SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
I'm coming to this thread very late, so I apologize that this is going to seem totally out there in relation to the current posts going on..
I just wanted to say
My father is an addict. While he was married to my mom, he was a heavy alcoholic (still is) and also was into heavier drugs. My mom found out about cocaine, but she did not know the full extent. He cheater on her. He was physically and mentally abusive, though she didn't realize the mental side at the time (she had ot get out of her own fog).
She left when i was 2 years old. We lived in a women's shelter for a bit while my mom got her head straight through counseling and Al-Anon and while her family could set up a safe living situation for us.
We were poor most of my life. Very poor at times. But I was happy. I was safe. I had amazing uncles who showed me how men should act. I rarely saw my father. he wanted little to do with me - and I'm glad, because he was toxic.
It's better to be from a broken home than in one. I am so thankful my mom broke that cycle.
strength to you, because stepping into the unknown is hard. Stepping into the unknown with a child is even harder. But know that every step forward is also a step leaving that cycle behind.
Baseballmum I know I am coming to very late but on some level I can understand how you feel about a lot and wondered if your husband had ever promised to get help with the drugs etc before. My partner of 3 yrs relapsed and hid it from me for 12 mths until his addiction was taken hold to much and I found all his stuff etc i left with our child and my other child as I did not want to risk losing my child if her father found out and knew I stayed. It had now been three months and in that time he cheated on me through texts and calls and slept with the girls once. He is now "clean" and it appears to have brought to his sense about everything he has done to our family both his children and mine and the hurt and appears to be doing and saying everything right to move forward for R. Can I ask has your H ever done this with the drugs and now slipped again and how did you know when enough was enough??
I am a nervous wreck today. I even ended up taking a xanax to calm down a bit. The last I heard, he was coming at 5 to pick up his stuff. I spent all morning packing things. I did have a few moments of sadness, which quickly turned to anger. I only packed the things that I wanted him to have and a few things I left out just out of pure hatefulness. I think I am entitled to a little spite....anyway, I packed it and carried it out to the sidewalk. He still hasn't shown up.
I took my car to a friends house and came back home. I didn't want my house empty but I also don't want him to think I am here. My cousin left, who my H knows will kick his ass at any point, is close and he parked his truck in my druveway. I don't really expect him to show but his behavior has been so erratic lately, it is hard telling what he will do.
Hopefulmum- Early in our relationship, years and years ago, my husband struggled with his addiction. He even attempted suicide at one point, after that he spent some time in a hospital. He relapsed soon after. He has also been in a rehab/treatment center. However, this is the worst he has EVER been. His behavior has begun to worry me and I knew, for the sake of our child, that I had to face facts. As far as drugs, I believed he was clean since our son was born. He will be 10 in a few days. However, I am realizing now that he was still using. Mostly alcohol but drugs also at times. He may promise me the world so he has somewhere to go. And he may do good for awhile, but the addiction is a vicious cycle. And with the addiction comes the lies, cheating and mental abuse. I have to remove my son from that cycle. Good luck to you, I hope I have helped a little.
I have just finished reading this entire thread and I have to tell you that the woman you are now, is not the woman you were when you first posted. You are amazing and you must believe you can do this. I am in awe of how far you have come. It gives me hope that I can also do this.
It is obvious how much you love your son, so I do want to add something that may help give you the strength to keep going.
My own WS left me a month ago for OW, and has no remorse, no nothing. The thing is, his father did exactly the same thing to his mother and he always swore that he would never be like his dad. His mother took it, did nothing and she now 67 and living on welfare. He has 3 brothers and they always talked about how much it bothered them and that they would never, ever do something like this. Well, 2 of them have, so far. They also have become alchoholics like thier father.
My point is that children learn from what they see. It may not come out for years, but it's the truth. Doesn't matter what they hear, they learn from what they experience. I am also an educator so I know you know this in your head, but living it is a whole different thing.
What you want your child to know is that you stood up for yourself. You protected him and you showed him how life should be lived. My husband's mother just took it at the expense of her children. She never showed them that it was wrong. Your son deserves better. You want to teach him how to be a good and honest person who does their best not to hurt the people who love them.
You move on! You have come so far in a couple of months, think where you will be in five years. You will have taught you son what it means to lead a good life. Your family will help. SI will help. Whenever you feel weak, just think about how much you will be teaching your son. I wish my mother in law had done the same for her sons.
So hugs to you and again, I think it is amazing how far you have come!!!
Bumping thread up. Wanting to check in with you BBM and see how you are doing?
Hope yesterday was peaceful for you.
Thank you, Blindsided. I really hope I am setting a good example for my son. I do NOT want him growing up and repeating the pattern. My FIL is also an alcoholic and cheated numerous times on MIL. My H swore it was one thing that he would NEVER do. Hahaha. Yeah, right.
Tushnurse and Hopetosurvive- I am okay today. And I did okay yesterday, too. Saturday was hard. It shouldn't have been. There have been so many times that he was supposed to show and didn't so I should have known better. I took a lot of pictures down yesterday. Now the only ones that are up are our wedding pictures. I started to get upset and decided that I had done enough for the time being.
Changing my number was the best thing that I could have done. NC is saving my sanity! I also deleted any and all numbers that could be associated with him, such as his family and friends. Less temptation that way.
I stopped at the gas station this morning and saw a friend of his, someone who helped him cover up and lied for him. He refused to even look at me. He was always very friendly before. Guilty, much??? Idiots.
Update on the food stamp issue: My lying, cheating bastard husband DID put me on his food stamp application!! What a lowlife! I have already filled out paperwork in my county stating that I do not, nor have I EVER lived in the county that he applied in. Now I have to go after work to that county and do the same thing. Plus I have to take in 3 different items that show proof of my residency in my county. Just more aggravation because of him! OMG I AM SO FED UP WITH THE BULLSHIT!!!!!
Hang on to the anger. That's going to give you some strength.
At least there is a solution to his asshat move on the Food Stamps.
Remember there are food banks out there that can help you as well. It's ok to get some assistance until you get things turned around.
So glad to see you sticking with NC, BBM! :-) Ugh, I hate that this food stamp thing is so complicated for you. But, at the end of the day, it will only show what an ass he has become. Maybe that'll be some leverage for you in regards to D. Sending you hugs and cheering you on!
BBM-I continue to be so proud of you. I hope you are feeling yourself grow stronger and stronger. You are doing amazingly well under these circumstances. Good for you moving forward within your home and making it more about your future and moving forward from the past. I know how hard it is to remove the photos and items that remind you of the past. However, it is a huge, positive step forward for you. Take your time.
The friend of your WH knows he is a dirt-bag and that is why he cannot look at you. You did nothing wrong and get to march forward with your chin up and integrity in tact. Something that man will never know or understand. They are are so far below you that I do not want you to even give them a tiny bit of your head space.
I am also sorry that the food stamp issue is such a hassle. He sure didnt care one bit about taking food out of the mouth of his child or what it would do to you. Purely selfish. If he purchased less drugs he would have money to buy his own food! See it to the end and get the situation fixed as it should be. You and your son need and deserve the assistance for the time being and your WH does not. I am proud of you for following through.
As for him getting his belongings. I might have missed a post someplace but wanted to say that I hope you are being certain to be not alone with WH. Have a family member or friend there with you. I am sure you already have thought of all of that.
You sound strong BBM! Keep us posted as we are all here for you!
[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 10:59 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]
Hey BBM-the food stamp scam made me think of something you might want to keep in mind: it might be a good idea to keep watch over your son's social security # and credit. My in-laws are both severe addicts, have been for years, and often used my He's and his siblings credit for utilities, etc. I don't know if it's harder to do these days but I wouldn't be surprised if your ex at least attempts it at some point. My H is named after his father, so it was easy for his dad to do it. Just thought I'd mention this.
Ugh! Thank you, Gonnagetthru! I didn't even think about that. I am glad that you did. I wouldn't put it past him to try something like that! Nothing he does surprises me, at this point.
I am trying to stay strong. And the anger is definitely helping me to do that. Yesterday, he received a letter about his child support. Or should I say, I received a letter about his child support. Ooops....it may have gotten lost. They are going to start garnishing his wages from his minimum wage fast food job. Oh but the job he had before was a shit job, according to him. Really? IDIOT.
You're welcome. Hopefully that'll never happen but it's another "typical addict maneuver." The stunts my in-laws have pulled over the years are unbelievable; hell my FIL has been on disability for 20+ years and is in no way disabled- he was just too lazy to work and SS payments to the kids made up for him paying child support I guess. Ugh, so sad. I'm glad you've allowed yourself to be angry; I think it's doing you well and I see you getting stronger from it.
OMG!! I have a funny for you....so last night, my cousin calls me. She is laughing so hard that she can barely get out why she is calling. Finally, she says, "I am calling to play Cupid. But it is so funny, I don't think I can even say it!" My husbands BEST FRIEND (who by the way, was a big part of hiding and lying to me about what was going on!)actually wanted her to get ahold of me and see if I wanted to go out with him on a date! Are you fucking kidding me?!? He says that he is not talking to my husband because he has gotten so into drugs and his whore and he (the best friend) is trying to clean up. Do I believe that? Not at all! I really think that my husband is putting him up to this. But it did give me a good chuckle! I guess we could go to the fast food restaurant that my husband is working at!
Oh but I would have to pay, since his friend has no job and no car. Oh and lives with his parents! LOL!!!
OOOOH BBM, Maybe you should rethink that one, he sounds like quite the prize!!!
I am so happy that you found the humor in the situation, and that your cousin had your back. That is just the definition of dysfunction...
I can see him justifying to himself his actions, and that he just knows your sluting it up since he's gone, and he's gonna prove it, by pulling this stunt......LOL.
I'm sitting here just shaking my head.....
Haha! What a catch!! That's crazy. I totally agree your WH put him up to it . That's so immature that its hard to imagine grown men concocting such things... Crazy!!
How are you BBM? Did the food stamp issue get dealt with?
Oh Tushnurse, that is EXACTLY what I thought! He wants me to look like the bad guy! Hahaha! Yeah, well he could have found me a better "boyfriend". You know, at least one with a job! LOL!
As for the food stamps, they told me that they are currently 2 months behind. However, it did NOT take them 2 months to cut me off! Anyway, I will get continue to get them until they investigate, however, if it is proven that I am lying then I will have to pay them back. Not a problem there. He will NOT get them until he shows some proof. Again, no problem there.
Today is my sweet boys 10th birthday. Where does the time go? Last night he said, "Mom, do you think my Dad will even call me tomorrow?" When I told him that I was sorry but I really doubted it, he looked so sad and said, "Yeah I doubt it, too." I am having him a small, family party tonight. I hope that is enough to keep his mind off of what/who is missing. Another 1st for us. I hate this.
Happy Birthday to your sweet boy!! I am so very sorry that he even has to ask that question about a man who is his father. Truth be told his father staying away is the best thing for him, I know he cannot understand that right now. More empty words from dad are worse then no words at all. Just wrap that boy up in love and celebrate his special day. I know it will hurt if dad doesn't call, (and truthfully it is best if he doesnt because his real motive isnt love for his child but more manipulation of him) but you and the family that truly love him and put him first will be there for him and that is what matters most.
Keep being strong, keep being the amazing mom that you are. Show your son what a good parent is, what real love and care is. It will be hard but it will be OK. I am so sorry BBM but you are still doing amazingly well and we are all so proud of you. Happy Birthday to your sweet boy, and boy do I know how quickly they grow. My oldest is 8 and I feel like he should still be a toddler. Time flies.