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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Family members who don't know
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While this weekend went very well, there were a couple times when I wished people in his family, who we didn't tell, would know about our situation, he has elected to tell no one but his dad.

While shooting off fireworks two scantily clad young you g girls walked by. Maybe hubby took a quick glance or none at all, not sure. But SIL said to me "hey she's checking out your husband." And "now he's checking out her." I didn't think he did but simply her saying that sunk me. For about a half hour. Had she known our story I doubt she would joke about things like that. Our other friends and family do not.

I told hubby later, that it hurt, and he handled the trigger fine. I suppose telling her everything and having whatever ensue is weighed more heavily than her side stepping what could trigger us .

It sucks though. Anyone else deal with this?

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:47 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5342 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Rach....

Everyone knows about my husband's A...lemme tell ya, it doesn't stop people from saying A related "jokes".

Have you considered sharing more with those you trust?

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's very worried about the gossip factor in his family. I think he wants to maintain his perfect hero status but that is an assumption and I could be wrong. I'll ask him,

Our close friends know..,,


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5342 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have people who we didn't tell. The only member of his family who knows is his sister (and I told her within minutes of finding out myself). I don't know that it has made a difference either way. My parents used to joke about places (like work or the shop) being each other's bf/gf, but that stopped way before my H had his A's. My H's family doesn't think anything is off limits, so, like his sister does, they probably wouldn't even think about stopping that kind of talk. Sometimes, I let them know that I don't find anything amusing about being unfaithful. Sometimes I find a way to change the conversation. Sometimes I just shut up and find a way to excuse myself as soon as possible. Sorry that you're struggling with it all. Have you and your H talked about why he doesn't want to tell his family? For my H, his mom is an I remorseful WS and his dad is a rug sweeping BS. I understand and agree with why they haven't been told. If you haven't had that discussion, I encourage you to have it.

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Jan 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, we've talked that his mom would spread it around, which is true.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5342 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Doubts
♀ Member
Member # 40209
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one knows except for adult daughter. She found out because she saw me on dday and I was unhinged and guessed. It would change too many relationships and would not bring about anything positive to the situation. (Except family would know why I am crazy)

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only one close couple friend knows...this is my choice because the gossip mill is just toooo much than I WANT to bear...I have shared with a few close friends about his sadness after his dad died....
I feel people like you all here on SI can give me the support I need....coming from your own place of healing....
this is a choice...some tell some don't....hey the jokes are still out there....just like listening to music or watching Tv/movies etc....
Hang in there Rachel....you are doing well...
Your triumphs and angst helps people like me!
Thank you....
Btw in the off topic today I read the post 'my son died today' that is a pain I hope I never know....
Life is precious...


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 637 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
cutie35
♀ New Member
Member # 43979
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have this problem too. Ironically the only person I wanted to talk to on DDay after all the yelling and crying was his Dad. Which I did and H supported. my FIL and MIL are the only ones that know out of his family. My parents and family still don't know. that relationship has always been strained and neither of us wanted to further cause issues there if we decided to R. We knew they would hinder that and that negativity was something we didn't need.

I still have issues watching any TV show, reading a book, seeing commercials, anything that deals with A's.


BS 34
WH 35
OW 29
2 DS 6&8
DDay 4/27/13
married just over 10 years on dday

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2014
thecosmogirl
♀ Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone knows except my mother. Because she is a wench. She has spent my entire adult life belittling my relationships. If I had a boyfriend she would ask him just how long did he think he could put up with me. If I didn't have a boyfriend she would ask what I did to run the last one off. She told me to stay with my mentally abusive, serial cheating ex because "It could be worse, at least he has a job." << exact quote!
If she found out she would tell me I must've made him do it. Because I'm so hard to live with.
She stopped by for lunch last week. Didn't take her long to look at my WH and say "You're such a nice guy, why do you put up with her."
I slammed my iPad, got up and walked out. I heard her say "I guess you're leaving" as I left through the back door.
Good news on that little scene is my WH was actually nice. Wonders never cease but, maybe he understood why that triggered me so bad. We both got in his truck and he held my hand and told me he loved me and that I was beautiful. Small potatoes but, better than what he has been doing lately, which is a bland "I'm here." With no emotion.

[This message edited by thecosmogirl at 8:51 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
Topic Posts: 9

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