SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
You need to put a list together on a piece of paper. Two columns. GOOD qualities and BAD qualities. And be honest with yourself. You need to make two of these. One for your ideal husband. And one for your husband. Again. BE HONEST.
After you're finished with the lists, compare them.
You need to find a way to get this into perspective. Maybe this will help.
BBM it takes time. Something we never want to hear but it is true. I am so proud of you keeping NC.
When I read your latest post I immediately thought it might be beneficial to do a cost-benefit analysis of your relationship with your WH. Just as Sadtoo suggested above me. I think if you are very honest with the reality of your relationship with him you see how little he actually benefited the relationship. You have been carrying him on your back the entire time. He has not been a true partner in your household by holding regular and reliable employment, you have paid his debts, paid for support for his older child that he refused to support, purchased him transportation, and his recreational vehicles, you have protected him from his actions and maintained the status quo for his probation officer. You had been carrying all the burden in your marriage.
You know if he came home it would be more of the same. He would only be coming home so he has someone to cushion his fall and shield him from facing any consequences. He would come home because he needs to get you back on the mobile K8la so eloquently described. He didnt initiate any contact with your son until he realized he was losing his current address in the near future. Now he is texting and calling your home phone and making small talk? He is trying to get you back in the cycle. You have come too far and the cost of him coming back is too much.
I am sorry you are hurting BBM. Keep posting here and know that we are all supporting you from afar and are here for you. We all know it hurts but we all know that you are so much stronger then you know and you're worth so much more. Keep moving forward you are on the right path.
I have never been one to wish time away, but now...well now I wish time would fly. I want to be over this pain. It will be 3 months tomorrow since he walked out the 1st time. Also, another 1st for my little family. I am usually gone before my son goes to school so his Dad always took off work to take him. You know, Mom HAS to have that picture in front of the school. I can't take him because it is also my 1st day. Thank God for Mama...my mom is taking him. I just hate that I can't depend on the one person who I am supposed to.
I don't need to put the list on paper. Unfortunately I know the bad outweighs the good. Maybe it always has but I looked past that. Stupid, naive little girl in love.
Thank you all for your continued support, especially when I am not listening. I need those 2x4s to the head.
You may THINK you don't need to put it on paper. But sometimes seeing it on paper makes it real and helps the reality set it. Therefore helps the healing begin. Give it a try.
Ugh. I am not having a good night. He has been texting all night and of course, I caved. I really need to get my number changed.
He started off again saying I should know this person or at least her best friend. He is leading up to something but I don't know what. But then he sent a text that kind of worried me. My son has been working with his friends to build a clybhouse under his treehouse. He texted and said "Tell him he is doing a good job building his treehouse." Okay, I don't live somewhere that is easy or convenient to just drive by. And he obviously wanted me to know that he had been by here. Then he asked if I would be home Saturday. He wants the rest of his stuff, and of course he started in about the washer. I told him that I will get all of his shit packed up and sit it outside. I don't want to be here IF he does come.
I know it will be hard, have family and friends there with you. Do NOT allow him to come to your home while you are not there. Changed locks or not, he is creepy enough to break in.
Remember he is an addict, and if he thinks there is ANYTHING there worth money he is going to take it.
Don't let him in. You don't have to face him that's why you need friends and family there to make it clear that you want nothing to do with him, and that you have back up.
I think it's freaking creepy that he was snooping around looking at his sons clubhouse/treehouse. Maybe he was looking to see if he could move in there because OW isn't all that. LOL (Hey a little levity helps).
Anyway, I think I would see if anyone has a game camera or two that you can borrow, and put them up. If he comes back charge him with trespassing. Game Cameras work good because they can get night time images.
He is definitely setting the stage for his next move. Remember BBM that he knows you very well. He knows you still love him and, IMHO, he believes you will cave into his wishes if he is persistent enough. Right now what I wish you could see is that he is trying to intimidate you. He knows you are weak and he will pull out all the stops to get himself back into a position of power with you and, this is where you HAVE to be strong!
Being betrayed by the one person you loved the most is a game changer. It is disorienting and, at times, feels like its a hopeless situation. Its not hopeless but, you do have to see things from a new perspective. This has nothing to do with love BBM. You might love him but, he is only out for himself and will use any feelings you have for him to manipulate things to his advantage. I think that many of us loved our spouses so much that we did anything and everything we could to show them. We just wanted them to be happy. What happened in my case is that I got so little back from my husband that I quit expecting anything. When I quit expecting anything, I got nothing. I woke up one day and realized that I had been so focused on him that I forgot about me and, apparently so did he. I'm not going there again. I'm not famous but, I am important and deserving of the same kind of love that I was so freely giving away.
He does know you very well and is actively working to keep you hanging on....just in case. You can really stun him by refusing to take the bait. Everyone who has followed your posts can clearly see that you still love him but, we are all hoping and praying that you aren't going to let that get in the way of using your head and doing what you know you should do to protect you and your son.
It's all so unfair but, it is what it is. Please don't fall into his trap. You already know that by allowing him back into your life you are signing you and your boy up for more pain and heartache. I have raised three children. They are wonderful adults now but, the teenage years were sheer hell and, that most of it was typical adolescence behavior. Your son will deal with so much more than most of his peers due to the fact his father is addict. You have got to be strong and be his example of what a healthy parent looks like because it will be his only reference.
Keep telling yourself the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I venture to say that there is not one member on this site that ever thought they would be posting on an infidelity board so, we all get that there is no emotional on/off switch. However, you are smart young woman and you do have the ability to listen and heed the advice of those who are desperately trying to save a fellow human being from any more suffering. Detach from him. Make up your own criteria for considering R such as clean and sober for __ months/years, having a full time job, IC, attending weekly support groups, paying half of the household bills, etc. Dig deep into your heart and try to understand why you want to commit to giving your whole self to someone who has demonstrated time and again that his own needs are more valuable than anyone else's.
In the end, it's up to you. Choose to let your head guide you and not your heart.
Change is difficult. And nothing changes if nothing changes.
Although I see you making improvements. I see you falling back into your old comfortable habits.
We have made many suggestions on how to help you get through this. Go N/c, change your number, get into therapy, join a support group, etc. And although you have done these things / some of these things once or a few times, you are failing to be consistent.
This is never going to "get better" for you until you stop communicating with him. You NEED support to do this. Your son deserves one healthy parent. Make that parent you and do everything you need to do to get there.
I just changed my number. That is a big step for me.
Atta girl BBM! Now, be very careful who you give it to!
Good for you BBM!!!!! Big step!!! Huge! I am so proud of this decision. Let him get his "stuff" but be home and have support by way of family and friends. He gets his things and goes on his merry way. He and his problems are not yours to fix.
I am kind of at a loss at the creepiness if him spying on your sons treehouse. There are really no boundaries for your WH and it is really time to prepare for him to lay it on thick and go to extremes. As another poster stated-your son deserves one strong, healthy parent. That is you BBM. I am really proud of you!
I just changed my number. That is a big step for me.
WAY TO GO!!! WOW!!! I am so proud of you too.
I am not going to lie, it was very hard for me. But after receiving yet ANOTHER message from MY husband and then one from his whore. I was done. HE is basically accusing ME of cheating. HE cheated on ME but this is all my fault!! So yes, I broke NC yet again and texted and told him that if he was so happy with his dope whore then he needed to leave ME alone. What do you know? Then SHE texted telling me that he is happy and I am a fat, bitter bitch that couldn't make my husband happy. THAT was the last straw. No, he isn't happy or he wouldn't continue to text me about stupid stuff. He left ME, so leave ME alone!
So apparently, the person that I dated BRIEFLY over 10 years ago during one of our break ups, has split with his wife. And that is my fault?!? Really? I haven't even talked to the guy in years but yet now I am a homewrecker? OMG! Really? He is grasping at straws now. JUST. LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
Don't reply to Dope Whore. She'll probably be in jail,soon enough.
Don't reply to him,, either. Changing number is more separation. Good for you. Is there a way to block your number so he never sees it?
You are growing stronger and stronger each day.
Don't try to make sense of the crazy. It doesn't work.
Please tell me you didn't do this texting from your new phone number. BBM quit trying to talk sense with people who don't have good sense. You can't use reason with unreasonable people. They have burned up the few good brain cells they were born with by doing meth. Just go dark. You know what they are saying is nonsense and so do they but, they are getting some kind of sick pleasure by torturing you with their little games and you are playing right into their hands.
They are drama llamas. They are going to self destruct. Don't let yourself get sucked down the drain with them!! NC NC NC!!!
Oh no! I texted him right before I had it changed. The number was changed within 10 minutes of that final text. So if they responded, I didn't get it.
There is definitely no reasoning with him at this point. I honestly don't know this man. He never acted this way!! But then again, he wasn't in the position that he is in now. I just don't understand why they won't just leave me alone!! Now they have to, at least on my cell. I hope my home number doesn't have to be changed as well. I am worried about the fact that he has been driving by my house. I can't change that as easily as I could my phone number....
No you can't change your home address like you can your cell number, that is why I suggested the game cameras. They will capture him if he is creeping around. Then you can file a RO. Put up a No Trespassing sign.
Put up some motion sensor lights (if you don't have them) If you already have outdoor flood lights switching it over to a motion sensor is not that complicated and anyone that has some basic handyman skills can do that for you.
Know anyone that has a large dog that needs to be babysat for a while? You can make money dogsitting, and also have an automatic alarm that will scare off even the dumbest of methheads.
BBM, the Meth Twins won't leave you alone because: as addicts, THEY NEED A CONSTANT FIX. And right now picking on YOU is their mutual fix they can get high on together. They are USING YOU- their narcissistic supply- to feed their weak, superficial, selfish egos. They are the screwed-up ones, so of course they need a scapegoat. Then they can call YOU the bad guy. It's the most predictable thing these kinds of sick people do. They need to point the finger at YOU- and make you into the big, bad evil wife who drove her poor, widdle, innocent, long-suffering hubby away. 'It's just us against the big bad world...' .......LOL!!!!!
So I know, I know... believe me-- I KNOW-- it's so hard... But just be patient. There is no other ending to this but their own self-destruction.. and now that you've withdrawn your narcissistic ego kibbles, I can pretty much guarantee the outcome: their egos will starve, so they will find a new target to blame all the problems on. But this can only last so long, because they will eventually turn on each other, and attack each other. Then their house of cards will come tumbling down......
So just sit back and wait. And in the meantime, take care of yourself, your boy, and put all that energy into building a new life for yourself. While they spiral down into their big black hole together.
I just don't understand why they won't just leave me alone!!
You can't make sense out of nonsense. So don't waste your time trying.
I'm coming to this thread very late, so I apologize that this is going to seem totally out there in relation to the current posts going on..
I just wanted to say
My father is an addict. While he was married to my mom, he was a heavy alcoholic (still is) and also was into heavier drugs. My mom found out about cocaine, but she did not know the full extent. He cheater on her. He was physically and mentally abusive, though she didn't realize the mental side at the time (she had ot get out of her own fog).
She left when i was 2 years old. We lived in a women's shelter for a bit while my mom got her head straight through counseling and Al-Anon and while her family could set up a safe living situation for us.
We were poor most of my life. Very poor at times. But I was happy. I was safe. I had amazing uncles who showed me how men should act. I rarely saw my father. he wanted little to do with me - and I'm glad, because he was toxic.
It's better to be from a broken home than in one. I am so thankful my mom broke that cycle.
strength to you, because stepping into the unknown is hard. Stepping into the unknown with a child is even harder. But know that every step forward is also a step leaving that cycle behind.