my son and I survived the 1st of many 1sts without my husband. Tonight was open house for the both of us at our schools. He was okay, I think. It bothered me that his dad was missing it, especially when his teacher said something about him. He handled it though.
I was upset from early on. I really worked hard to look nice for my parents and the first thing I thought was "I wish he was was here to give me a confidence boost". So needless to say, the makeup I worked so hard on was gone before I made it to MY school. I cried all the way from his to mine. And then after when my favorite parent (and the only one to know my situation) from last year, came in to check on me. When will I stop immediately thinking of him when good or bad things happen? I miss my best friend so much.
He texted tonight, asking if I knew someone. I didn't text back. What does it matter at this point? Anyway, I know today was minor and it hurts so bad. How am I going to deal with the big 1st's? I want this pain to end so bad. I want my family. I don't want to be broken anymore.
You will deal with all the other firsts just like you did this--put your head up and MAKE IT THROUGH. then come back and tell us that you DID IT. You did what you needed to do like a rock star and THEN even though you were hurting, you maintained NC. That's badass. You're mighty.
You are healing, and putting the pieces together, and no you will never be the same and those firsts hurt, but today in the light of a new day you realize that you survived it, and it was relatively drama free. Bonus.
You have to break the habit of him and your M, simply said, but a big task. Each time you go through one of these firsts you will find it easier, and you will feel stronger.
You have a complete family right now. As a teacher you know families come in all different shapes and sizes, and it's a rarity to find a family that actually exists of 1 mom, 1 dad, 1 kid. What makes it a family is that there are people there to support and love one another. You H is not one of these people. He breaks you down, he makes you feel less than what you are, you don't need him, and will be better off without him included in this stuff, as will your son.
Stay strong, stay focused. Routine of school, and life will help you feel a bit more normal as well.
You need to put a list together on a piece of paper. Two columns. GOOD qualities and BAD qualities. And be honest with yourself. You need to make two of these. One for your ideal husband. And one for your husband. Again. BE HONEST.
After you're finished with the lists, compare them.
You need to find a way to get this into perspective. Maybe this will help.