Hello. I am not married. My significant other and I have been together three and a half years. On the verge of engagement, very serious.
In December, I received an anonymous note at my office. Said SO was a piece of shit, liar, cheater, and had a baby he didn't pay support for. I laughed it off, since SO has a psycho ex and figured she was acting up again.
Three weeks ago, I got another one, this time much more insistent that he lied to me and he has a baby.
This time, I demanded an explanation. He came clean and told me the sordid story.
His mother passed from ALS in late 2011. Between that, his high stress job, everything going on, we started to have some issues. The way he described it, he was dead inside.
Someone he has known for years called him when I was out one night. Come over, I know you're upset, we can sit and talk. Him, the dumbass, honestly thought she called him for a friendly visit.
As he described it, she let him in, small talk was made and she jumped on him. He did not push her off. I made him tell me every single gory detail. The encounter lasted 5 minutes, he barely touched her, didn't kiss her, didn't undress. She "fondled until he was hard and put on a condom and climbed on." After this, he left, went home, wrote two suicide letters and sat with his gun on his lap until my very innocuous "I'm headed home, miss you" text came through. He decided to go on living and become utterly devoted to me. And he did, he was wonderful to me.
I thought that was the end of the story. Oh, no, no. She got pregnant and called him six weeks later, all excited. He blew his top, screaming at her, and based on a few things she said, she set out deliberately to do this. Either she punched a hole in the condom or stuffed it inside of her. He offered her thousands of dollars to terminate (if you're pro life, please don't berate me for that), and she refused. She said she wanted nothing from him but hinted that maybe he'd come around with their baby was born? He said no, and hung up.
The woman had a live in boyfriend. SO didn't know of the kid was his or the BF. Nevertheless, she realized babies aren't cheap and went to a lawyer demanding he pay child support. She threatened to go public and tell everyone (which she already had), and both he and I work in very public jobs. He threw god knows how much money at her, without demanding a DNA test. She wanted the test made public in open court with legitimization. To keep it quiet, he paid. The moron he is.
Honestly? I didn't think the kid was his. Looks nothing like him and SO swore up and down he didn't "finish" with her. I believe him.
I found her on Facebook, told her I knew, told her I stay away from us, called her a few choice names, told her I didn't think SO was the father. She CALLED MY OFFICE the next morning and said SO acknowledged paternity and I needed to get the F over it.
With that, I demanded a DNA test. She took a few days to mull it over, but agreed on the condition we stay away from her and the baby and respect their privacy. Basically, write me a check and leave me alone.
That six day wait was agony. I didn't sleep. I lost 10 pounds and became emaciated. I looked for signs to tell me the baby wasn't his, superstitious things. I was utterly confident it would go in our favor.
Wednesday. That's when the world came crashing down. He is the father. I reacted so viscerally, screaming, crying, asking why and how this happened.
His attorney is handling the details of the support agreement. It's out of our hands.
Since that afternoon, more and more information is pouring in about her, from various sources. She was obsessed with my SO for years, they went on one date, he didn't feel it, and they didn't go out again. When she found out we were dating and it was very serious, she went off the deep end.
She likely messed with the condom, and decided to have the baby on the thought he'd leave me for her for "the baby's sake." When that didn't happen, she spiraled. Then I found out and despite all this, decided to forgive him, then she realized she was stuck. Apparently she didn't really want the baby, and now she is stuck. She didn't just want a baby, she wanted HIS baby.
Both of us believe it was conceived as a ploy, and his attorney deemed her a stalker. Now, realizing the grave mistake she made, she wants him to pay but stay out of their lives. He is happy to oblige. Call us cold, but going after visitation and custody would be a complete shitshow, and the baby would learn someday just how much his parents hate each other. We felt it was in our best interest to back off and put the money in a trust. Hell, she floated the idea of a lump sum and she'd let him terminate his parental rights. She refused to have SO's name on the birth certificate as well.
I'm sure it goes without saying that I am devastated, and in pain I didn't even know was possible. SO has been so supportive, can't apologize enough, cries along with me, apologizing for hurting me. I could've likely forgiven quickly if it was just a fling. Now, with a baby, it's so much worse.
She gets to call herself the mother of SO's child before me. He bore his child, delivered him. I am trying so hard to remember if we have a child of our own, that baby will be conceived out of love and commitment, and instead of doing it on her own like her, he'll be with me every step of the way. I'm trying, but it's hard to remember that with that horrid voice in your head.
Call me a moron, I have decided to forgive. I want to marry him still. I actually somewhat trust him already because after this, you think he'd be stupid enough to do this again?
Thank you for letting me share my story. I apologize for the length. And please, if you think what we're doing regarding the child is wrong, please don't tell me. The wound is too fresh for more pain. Thank you.
1. He enjoyed the sex. He did not just awkwardly sit there and get fondled and jumped. He participated.
2. He knew why he was going over there.
3. They didn't use a condom.
4. He's making you feel hysterical bonding. That's not the same thing as trust. It's fear actually.
5. He is not a victim of semi-rape. Stop letting him play the victim. You and the innocent baby are the victims.
And now? This was clearly a lie on his part. Are you sure you want to marry someone who lied about something as life changing as a child?
I would like to caution as others have though. Please make sure you get all the facts. Chances are there is WAY more to this story than you know. She may be a stalker but I find it hard to believe that they conceived after sex once.
Please make sure you get tested for STDs. Even if they did use a condom and it was only once clearly it broke.
Read the healing library and let the info you have received sink in. Good luck.
You need to have information to help you through this incredibly emotional time in your life.
Ask yourself this, do you really believe your SO or just "want"
To believe him? There is a difference.
Get your facts, and be kind to yourself. You are the victim in this situation, and not by your choices or actions. Don't be convinced otherwise by your SO
I actually somewhat trust him already because after this, you think he'd be stupid enough to do this again?
Stop focusing so much attention on what a *bad guy* the OC's mom is and start pointing the laser at your BF.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I guess what I'm saying is that I see where you're coming from. Feeling like you trust him, ready to move forwrd with him. I've been there. But, if I can just share my experience-not saying it will be yours too. But, don't rush Into anything. Go to mc together. See if he will go to ic. If he is honestly remorseful, he will go. I felt like u did after my first betrayal. And I rushed into R. I divorced him for cheating, 5 months later he's on my doorstep with tears in his eyes, he moved back in the next day. Did maybe 1 month of counseling, then he got too busy. So we rug swept. And here i am, 3 years later and he's leaving me for another woman. Again. When i could have been 3 years into recovery instead of down this painful path again. So, please take your time to absorb everything. He has to prove himself now, in my opinion. And if he is choosing to stay out of the child's life, please be prepared for her to change her mind and demand he be in the baby's life. I have a feeling this isn't the last you'll hear from. If she's crazy, she's crazy. Nothing will stop that.
My heart goes out to you.
[This message edited by Numb2014 at 12:54 AM, July 7th (Monday)]
I am really sorry you are in this situation.
Please take time to decide if you will stay with your boyfriend.
It is quite likely the story he fed you is sugar coated for you and the reality is probably more brutal. He paints her as a stalker and a crazy woman, but the reality could be that he had an affair with her and this child was conceived as a result of them not using contraception.
It is very common for affair partners to not use a condom.
He might be minimizing the whole situation to prevent you from learning the truth, thus saving his ass.
At the end of the day, it was him who betrayed you, it was him who did not think about you when he had sex with her...
I am sorry to brutal, but do not be in denial.
I suggest you read a few books on infidelity before any decision is made and definitely go to counselling.
I have not posted my story here, but my WH had an affair with a COW who clearly tried with him for a child( cheaper than IVF)as she could not conceive with her husband.
I would have never taken him back if a child was born out of his infidelity as there will always be contact between his affair partner and your boyfriend.
He might not want to have anything to do with the child now, but he might bond with it in the future. Would you welcome this child in your home playing with your children? Are you not going to resent the fact that his father pays for him and your children have to go without something?
Will you welcome this child over the Christmas holidays?
I know where I draw the line in the sand and I am not a very forgiving person, it is up to you to draw your line, after having had counselling and having fully understood the consequences of your boyfriend's actions.
I wish you all the best.
She may be a stalker but I find it hard to believe that they conceived after sex once.
I don't believe that story either. They were having an affair and had sex more than once.
I agree with cannotforgive, he is doing a typical wayward trickle-truth, watered-down version of what was really going on.
I am so sorry.
Look – the ONLY way to deal with infidelity is through TRUTH.
Your BF had an affair.
If you get married do you think your relationship won’t ever reach a low? A low like the one he decided to pay OW a visit in?
IF you want to remain in a relationship with this man – with the constant reminder that the first cut of the pay-check goes to the child – then do so from a basis of TRUTH.
This stinks of a badly scripted Lifetime movie staring Tori Spelling, complete with all the drama money can buy. I think deep down you know that his story is just a load of bullshit. The more likely scenario is that he had a run of the mill A that resulted in her getting pregnant. Its a sad yet very common tale. Truth be told he most likely pursued the A jointly with the OW. They had unprotected sex many times and she got pregnant. Once that happened he was smacked upside the head from reality because she now called him on the promises made during the A. Unable and/or unwilling to make good on those promises he attempted to keep this from you while he tried to back away from OW. She naturally became pissed that he lied to her and used her for some NSA sex. She starts making threats and he tries to pay her off to no avail. She not only wants her child supported, she wants to expose him for what he did ergo her informing you. Now that he could no longer hide what has happened he gives you this nonsense story. And sadly your choosing to believe it. Again I'm very sorry this happened to you, but you need to wake up and see what's really going on.
[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:42 AM, July 7th (Monday)]
I'm so sorry for your pain.
The reality was he had an EA with the Facebook woman, met her in a hotel while her husband watched their kids, had unprotected sex (She had her period--what could go wrong?) and ultimately had a 2 year affair with her. No OC, thank goodness. I discovered her and other women last March. TT until July 4, when he finally wrote up a timeline and I think he came clean. There's a leap of faith that must be made if we are to reconcile.
It's not your story, I know, but use it as a cautionary tale. Be wary. Don't be in a rush to decide anything. Go to IC and MC. Work on healing yourself.
Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.
Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.
chances are, what your SO is telling you isn't the whole truth. In most infidelity situations, it rarely is at the beginning. There may be big lies, as well as probably lots of little ones that will come to light IF he chooses to be honest with you. Even then, you probably won't believe him and will continue to question him for a long while. It's par for the course.
gently... it's not a question of stupidity, but of poor coping mechanisms, boundaries, and selfish choices.
Life is full of "issues" for everyone and until he figures out why he chose to seek solace, relief, whatever, outside his relationship for his stresses, he will likely repeat them (maybe not infidelity, but in another unhealthy way). That is all on him... this is his work to do. His actions and willingness to dig deep and figure this out will be the best barometer for you to gauge how invested he is in reconciling, as well as his support of you and your healing.
As far as the OW and the OC.. if you have chosen not to be a part of the OC's life, then allow your attorney to deal with this. If you choose to terminate parental rights, you and your SO shouldn't have to have any interactions with either of them. All interactions until the legalities are finished should be done through your representation. If this is your choice and you two are in agreement on this and presenting a united front on it, then it's the right decision for you. No judgement here.
As hard as it is right now, your focus shouldn't be on the OW. In time (you'll learn to hate this word for a while), it'll become easier as you concentrate on your relationship. You can't control what she's done, or what she'll do.. only how you react to it. Her part in this, her intentions, don't change the fact that your SO willingly had sex with her, then hid the after effects from you. that's on him, and should be your focus right now. the less head space you give her gives you more to work on your healing and the healing of your relationship. easier said than done, I know.
keep reading and posting. this is a great bunch of people who have btdt and will light the way for you and walk through this with you. you're not alone.
But at the same time because we are veterans we have read a thousand stories that start out like yours. And every damn one of those stories turns out to not be what it was in the beginning. Yours unfortunately is no different. None of that story is true. She didn't pursue him. She didn't climb on top while he sat there confused. She didn't sabotage the condom. None of that is true.
The suicide letter is an appeal for your sympathy. He didn't throw money at her without a paternity test because he didn't want test going public. He knew that was his kid.
He's using every trick in the book to try and convince you that he's not the bad guy that he really is. He's had an affair. Not a ONS. A full blown affair. OW got pregnant and now there is an OC.
This is not a good guy. And you're fortunate that you're not married to him and you have no kids with him. You don't have to settle for him. Stand up. You will survive and be better for this experience. Go have a great life and leave that creep behind!
I know that this is hard for you, and you may not have even made it through all the other posts to read this one. You may feel like everyone here is off base....but there is something to say about experience. And I am not telling you outright what the truth really is---what I am telling you is to please absorb EVERYTHING that has been posted before me.
Infidelity is trauma to the betrayed. There is no way that you are thinking in a rational, logical sense, because you have just had your world turned upside down. Believe me...we have been there.
Do these two things, if you would--
(1) Take care of yourself first and foremost. Even the simplest of tasks, like eating, can be difficult to perform. Try to get yourself in as much as a "normal" routine as possible---even if you have to fake it.
(2) Keep posting. Listen to the advice with as open a mind as possible. This forum is NOT made up of a bunch of bitter, jaded people who think you should leave your SO today. There are many caring, compassionate people here, who have your best interests in mind. You would be doing yourself a huge disservice to not listen to what they are offering.
I hope that you stick with us. We really can help...if you are willing to put in the work.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
I hope you are still reading. Some responses sound harsh - not the usual warm fuzzy welcome hugs. That is because your story strikes a chord with those of us who believed the first version of the story we were fed.
I can relate to your story in that my dday was very public and humiliating. We were both in public positions at the time and everyone, and I do mean everyone, knew about the cheating. While there was no child born there were lawyers involved and we were the center of major gossip for a few months. I couldn't leave him because he was the only other human being I knew who was being subjected to the same humiliation. We bonded over the results of his cheating, if that makes sense.
Reading your story reminded me that I still believe something I was told on the first dday (back in 2004). Just today for the first time I am wondering how I could have believed that crap. It is unbelievable how our minds want to believe the watered down version, because that version is something we can live with. Sadly, what usually happens is that we accept the initial version, complete with grieving and devastation, and when a small nugget of truth surfaces we are so beaten down that we just add that to the heap. Then it happens again and we add that to the heap. This is what we call TT, or trickle truth. It is very common and very damaging. Around here you will read of people wanting a timeline. Usually this timeline is needed by the betrayed spouse so that he/she can start to put together the real story.
I so wish I could just welcome you with big hugs and tell you to keep reading, keep posting and drink lots of fluids. However, your story is such that most of us know there is more to it. We aren't judging - because we've been there - we are hoping to save you from even more pain and devastation by urging you to dig deeper.
I want to point out just a couple things:
He said he didn't finish inside her. This doesn't ring true seeing that he did, indeed, father the child.
He has been in major contact with her for what seems to be a very long time, perhaps since 2011? (paying her money, probably because he knew the child was his). This contact was kept secret from you.
Welcome to SI and I am so sorry you are here. I will tell you that this is the only place I found that helped me. I didn't find SI until a couple years after dday and when I did my healing took off.
Keep reading, posting and drink plenty of fluids. You will get through this.
You will be starting a marriage with multiple handicaps: unfaithfulness, lies and an OC which means repeated contact with OW. Can you see that coming?
Where is his remorse? He hasn't even come clean on what happened. Are you expected to believe the defective condom story? They don't instantly slide on, you know. He had time to bail out if that story is true. He chose not to do so. However, it is far more likely here WS an ongoing affair without birth control.
Getting engaged isn't a goal, nor is getting married. Who you marry is far more important. The relationship,is based on implicit trust in the spouse, which is why infidelity is so devastating. Read any of the threads,here to emphasize that lesson.
This is one that can't be forgiven and forgotten. The consequence of his choice is a child who is likely to be in your life for years. Unless you decide WBF isn't the one for you, after all.
He was contrite. He was sorry. He was the model husband for seven years. Then he went away for work. Three months later he came home and about a month after that I got a phone call at work from a husband.
They kissed once but nothing else happened because it didn't feel right. "I swear, I never had sex with her." "Look me in the eye, I didn't sleep with her." "I promise I would not do that to you after what we went through last time."
Six months later, the final story, they had sex every time they got together in any way she would let him.
It's called trickle truth and it hurts like a bitch and most of them do it. I hope your boyfriend is being honest but it's pretty unlikely so brace yourself. If it doesn't line up with what you know is logical, you won't be able to let it go and it will be source of anguish for a long time.
What it boils down to is: HE cheated. HE lied. Period. If he didn't have it in him to cheat and lie, he wouldn't have been over there in the first place and there would be NO baby. It may have been once, it may have been fifty times, but if he doesn't do the work on changing his coping mechanisms and his boundaries with other women, he will probably do it again as soon as things die down a bit and he becomes complacent. And if he isn't telling you the truth and you get bits and pieces over time, each little bit will be a new knife in your heart.
Read in the healing library. Try to get him to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass or "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" which is an ebook you can download (it's very short). If he won't do that much for you, you can bet he won't do much at all.
Try to keep yourself hydrated and get some nutrition shakes if you're having trouble eating. This is a roller coaster of pain. So sorry you're on it.