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User Topic: 4+ years on and tired
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the feeling of being tired..

I have that feeling of being unanchored..

After the discovery of my WH's A , and his creepy piggish behavior, it never seems to matter where I am at, I feel perpetually misplaced..Like I don't fit or belong anywhere for very long..

When my health got worse, I started to feel this sense of unbelonging at work..Work was one major accomplishment that gave me an identity..But worsening physical and mental health impaired my ability to keep up with my work..I was beginning to feel like I was a product of another era, not the present one.

So I retired from work..

In House separation doesn't do much to rejuvenate a person's body and soul..Again there is that wish and need to escape..

I want to travel (metaphorically and physically) without anything holding me back...

I want to land in a physical and mental place where I feel comfortable with a sense of belonging.....A place where I can rest, a place I call home...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:47 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*****Being betrayed is a life event. It is NOT something to get over. Does a parent ever get over the death of a child? Its like that. There is regret and pain in memories. But they are ONLY memories. We have to accept that this happened to us. And there is nothing we can do to make it un-happen.

In acceptance we can move on. We can continue with life and be happy. Yes the pain and regret and memories will always be there. But we can accept that and just let them be.*****

I like this way of thinking..I do get joy out of the small things in life..I am an accomplished photographer..I enjoy hanging out with my kiddos..I love hanging out with nature too..

With any IRL support I get, I am waaay past having a need to hash and rehash everything my WH did to me, how he did me wrong.. I don't talk to anybody about WH's A's, our dead marriage, why the marriage is dead, etc...

We are NOT in R ...My closest family members know this and they know that we are separated in house..They live halfway across the country from me..They have their lives and issues..All they can offer me is a temporary vacation (which I take) from this mess, lol..

Instead I look for help and support, mentally(strategically) physically (energy), financially (any laws that can benefit me) to get out of my my situation...

I don't have the time or the health to make a good recovery from financial ruin..Unless I win the lottery, lol...

So I try to find a clever way to get out of my 40 year marriage...My new life needs to be a sustainable one for an older person to live..

I dream of a time when me and my doggies can peacefully live in an A-frame in the mountains, within walking distance of my sister...

Right now I am so tired , this dream seems unreachable :-(

I think we feel much less defeated during those times when we know that we have the means to reach our dreams..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:03 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


is it possible to work toward your goal of a a-frame house near to your sister?

reaching goals such as this start first with a detailed definition of what must be obtained/created then through many small steps toward that goal. I am a list maker so I tend to write things out. First describe as clearly as you can what it is you want to achieve. Then write out the steps needed to reach it. If a step seems too big then make it into several smaller steps.

is that possible?

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
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Member # 39334
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This article about living in the now, or mindfullness, sounds somewhat like Razor is talking about.

DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor...I have tried to meditate and just mind off..I've heard it takes discipline to truly get there. I do find solace in nature. I've always had an over active thinker, just wasn't so much anxiety then. I will try again until I get it. Thanks
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5047 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love nature too..I think I will go for a solo walk today! I will find a nice big shade tree and read to the music of the chirping birds and frogs :-)
Count me in as another soul who wants to learn meditation..
In the meantime I love all of the things I can latch on to, to find solace :-)

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This really makes me feel like a wimp compared to some of you who have endured as long as you have. I'm about a year and three months from DDay and I'm so tired. Mentally and physically spent is how I feel.

I'm trying to R with my wife because our kids deserve it and I do still love her it's just not the same anymore and I know it never will be. She's doing all the right things and we've been in counseling together. It's just not how I had planned my life. I'm hoping in the near future as I get a little farther from all of this things will be easier. I do find myself thinking of what it would be like to find a new person and start over.

Honestly I've never wondered or fantasized about other women until the affair happened. It crosses my mind on a regular basis now and I don't feel guilty for it either. We had a good thing going until she went and messed it all up. Things are better now but they'll never be as good as they could've been. I know one day on my death bed I'll look back on my life and smile because of my children but I won't die as happy as I could've for all that's she's put me through. Sorry to ramble this thread got my mind churning.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 602 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
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Member # 32313
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello friends,
I, too, am part of the 5 year club, and I honestly have found a way to "let go" of focusing on my WH's awful indiscretion. I am thinking about me, finally, and it feels pretty good. I am still at home with him, but I have a clear Plan B, and that has helped me so much. I just assumed he felt like me about our marriage, for 30 years! Oh my, what a shock. I call it my life's tsunami.
I don't do well with meditation, but when I tried it I had some success. If you concentrate on your breathing, you can somewhat still your mind. There are a few apps like Mayo Clinic Meditation that can help.
I send mental hugs to all. I think that staying together for the kids' sake is not all bad, and we need to celebrate that. I had parents who divorced when I was 5 years old.

Married 28 years
Together 35 years
Dday 2/9/10
2 grown children

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2011
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Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I do think about me.., I do things for myself, plan stuff for us and the kids. my life was big before all the crap went down. Not sure where to go from here.., I just want to BE. With peace.,,
I still want it not to have happened . I sit here and think that I'm Still here after he did this twice . And the biggest punishment I can give him is leaving him. But that would punish me too,,, so what's the answer?! I don't want punishment for either of us, I want peace

his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...

Posts: 4946 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

100% what Rachel said....I want peace....I do find living in the now a bit easier....
I can live with myself....
we are more than a couple we are a family....
I have known him almost 43 years....
and just like we can't undo the A we can't undo all the great times....
Yes this is tiring....exhausting really....but moving forward is the only way to go....because the love is still there....

3 adult children 1D 2S
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr

Posts: 522 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful, thanks! I'm tired too! Today is just one of those days I'm not filing for divorce. Have mercy!

his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...

Posts: 4946 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 31
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