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Prison Time

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scaredyKat posted 7/10/2014 17:50 PM

You haven't lost your family. Your son is your family. He is an addict. Think of your husband as dead. Because, while addicted, the guy you married IS! Addicts have only one love- their drug. Even the OW in his case is just a conduit to the drug, not even a real person, just someone to get high with.


PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go to Naranon or Alan on. You will find such clarity, such peace. And help your son by finding a counselor to whom he can talk. Children of addicts too often wind up addicted! You MUST get well, with help, for your real family, your son!

norabird posted 7/10/2014 18:15 PM

You are losing him and gaining a chance at an amazing new life. Believe that. It is so, so true.

BaseballMom31 posted 7/10/2014 18:59 PM

I feel bad even saying this, but I think a death would have been easier to deal with. Is it horrible that I feel that way?

My son is my family, and the only reason I have to survive this. It took my husband less than 2 hrs AFTER I said for him to leave me alone to text. Still blaming me, of course. I don't know what he wants from me. Just leave me alone. Let me begin to heal. I feel like I am drowning. Everytime I come up for air, he pushes me back down.

I am beginning to see the mental abuse now. I just never thought I was being abused, but as I go through things in my head, I realize it. Things he purposely said only to hurt me, the blaming me, so much I missed....how could I be so stupid?!?

For some reason, he will not be getting his monitor for 2weeks. So he was basically given 2 free weeks to run and party. I am sure that plays a big part in why he ended up not xoming home. But oh well, like I said before, it is best for everyone. I just need to face facts.

sadtoo posted 7/10/2014 19:42 PM

What are YOU going to do for YOURSELF over these next two weeks?

You have to start focusing on you and your son.

Of course it's all your fault! Who else is he going to blame? He's an addict and an abuser. This is what they do!

You're in good company though. It was all my fault too that my XWH cheated, had a secret OC with his OW, couldn't quit drinking, because I was abusing him, blah, blah fuckity-blah.

Who cares?

These people are TOXIC and will destroy your life if you allow them to do so. STOP now, say NO, lose his number and start your healing.

Believe me. You start to take steps to heal yourself now, you will be so strong in 6 months, you won't believe it. If you do nothing, or worse, keep doing what you're doing, you will be right where you are today. Only it could be worse.

You CAN do this! Get going!!

BaseballMom31 posted 7/11/2014 07:23 AM

I honestly don't know what I am going to do...my son is gone. It will just be me. Yesterday, I laid on the couch and cried and tried to figure out how my life got so messed up.

He texted me until about 10 last night, even after I had told him not to and that I would delete his number. Still blaming me for everything. Now he is saying something that happened BEFORE we are even together has hurt him. So something I did, that isn't even wrong, hurt him so bad that it has caused him to do drugs and cheat on his wife. Oh and basically abandon his child?

If he wants a new life, with his whore...leave me alone. Why keep texting me? I can't heal if he won't leave me alone to do that.

6 months? I honestly can't see that far into the future. Hell, I don't even know how I will be in an hour.

Schadenfreude posted 7/11/2014 07:57 AM

No law says you must respond to calls or texts. So don't do it. You know he messes with your mind and which buttons to push. Nothing in it for you if you talk to him. Nothing.

redsox13 posted 7/11/2014 08:10 AM

You need this person out of your life. You need to find support to help you through it, but he will destroy everything in his path.

Don't let it be you.

Find help - there are good suggestions here.

outtanowhere posted 7/11/2014 08:14 AM

Don't engage with him when he texts you. Just ignore it. Let him spout out all the reasons you ruined his life leaving him no option but to go out and find a new woman (who will eventually be blamed for his bad choices) and return to drug activity so he can just bear to go on living.

Ignore him. Tell him to stop texting you and if he doesn't tell him you will file harassment charges on him. Don't just stand there and be his whipping boy. While your son is gone you will have every opportunity to get to an Alanon meeting. Trust me, the first time you go you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner!

Take care BBM. This is such bullshit. I hope you get your fill of it soon and start fighting back for your own sanity!

tushnurse posted 7/11/2014 08:15 AM

BB Mom- Quit making his choices about you.

I guess I know now how he really feels about me.

This shows you don't quite get it yet. His choices are based on ONE thing. HIS NEXT HIGH. That's all. Everytime you respond, read, converse, check on him you are allowing him to abuse you again. STOP!!!!
Block his texts and calls if you can. If not delete them before you even read them. If there is some real emergency you will find out. Quit trying to save him. He doesn't want to be saved.

Quit allowing yourself to believe that he made this choice because of his whore. HE MADE THESE CHOICES FOR ONE REASON. ADDICTION.

We have been encouraging you now for over 2 weeks to get your ass to an Al-Anon meeting, and yet you haven't done this. Through many here they have bared their hearts and shared their personal and painful stories, and offer wisdom to prevent you from making the same mistakes, very painful mistakes they did.

You have 2 weeks, no son. You have two weeks to get your shit together, and save yourself. Do you have any idea how great an opportunity this is? Two weeks, 14 days to focus on you, and start to get yourself strong. You could be in a very different mindset by the time your son comes home, and sister your son needs at least one parent that has their shit together, so get up off that couch, and start working on how you are going to be strong.

Quit wallowing in pity of how could I be so stupid, and all the other negative self talk.
Pull it together. Start positive self talk, and start doing positive things for you!

Compartmented posted 7/11/2014 08:50 AM

I am beginning to see the mental abuse now. I just never thought I was being abused, but as I go through things in my head, I realize it. Things he purposely said only to hurt me, the blaming me, so much I missed....how could I be so stupid?!?
{{{ BBM }}} We all felt like that!!! (those of us who were abused) You're not stupid. Abuse happens to highly intelligent people, too. It's a vicious cycle that includes denial and blindness on our parts. Something to do with having too much hope, I think.

Please keep yourself safe. I would hazard a guess and say that not much physical abuse happens without there being emotional abuse first. When you leave an abuser, it's a dangerous time. They are scared to lose the control they had over us. Things can escalate, so stay physically safe.

Don't delete his texts. Document them. Make a copy somehow. Start a log of his behavior. You may not need it, and I hope not, but it'll be good to have it for court if he does something crazy.

Al-Anon and a domestic abuse advocate, Honey! I had to literally drag my feet into the domestic violence shelter at the police station. At the (locked) door I said to myself, "How in the world is this my life?" I found great help inside. For one thing, they did an evaluation on my situation to see what the likelihood of a problem with him could be. Scary results there!!

Stay safe and keep posting!!

abbycadabby posted 7/11/2014 09:05 AM

BBM: he's keeping you engaged in his drama so that he's on your radar if he needs you to come to his rescue in the future. It sounds like he's abusive. His blaming you makes you second guess yourself and feel like the crazy one. Don't buy into it, honey. What he's saying is not true. He's using drugs and having an A because he's broken, period. It has nothing to do with you or anything you've done.

Know what you can do in the next 2 weeks? Go no contact with asshat. Only answer texts regarding finances or your son. Gather together all important documentation about finances and any proof you have of his A/parole violations/etc. See an attorney like yesterday. Get yourself to Alanon. Counseling for you and your DS if financially feasible. Get yourself tested for STDs. Order the book "Codependent No More" and read it.

I'm sure that your anger will come. Where there is anger, there is also a strength you never knew you possessed.

(((BBM)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 9:06 AM, July 11th (Friday)]

sadtoo posted 7/11/2014 13:53 PM

I honestly don't know what I am going to do...my son is gone. It will just be me. Yesterday, I laid on the couch and cried and tried to figure out how my life got so messed up.

Laying on the couch crying will get you nowhere. You KNOW how your life got so messed up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it.

He texted me until about 10 last night, even after I had told him not to and that I would delete his number. Still blaming me for everything.

This is ABUSE. And if I were you, I would record and document all of these mean, nasty text messages and forward them right to his parole officer. Then I would get the money somehow (borrow it from your dad) and go file for divorce ASAP. And while you're at it, file for a protection order to keep him away from you and your son. Then every time he calls, texts, and harasses you again, call the police and have his ass thrown back in jail.

But this is just me.

You can sit on the couch and cry while he continues to beat you up and abuse you emotionally, or you can get up and do something about it.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:54 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

Schadenfreude posted 7/11/2014 14:08 PM

Let him blame you all he wants. Why did you, for instance, push the crystal meth up his nose (or however one takes that drug)? Why did you shove his c@(k in her p#$$y? Why did you steal that money from him that he had saved up to pay his child support? Why didn't you buy the winning lottery ticket so all his problems would be solved. What sort of wife are you???????

This guy is nucking futs. The less you communicate with him the better off you'll be. I think you've realized that. He likes head games with you to control you. I think you should read up on codependency -- the overwhelming urge to fix another. You can't fix him. I'll bet you'll see that threats of prison won't fix him either.

He is an addict to multiple substances. You aren't the local rehab center.

And, when things get tough (i.e. you want to talk to him) remember whether your son is better off with or without this role model.

You never answered my question about whether your MIL is screwed up because of FIL or just screwed up all by herself. If because of FIL, you see your future if you stay with him. Look at FIL and see your future if you stay with him, too. Want to be with that in 30 years?

BaseballMom31 posted 7/11/2014 17:15 PM

I know that I don't have to respond to him. But everytime he texts, I get a knot in my stomach and then butterflies. Stupid, I know, to still be in love with someone who has hurt me and our child so much. He has texted all day. Some blaming still, some feeling sorry for himself. But you know what? Not one text has he asked about his child. It has all been about him. Selfish. Uncaring. Addict. So many words come to my mind. I printed out several copies of the 180 list today. I am going to try it, AGAIN. I need to, for my own sanity.

He did tell me that he has to go to new parole officer, in a different county on Monday. The county they are transferring him to is much stricter than the county where our house is. Again, that is my Dads friends fault, which translates to my fault. Even though, he told his po himself that he was "scared" to come here. Whatever.

I am going to go to the Al-anon meeting in my area on Thursdsy. I am just really embarrassed about it because of my job and the fact that we live in such a small community. I just hate everyone knowing how bad things have gotten. I teach in a very prominent school in my area with a lot of people that I would prefer not to know that I have an convicted felon/addict for a husband. 1st time I have ever been embarrassed to say who/what my husband is....I have always been so proud of him.

About my MIL and FIL....I believe that she is emotionally and mentally abused as well. I don't think it has always been this way. She used to work and lead a productive life. The factory she worked at closed and she was home all the time with him, after his injury. I think he started abusing her after he became addicted. She started with xanax and soon became a zombie. Now she is so out of it, I honestly don't know if she realizes how bad her life has gotten. She is in a very deep depression. So I don't know if she has always had the mindset of an addict or if the years of living with him caused it. To be completely honest, the whole family is messed up and has addictive personalities. I sure hope it skips a generation and my son doesn't have the same problems.

And that is why I know I have to get better. I have to heal, if not for myself, but for him. He NEEDS a strong parent that can show him how to live a good life, without drugs or alcohol. I have to do this for him. And I will.

Schadenfreude posted 7/11/2014 18:13 PM

Worry about your environment and your son's
Being a loser addict isn't genetic

Get him out of your life

tushnurse posted 7/11/2014 18:30 PM

Wtf? Quit bearing his choices like some cross. He chose to be a felon he chose to be an addict DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED. You need to get over that and fast. You need to find meetings more than once a week too. Did you go yesterday? If not then you have lost a week on the support you could be getting if you went today. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

You are in crisis mode and you have a golden opportunity to make some real significant changes whole your boy is gone. Wouldn't it be nice for him to come home and see a mom that is fresh faced positive and having a plan for the future in place?
He deserves that at least.

You know what will quit your worries about what everyone else is thinking? Showing them just how strong you can be.

Holly-Isis posted 7/11/2014 18:54 PM

Could you contact the parole officer about the harassing texts and see what can be done to stop them?

doggiediva posted 7/11/2014 18:57 PM

I was the child of a scenario similar to yours..My step dad was drunk..Drove while drunk, killed a child..
Prison..That was where he went for a short time..My mom waited for him...Away from us...I am thinking my mom and stepdad worked to create a life where we could thrive with them..That was what they wanted before they sent for us..My sister and I thought that Mom abandoned us..We were left to stay with our paternal grand parents..
Whatever you do, leave a trail so that your children, family can find you..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:00 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

CheaterMagnet posted 7/11/2014 19:05 PM

BBM,

I understand your fears about people knowing your business. I also live in a small town. My WH is a sex addict and we have no SA-Anon here. I went to one Al-anon meeting but couldn't bear to tell my story to people I was likely to run into at Costco in the future.

HOWEVER, there is a reason for the "Anon" in the name. You are anonymous. Part of the standards are that your business isn't spread around for general consumption. Also, you don't HAVE to tell your story. You can just listen and absorb (that's what I did and I learned so much). I just sat and cried the first time.

Please stop being afraid and stop being embarrassed. Tush is right. The shame isn't yours to bear. It's his. HIS choices. HIS behaviors. Not YOURS. Take the help. Take this time to break your codependent cycle. See him for who he truly is. There is a saying, "How do you know when an addict is lying? Their mouth is moving." This is SO completely true.

We are all here for you. Even when we sound harsh, it is coming from a place of love and experience. We are trying to save you some of the pain.

hihn posted 7/11/2014 20:44 PM


A family member of mine spent time in prison and he was not permitted to take his bipolar meds for his 9 month stay there. I don't have any idea about the logic behind that kind of decision.

I just want to clear sometimg up about medications and prison life. I have worked as a medical professional in a state corrections system for the last 8 years. It is an inmates/prisoners personal right to medical treatment including medications. This is a federal law. Especially if not having them could be life threatening (either his or others). Not getting bipolar medication could most definitely become life threatening. Inmates/prisoners who refuse to take their bipolar meds can become either suicidal or homicidal, at the least become harmful to themselves or others due to the environment in which they have to live within. It was not unusual to see an inmate go off the deep end shortly after refusing his bipolar meds. No self preserving or self respecting medical professional would deliberately withhold this type of medication from a true bipolar. Not in prison anyway. The results would come back to bite them, & sometimes in a quite literal way. I suspect this guy was trying to milk some unearned pity from family members. But I could be wrong

Compartmented posted 7/11/2014 21:33 PM

I am going to go to the Al-anon meeting in my area on Thursdsy. I am just really embarrassed about it because of my job and the fact that we live in such a small community. I just hate everyone knowing how bad things have gotten. I teach in a very prominent school in my area with a lot of people that I would prefer not to know that I have an convicted felon/addict for a husband. 1st time I have ever been embarrassed to say who/what my husband is....I have always been so proud of him.
You don't have to say a word. I would say a little over half the time when I see someone new at a meeting, they don't share their story at the beginning. I know a woman who says she sat and cried through meetings for six months before she spoke. That said, when you DO spill something out at a meeting, it feels great to have it out in the open instead of still bottled up inside you. You won't be judged in Al-Anon. They'll pass you the box of tissues and give you hugs after the meeting.

I also qualify for S-Anon meetings, and I didn't put all of the prostitute and other cheating crap out on the table at Al-Anon until it was all about to come out in court! My group was very supportive of me. Don't forget that people in Al-Anon have their own sad stories. That's kinda' the point - we learn at our meetings how to deal with really crappy shit. I can remember so many times trying out a new meeting, sitting next to someone who seemed so calm, thinking 'This person seems to be doing well', and then hearing their story and realizing it was so much worse than mine.

Hang in there!!

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