I feel like I don't really evaluate each situation and the emotions surrounding each meeting, because there were just too many to count and I have been told by IC not to allow myself to think about the mind movies, as they're never productive and produce more hurt. So how do you deal with each and every incident and come to acceptance in your mind? Today I started with one, kind of triggered I guess and then spiraled to the point where I feel overwhelmed again...absolutely shocked and horrified by what he's done - the sex, the business trips with them, the ways he hurt me and the children, it suffocates me still and feels like too much if I think about any of it. I don't feel I'm specifically addressing any of the situations he was in, more than just grieving it as a whole...should I be doing something different? Something to tackle each of the incidents and really work on them? Like I said, day to day I feel ok but anytime I think of the specifics of the As, my blood still boils and I feel like I'm drowning. I have another EMDR session next week, and it can't come soon enough but as I approach the 1yr mark I feel like some of the situations shouldn't feel so painful still and when I do trigger I want out of the M, which I know won't get me anywhere or be what I want in the long term. I know the one hotel no longer generates a severe reaction because I've been forced to deal with it daily by driving by it constantly...I'm thinking maybe if I address and 'dull' the emotions surrounding other places/events it would somehow help?
Sorry to be so abstract.....here is one concrete example: My H took his AP to Vegas twice as weekend trip for pleasure with PW#1 (his 2 1/2 A). Shortly after DDay, I went back to the same hotel. It triggered me and I cried. Since then, after I learn to not give them head space....I have gone back numerous times without any trigger or sadness. I refuse to let anything he did with the APs control me from now on...,period. I let myself go, enjoy, have fun, laugh and live life to the fullest while I was there. Life is tooooo short!!!
Sorry if I didn't make any sense or if post didn't help in any way.
I have grieved all of the A's. Each one is a different hurt and each one has different triggers. Some of them are particular dates (including DS3's bday ), some are triggered by particular songs, etc. You get the idea.
I try not to think about them individually though. It's just too overwhelming. I don't think I would be able to R if I kept thinking about the number of OW's and the years of lies. However when the triggers do hit. or when I have a bad day, I don't fight it. I accept the sadness and anger and I try to work through it. I'm 2 years out (today is my DDay antiversary) and I still have those bad days. But they are not as frequent as they once were.
I will never forgive, but I'm working on acceptance. One thing that helps me is working on making myself better. I've been a SAHM for 12 years, but I'm now working on getting my realtors licence so I can support myself. I've always wanted to travel, hut never did because WH didn't want to. But this summer we are taking a huge trip I've always wanted to do and next year DD and I are going to Europe. I decided to stop putting myself last. It has really helped me heal. I realized it's okay to have my own wants and dreams...it's okay to not put myself last.
One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz
In reality, I find myself processing the 3 month OW differently, even he admits that one was different from the others. And even the two that lasted a month are kind of a thing of their own, though for the most part I group them in with the rest (some were just flirty inappropriate, others were explicit and cybersex).
The sadness can be overpowering and then the fear of can I really get over this sets in...
those outbursts and meltdowns etc take their toll on me for a few days...
today I am in a good place ...I like that...I also know that those feelings can come out of nowhere and I just hope I can shake them off quicker each time...
hang in there!!
Some things hurt more than others though. When my husband confessed that he took OW to NYC, I lost it. I shattered the wine glass I was holding, grabbed bottles of wine and took off. H found me passed out in my car at a local park a few hours later. That was a very low point. He took OW on several of his business trips, but that one hurt the most because we had never been to New York together.
I don't know what the answer is. I guess at some point I will just have to find acceptance and peace. But I'm not there yet.
I would write things as you did below:
1) Not being there for me but instead with AP when family member died.
2) Taking AP on a road trip. The one I was supposed to go on.
3) Being with AP when I was out being a good citizen.
and so on.
I had approx 25 things on my list. I would revisit them every now and again and for the first 7 months I was like, "#1. Nope, haven't accepted this. #7, Nope. haven't accepted this either." But then I looked at them over one year out and I felt like I had come a long way!
There is something about writing things out (for me) with such purpose that helped my brain. Where once they were all jumbled together and fighting the other for power, now I could see them on paper. In order. I guess I was trying to make form from chaos and it seemed to work.
Maybe this will help you too.
LA - I love this idea! I am a list creator and it might not seem so overwhelming as well as providing me some perspective when I'm able to see how far I've come. Journaling is too emotional for me. I do it when I can, but I'm much more analytic and I do feel a precise list is more my style. thank you!