SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
I am going to go to the Al-anon meeting in my area on Thursdsy. I am just really embarrassed about it because of my job and the fact that we live in such a small community. I just hate everyone knowing how bad things have gotten. I teach in a very prominent school in my area with a lot of people that I would prefer not to know that I have an convicted felon/addict for a husband. 1st time I have ever been embarrassed to say who/what my husband is....I have always been so proud of him.You don't have to say a word. I would say a little over half the time when I see someone new at a meeting, they don't share their story at the beginning. I know a woman who says she sat and cried through meetings for six months before she spoke. That said, when you DO spill something out at a meeting, it feels great to have it out in the open instead of still bottled up inside you. You won't be judged in Al-Anon. They'll pass you the box of tissues and give you hugs after the meeting.
I also qualify for S-Anon meetings, and I didn't put all of the prostitute and other cheating crap out on the table at Al-Anon until it was all about to come out in court! My group was very supportive of me. Don't forget that people in Al-Anon have their own sad stories. That's kinda' the point - we learn at our meetings how to deal with really crappy shit. I can remember so many times trying out a new meeting, sitting next to someone who seemed so calm, thinking 'This person seems to be doing well', and then hearing their story and realizing it was so much worse than mine.
Hang in there!!
Not to jack the thread, but I have personal knowledge of a case where an inmate had a well known and deadly allergy to dairy. A guard forced him to eat oatmeal that had been cooked with dairy and then refused to get him medical help when he began having a reaction. That young man died in the jail that day. All of this was captured on videotape and made the Huffington Post. That young man was 22 and had been in jail for less than 24 hours on a misdemeanor marijuana charge. Yes, he was a troubled kid but he was a GOOD kid with miles of potential. He was fighting his demons and had voluntarily turned himself in to face the charges. He shouldn't have had to die for that.
Inmates are refused medical care far more often than is acceptable, not by the medical professionals, but by the guards.
Day #1 of no contact starts today. I received a text from him at 2:47 am that said " hey u up? I got $ for a ride" and then immediately got another that said "sorry didnt mean to send that to u". That tells me that he is probably already using again or at least trying to. Why else would he need a ride at thst time? How can he be so stupid?
He is constantly on my mind. He is the last thing I think about before I finally fall asleep and before I even open my eyes, I am thinking about him. I keep going over EVERYTHING in my mind. How do I stop that? The images and the thoughts are killing me!
As bad as I wanted to respond to his wrong text, I didn't. I am really going to try hard with the NC. There is no reason to even talk to him about finances, he hasn't helped me in almost 2 months now. No reason to talk about our son, he hasn't been concerned about him either except for the 2 weeks he was in prison.
I just don't understand how you can just abandon your family like he has. I guess I never will. I have to keep telling myself how damaging he is to us. And I need to keep telling myself all the bad things.
I recently found out that the ankle monitor for house arrest costs $420 a month! Add that to the $600 for child support and his intervention fees, he will never be able to pay it. He will not be able to get a decent job, he is a convicted felon and lost the one he had. He has nothing now. No home, no job, no vehicle, no family. But he has his drugs and his whore. I hope it has all been worth it to him. What a prize she is getting: a married, lying addict.
This is great. Take it a day at a time. An hour at a time. A minute.
Block his number if you can. Every time you get the urge to contact, post here.
I tried to block his Dad, and texts still come through. If I posted here, everytime I wanted to text him I would blow this thread up. :-( I want to talk to him a lot....sad, I know.
For the first time, I just saw his whore at his Dads garage. I disn't see him but I know he is there, too. What a sickening, heartbreaking feeling.
Find a way to distract yourself. A long bath. Working in the garden. A walk. A movie. Even though your mind will go back to him, try to train it to focus on things for you.
I survived day #1 with no contact. It was very hard, especially after seeing her there. One thing he told me on Friday was that his po had advised him not to talk to me about our marriage. I guess she didn't advise him not to be around his drug addicted whore who is going through court proceedings herself for drugs?!
I had seen the pics on Facebook and that was hard. But to actually see her there, knowing he was there too absolutely crushed me. It was a horrible feeling, like I was hit in the stomach with a hammer. Repeatedly.
Tomorrow will be 2 months since he left to go visit his Mom and didn't come home. The beginning of my nightmare. Yesterday, I found the last letter he had written my son wadded up and thrown behind a shelf. I asked my son about it and he said he didn't want it because his Dad had lied and he is mad at him. That kills me. He has always thought his Dad hung the moon and stars. But he hasn't even seen him since the week he was home. He hasn't even tried. Hell, since he has been out, he hasn't even asked how he is!! It is one thing to walk away from me, but his son? How could he do that?!? It breaks my heart to know my son is hurting.
Seeing her there just tells me, there is no hope. He has made his choice and it is not his family. I guess I have known that all a long. I needed to see it. But it doesn't make it any easier. He hasn't texted me since his wrong text, guess we don't even cross his mind. Guess that should make it easier for me, I did ask him to stop.
Nothing to say except how sorry I am that you are going though this.
I asked my son about it and he said he didn't want it because his Dad had lied and he is mad at him. That kills me. He has always thought his Dad hung the moon and stars.
Actually, I think your son has a pretty good handle on things.
It is healthy and NORMAL to be upset and even mad at someone you love when they lie to you. I also think it's more you who thinks your WH hung the moon and stars.
Why are you going to your FIL's garage? Stay away.
I always thought the world of him, too. But my son also does and always has. He has always been his #1 sidekick, wherever he went. He does have a good handle on it, he is a really smart kid.
My husband did finally text me today and ask what he was doing and if he could get him when he got off work at 4. I guess he forgot he is gone with his Papa on vacation. I didn't even respond. For one thing, I know he isn't working. He didn't get a job sitting at the garage with his whore on a Saturday. So just another lie.
Also, I didn't go there. It is on the main street to where I need to go to check my mail. Anytime and every time, I go to the post office, I will have to pass by there. No other option.
Thank you, Redsox. I am sorry that there even has to be a website like this one. So many people hurting over bullshit. Doesn't anyone really believe in marriage anymore. It is heartbreaking to see so many members.
Please don't allow your son to go over there. His father is toxic. His family is toxic. OW is toxic. Your son needs time to heal.
My son is on vacation with my Dad so that wasn't an option. I definitely do not want my son around him until I know he is clean. He doesn't need to be at the garage AT ALL and I haven't let him for awhile. He DEFINITELY will not be around the whore. She can't even see her own kids, she sure as hell won't be around MINE.
I guess because I didn't respond to him, he got pissed. I went to my Moms and I don't have cell service there. When I finally got service, I had 6 texts from him. He wants his stuff that is here and if I was going to be a bitch, then he would call the cops. I texted him back and told him that I just got his message and I had no plans of keeping his things. Guess I messed up my NC. I didn't even make it 2 days.
And of course, I have been crying AGAIN. Why does he have this much control over me? I hate it. As soon as I saw I had texts from him, I got butterflies and then that awful feeling in my stomach. I should be mad at him for EVERYTHING that he has done to our family. But instead of hate or anger, I just feel sorry for him.
2 months tomorrow and the pain is still as fresh and raw as if it had happened yesterday.
[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 7:26 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 7:25 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 7:45 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]
I'm sorry, I don't know why that posted multiple times. I tried to delete it but was unsure so I edited it. Sorry again.
Well 2 months today. It still hurts as if it happened yesterday. When does it get easier to deal with?
180 is hard. If all you did was tell him you are going to let him have his stuff then you did well.
Stick to nonemotional things, finances/kid schedules etc. I believe him getting his shit out of your house qualifies. I would give him a time frame in which he is welcome to come get it, and I would be sure that you have someone who is large, and intimating at the house when he does this, a cop, a brother, a spouse of a good friend, etc. I would make sure his stuff is outside the house, so he has zero excuse to enter. You need to add locks as well. He has no right and no reason to enter.
You need to get to a lawyer sooner than later, and I know finances are an issue, this is where going to a women's shelter, united way, or any other resource agency is essential to you. Doing these things to protect yourself will help you gain strength.
And for Gods sake get your rear end to an Al-Anon meeting, everyday if you can. Again working with a women's shelter, or other agency they will be able to provide you with resources. Focus on YOU.
Two months is very very early. But it WILL get better. Do the work to heal yourself and to separate from him and your healing will start to kick in, even though the rollercoaster continues for a long time. Do not under any circumstances feel that you 'should' be feeling better than you do by now--it is going to take much more time to heal, unfortunately. But it is absolutely going to happen if you invest yourself in moving toward healthier things.
I did stick to the nonemotional things. My exact text said "I have been out of service, I just got your message. I do not plan on keeping any of your things. I have told you that from the beginning." His text was very confrontational. I know he was trying to bait me into an argument.
I guess I just feel like my healing should be farther along by now. Maybe because everyone in my family seems to think that I should just be "over it" by now. And that I am letting him continue to bring me down. I guess I am.
I recently found out that the ankle monitor for house arrest costs $420 a month! Add that to the $600 for child support and his intervention fees, he will never be able to pay it. He will not be able to get a decent job, he is a convicted felon and lost the one he had. He has nothing now. No home, no job, no vehicle, no family. But he has his drugs and his whore. I hope it has all been worth it to him. What a prize she is getting: a married, lying addict
Yeah, this is the kind of guy I cross the street and walk on the other side when I see coming. It just gets no lower than this.
Some of them never, ever get any better.
I know a guy whose 62 and he's still as big a loser as he was back when he was 20, 30, 40 years old - because he was a drunk back then and he's a drunk to this day. He lives in a dilapidated trailer in the woods, gets minimum wage paying jobs when he's able to (which is rarely), hasn't driven in 20 years due to multiple DUI's and having lost his license (and couldn't afford a car, anyway), he's STILL a dysfunctional drunk living on his own because his kids no longer speak to him and his wife left him years ago, and he's every psychiatrist's wet dream because he's such a complete f*ck up.
It wouldn't surprise me at ALL if your H ends up the same way, 30 years from now.
You're a smart lady for deciding you want better in life for you and your children. And you SHOULD want better.