We were invited to the boat of one of his friends to have a BBQ and a ride. I rejected it. Told him I didn't want to go. That me and the kids would stay behind. I didn't feel like being around interesting, successful people who own boats so stop asking! Crap eh?
Well...I then walked in on my parents disconnecting (they do this daily) and once I saw that I told myself that I didn't want this for my own M. I asked myself WHY I was rejecting my H and this fun family offer.
I came up with the fact that I am now estranged with my girfriend of 25 years "because of him". She has rejected the idea that the four of us be friends again. She will accept me but not my H because as she wrote me, "I am an emotional person and if I don't feel something, then I don't do it and right now, I am not feeling it."
Yeah. Let's operate on emotion alone and see how far that gets all of us!
Anyway, I thought, "why should I do this for him when he had an A and broke our foursome up?" Then I realized that my friend is assisting rather nicely in this break up. That we have both offerd to talk. That notes have been written to her. To no avail. He could have made different choices. She can make them now too. She is choosing not too.
Anyway...I had a tea, washed my face and told him we would all go together. He was thrilled! It was a pretty good night afterall.
I was glad I stopped and thought about where it was all coming from and not to let emotions rule.
It seems you figured this out, but I will mention it anyways
I came up with the fact that I am now estranged with my girfriend of 25 years "because of him".
Your husband fucked up, big time.
He has taken steps to heal and grow with you in your marriage.
His actions may have caused a reaction with your friend, but it is not his "fault" she is unable to take this journey with the two of you. It's hers to own. She is missing out on a big lesson here, there is so much to learn and so much value in this road we have to take. Being a friend of yours would allow her to see the growth and healing you have to go through to create a marriage that is what many hope for in life.
She doesn't have that in her and cannot give you what you need right now. It's her loss and really, not your husband's fault.
She wasn't able to stand up to this test in your foursome friendship. Don't lay that blame on your husband's shoulders...he is carrying enough of his own stuff right now.
Enjoy the boat ride and the bbq, I am glad you decided to go. Being passive aggressive and not going to spite someone else would only end up hurting yourself and staining the hard work you and he have done.
I'm so glad you were able to crawl out of that hole and have a fun family night, after all.
I just wanted to clarify what you already suspected karma...
This is what I was mad about BUT...I realized it was NOT "real". I was able to recognize that my friend was and is not being fair. At first I wanted to hold onto this so-called reason to justify my shitty behaviour but knew that was wrong. Knew it was wrong bc her behaviour RIGHT NOW says more about her then his past PAST actions.
My H wrote her and her H a letter following D-Day. Not making excuses but apologzing for hurting me so much. He also asked to meet with her last year at this time so she could express her feelings. She cancelled. He has tried.
Being a friend of yours would allow her to see the growth and healing you have to go through to create a marriage that is what many hope for in life.
This is what I truly wanted her to see and not just read from my emails of the last 18 months or so. But she cannot get to this place and it is truly her loss. She has offered to be there for me when it comes to lonliness being away from home/missing friends, etc. But like hatemyhusbandwrote.....
This journey is tough enough wo having unsupportive people in your life. A true friend doesn't set conditions for friendship. It may not be a bad idea tht the foursome is broken up
life is too short and precious to waste time with someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve. Friendships are like marriages, they take work on both sides
very true devastated. And when I look back over the many summers and Christmases that I have visited over the last 9 years, it was always me initiating esp in the past four. Always me trying to accomodate her timeline, trying to get our kids together. I am her son's godmother and she is godmother to one of mine. I have never dropped that ball with her child. She has let some of my visits go by w/o seeing my kids. That really hurt.
Also, I can count at least 6 "BEST" friends she has dropped since I met her 25 years ago. I never thought I would be one of them but I should not be surprised. She recently told me of her "new best friend...well, you know not my best friend but someone I really like" and how similar they are and how they can just talk and agree. Whatever. It sounds totally boring to me.
We had a great time with my H's friend on the boat. This friend was an interesting guy and interested in me as a person, wife and mom.
Glad the post was helpful to you Zengirl. I felt I got to that place by being very intentional with my thoughts, feeling my feelings and moving on to do the right thing. I know I wont always get there but this time I did.
This is the last summer my parents will have their house so we are going to be with them for a couple more weeks and my friend knows I am here in town.
I never saw my friend as selfish...more-so she has always had this righteous anger thing going on. She thinks she has all the answers. She also thinks is the NOT a conflict avoider but she is the worst kind of CA - the kind that thinks they are not a CA!
I think my friend has a good heart but she is not forgiving and never has been to be honest. I sure hope her own kids keep their major screw ups from her!
Like your H, I know my H will miss her H and some of the friends. Whenever we were in town they would watch whatever sporting event was on and share laughs. This is what is so hard for her to understand - how he could be so "normal" and hang out with them...and do what he did. She doesn't get that he was in his own little compartmentalized world. She would rather sit there and be angry and let her emotions decide her relationships instead of trying to understand or even just show compassion.
Sadly, I know she will sit back and tell herself that she has done the right thing by letting us go and it is my loss. She will tell herself that she is better off bc I am one more of those people who just doesn't get it.
[This message edited by LA44 at 9:36 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]