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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For WS - question about being in love
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Question  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when did you fall back in love with your BS? I really want to hear from WW on this topic. I want to ask my wife if she is in love with me now. I refrain from asking her because I already think the answer is no, simply for me having to ask this question.

Also, do you think it is wise of me to even bring this up? I am seriously contemplating pulling the plug. I don't know if I am looking for a reason to help me make a choice I am not clear on yet. I don't feel loved by her when we are around one another. She isn't listening to me enough and isn't doing enough for me to manage getting through her affair.

I have committed to waiting till November to make my choice. This is the last month the divorce can be contested.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 5:47 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


Don't kick me when I am down. Because when I get back up, you're f*cked.

Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does she say I love you? Does she ever cuddle or hold your hand? Do special things for you like making your favorite foods? Buy something that you need and didn't ask her to get for you?

Have you 2 ever read the 5 love languages? Or even taken the test?

Your question to WW is a hard one... I never stopped loving my BH. I fell in love with him even more when he said that we could R. We have struggled in the past year and now getting better again. Our love is more than ever now. It's taking a lot of work.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jul 2012
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She-Ra

Yes, she's done all those things. We read the book a while ago and it might be worth re reading together.

I think I am just being insecure and dealing with the shitty feelings of being a BS. I know she loves me and cares a lot for me. It's like I am expecting the day to come again when she tells me the whole "i love you but I am not in love with you" crap again. I am angry all over again. That REALLY did some damage - especially after her affair. I almost just want to let out my anger for her and test her remorse - I don't deep down believe she is remorseful. I don't know how to get there even after reading the healing library.


Don't kick me when I am down. Because when I get back up, you're f*cked.

Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What leads you to believe that she isn't remorseful?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5071 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My affairs had nothing to do with my husband. They had nothing to do with loving or not loving my husband. I never at one time said or thought, "I do not love my husband."

I loved him in the best way that broken Aubrie could love anyone at that point in time. Abusers love their victims. Addicts love their vices. Alcoholics love their poison. I loved in a very unhealthy way. But nevertheless, I loved.

I realize it sounds completely insane. It's hard to explain. I always loved QS. But the love I have today is much healthier and safer than any other time in my life. It didn't come till I realized I had serious issues and started fixing my crap. The healthy love came with healing.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6308 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I don't know your whole story but I saw you were separated and heading for D. Now you have been in R for 2 months, right?

Are you 2 in counselling? IC or MC or both?

My BH handled his hurt by drinking and being an asshole to me. We were heading to separation.

While you are definitely entitled to feel angry and in fact you need to find a healthy way to release if all, I don't know what can be accomplished by testing her remorse? I don't even know what that means either.

She put you thru the ringer and hurt you bad but some of your healing needs to be handled by yourself. Lean on your support system... New hobbies and being selfish by doing things that make you happy. I couldn't control how my BH heals even if I tried.

He knew I was sorry but that was never enough. We are nearing the end of year 2 and he is finally feeling better. He felt a lot of hate for a long time and it was a struggle.

Is your wife on Si? If not and you think she needs work.. Send her to us. We welcome her!!


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jul 2012
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justme,

I think "in love" means different things to different people. My XH would say he's "in love" with me. I equate his "in love" with my feelings of "love."

I love my XH. We are close friends. Someday I hope we'll even be best friends. We have fun together. He makes me laugh. I have tender feelings for him. I want him to be happy and succeed in life. I would do for him at the expense of myself, within reason. (That is new for me; I would never have believed myself capable of feeling that way before.) I want him to be the father of my children.

But I would not say I'm "in love" with him. "In love"---to me---is simply a feeling, one that wears off after the high of limerance and infatuation fades. I'm starting to see Love as an action verb....one that is more about behavior towards another than it is about warm fuzzy feelings.

That's not to say I don't have loving feelings for him. I do. But again, to me, "in love" has a different connotation, and one that I personally would prefer to leave behind, as it represents the impetus of poor choices in my past.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
wheredoigo
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My affairs had nothing to do with my husband. They had nothing to do with loving or not loving my husband. I never at one time said or thought, "I do not love my husband."

I loved him in the best way that broken Aubrie could love anyone at that point in time. Abusers love their victims. Addicts love their vices. Alcoholics love their poison. I loved in a very unhealthy way. But nevertheless, I loved.

Exactly what Aubrie said.

The only thing I can add is that now that I'm doing the hard work to heal myself, my love for him as I'm healing myself has become stronger than my broken love was before. I can now see how how brave he truly has been all along and that he was always there- and still is; it's now understanding how he can have this love he has for me, because I have that for him. Seeing it all from a healed perspective has given me a love for him I could never of imagined before... does that make sense?

In a nutshell, she has to do the hard work and you will know when you see a change.


She isn't listening to me enough and isn't doing enough for me to manage getting through her affair.

I can remember my BH saying the same thing to me. I wanted to "fix" thing but felt like I was in a tunnel in the dark; blind as a bat. I had no clue on what to do. Once I found my way to SI, the WW board helped me tremendously. My BS saw and immediate change. He couldn't see where I was stuck because (thankfully) he isn't broken the way I was/am.

I see that you registered in March. Was this your DDay? I've heard most people say to not make immediate decisions. I'm beyond lucky that someone told my BS that... otherwise, I would never of made it to SI.

Is your WW on SI or are you in MC? Is your WW providing you with transparency? If you've filed for the D and she still isn't listening, I'm not sure what to tell you. It took me three months to begin to listen and a year to finally find my way to SI and see exactly how broken I truly was and the damage I had done to my BS. You have to know your own limits. I know there have been some couples on SI that have D'd and then once the WW spouse changed, they re-M'd. Ultimately, you have to do what makes you feel safe. If your WW truly loves you, then they will do whatever you need to get there.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 9:23 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 35
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loved him in the best way that broken Aubrie could love anyone at that point in time. Abusers love their victims. Addicts love their vices. Alcoholics love their poison. I loved in a very unhealthy way. But nevertheless, I loved.

Until I read that, I was happy to blow off WSes' protestations of love, figuring this is something WSes and BSEs will never agree on.

I can buy what you said, Aubrie. I'm not entirely happy about it yet, but I think you described something that makes sense to me
***********************************************

I think the 3 basic Qs for R are:

1) Does she love me?
2) Is she in love with me?
3) Will she change so she won't betray me again?

(There are 2 others: 4) Do I love her? 5) Am I in love with her?)

I don't know your answer, justme, but you're asking the right questions, IMO.

You have to ask your W this Q. If she isn't gonna et there, you might as well end R now. Again, JMO.
*******************************************

She isn't listening to me enough....

I trust you're asking for what you want and moving towards that. If you're not asking, you're putting your R at risk, since your W can't read your mind.

...isn't doing enough for me to manage getting through her affair.

You control your healing. Your W can only provide support. What more do you need from her? From yourself?

Just as the WS has to acknowledge what she did, the BS has to acknowledge his own wants and needs and take action to get both.

R ain't easy....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken0903 - I couldn't agree more with you regarding your input on "in love" vs love. I can't put my finger on it, but what you said is probably exactly what she is feeling/experiencing.

I think my fear is she will once again equate her lack of feelings for being "in love" with yet another reason to leave the relationship instead of coming to the conclusion you did about mature love.

wheredoigo - She is in IC and so am I. I don't know about MC or when that will happen. I think that is something I will leave up to my therapist. I think it is time I mention SI to her. Hopefully that helps her. DD started in 2/14. I filed for D in early May. Our R started in late May. I am continuing with the divorce because honestly it was hell filing and I don't want to have to do it again. I don't trust her enough to not screw up the chance we have to repair our relationship because she has thrown away so many previous chances.


There is a post by Lost Rainbows which described EXACTLY how I feel. I suffered from PTSD as a child up to last year when I finally got help after a complete breakdown. I realized just now that I am suffering from it again with her affair. I can't believe I didn't see this sooner. It explains why I am in a self-defensive and hyper vigilant state, and incessantly thinking about every possible scenario:

"Every moment that I'm on my own, I think about it. I think about what happened, why it happened, what I should watch out for, whether there's more "truth" that will come out one day,or more "truth" that will never come out. I think about every possible aspect of the A and the legacy of it. I just feel so exhausted. My mind just won't stop going round and round. Needles to say, my thoughts give me no answers and no relief.

I suspect that it's mostly self protection. In my mind, if I think about it all the time then I can never again be blind-sided and never again be so traumatized if it should ever happen again. I'll always be ready, because it will always be on my mind. I don't dare stop thinking about it - if I stop thinking about it I leave myself vulnerable to not noticing changes or signs that someone else is occupying his thoughts again."


Don't kick me when I am down. Because when I get back up, you're f*cked.

Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you really wanting to know regarding your wife's feelings? What does "in love" mean to you?

"In love" can mean feelings of warmth and affection;
"In love" can mean feeling "high" on love;
"In love" can mean wanting to spend all your time with someone;
"In love" can mean you want to spend all day in bed with someone;
"In love" can mean you see the very best in someone, and want to strive to do what is best for him/her, always, and the list is endless.

There is also fake "in love," which some people in an affair get. This is more akin to straight infatuation, and has to do with projecting all sort of needs/wants onto someone, and them reflecting back an idealized, fun-house mirror representation of you. The feeling of "I can do no wrong!"

Usually when someone gets the ILYBIANILWY speech, it is because they don't get the spine-tingly, butterfly feeling when they are with someone anymore (and they are usually getting that from somewhere else). To me, that is the lightest form of love - the easiest, and the least representative of reality. It is immature love, and sometimes, like in affairs, not love at all.

Real love is deep, and strong. Real love is like a sequoia tree, not a Prince concert. Real love protects people, and helps them heal. Real love seeks to help people find their highest selves. As someone else said, real love isn't just a feeling, it is action, and hopefully, a state of interaction.

You can't make someone love you. Tell your wife what you need, and what you want. What would make you feel loved. If she can't/won't do it, then you have your answer.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2063 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 11

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