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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What does no contact mean?
zeekitty
♀ New Member
Member # 43579
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me it means no contact, not ever. Never ever, the end.

But what about when circumstances force contact? For example, if the wayward spouse works with the AP? What happens then?


"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is" - Marianne Williamson

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
heme
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If mine ended up working with one of the people he had an A with (note my husband's As were people he met on craiglist type websites so totally different than a LTA/EA etc) then I would consider no contact beyond what was necessary for them to complete the job at hand. So the two of them talking about an issue with work would be OK but if it veered at all into the personal realm (even chit chat about kids etc) it would violate the no contact.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they can't transfer/change jobs and contact is integral to the job, then it is business only. No chit chat. No asking how the weekend was. No asking "How are you". Nothing but necessary business speak. And all contact is shared with you.

My H worked with his MOW. Thankfully they were in different depts so there was no need to even be included on the same emails - I did make him "unsubscribe" to the joke email group that was through work as they were both on there and boundaries were crossed regularly prior, during, and after the A.


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6638 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please forgive me if you were not looking for a WS to respond.

No contact to me means NO contact, of any sort, under any circumstances, for any reason. I know that some people have minimal ongoing contact due to work, or family situations, but I donít know how that works because I left the job where it was possible.

3 months after D-day my BH finally took me up on my offer to quit. I had spent about a month at home using up the sick leave I had accrued. I went back for about 2 weeks so I could turn in my notice on good terms, and pull my case-load together for the next person. I also delivered a no-contact letter while I was at the office to one of my APís by leaving it on his chair at the office.

My agreement with BH is that any sighting of any of them and I will be on the phone to him immediately. Any unavoidable contact will be conducted while he is on the phone, or personally present with me. I have blocked them on Facebook, changed my cell phone number, and do not search for them on the internet. The only times I really think about any of them is when Iím talking with my BH about the As, or when working on a homework assignment from my IC.

Leaving the job where there was a potential for contact, or a potential for need for contact was necessary. It may be the biggest high-cost gesture I've made thus far in our process.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 12:13 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 493 | Registered: Dec 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then the wayward spouse quits their job. Happens all the time.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6646 | Registered: Jan 2011
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No contact means no contact. If he needs to be in contact because of his job then he needs a new job. Or a new wife.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

ďFollow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and donít take any shit.Ē


Posts: 5526 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
latebloomer45
♀ Member
Member # 18021
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For my FWH it means BUSINESS TALK ONLY.

OW works at a location my FWH travels to very little or a lot, depending on business circumstances. A couple of months after D-Day #2 (trickle truth), she showed him some vacation photos. He told me about it but said it "would be rude" to have refused.

That was when I visited the lawyer for the second time. I announced it in MC. After talking it through in MC he realized he needed to "be rude" to OW if that was what it took.

Funny how he somehow rearranged his work life that he almost NEVER needs to talk to her now. A power he swore he did not have before that day in MC.

Bottom line, BUSINESS ONLY.


Me: BS 52
Him: FWS 54
Married 28 years
Son-22 Daughter-19,
D-Day #1 12/11/2007
D-Day #2 5/23/2008 fucking trickle truth!
Whatever Threnody said, I concur.


Posts: 2096 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Chicago suburbs
zeekitty
♀ New Member
Member # 43579
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses.

We are not in a situation where he works with the OW, but there are future circumstances looming in which we will be unable to avoid contact with her, and it gives me anxiety.


"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is" - Marianne Williamson

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
zeekitty
♀ New Member
Member # 43579
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wayflost, thank you :-) WS are welcome.


"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is" - Marianne Williamson

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS here, for us 1 AP is a COW. So I am diligently looking for another job. In the mean time, Any contact is reported directly to my BS. another AP is a family member. And that is strictly NC. I no longer associate with any of my family. So that there is no possibility of breaking NC. Not positive on your situation. But it sounds like you are saying that NC may not be possible. For myself, I consider my FOO a casualty of the A. Hope that helps any from my wayward perspective.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No contact means no contact. If he needs to be in contact because of his job then he needs a new job. Or a new wife.

Agreed 100%

but there are future circumstances looming in which we will be unable to avoid contact with her, and it gives me anxiety.

How could this be possible? NC means no contact, right.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me NC is very important. Without knowing your upcoming circumstances it's hard to say how you could proceed but I can't imagine anything that would make contact acceptable at this point.

That being said, we had a NC breach last fall. An AP called my H's work and he answered without checking his caller ID. It was purely business talk but for us, no type of talk is acceptable. We had a lot of discussions after that breach that we should have had before. It's a process and a journey and we're always refining it.

Good luck and I hope you guys can find a way to maintain NC.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 960 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Pudding
♀ Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, the A continued after NC, when they continued to work together. He transferred to another location and agreed to have only strictly work contact. I demanded to know about every encounter, what he felt when he saw her, who said what etc. If he had to be in her location for a meeting, I texted him 2 minutes before the meeting reminding him to think of me and look on her as the awful woman she was. He worked less and less at her location, but they were still seeing each other and I wasn't being told. I was only really happy about it when he left last summer and joined another company. Apparently, she continued to pursue him and they met for drinks and lunch etc after he moved jobs, but did not have sex again. Leaving the old job certainly assisted enormously in bringing the A really to an end.

I know its difficult to get work etc. But in my experience, NC did not work when they still worked together.


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 13

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